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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wanting to leave my perfect husband

359 replies

Nixiha · 09/11/2024 14:03

Am I a complete monster?

I (31) have been with husband (32) for 12 years and we have been married for 7 years.
We have two great kids aged 4 and 1 and we also have two dogs, one we've raised from a puppy and one that we rescued.

My husband is such an amazing person, he's a fantastic husband who fully supports me, he absolutely adores me, wants to have sex all the time, is a great dad, tells me me loves me every day, tells me that I'm beautiful, makes me laugh and works so hard to support our family.

My heart wants to leave though. It's been clear to me for years that I love him dearly, but as a friend. I knew this when I married him. I felt nauseous the night before, a knot in my stomach and clammy hands on the day and I could barely look him in the eye during the ceremony because he was looking at me with such love and devotion in his eyes. I squashed all of this away because we work so effortlessly together as a team, I knew he'd be a wonderful father, I loved his family and he's still my best friend and I never want to hurt him.

Now married for 7 years with our great kids, life should be a dream but my heart is slowly breaking into pieces. It's dawning on me that no matter how blissfully happy he seems with me, I've sucked the soul out of my husband over the years. The young man I met had big passions, he loved rock climbing, hill walking, abseiling, skiing, kayaking, playing rugby and loads more. He would walk into a pub and immediately befriend every stranger, he was so sociable and friendly.
These days he does nothing. He gave up everything one by one and now he has no passions or hobbies or friends that he sees often. He works in forestry which he loves, but it's such a physical job he is so tired at the weekends he probably wouldn't have the energy to go climbing now. I'm so worried that he's become a shadow of himself by being with me.

In the meantime, I've recently started developing feelings for someone else and the guilt has hit me hard. I can't sleep, I'm binge eating even though food is making me nauseous and I'm crying constantly. The flip my heart does when I see the other guy is how I should have felt on my wedding day. I have never flirted and would never do anything to betray my husband but it's getting to the point where imagining the other man with someone else is devastating to me, but imagining my husband with someone else doesn't make me sad. I just want to see him get the love and happiness that he deserves.

I'm so scared, my head is screaming at me not to hurt him and not to rip our family apart, financially ruining myself in doing so but my heart and conscience are pulling me towards it.

What is wrong with me? Why do I have the most loving and devoted husband in the world yet want to leave him?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 09/11/2024 15:03

PullTheBricksDown · 09/11/2024 14:06

In the meantime, I've recently started developing feelings for someone else

Key bit is buried in the rest of your post, which then reads like a justification for what you want to do. I don't think you're a monster but I do think you're being a fucking idiot. At least put some effort in and try counselling before giving up on your marriage.

I agree with this. You want to cheat. You've had your head turned. You are in the process of rewriting history to justify that. And, just for extra effect, blaming it on your husband for being boring / not the man you married.

You will deny this. You will claim nothing could be further from the truth. But that's the crux of it.

MerryChristmasToYou · 09/11/2024 15:04

Give your head a wobble. There's more to life than fanny gallops.

Turnups · 09/11/2024 15:04

Basically, you fancy another man and are trying to justify it to yourself and us by maintaining that your leaving the husband who adores you, presumably taking his children with you, probably telling him in the process that his whole life with you has been a lie, would all be for his benefit. Riiiight…

If you’re going to do it, don’t pretend it’s for the benefit of anyone other than you. (And even that may well be short-lived.)

Original poster
Nixiha · 09/11/2024 15:04

Thanks everyone, I needed to hear all these today. Nothing like a dose of ice cold water to snap the fuck out of it x

OP posts:
Respectisnotoptional · 09/11/2024 15:06

Sounds as if you are living in a fairytale world OP with a romantic image of what love is, loving someone is not a feeling, it’s a life choice of sharing with your partner.
I doubt many women or men on here have a giddy feeling of ‘love’ but that doesn’t mean they plan to walk out on their marriage. You sound like a teenager, grow up and accept that genuine love is so much deeper than Mills and Boon novel.

AgileGreenSeal · 09/11/2024 15:06

This is awful.
I feel so sorry for your husband and children 😢

SophiaCohle · 09/11/2024 15:07

1 Keep your own counsel and don't throw a grenade into your marriage for now.

2 Don't do anything about the man who's giving you butterflies. It's not real. It's all in your head and you're projecting it on to him.

3 Do counselling/therapy on your own - not couples counselling - so you can try and understand what it is you're really feeling and why. Feelings are important but they can play tricks on you and shouldn't always be heeded. I think there's more to why you feel so semi-detached about someone you also love. It might be him or it might be you but your post suggests you don't really have a firm understanding of that yet. I would hate for you to make an irreversible mistake. I'm normally quite quick to say unhappy marriages should be ended but this sounds a bit more complicated to me.

Jl2014 · 09/11/2024 15:09

I think most of this post is BS and just boils down to “I fancy someone else”. Enough of the nonsense justifications. Why the fuck did you have children with this guy if you didn’t love him and felt nauseous at the thought of marrying. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

GiveusatwirlAnthea · 09/11/2024 15:10

Frith2013 · 09/11/2024 14:39

That's a lot of words for wanting to shag another man.

Nailed it. All the handwringing and re writing history to get sympathy on here, pathetic and transparent.

Heatherland77 · 09/11/2024 15:10

I wouldn't leave your husband but....what you're seeking is excitement. Seven year itch?
I would be open with your husband that you are bored. You need to find different ways to keep the excitement alive.
Why don't you both go rock climbing together? Or have an outdoorsy weekend without the kids? I think if you see him how you used to fancy him, the spark will come back. In the home setting he's not sexy to you but up a mountain or in a forest he might be! And he'll be in control! Now that's more like it! Yum!

GiveusatwirlAnthea · 09/11/2024 15:12

category12 · 09/11/2024 14:41

Good effort at trying to appear heroic that you're doing it partly for your poor beleaguered husband. 😂

Maybe we should award OP a medal for her selflessness, here you go OP 🥇.

LifeExperience · 09/11/2024 15:13

You need to find your moral compass and work on your marriage. Love is a choice.

LadyGabriella · 09/11/2024 15:13

You might regret breaking up your family. A husband like that is hard to find.

Taishan · 09/11/2024 15:15

You would be crazy to throw away a good relationship.
I think if you went ahead and separated, you would be making the mistake of your life.
Sure you feel ina rutted position, but the fallout would be devastating for all of you.
Stay and work it out.

Echobelly · 09/11/2024 15:16

This part struck me:

'These days he does nothing. He gave up everything one by one and now he has no passions or hobbies or friends that he sees often. He works in forestry which he loves, but it's such a physical job he is so tired at the weekends he probably wouldn't have the energy to go climbing now. I'm so worried that he's become a shadow of himself by being with me.'

Why are you blaming yourself for this? Could he be depressed, stressed/exhausted by his job - it seems weird you're blaming yourself for this. And maybe that change is why you're looking at someone else? Have you raised with husband that you're worried about this?

I mean, at the end of the day maybe others are right and it's run its course but if you want to ease your conscience maybe at least look into that with him and check there's not something there that could be dealt with and got over.

3luckystars · 09/11/2024 15:18

Glennon Doyle has a good book called ‘untamed’ read that it will help you.

The only thing worse than spending 10 years living a lie, is spending 20 years living a lie.

You are not a monster so don’t act like one. Stay away from this other guy as if your life depends on it.
Get counselling alone and just figure out what to do.

STAY AWAY FROM THE FIRE.

Good luck.

MsCactus · 09/11/2024 15:19

Love isn't actually about the heart flipping, want to rip your clothes off stuff... That's lust.

Love is about being committed to someone even when it's hard, getting on together everyday and building a life together, being a family.

It sounds like you love your family and husband but have had your head turned by lust.

That's fine if you want to split up your family for it - it's your choice. But be honest with yourself about it

SmileEachDay · 09/11/2024 15:20

The OP hasn’t had an affair.

She is questioning her marriage.

There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m not sure why she’s being vilified.

twomanyfrogsinabox · 09/11/2024 15:23

You are so lucky and you don't realise it. Giving it all up for some bloke who will probably treat you like crap is absolutely idiotic, the gloss will very soon wear off and you will kick yourself. Will he love your children like your DH does? Why would you inflict your infatuation on them and ruin their happy stable home.

Mekumeku · 09/11/2024 15:23

It's quite common for women to experience this when they have been with the same man for a while. You are not alone. What you are experiencing for this other man is just lust, that's all. You don't have to let it control you or think it's love. Real love is not found between the sheets, which fades for most couples even if they initially start out madly in lust. You have a beautiful life and family, and even if your brain and body are playing nasty tricks on you at the moment, you must remember that what you have is priceless, and once given away, can never be gotten back. Yes, you can remarry, but your children will bear the scars of divorce and will never see you the same way. Trust me on this. It sounds like you are trying to make it easier to leave your husband by saying that you have made him unhappy, which I doubt is true.
You should take some time to think about your feelings and make sure to be critical. I would recommend reading this book, which was written by a woman who went through what you are going through. I don't agree with her recommendations but the research is good and should help you to understand your situation better, so that you can make a more informed decision.

'Women's Infidelity: Living in Limbo' by Michelle Langley

Best wishes :)

Incrediblehulker · 09/11/2024 15:24

NewGreenDuck · 09/11/2024 14:29

So, you have found someone else? I think really that's what has happened. He's probably more exciting or something.
If this was a man writing all of this what would you think?

Absolutely this.

Imbusytodaysorry · 09/11/2024 15:24

@Nixiha why can’t your dh have a hobby now he is with you ?

why can’t he still go in a room and Light it up ?
Does he know how you feel or your lack of feelings ? Has that stolen his spark ?

3luckystars · 09/11/2024 15:25

You don’t have to stay with someone you don’t love.

The responses are angry because you fancy someone else but there might be a reason for that. Don’t do anything rash, and of course do not hurt your husband but people look elsewhere when there is something lacking in the relationship. pretending to love your husband when you don’t is not the answer.

You haven’t actually don’t anything have you? Please please don’t do anything g that will hurt your husband and definitely get counselling for yourself.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 09/11/2024 15:25

OP, if you are absolutely, heartbreakingly honest with yourself - are you rewriting history a little here? Trying to cast your husband as 'he was only ever a friend' because you want to believe it?

Life is tough with young kids. It's boring and quotidian and your DH is no longer the envy of all your friends. But trust me, you take yourself wherever you go. New man won't be the go-getting dynamic hero you are seeing right now when he has to deal with step children and you're arguing over who emptied the dishwasher last.

Leave if you are really unhappy, of course. But don't kid yourself that life will go back to being all exciting and fabulous forever. New man will have feet of clay too.

Inertia · 09/11/2024 15:26

Sounds like a massive pile of excuses to justify having an affair.

I would always say leave when the relationship is abusive or unsalvageable. This just sounds like you have some kind of fairy story notion of what marriage should be like. You are preparing to rip apart a loving family for the sake of a man you fancy who might not even have noticed you exist.

Even if you need leave for the new man, there’s every chance you’ll get bored of him in a short while.

Your family deserve you at least trying to make your marriage work out. If you genuinely don’t love your husband , then arrange an amicable separation completely separately from the fancy man.