Wanting to leave my perfect husband

[Nixiha]

Am I a complete monster?

I (31) have been with husband (32) for 12 years and we have been married for 7 years.
We have two great kids aged 4 and 1 and we also have two dogs, one we've raised from a puppy and one that we rescued.

My husband is such an amazing person, he's a fantastic husband who fully supports me, he absolutely adores me, wants to have sex all the time, is a great dad, tells me me loves me every day, tells me that I'm beautiful, makes me laugh and works so hard to support our family.

My heart wants to leave though. It's been clear to me for years that I love him dearly, but as a friend. I knew this when I married him. I felt nauseous the night before, a knot in my stomach and clammy hands on the day and I could barely look him in the eye during the ceremony because he was looking at me with such love and devotion in his eyes. I squashed all of this away because we work so effortlessly together as a team, I knew he'd be a wonderful father, I loved his family and he's still my best friend and I never want to hurt him.

Now married for 7 years with our great kids, life should be a dream but my heart is slowly breaking into pieces. It's dawning on me that no matter how blissfully happy he seems with me, I've sucked the soul out of my husband over the years. The young man I met had big passions, he loved rock climbing, hill walking, abseiling, skiing, kayaking, playing rugby and loads more. He would walk into a pub and immediately befriend every stranger, he was so sociable and friendly.
These days he does nothing. He gave up everything one by one and now he has no passions or hobbies or friends that he sees often. He works in forestry which he loves, but it's such a physical job he is so tired at the weekends he probably wouldn't have the energy to go climbing now. I'm so worried that he's become a shadow of himself by being with me.

In the meantime, I've recently started developing feelings for someone else and the guilt has hit me hard. I can't sleep, I'm binge eating even though food is making me nauseous and I'm crying constantly. The flip my heart does when I see the other guy is how I should have felt on my wedding day. I have never flirted and would never do anything to betray my husband but it's getting to the point where imagining the other man with someone else is devastating to me, but imagining my husband with someone else doesn't make me sad. I just want to see him get the love and happiness that he deserves.

I'm so scared, my head is screaming at me not to hurt him and not to rip our family apart, financially ruining myself in doing so but my heart and conscience are pulling me towards it.

What is wrong with me? Why do I have the most loving and devoted husband in the world yet want to leave him?

Why do you think the OP needs “an apologist”?

What has she actually done wrong?

Wondered if she’s enough in love for the rest of her life? Got swept along in good enough? Paused to consider what’s for the best rather than just upping and going?

What massive crime has she committed?

‘The script’ in its final stages is where the cheater - on Mumsnet usually the husband as posters skew female - announces that he has never really loved his wife but rather has been pretending all these years. He has now met his one true wuv and since he has never been in love before, is forced by the intensity of his feelings to dump his wife and kids and run off with his girlfriend.

He may well claim they will both benefit because after all, since he was never in love, he is sure his wife wasn’t either.

There is usually a preliminary stage where he becomes critical of the wife.

It’s a way for someone who knows they are doing something wrong (cheating) to convince themselves their behaviour isn’t that bad / is out of their control. It’s an incredibly nasty thing to do to someone as it leaves the deserted partner frantically going back over the entire relationship. When he said ‘I love you’ on the wedding day - it was a lie? Every loving glance, affectionate conversation, happy memory of a loving family - he was lying during all of them?

That may not be what the OP is doing here (re-writing history to justify breaking up her marriage) but looking at her justifications, they are a classic example of ‘the script’. Maybe this is the one time it’s all actually true of course, only the OP can know…..

Unless the OP admits she’s lying - she is/was in love with her DH, she never felt how she described on her wedding day, she’s just following ‘The Script’ and it’s her attraction to the other man that’s the problem… posters like the above won’t be satisfied. This thread is fascinating from a psychological perspective. Posters literally refusing to believe someone could have married and had children with someone they weren’t in love with, which is so commonplace (sadly). Encouraging her to stay regardless and continue living a lie. Most of the replies from the pitchfork brigade need to be taken with a hefty pinch of salt.

I only hope the OP hasn’t internalised the narrative from the pile on that ensued, and the massively unhelpful villainising of her character. I think she was brave to post. I think lots of other people can relate, but thats also a very uneasy thing to consider. It’s much easier to say she’s awful and feel reassured that you aren’t her, or her DH. So much othering and projection in the thread.

I hope the OP can take the time needed to safely explore her feelings before making any moves, and I hope she can continue to be brave if she needs to be.

This.

I mean… much of the advice on this thread boils down to “It’s good enough, stay with him”. But when the OP states that’s what she’s been doing? It’s the script and she’s lying.

Lots of women like to believe the script always applies because it's much nicer to believe their husbands were lying to them about not loving them ever just to cheat rather than accepting that in some cases it's the truth.

Maybe. Also, most OW/Affair partners like to believe the man they’re cheating with never loved their wife.

I doubt many are that bothered really! Those who are happy to be with someone who is married (a lot probably have no idea as it is) probably don't care.

Thank you. Although my ex has many faults I’m at least glad to say he didn’t give me the script.