Wanting to leave my perfect husband

[Nixiha]

Am I a complete monster?

I (31) have been with husband (32) for 12 years and we have been married for 7 years.
We have two great kids aged 4 and 1 and we also have two dogs, one we've raised from a puppy and one that we rescued.

My husband is such an amazing person, he's a fantastic husband who fully supports me, he absolutely adores me, wants to have sex all the time, is a great dad, tells me me loves me every day, tells me that I'm beautiful, makes me laugh and works so hard to support our family.

My heart wants to leave though. It's been clear to me for years that I love him dearly, but as a friend. I knew this when I married him. I felt nauseous the night before, a knot in my stomach and clammy hands on the day and I could barely look him in the eye during the ceremony because he was looking at me with such love and devotion in his eyes. I squashed all of this away because we work so effortlessly together as a team, I knew he'd be a wonderful father, I loved his family and he's still my best friend and I never want to hurt him.

Now married for 7 years with our great kids, life should be a dream but my heart is slowly breaking into pieces. It's dawning on me that no matter how blissfully happy he seems with me, I've sucked the soul out of my husband over the years. The young man I met had big passions, he loved rock climbing, hill walking, abseiling, skiing, kayaking, playing rugby and loads more. He would walk into a pub and immediately befriend every stranger, he was so sociable and friendly.
These days he does nothing. He gave up everything one by one and now he has no passions or hobbies or friends that he sees often. He works in forestry which he loves, but it's such a physical job he is so tired at the weekends he probably wouldn't have the energy to go climbing now. I'm so worried that he's become a shadow of himself by being with me.

In the meantime, I've recently started developing feelings for someone else and the guilt has hit me hard. I can't sleep, I'm binge eating even though food is making me nauseous and I'm crying constantly. The flip my heart does when I see the other guy is how I should have felt on my wedding day. I have never flirted and would never do anything to betray my husband but it's getting to the point where imagining the other man with someone else is devastating to me, but imagining my husband with someone else doesn't make me sad. I just want to see him get the love and happiness that he deserves.

I'm so scared, my head is screaming at me not to hurt him and not to rip our family apart, financially ruining myself in doing so but my heart and conscience are pulling me towards it.

What is wrong with me? Why do I have the most loving and devoted husband in the world yet want to leave him?

Marrying someone knowing that you don't love them romantically is just bonkers. Anyone reading this thread, thinking of doing similar, don't! It just causes massive hurt and massive disruption to everyone's lives (especially small children's) when you realise a handful of years down the line that 'nah, this isn't working for me'.

If you leave, it will absolutely not be for your husband's benefit so do not leave under that pretense. He would likely never trust a soul again and you'd be leaving a man who has given up all his hobbies for his family with nothing but devastation and his children half the time at best.

You seem to have found a needle in a haystack with your description of him, I'd stick this out for a few more years until you're past the monotony of raising young children and see how you feel then. There's not many people who would pass up spending their life with their best friend to chase lust.

Don’t have the affair- if you get found out it will put a bomb in the middle if your family and you will feel guilty for a long time. Talk to your husband about how you feel and you might at least be able to split on a more amicable basis rather than being labelled a cheat who destroyed the family.

Mr razzle dazzle is making your heart flutter because you’ve seen his smile and jazz hands and not much else.

Love this 😂 Mr razzle dazzle indeed.

OP, release your husband into the dating pool. You are doing him a favour. He will be snapped up in an instant. I suspect your Mr Loverboy will get bored with you once he realises how much he has to take on, throw you over for a younger unencumbered version and you will languish in the dating pool for a while repenting at leisure.

It is not fair.

This is such a great response and I just want to echo the sentiments here. Good luck OP.

Thing is, you met at 19. Marriage and kids is boring. He’s slowly given up everything, because family takes over. You never played the field.

I really think it’s important to get a lot of things out of your system before you settle down. You’re bored stiff and want to shag someone else. I get it. There’s no easy answer. Would I? No. I don’t want my kids coming from a broken home and the thought of my DH taking them off on a Friday night and introducing them to another woman would kill me.

People do this all the time for myriad reasons. Some people prioritise stability and security - and raising a family in a calm environment- over romantic love. Issues arise when one person is no longer happy with this, decide they do need more and don’t remain committed to the marriage.

People settle all the time.

This is exactly what I was going to say. You are rewriting history to suit your narrative to justify cheating.

Yes people settle to varyng degrees all the time. But if you're at the level of settling where you're unable to bring yourself to look your husband-to-be in the eye during the wedding ceremony, you've made a massive mistake.

I completely agree.

Have you given any thought at all to your very young children??

Yep this exactly-rewriting of history is always part of the excuses for cheating etc. I get you haven’t cheated yet but you are blowing up your life for a fantasy. You’re complaining that your husband doesn’t do his hobby’s anymore - well that’s easily fixed. You sound like your remembering the single guy and not happy that he’s turned into the family guy.

Yet managed to spend the next seven years with him having sex and producing 2 children. The not being able to look him in the eye is all poetic bullshit to garner sympathy.

Don’t leave your husband.
Who is the other guy?

I went out with a couple of great guys, before I met DH.
Both are excellent husbands now, with very nice lives.

Meanwhile, my DH is a tough character. Hard work!
Our marriage hasn’t been easy, our life is not perfect…

Sometimes I wonder if I made the right moves, in life.
That’s not to say you can’t change your mind, ever.

Think! It would have to be for a bloody good reason?
I’d love hot sex, a nice home, closer family. But, hey…

Thing long and hard before doing anything. When ur with Someone long term of course it gets a bit stale. But that is life and all the mundane things that go with it. Do you really think it will be any different with this other man ? Of course not. As even if it developed into something you will be back in the married home life and the mundane that goes with it. I know of at least two friends who moved in to pastures new and now regret it.
your DH deserves better. You clearly still think a lot of him so dig deep and make the effort. Too many marriages fall as people jump ship at the first problem. Marriage is a journey. Good and bad. Do t give up a good thing before you have fought for it.

I was in a similar situation - married young to someone I knew I would not stay with. No children involved.
I left after 9 years. I'm happier now but it's been a struggle at times. To leave a good partner for the unknown. Ex and I are still friends but not close.

I would recommend if you do choose to end the relationship, do so whilst the children are still very young. The impact on children differs in pubescent and teenage years - they remember more of mum and dad together.

Definitely leave. You haven't 'sucked the life out of him' lol, unless your name is Henry Hoover.
He's not perfect for you as you don't fancy him. He deserves to be with someone who desires him sexually. And you deserve to be with someone you desire.
As amicably as possible break up. It sounds like if you don't you're going to start potentially valuing the concept of an affair which again isn't fair on you, him or the other bloke you say you like. Don't rush into anything with him either.
I think having your own space would do you good. You're still really young. There's no point wasting any more time on something that's never going to be right.

Agree with this. You’re being ridiculous.

This.
You would be an idiot to leave. Be grateful for what you have.

This is excellent advice and just about sums it up. You are finding reasons to end the marriage because you fancy someone and sadly you will probably feel the same about the next person eventually. Work on the marriage - maybe your expectations are too high.

I bet everything was ok until you started listing over the new bloke. Your poor DH. You’re rewriting the past to validate the future.

You love him as a friend ? You’ve fallen out of love with him ? Nope. You’ve met someone else and despite being married with kids you’ve allowed yourself to develop feelings for them, and because of that you’re questioning whether you ever loved your husband in the same way. The thrill of a new relationship always wears off. There are no guarantees about how you and your new love would be together. On the surface you have it all. Only you know whether it would be worth blowing up your marriage and subjecting your kids to the breakup on the basis of what may well turn out to be a crush. Before you act, ask yourself a question. Assuming the new bloke works out, what will happen when you meet your next crush and feel the same way ? You need to get a grip and grow up.