Wanting to leave my perfect husband

[Nixiha]

Am I a complete monster?

I (31) have been with husband (32) for 12 years and we have been married for 7 years.
We have two great kids aged 4 and 1 and we also have two dogs, one we've raised from a puppy and one that we rescued.

My husband is such an amazing person, he's a fantastic husband who fully supports me, he absolutely adores me, wants to have sex all the time, is a great dad, tells me me loves me every day, tells me that I'm beautiful, makes me laugh and works so hard to support our family.

My heart wants to leave though. It's been clear to me for years that I love him dearly, but as a friend. I knew this when I married him. I felt nauseous the night before, a knot in my stomach and clammy hands on the day and I could barely look him in the eye during the ceremony because he was looking at me with such love and devotion in his eyes. I squashed all of this away because we work so effortlessly together as a team, I knew he'd be a wonderful father, I loved his family and he's still my best friend and I never want to hurt him.

Now married for 7 years with our great kids, life should be a dream but my heart is slowly breaking into pieces. It's dawning on me that no matter how blissfully happy he seems with me, I've sucked the soul out of my husband over the years. The young man I met had big passions, he loved rock climbing, hill walking, abseiling, skiing, kayaking, playing rugby and loads more. He would walk into a pub and immediately befriend every stranger, he was so sociable and friendly.
These days he does nothing. He gave up everything one by one and now he has no passions or hobbies or friends that he sees often. He works in forestry which he loves, but it's such a physical job he is so tired at the weekends he probably wouldn't have the energy to go climbing now. I'm so worried that he's become a shadow of himself by being with me.

In the meantime, I've recently started developing feelings for someone else and the guilt has hit me hard. I can't sleep, I'm binge eating even though food is making me nauseous and I'm crying constantly. The flip my heart does when I see the other guy is how I should have felt on my wedding day. I have never flirted and would never do anything to betray my husband but it's getting to the point where imagining the other man with someone else is devastating to me, but imagining my husband with someone else doesn't make me sad. I just want to see him get the love and happiness that he deserves.

I'm so scared, my head is screaming at me not to hurt him and not to rip our family apart, financially ruining myself in doing so but my heart and conscience are pulling me towards it.

What is wrong with me? Why do I have the most loving and devoted husband in the world yet want to leave him?

You will tear your family apart. Children never come out of a divorce unscathed.
Never.
I heard quite a good explanation about divorce from the kids perspective.
'A child is the physical embodiment of their parents union. When their parents split it's inevitable that their is a split within themselves.'

Obv I am asking why you didn't think of this sooner. It's no use crying over spilled milk now, I know but geez. You chose to marry a guy you had lukewarm feelings for. You chose to give your children a father you didn't feel passionate about. It seems off to think of his wellbeing now? 'he deserves to be with someone who adores him and all that'
He deserved that, but you chose to marry him anyway.
You make it sound like your doing it for him, but you're not.
You're doubling the pain. You're leaving him so that he can only see his children 50% of the time. (If so much).
(Not to mention that your children will have to get used to not seeing daddy half the time, having two houses, two rooms, two birthday celebrations etc)
Leaving him and presumably telling him how you've felt for the past how ever many years.
Leaving him trying to piece together the past 12 years that he never knew was a sham.
'when did it start? She really never loved me? What about our lovely honeymoon, that beach holiday we took? O remember that time by the lake or the weekend in the Cotswolds we couldn't keep our hands off each other? Was all of it really a sham?'
It takes the floor our from under you.

Please please don't for one moment placate yourself by thinking 'im doing this for him'.
You aren't, that just justification for your behaviour. Trying to make yourself feel better. You're doing it for yourself.

Also, stolen fruit is always sweeter. So much easier to have that fuzzy feeling for someone where you only see the good side.
You're not paying bills together. You're not beside the bed of a sick child together. You're not sleep deprived getting up for work after a hard night with the baby together. Not fighting over who forgot to order the milk with the groceries or how it's the umpteenth time you have to pick up his pants from the bathroom floor or whatever. You're not stressed and exhausted from everyday life.
It's just the nice part. It's just excitement and novelty and fun.
Just as a fyi, second marriages have even less of a statistical chance to work than a first one.
That all to say, I'd be cautious that I'm not just a bit infatuated with the 'new guy' and looking at my marriage with the new guy's excitement in the back of my mind.

But if you're adamant he isn't clouding your judgement (which I doubt, it's just human nature to compare) and you really really don't love your husband, so be it.
To me it feels like you have already checked out and are just seeking to justify this leave. So if you really want to leave, I guess no one can stop you.
But please don't try to kid yourself that you're doing it for your husband happiness.

Gosh I should have read the full thread before posting!
You've put it so succinctly!
Exactly this!

Poor bloke ☹️

and some here have none!!!!

It's best for your poor DH that you leave him to find someone who actually deserves his love.

It's best for your dc that you do not leave your marriage. Barring leaving abusive or combative situations it is ALWAYS a net loss for the children of divorced parents.

I don't really care about what's best for you. Because of your selfish and cowardly actions, at least some of your loved ones will have their hearts broken.

Relationships that go the long haul are rarely built on the kind of head-spinning infatuation you describe with 'the other guy'. And even when that does exist in the first years, it rarely lasts. Butterflies are a warning sign that our central nervous systen is activated; after a lot of therapy I realised what I thought of as 'love' was really a reaction to men who reminded me in some way of childhood pain that I wanted to get control of. You want the romantic dream we are all sold but you must know that this is built on sexist and really retrograde stories of romance as a way to be saved, when you can only save yourself. You have a lot to be grateful for — I don't know that leaving your family and throwing it all under the bus because you have developed feelings for someone is a sensible choice. It would certainly irrevocably harm your children, and make life going forward much more complicated. My husband's ex left him for similar reasons, and now she is miserable, having made a string of poor choices because she thinks 'true love' with anyone will make her happy. She has told me more than once she regrets leaving him, and looks bitterly at what we have thinking it could be her. Instead she is single with four kids by three men and no money, time or career. All her children are really damaged by her actions. I think most of us long eventually for a team player who is all in and who we can travel through thick and thin with. You have that and want to throw it away. You are creating a narrative where you didn't love your husband with the necessary passion on your wedding day, but this is a ridiculous thing to be focussing on 7 years down the line.

I was in a very similar situation at your age OP. My long term boyfriend was everything you describe in your husband and we had an incredible relationship, except that I also felt like you do deep down. I broke his heart and mine by splitting up with him. It took us both years to get over it. I am now single in my early 40s and he is with someone else.

Ending it was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I haven't yet met someone better but I still feel like it was right. I feel free and like I have my integrity back. I am happy that he is happy with someone else. She is much younger so he will be able to have children with her if he wants to. I am happy that I can look at myself in the mirror and like who I see. I think I will still find another love and build a less conventional family of our own. I am happy.

FWIW my head was also turned by another man - it was the catalyst for the breakup but not the cause. I knew that at the time and was not surprised when - well after the split from my boyfriend - we got together and it quickly failed to work out.

Obviously your situation is different because you have children, but I want to share with you that I understand how you feel and that you can get through it.

When I was younger, I felt like you, OP.
Now at 45, I'm glad I stayed and didn't give into these feelings, because firstly it really isn't worthwhile and secondly, it would have been a massive mistake.

Best post I have read in a while 👏

I think if you have never really loved your husband you should leave. And if you do, that you should be honest. By that I mean, please don't say you are leaving because he has changed, has less hobbies/passions or friends. Tell him instead that he is perfect but that despite that you have had your head turned because you have never really loved him in the way he has deserved. Tell him the truth and set him free because he 100% will find happiness with someone else.

I don't think you can stay with him for the rest of your life for the sake of the kids. That isn't fair on anyone and to be honest isn't a great example to your children in my opinion.

What do you mean ‘Surely’? You say that like it’s a given he’ll meet someone else. I would think it’ll most certainly NOT be ok for the husband.

Not everyone that gets dumped and cheated on goes on to meet Mrs Right. Especially with a 1 year old in tow.

If OP fucks off and leaves her DH and children, I’m telling you now, things will not be ok. Maybe in years and years to come. But the family will be fractured and those children’s lives will never be the same.

You have had some great advice.

I just want to say, there are not many decent men about...throwing away a good one for a fleeting romance is crazy!

The grass is not greener

Yes definitely leave.

You say you’ve never wanted to be with him and it’s not going to get any better.

He deserves better.

Do him a favour and leave - he deserves better.

Because she led a poor man believing and living a lie for 10 years? Can you imagine how he would feel If he read what the OP has written here? We want to get married to a partner who wants us not to someone who feels nauseoous the day he/she marries us. Let alone when we are a wonderful person doing everything right. The OP married this man out of convenience. How would you feel If your partner wrote this for you?

How sad. I think you will regret breaking your life up.

I think you're insane, kindly! You have a devoted husband who loves you and your children. You love him as a friend....get counselling to get the passion back in your marriage. Date again. Don't blow your life up!

Thank you for sharing your experience, I think it’s really helpful to have examples like this.

A lot of posters seem to be focusing on the potential new man, but missing the point - which is that the feelings fundamentally aren’t there for the OP. It would be a cruelty to them both to continue masquerading in this relationship, the DH none the wiser. It is patronising to assume that he would rather not know how she truly feels!

I am glad you and your ex found happiness, apart.

Counselling won’t put passion back in a marriage, especially if it was never there in the first place!

It sounds like you've gotten complacent in your marriage and this new person turned your head, you're fantasying about someone you probably barely know and throwing away your family in the process. Id consider counselling first, be honest with your husband and work on things

Stay with reality. This guy will have some habits that will irritate you, the attraction wears off very quickly. At times a good marriage does consist of love and friendship and those are the exact qualities that will hold you together when life comes for you like a steam train.

My question is - would you be considering leaving now if you had not have met this man?

I don’t have any judgement either way - but that’s a good test as to whether you are being carried away by some romantic notion or you are going to leave either way.

You'll regret the day you left for the rest of your life.

Put it this way , were you content enough until you started having feelings for OM?
As people have said, you are now putting a negative spin on your relationship in order to justify your crush.
Your youngest DC is only 1, so changes and hormones, and basic hard graft, could be at play here. If your DH had carried on with all his pursuits, you'd be on here being fed up of being left to parent alone at the weekend.

I think you need to give it a bit of time, as the DC's get older, the hard graft will get easier. Make sure your contraception is watertight meantime as it would be foolish to have another DC under the circumstances.
I think individual counselling for you is better, you need to work out if you never fancied him from the start, or if it's just waned over time. If the feeling was never there, you need to work out why you went so far as to marry and have DC's with someone you are not attracted to, let alone date. Also know that you can be with the most gorgeous looking man in the world, but if they turn out to be a bad partner/father it gives the ick. One wonders why the reverse is not true for you. Being with a great father and supportive partner is usually what stimulates attraction, there's something about you, where that's not happening, that is a you problem, no getting around that.