Wanting to leave my perfect husband

[Nixiha]

Am I a complete monster?

I (31) have been with husband (32) for 12 years and we have been married for 7 years.
We have two great kids aged 4 and 1 and we also have two dogs, one we've raised from a puppy and one that we rescued.

My husband is such an amazing person, he's a fantastic husband who fully supports me, he absolutely adores me, wants to have sex all the time, is a great dad, tells me me loves me every day, tells me that I'm beautiful, makes me laugh and works so hard to support our family.

My heart wants to leave though. It's been clear to me for years that I love him dearly, but as a friend. I knew this when I married him. I felt nauseous the night before, a knot in my stomach and clammy hands on the day and I could barely look him in the eye during the ceremony because he was looking at me with such love and devotion in his eyes. I squashed all of this away because we work so effortlessly together as a team, I knew he'd be a wonderful father, I loved his family and he's still my best friend and I never want to hurt him.

Now married for 7 years with our great kids, life should be a dream but my heart is slowly breaking into pieces. It's dawning on me that no matter how blissfully happy he seems with me, I've sucked the soul out of my husband over the years. The young man I met had big passions, he loved rock climbing, hill walking, abseiling, skiing, kayaking, playing rugby and loads more. He would walk into a pub and immediately befriend every stranger, he was so sociable and friendly.
These days he does nothing. He gave up everything one by one and now he has no passions or hobbies or friends that he sees often. He works in forestry which he loves, but it's such a physical job he is so tired at the weekends he probably wouldn't have the energy to go climbing now. I'm so worried that he's become a shadow of himself by being with me.

In the meantime, I've recently started developing feelings for someone else and the guilt has hit me hard. I can't sleep, I'm binge eating even though food is making me nauseous and I'm crying constantly. The flip my heart does when I see the other guy is how I should have felt on my wedding day. I have never flirted and would never do anything to betray my husband but it's getting to the point where imagining the other man with someone else is devastating to me, but imagining my husband with someone else doesn't make me sad. I just want to see him get the love and happiness that he deserves.

I'm so scared, my head is screaming at me not to hurt him and not to rip our family apart, financially ruining myself in doing so but my heart and conscience are pulling me towards it.

What is wrong with me? Why do I have the most loving and devoted husband in the world yet want to leave him?

Strong friendship is a very good foundation for happy marriage. I wouldn't rush out if I were you. To me this all seems like craving drama out of boredom.

I'm so sick of reading all the posts about people settling. About hard work and marriage counselling and responsibilities. You fucked up by marrying him. I did the same. I thought I was happy, I thought it was the right thing to do and my husband was perfect and I was slowly dying inside. Yes my head was turned but that's REALISTIC when you have no romantic feelings for your partner. People evolve, people change, people want different things and we aren't chained to marriage. This isn't the Victorian days. Yes your life may be harder and don't underestimate the mountain ahead of you. But I believe it's worth the climb. It's worth doing right by yourself. It's worth showing your kids bravery and integrity. Do right by your husband and release him. You are not a monster. Far from it. In fact I'd go as far as to say you could be part of the brave new world. The people who refuse to settle. Just be kind. Do it as kindly as you can and accept there will be pain. But there already is in your heart. You don't need to throw yourself under the bus for your family they will survive and thrive regardless.

totally agree !

My colleague’s wife did this.

She ended up skint, had another kid with someone else who turned out to be a deadbeat so she has 3 kids in a flat.

Meanwhile he’s living his best life with his younger child free girlfriend, got multiple promotions and absolutely ripped because with 50/50 care he has much more time to himself. He was devastated at the time but it’s turned out very well for him!

She might well be happier now but from the outside it looks like she blew up her life for a bit of excitement.

You should never had married him, knowing that you didn't feel the same way. Leave. He deserves better

Because she seems to be looking for justification to blow up her marriage and her children’s lives over lusting after another man and pretending it’s for her husband’s benefit.

I don’t know about anyone else but I’m not vilifying her, I’m trying to get her to think about what she is doing before she does anything irrevocable.

To be fair, I say ‘seems’ because there are some places where you only ask for advice if you at least subconsciously know what you are going to be told. Mumsnet is not the place to post for encouragement to leave a good man / have an affair so my guess is the OP seems to want that ice water shock she describes.

It’s like a woman I know who raised similar issues with a good husband with her Catholic priest. She must have known the advice she was going to get - she just wanted someone to talk her out of doing something stupid!

Fucking hell. I knew you had met someone else. So you used this lovely man and then dumped his arse when the next sucker came along.
You want to finish with your DH so you can go and shag someone else knowing you have "split up". Pathetic. It's all about you. Not your husband or kids who's world you are going to fuck up.

Honestly, this is so cliche it’s embarrassing.

So much about how he adores you and you are sucking the life out of him. So really you would be doing him a favour if you left him to shag someone else.

I don’t think people should stay in an unhappy marriage. But really? You knew you shouldn’t have married him. But then had 2 kids with him anyway. Stayed for 7 years anyway. Knew he would be good Dad, so made sure you had kids with him while not really living him at all.

Basically, you are saying you used him. To your benefit even though you knew you didn’t want to marry him. Now you have found a shiny new toy, it’s time to end it. You couldn’t have possibly have ended it before marriage. Before you involved 2 children.

Or is the whole ‘I never really loved him’ just a convenient story. It means you can convince yourself that the OM, is really the love of your life. Because that excuses it. People seem to think it doesn’t matter what harm they cause if it’s in pursuit of true love. You love him like a friend? Would you screw a friend over like this? Deceive them for 7 years, build a life with them knowing you didnt really want to be friends with them just waiting until someone better came along?

If you genuinely should have never married him you should leave. Because he deserves better. And when your shiny new toys turns out to be not so fun, and you realise those new features are actually a bit shit compared to what you had, don’t try and crawl back. Let him get on and build his own life without you.

Yes, what you wrote is an utter cliche and sickening self-indulgent history-rewriting self-justification crap for blowing up the lives of 3 persons who actually care about you. Go and scratch your itch but don't expect your life to ever be easy from that moment on. I hope you can live with yourself.

Love isn’t those fairytale butterflies and they will always go away overtime (or at least reduce).
His hobbies haven’t reduced due to you but due to life.
My advice is to get some counselling and invest in your relationship. Avoid the guy that’s turning your head.
If you can’t make it work then fair enough but I don’t think you have realistic expectations. Life isn’t the same as a movie.

Your poor husband. I think you owe it to him to talk about it. There is a French poem..if I am the fish and you are the fisherman you will never have my love. If I am the hunter and you are the hare you will have my love. Sounds mad but holds a lot of truth.

I think it's outrageously selfish to have married someone you were unsure of and forge ahead and have children with that person, only to pull the rug out from under everyone now because you've side eyed someone you fancy. But hey, go you, that's what we're supposed to say, isn't it?

Knowing at the time you didn't love your DH as a wife should it's a shame you had DC with him but that's done.

While reading through your post I was waiting for the punch line, and along it came, you've got your eye on someone else.

If you don't think you can love your DH as he deserves and feel you've sucked the life out of him let him be, leave and have your life with someone else, no doubt he'll be devastated but over time he may return to the man he once was and realise himself you weren't the one for him after all.

Posts like this really piss me off.

Beyond selfish to tear a family apart because you are bored. You knew you were never excited about your husband yet you married him. And then had kids with him. That’s the point at which - outside of abuse - you don’t get to be selfish and you have to put the family unit first. You don’t get to ruin all their lives because you knowingly made a decision 7 years ago that led to all this.

I can’t believe you would contemplate turning your children’s lives apart and force them into a situation of shared custody and two homes and all the stresses that come with it. And your poor husband. It’s not his fault you aren’t excited about him, all this ‘set him free’ nonsense is trying to justify your decision - he is clearly quite happy, there is no telling how he would recover from this and no guarantee he’s going to find some fairytale romance himself. More likely you’ll be forcing him into a situation where he doesn’t see his kids as much as he wants and is financially screwed.

Put some effort into your marriage. It is hard and boring and tedious at times when you have young kids that’s normal. Find a way to make sure your crush isn’t anywhere near you, don’t make any contact and minimise all interactions. And use all that spare headspace to figure out a way to enjoy time with your DH again.

I have to say I’m wondering why you think it’s your fault he has stopped all the activities he used to do.
He is a father of 2. Of course he isn’t going to carry on doing all of those things! Well not if he is a great father and husband.
But somehow you assume it’s all in you. Why??

The guy that has turned your head.
Let’s be honest, you have no idea if he is actually a great person or not. Or whether he’d be attracted to you. Leaving your dh for him sounds bonkers tbh. Rather I think you’d be leaving out of guilt of ‘not loving your dh enough/the right way’ for a dream that only exists in your own head.

Before chucking it all out, I’d have counselling. On your own!!
Explore what is making you want to leave - what’s attracting you in that guy you dont have just now?
And why did you get married? Why did you have children if you dint ‘love’ your dh?

fwiw I think love isn’t a word. It’s not a feeling. It’s a verb, something you do days and days. It’s the connexion with the other person, the vulnerability. All the things that i suspect you put under the friendship umbrella.
The butterflies? That’s not love. That being infatuated. That’s physical attraction. Pheromones. Being horny. But it’s not love.

She fancies someone else…

You're really willing to rip your family apart for a crush and a bit of a rut? If you have any kindness in you, you'll talk to your husband and try to fix things before you make any decisions. Marriages have ups and downs. If you can communicate and are willing to work through things, you can have a great life together. Giving up when you've not even talked to the poor man would be cowardly and cruel. You say he's a perfect husband and father - well they're not that common. If you leave him, you're likely to regret it.

I’d forget the head turn. Go get some therapy. Work out why you married him and go from there. I did this and know where you are coming from. Now divorced and not pretending and happy. But you need to do it for you. No one else.

Btw I fully agree that the idea if ‘setting him free’ is shit.
Whether the relationship, like it is today, is enough for him is up to the OP’s dh to decide. That’s not up to her to say what is or isn’t good enough.

But the OP has to decide FOR HERSELF what’s the best way forward.
And not do it under I reste ce of being kind yo him when actually she is doing it for herself (like all of us btw)

👏👏👏👏

Wholeheartedly agree. You have one life.

I dint think she should talk to her dh.
From her own description, he is a great man. What do you think he could differently to change her feelings?

But the OP telling him she’d never really ,over him, now that would a real heartbreaking thing to say.

Much better she is exploring that on her own with a therapist.
Much less likely to end up with everyine getting deeply hurt in the process.

Dont be surprised if you run off into the sunset with Mr razzle dazzle and then realise it’s all smoke and mirrors. How many people fall in love and then end up wondering who they married and divorced and despising them.

Mr razzle dazzle is making your heart flutter because you’ve seen his smile and jazz hands and not much else.

Personally as a single Mother, currently facing a weekend with a whipper snipper and an ex husband who won’t communicate regarding our child, I’m turned on by your husband based on that post alone. Even the thought of a man who does all of that and was a wonderful Dad to my kids makes me feel all the things.

I think you should try counselling before you try someone else:

I have no idea what this means. Who is the fish, fisherman, hunter, hare here?

How unfortunate. I do think you will find the grass isn't greener on the other side. You sound completely infatuated with this other fellow. What if this fellow isn't even thinking of happily ever after with you.