Wanting to leave my perfect husband

[Nixiha]

Am I a complete monster?

I (31) have been with husband (32) for 12 years and we have been married for 7 years.
We have two great kids aged 4 and 1 and we also have two dogs, one we've raised from a puppy and one that we rescued.

My husband is such an amazing person, he's a fantastic husband who fully supports me, he absolutely adores me, wants to have sex all the time, is a great dad, tells me me loves me every day, tells me that I'm beautiful, makes me laugh and works so hard to support our family.

My heart wants to leave though. It's been clear to me for years that I love him dearly, but as a friend. I knew this when I married him. I felt nauseous the night before, a knot in my stomach and clammy hands on the day and I could barely look him in the eye during the ceremony because he was looking at me with such love and devotion in his eyes. I squashed all of this away because we work so effortlessly together as a team, I knew he'd be a wonderful father, I loved his family and he's still my best friend and I never want to hurt him.

Now married for 7 years with our great kids, life should be a dream but my heart is slowly breaking into pieces. It's dawning on me that no matter how blissfully happy he seems with me, I've sucked the soul out of my husband over the years. The young man I met had big passions, he loved rock climbing, hill walking, abseiling, skiing, kayaking, playing rugby and loads more. He would walk into a pub and immediately befriend every stranger, he was so sociable and friendly.
These days he does nothing. He gave up everything one by one and now he has no passions or hobbies or friends that he sees often. He works in forestry which he loves, but it's such a physical job he is so tired at the weekends he probably wouldn't have the energy to go climbing now. I'm so worried that he's become a shadow of himself by being with me.

In the meantime, I've recently started developing feelings for someone else and the guilt has hit me hard. I can't sleep, I'm binge eating even though food is making me nauseous and I'm crying constantly. The flip my heart does when I see the other guy is how I should have felt on my wedding day. I have never flirted and would never do anything to betray my husband but it's getting to the point where imagining the other man with someone else is devastating to me, but imagining my husband with someone else doesn't make me sad. I just want to see him get the love and happiness that he deserves.

I'm so scared, my head is screaming at me not to hurt him and not to rip our family apart, financially ruining myself in doing so but my heart and conscience are pulling me towards it.

What is wrong with me? Why do I have the most loving and devoted husband in the world yet want to leave him?

This. And in my experience, stomach flipping disappears after a long length of time together - this probably would happen with this new man too.

I agree
Op didn’t give her dh the opportunity to find someone who really loves him.

Can you just imagine if a bloke had come on here and said the same thing?

I think the truth is that you are having an affair and you’re feeling upset at the idea of OM sleeping with his wife. Feelings like yours don’t just happen. They are nurtured by daily contact and deep chats. You don’t just wake up one day with feelings.

You really don’t need to pretend that you’re putting your poor husband first. Just admit you want a grubby little affair and be done with it.

This is quite the subtext you have invented to the OP.

And nor will her husband and children be.

Why @Nixiha do you think it's your fault he's given everything he enjoyed up?

This says it all.

I was going to echo what most are saying, but I'll add something different.

Keep a diary of gratitude for at least a fortnight: Write down a few sentences of things to be grateful for in your life, every day (and you have a lot). I know so many people who would give anything to have family like that. You sound very blessed. Do not mess it up for a silly crush.

You sound like you're just bored in life in general like many adults feel at different stages of life and have a crush. Before you go and do anything drastic challenge yourself in other ways like take up new hobbies etc so you're not focused on home life all the time.
Your husband giving up his hobbies is just normal for people working full time feeling knackered.
I think you are in danger of romantasising dating too as people want what they don't have. It's not necessarily going to be exciting it can also be disappointing and depressing.

It sounds like you have a lovely life with a lovely man and children. Okay you are not passionately physically in love with him, but there is a lot to throw away here.

I actually think there’s something to this. You definitely don’t wake up with feelings for some random. It takes time and knowledge of the person. OP has allowed that to happen despite the fact that she’s married with kids.

The ‘crush’ on another man is a red herring. You don’t fancy your husband OP, you don’t love him the way you should. It’s not fair on you. It’s not fair on him.
perhaps splitting up and co-parenting might be the best option.
@Nixiha

@TheDeepLemonHelper

surely it’s better for the kids for their mother to be happy though? And she really doesn’t sound very happy now.

In real life there is no such thing as Prince Charming, marriage is not supposed to be all sunshine or rainbows. You made vows to each other and to your future family. It sounds just like normal life to me, especially with young children.

Obviously in cases where there is domestic violence or affairs etc etc that’s different (goes without saying but someone will say it!).

I agree with the posts about rewriting history, do you really honestly feel like you’ve written about your whole relationship or are you subconsciously trying to justify the fact you’ve had your head turned and are planning on leaving?

Have you tried doing things together again away from the kids and getting a bit of spark back? Life is monotonous and hard with young kids it’s just the way it is.

Your husband sounds wonderful, but if you truly don’t love him in the way you want you can find someone else but I’d really try working on it first before you walk out.

Are you going through post natal depression?
A 1 and 4 year old is a handful and I understand the reason why you would want to escape. Everyday the same routine it can kill any relationship. You have a patient husband who probably sees how you feel and wants you to feel good about yourself.

The grass is never greener on the other side only more complicated. If you did leave your husband for an arsehole you will live on regrets. You will have to accept him moving on with a new partner and knowing how well he is treating her and thinking that used to be me.

It’s all about you having drama, passion and perfection. You sound immature and self centered, do you think everyone is skipping through the roses. Life isn’t a movie. Before long you will be bored of the other guy too. Barely a mention of the children. Put your kids first op and grow up.

I mean. Leave if you must but you are a fool if you do.

The grass is always greener.

You can just fancy someone - it’s not that deep! It’s not like she fancies her husband - that’s the issue.

You made a really selfish decision when you walked down that aisle. You knew you weren’t in love with him but you didn’t walk away because you wanted a certain life; someone who would work with you, a good father etc. Sod him, and what he might want. It was all about you and what was best for you. And now you’ve got what you wanted, you’re on the lookout for excitement and passion? And you’re attempting to justify your wish to leave him with claims of how he’ll be better off without you? He’ll have friends and go rock climbing again? Your sheer selfishness is astounding. Grow the fuck up.

If you really don’t want to be with him anymore, and you can’t be bothered to work at your marriage, then leave. Give the poor sod a chance to be happy with someone else. But stop pretending this is about anything else other than you, and what you want. Again.

Bluntly. You are lucky, what you have is as good as it gets. Do not destroy your marriage and upset your husband and children for sex with someone else.

You come across as spoilt and indulged tbh. You need to give your head a shake and appreciate your husband. So what, if you ‘settled’ rather than it being the mythical great romance. Give yourself until the kids are adults. If you still want to, leave then.

I have been in your exact position and guess what, I didn’t act on my feelings, kept away from the other man and got my act together. 20 years down the line, I am so glad I did.

Every aspect of this post is spot on.

When you have kids, they come first. Can you honestly say you are doing the best for them if you leave? I doubt it. You need to have the maturity to accept life as a parent is quite different to life as a stomach flipping singleton. The excitement is replaced by something else, and at the centre of that is ensuring your children are loved and nurtured.

Your husband sounds like a lovely actual grown-up. He doesn’t deserve the awfulness of 50% parenting because you’ve had your head turned. You should look to him as an example.