Wanting to leave my perfect husband

[Nixiha]

Am I a complete monster?

I (31) have been with husband (32) for 12 years and we have been married for 7 years.
We have two great kids aged 4 and 1 and we also have two dogs, one we've raised from a puppy and one that we rescued.

My husband is such an amazing person, he's a fantastic husband who fully supports me, he absolutely adores me, wants to have sex all the time, is a great dad, tells me me loves me every day, tells me that I'm beautiful, makes me laugh and works so hard to support our family.

My heart wants to leave though. It's been clear to me for years that I love him dearly, but as a friend. I knew this when I married him. I felt nauseous the night before, a knot in my stomach and clammy hands on the day and I could barely look him in the eye during the ceremony because he was looking at me with such love and devotion in his eyes. I squashed all of this away because we work so effortlessly together as a team, I knew he'd be a wonderful father, I loved his family and he's still my best friend and I never want to hurt him.

Now married for 7 years with our great kids, life should be a dream but my heart is slowly breaking into pieces. It's dawning on me that no matter how blissfully happy he seems with me, I've sucked the soul out of my husband over the years. The young man I met had big passions, he loved rock climbing, hill walking, abseiling, skiing, kayaking, playing rugby and loads more. He would walk into a pub and immediately befriend every stranger, he was so sociable and friendly.
These days he does nothing. He gave up everything one by one and now he has no passions or hobbies or friends that he sees often. He works in forestry which he loves, but it's such a physical job he is so tired at the weekends he probably wouldn't have the energy to go climbing now. I'm so worried that he's become a shadow of himself by being with me.

In the meantime, I've recently started developing feelings for someone else and the guilt has hit me hard. I can't sleep, I'm binge eating even though food is making me nauseous and I'm crying constantly. The flip my heart does when I see the other guy is how I should have felt on my wedding day. I have never flirted and would never do anything to betray my husband but it's getting to the point where imagining the other man with someone else is devastating to me, but imagining my husband with someone else doesn't make me sad. I just want to see him get the love and happiness that he deserves.

I'm so scared, my head is screaming at me not to hurt him and not to rip our family apart, financially ruining myself in doing so but my heart and conscience are pulling me towards it.

What is wrong with me? Why do I have the most loving and devoted husband in the world yet want to leave him?

It's quite honestly a sad situation for all involved. I don't think OP should be vilified for opening up about how she feels and contemplating what implications her actions could have on her family. Certainly the husband sounds wonderful and the children and family don't deserve the pain, but it doesn't seem like she's doing this maliciously. She says she has developed feelings for someone else but not acted on them.
It seems like OP is realising that loving someone and being in love are two totally different things. Not being in love with your partner may be a completely normal situation for many, but clearly OP is looking for more in her life. I would think counselling could help here. There may not be any 'problems' to solve but counselling could show/guide OP a life that can be fulfilling and wonderful and full of love without the feeling of being 'in love'. Maybe seek counselling first for yourself OP before opening up to your husband. It seems you have to make sense of it all yourself before making any decisions that will impact your family.

You shouldn't leave because you have a crush on someone else - that's madness. It's also like succumbing to an addiction that could well cause you harm.

If the marriage is really wrong, then that's the reason to leave. Counselling for yourself would be very useful - to explore your feelings around your marriage and why you got married if you really didn't want to - who needs to do that in this day and age, in our culture, anyway? Your focus needs to be on this, not on an infatuation with a relative stranger, where any possible future is only a fantasy inside your head.

You buried the lede. You have fallen for someone else. I think you need to let him go.

if i man posted this we would call it the script. maybe you and your husband should separate, but you suck if it is for a guy you have the hots for.

You and husband are in the weeds right now, your kids are teeny, of course it's not exciting, of course he has no energy for hobbies. Every conversation will be logistics and chores and of course its not sexy. But you have a partnership - you say he is your best friend and you don't want to hurt him. If you do this you will hurt him and lose all trust and emotional connection, you will blow up your life. You will have to miss out on time with your kids.

Lots of people have long and happy marriages from arranged marriages or marriages of convenience. Lots of marriages start from exciting romantic trusts and settle into something more sedate and comfortable as time goes on.

My take - you should have couples therapy before you do anything else. My mum was a marriage guidance counsellor and said that many people came to figure out if they wanted to stay together or not, some did and some didn't but even those who chose to split were able to do so amicably because they had therapy first. There is no good reason to break up your family without trying therapy first, if you still choose to leave you can do so knowing you did everything you could.

Yeah this sounds like the script to me. Do you actually know this person well? It may be limerence. Happened to me when my kids were younger, it’s a stress response I think. Having small kids is hard, you sometimes feel like there should be more and that you are missing out on something.

So you love your husband 'as a friend', yet you've stayed 12 years with him wanting to have sex 'all the time'. And obviously had enough sex to have 2 children!
Doesn't sound like you had absolutely zero romantic feelings for him. Maybe you weren't as besotted with him as he is with you. But it doesn't mean you have zero sexual attraction. Maybe like 10%.

Anyway, if that's not true, and you're 100% certain that all of it was fake it's unfair to keep stringing him along. How long will you be able to keep faking it? The fallout will be painful now but easier to get over as you're both still very young.

But it won't be OK, not for the kids whose lives will change and may get a new "dad" etc etc.
Or for the husband.
People make such selfish decisions.

Exactly, am assuming with a 1 yo you're still on mat leave?
How are you planning childcare when you're with your new man?,
Are you expecting your STBXH to fund you?

Yes but what's done is done. There's no point in kicking the OP for it.

@Isometimeswonder

well, it would be ok for the husband though surely? He could get to be with someone who is in love with him

If it's a bad job, its best to make an end of it as quickly as possible.

Yep, awaiting for the inevitable 'aww hun....don't you worry, do what's best for you, the kids will be fine...happy mum happy kids' 🙄

Your brain is working hard to justify leaving him, reasoning that he would be better off without you. On the one hand, no parent with responsibilities really manages to keep up their hobbies and zest for life while they have small children, this is just life. On the other, he deserves to be adored as we all do, but I do think that lots of people in long relationships have their head turned in this way sometimes, and you have to be careful of thinking that the grass is always greener.

I disagree, it isn't always the case that people look elsewhere because of something missing in the relationship.... often it's because people feel they have lost a particular part of their own identity and meet someone who makes them feel reconnected to that part of themselves. In these cases the individual should explore which part of them feels lacking and find other ways to reconnect with that part of their identity by themselves.

Esther Perel has a lot of interesting work on infidelity which speaks to this phenomenon. I also have felt this to be true in my own life when I have found myself developing a crush on someone...

Thing is, LTR/ marriage becomes like that after a while anyway, no matter how it was at the start. Very few people have it all, especially after getting married and having kids.

Go sit with a coffee and people watch on Saturday. A lot of people look like being in a couple with their significant other is a chore.

You may get lucky and find true love. But it’s hard to find what you have in the long-run, Simone that really cares for you.

THIS and....Marriage is of many parts and times, it is uphill and it is downhill, sometimes it feels stagnant and tired.

The entirely of marriage "institution" cannot possibly be based on passion and feelings. It is a partnership that is sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes boring and lackluster. Nothing worth having comes easy.

When there is a feeling of passion and "wiggles" about one's partner now and then, so much the better. Icing on the cake.

During the not so great times and dull times, days, weeks or even months of no feeling of passion one must focus one's DH's good points, things that in your mind realistic: does he come home each night, does he treat you as if he loves you deeply...etc; you described a man who loves you.

Divorce doesn't hurt kids just when they are young. It hurts the entire basis of family and marriage - which is commitment. When you make a marriage and subsequent family, you are no in life with yourself, therefore you cannot act as if you are. To do so is an act of selfish disregard for your family - not the people or the kids, but the unit you made a decision to be there for.

You made a promise and a commitment to what you describe, to a man who is a wonderful father. Now, be a wonderful mother and do the same for your children.

The grass is not greener when one's vision is fogged by fantasies and passion and desire.

A family and marriage grows over time; it changes, you and DH change and develop into mature people. Stick with it, and if after 20-30 years you want to go off on your own again: go for it.

But remember if you divorce your DH simply because you have the hots for whoever is making you hot, you will be blowing up a family because of feelings and not facts.

Absolutely this. That butterflies feeling doesn't last. Your poor kids.

And do not kid yourself you are doing this for him as you have made him a "shadow of a man". Like you he has 2 young kids and a life that doesn't allow all those hobbies.

Your husband sounds gorgeous, I will happily take him off your hands…

And what if he fights you for your children?

Do you really want them just 50% of the time?

Your husband has served the purpose that you married him for, and become a less attractive person in the process. Now that you have no more use for him, why would you stay?

You’re bored, stability is boring. What happens if this other person doesn’t reciprocate or dumps you, then what? Crawl back with your tail between your legs. This is about fighting for your family or do you want to give that away too? Get help by yourself think you can go to relate on your own. Sort out what is most important to you but don’t destroy the trust your husband has put in you or at least try.

Normally on these threads I say you're entitled to leave for whatever reason you want and that parents shouldn't have to sacrifice their happiness to stay in a marriage they don't really want to be in. That's still true - but.

As lots of other people have very astutely pointed out, this feels a lot like you reverse engineering a morally just reason for leaving him because you fancy someone else - a tale as old as time, 'the script' as others have said. It's not you throwing your life away for a bit of strange if it's 'morally justified' by the fact that actually you never wanted any of this at all and you've been living a lie. It's not you wanting an affair and being a shit wife if actually, you're doing it all for his good, is it? That's what this says to me. Maybe I'm wrong and you've actually been lying to and pretending to this man all this time, and in that case then let the poor man have better. But I think you've hit the settled, sensible reality of raising children with someone and got a bit bored and aimless and - like so many people who are tempted to cheat - the idea of something new and shiny has turned your head. And honestly I think you'd be an idiot to leave your marriage for that.

All I can say OP is you need to grow up!

Loads and loads of people historically and today, marry without romance. Marriage is ultimately a partnership, and sounds like he is an amazing partner, no I absolutely wouldn't leave him, in the circumstances. Never mind the posts that say you'd be "doing him a favour". You won't be. He'll be devestated, poorer, and have to not see his children half the time. That's not to say you shouldn't leave him (the reasons for that are different), but if you do leave, be clear that it isn't for him. I think people tell themselves this to make themselves feel better, and it isn't honest.

I think your unhappiness is a separate issue, which obviously does need addressing, but in another way. The fact you're not head-over-heels, madly in love with, and sexually attracted to your husband, shouldn't make you that unhappy. I don't know what the answer is, but I'd focus on doing some soul searching about what you feel is missing in your life generally, rather than jacking the lot in. I don't think this new bloke is the answer, and you'll regret leaving your husband for him, in the not-to-distant future when you still feel sad.