Wanting to leave my perfect husband

[Nixiha]

Am I a complete monster?

I (31) have been with husband (32) for 12 years and we have been married for 7 years.
We have two great kids aged 4 and 1 and we also have two dogs, one we've raised from a puppy and one that we rescued.

My husband is such an amazing person, he's a fantastic husband who fully supports me, he absolutely adores me, wants to have sex all the time, is a great dad, tells me me loves me every day, tells me that I'm beautiful, makes me laugh and works so hard to support our family.

My heart wants to leave though. It's been clear to me for years that I love him dearly, but as a friend. I knew this when I married him. I felt nauseous the night before, a knot in my stomach and clammy hands on the day and I could barely look him in the eye during the ceremony because he was looking at me with such love and devotion in his eyes. I squashed all of this away because we work so effortlessly together as a team, I knew he'd be a wonderful father, I loved his family and he's still my best friend and I never want to hurt him.

Now married for 7 years with our great kids, life should be a dream but my heart is slowly breaking into pieces. It's dawning on me that no matter how blissfully happy he seems with me, I've sucked the soul out of my husband over the years. The young man I met had big passions, he loved rock climbing, hill walking, abseiling, skiing, kayaking, playing rugby and loads more. He would walk into a pub and immediately befriend every stranger, he was so sociable and friendly.
These days he does nothing. He gave up everything one by one and now he has no passions or hobbies or friends that he sees often. He works in forestry which he loves, but it's such a physical job he is so tired at the weekends he probably wouldn't have the energy to go climbing now. I'm so worried that he's become a shadow of himself by being with me.

In the meantime, I've recently started developing feelings for someone else and the guilt has hit me hard. I can't sleep, I'm binge eating even though food is making me nauseous and I'm crying constantly. The flip my heart does when I see the other guy is how I should have felt on my wedding day. I have never flirted and would never do anything to betray my husband but it's getting to the point where imagining the other man with someone else is devastating to me, but imagining my husband with someone else doesn't make me sad. I just want to see him get the love and happiness that he deserves.

I'm so scared, my head is screaming at me not to hurt him and not to rip our family apart, financially ruining myself in doing so but my heart and conscience are pulling me towards it.

What is wrong with me? Why do I have the most loving and devoted husband in the world yet want to leave him?

I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but the best thing that could possibly happen here is if he was already planning to leave you.
You’ve effectively strung your dh along for 10 years, possibly taking the best years of his life when he could have been with someone who deserved him.
To be frank, this is absolutely terrible.

I agree with the comment above about it being patronising to assume the husband would prefer not to know.

Wouldn't you want to know?!!!

You can't go back in time but you can treat your partner with decency going forwards. And to me it seems obvious that the most decent thing to do would be to be truly honest.

He's too good for you.

I was going to say exactly the same thing!

I find it difficult to get on with my MIL but when she's spoken to me about how FIL left her and did the whole 'I never loved you! You don't know what love is' I just think OMG the script is real!!!

Don't be one of those OP!!!!

When the kids get a bit bigger/ you get more support you will probably be able to reconnect!

Couldn’t agree more. This honestly was one of the saddest and most selfish posts I have ever read.

Kids are hard. Real life is hard. Guess what, life what the other guy will still
mean tough life, tiredness and feeling in a complete rut. You aren’t madly in fall down passionate love for the entirety of a long relationship. You love each other differently and more maturely as life goes on.

You are imagining a better life because real life is hard and isn’t a fairytale.

You say you weren’t in love with your husband when you married him BUT you have been with him for seven years, married him and had TWO children.

You will convince yourself you are right to leave and I can almost guarantee I think you will regret it.

If it’s genuinely about her feelings towards her DH and nothing to do with the new man, do you not think OP should have thought this through long before dragging innocent children into the mix ?

You've made him a placeholder the day you married him which is unfair but you were young. Now you need to let him be loved unconditional and passionately hopefully if the damage isn't too great, that could maybe even be with you cause it seems like it is chemistry that is missing which you can try spark up exploring together. I hope you get what you're looking for out of this too, most times the grass isn't greener. Bew things sounds like LUST which bring toxicity and doesn't last

What would you say is a great example to her children?
Meeting a new and exciting guy and divorcing their dad?
When did you meet Uncle Dave mum?
Uhmm well I met him at work when I was still with your father..
I don't get what great example she'll be setting?
Teaching them that there's always second chances, that they should follow their dreams, that mediocrity is not worth it, that if a marriage doesn't work, leave it, that there is something bigger and better out there they should keep looking?
And all of this is better than teaching them that the promises I made to your father wasn't always easy to keep, but it meant something to me. That commitment is important and being flakey is not a good characteristic. That love means sacrifice, that you don't give up easily, that life and raising children isn't always easy, but worth it? That the grass is greener where you water it? That loyalty matters, that your father and I were in the trenches together and we didn't quit, because something more exciting came along? That chasing dopamine highs does not lead to long term happiness.

Hahahaha! I agree!

Absolutely. It’s a tragic situation all round.

I don’t think the solution is for the OP to continue forcing herself to be with a man she’s never loved, for the sake of the children. Her DH also deserves to know how she really feels, as hard as that may be.

That's so interesting. As I read that I realised I agree, pre children feel free to leave, post children feels very different

You say in the meantime I have developed feelings for someone else? How long have you been feeling like this about your husband and how long after you developed feelings for this other guy? Its a tough situation i do think the honeymoon and exciting phase of any relationship burns out and it does become more of a co-partnership with love but and almost like a friendship but its the level of mutual respect for each other and working together that rly makes it. If your not happy of course you shouldn't stay and live the rest of your life thinking what if? As others have said I would talk to your husband first maybe do suggest counselling that fire might reignite. If it doesn't then I believe you know what you want to do and that takes courage. Your both young plenty of life left just don't go on like this forever wishing you where elsewhere

Ah the old tale of the grass being greener! You want the days of the fun dating and all it entails. But if you marrries the new guy and had kids your life would be a mirror image of now- normal humdrum life. Only with kids being ferried between and the person you describe as your best friend broken by your betrayal. What an utterly stupid decision that would be, all for the thrill of a youthful encounter again.

Set him and yourself free. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for years and years of this feeling and that's not healthy for you or fair on him or your children.

I was in virtually the exact same situation and I left. Now 2 years later I’m single, broke, sleeping on the sofa bed in a tiny but extortionate flat, only have my kids half the time, and lost virtually all of our mutual friends. The guy I got butterflies with got another lady pregnant, and shortly afterwards I fell into an emotionally abusive relationship that took me ages to extricate myself from. I would encourage you to distance yourself from the man you’re thinking about and try whatever you can to get your marriage back on track 🌷

Oh god Spring you are human and you made a mistake but I hope life works out for you

The example would be to be honest, and to treat people with respect. That yes, sometimes you will take the wrong route but that they will always be loved and part of a family (even if it looks different).

At the moment there is an awful lot going on that the husband doesn't know about. That isn't treating him with respect. That isn't a successful marriage and I think children can tell the difference sooner or later.

I want to be very clear too - that I think this terribly sad. My general view is that ending marriages should be the very last resort, after lots of counselling and discussion and thought. But that is on the assumption that there was love in the first place. The idea being that you can always try to get back to each other.

There is a possibility that the two could decide to stay together after thought and counselling etc but I still think the respectful thing to do would be allow the DH to make that decision knowing full facts.

So I hope it is clear that I don't disagree with you on all points - in fact I agree strongly with much of what you have said. But the way the OP describes how she felt about her DH even before they are married distinguishes this case from other marriages that have just got stale etc

I felt sorry for you until you mentioned you're lusting after someone else. That's disloyal. Your poor children having to deal with this shit show.

Seven year itch. Young kids. That's the problem. You said you DO love your husband and you're a good team. That's a good base to build on. If your head hadn't been turned by someone else, you probably wouldn't be thinking about leaving. Don't do this to a good man, or your kids. I guarantee you will regret it. Who's to say the other man is even interested. Marriage is hard sometimes and takes work. Get counselling if you need it. Work on making a spark with your husband if that's what is missing but at least give it everything you've got before leaving. And if you do decide to go, don't leave for someone else, do it for you.

Love and lust aren't the same thing. Butterflies when you look at someone isn't love.

You shouldn't have mislead your husband, but is it a fair reflection or is it that live is so "easy" you crave excitement and met someone to fulfil that fantasy. And also like you're looking to be told you're terrible. I mean this isn't great but I do think you're teetering towards making it worse

You might have feelings for this other guy but if you got with him, and he didn't live up to your fantasy would you get over it.

You say a lot of positive things about your husband maybe I'd consider cutting all contact with your crush and get some marriage counselling.

That's disloyal

Is it? She hasn’t acted on these thoughts or feelings. How is it disloyal?

Female version of The Script
Give your head a wobble

I agree with this. I think it’s really important to teach children the values of authenticity and honesty. The marriage seems to be built on the false pretence that the OP reciprocates her DH’s feelings. This is not a healthy situation, or one you would want your children to emulate! The DH deserves the truth as he his own autonomy as well, rather than PPs suggesting it would be best for him to be kept in the dark. PP’s keep suggesting the relationship has gone stale, the early years raising children are tough, get the passion back… but if it was never there in the first place that’s not really possible! Children can and do cope with parental separation and divorce, and can go on to thrive. Some strange 1950s attitudes on this thread.

Interesting to hear this script from a woman, usually it seems to be men