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Original poster

Wanting to leave my perfect husband

359 replies

Nixiha · 09/11/2024 14:03

Am I a complete monster?

I (31) have been with husband (32) for 12 years and we have been married for 7 years.
We have two great kids aged 4 and 1 and we also have two dogs, one we've raised from a puppy and one that we rescued.

My husband is such an amazing person, he's a fantastic husband who fully supports me, he absolutely adores me, wants to have sex all the time, is a great dad, tells me me loves me every day, tells me that I'm beautiful, makes me laugh and works so hard to support our family.

My heart wants to leave though. It's been clear to me for years that I love him dearly, but as a friend. I knew this when I married him. I felt nauseous the night before, a knot in my stomach and clammy hands on the day and I could barely look him in the eye during the ceremony because he was looking at me with such love and devotion in his eyes. I squashed all of this away because we work so effortlessly together as a team, I knew he'd be a wonderful father, I loved his family and he's still my best friend and I never want to hurt him.

Now married for 7 years with our great kids, life should be a dream but my heart is slowly breaking into pieces. It's dawning on me that no matter how blissfully happy he seems with me, I've sucked the soul out of my husband over the years. The young man I met had big passions, he loved rock climbing, hill walking, abseiling, skiing, kayaking, playing rugby and loads more. He would walk into a pub and immediately befriend every stranger, he was so sociable and friendly.
These days he does nothing. He gave up everything one by one and now he has no passions or hobbies or friends that he sees often. He works in forestry which he loves, but it's such a physical job he is so tired at the weekends he probably wouldn't have the energy to go climbing now. I'm so worried that he's become a shadow of himself by being with me.

In the meantime, I've recently started developing feelings for someone else and the guilt has hit me hard. I can't sleep, I'm binge eating even though food is making me nauseous and I'm crying constantly. The flip my heart does when I see the other guy is how I should have felt on my wedding day. I have never flirted and would never do anything to betray my husband but it's getting to the point where imagining the other man with someone else is devastating to me, but imagining my husband with someone else doesn't make me sad. I just want to see him get the love and happiness that he deserves.

I'm so scared, my head is screaming at me not to hurt him and not to rip our family apart, financially ruining myself in doing so but my heart and conscience are pulling me towards it.

What is wrong with me? Why do I have the most loving and devoted husband in the world yet want to leave him?

OP posts:
GivingitToGod · 09/11/2024 20:30

PullTheBricksDown · 09/11/2024 14:06

In the meantime, I've recently started developing feelings for someone else

Key bit is buried in the rest of your post, which then reads like a justification for what you want to do. I don't think you're a monster but I do think you're being a fucking idiot. At least put some effort in and try counselling before giving up on your marriage.

This. Friendship is a very good basis for a marriage and you have 2 children so must have had sexual relations. Your description of developing feelings for someone else? Good luck with that; fresh sex and more problems! Once the fairy dust has settled, you are likely to be full of regrets.
If you are definite that you don't want a future with your husband, then it is fairer to end it sooner rather than later. Alot of people will have their world imploded.
Good luck

BetterInColour · 09/11/2024 20:30

You got together at 19 years old and so didn't have many other relationships or sexual experiences prior to that. I'm so glad I married in my early thirties and did have those, I think it was enjoyable for its own sake as well as helped me see the value in my own relationship/marriage when that happened. You missed out and you are only human, you noticed someone else is attractive but haven't done anything so far or even flirted, so I'm not sure why the mumsnet morality police is up your arse on this one, tbh.

The narrative you are telling yourself though, about how he's not the man of 19 is a load of old rubbish. Of course he's not bouldering every weekend or rock climbing, no 32 year old with a 1 and 4 year old and two dogs is doing that? Are you out clubbing every weekend? Of course not.

Stop the fake narrative, remind yourself that thoughts are not illegal and neither are crushes, and go into therapy or counselling by yourself as a place to put down your thoughts and feelings about having settled down so early with one person. You can then work through whether the relationship has run its course in terms of passion and sex by 31, and if that's the case you can either put that on the back burner for the rest of your life (I wouldn't) or you can divorce in the best way possible, whilst the children are still young. This other fantasy man is irrelevant, it's reminded you you are a young woman who still fancies other men, which is normal IMO.

GivingitToGod · 09/11/2024 20:32

Ohhbaby · 09/11/2024 17:59

You will tear your family apart. Children never come out of a divorce unscathed.
Never.
I heard quite a good explanation about divorce from the kids perspective.
'A child is the physical embodiment of their parents union. When their parents split it's inevitable that their is a split within themselves.'

Obv I am asking why you didn't think of this sooner. It's no use crying over spilled milk now, I know but geez. You chose to marry a guy you had lukewarm feelings for. You chose to give your children a father you didn't feel passionate about. It seems off to think of his wellbeing now? 'he deserves to be with someone who adores him and all that'
He deserved that, but you chose to marry him anyway.
You make it sound like your doing it for him, but you're not.
You're doubling the pain. You're leaving him so that he can only see his children 50% of the time. (If so much).
(Not to mention that your children will have to get used to not seeing daddy half the time, having two houses, two rooms, two birthday celebrations etc)
Leaving him and presumably telling him how you've felt for the past how ever many years.
Leaving him trying to piece together the past 12 years that he never knew was a sham.
'when did it start? She really never loved me? What about our lovely honeymoon, that beach holiday we took? O remember that time by the lake or the weekend in the Cotswolds we couldn't keep our hands off each other? Was all of it really a sham?'
It takes the floor our from under you.

Please please don't for one moment placate yourself by thinking 'im doing this for him'.
You aren't, that just justification for your behaviour. Trying to make yourself feel better. You're doing it for yourself.

Also, stolen fruit is always sweeter. So much easier to have that fuzzy feeling for someone where you only see the good side.
You're not paying bills together. You're not beside the bed of a sick child together. You're not sleep deprived getting up for work after a hard night with the baby together. Not fighting over who forgot to order the milk with the groceries or how it's the umpteenth time you have to pick up his pants from the bathroom floor or whatever. You're not stressed and exhausted from everyday life.
It's just the nice part. It's just excitement and novelty and fun.
Just as a fyi, second marriages have even less of a statistical chance to work than a first one.
That all to say, I'd be cautious that I'm not just a bit infatuated with the 'new guy' and looking at my marriage with the new guy's excitement in the back of my mind.

But if you're adamant he isn't clouding your judgement (which I doubt, it's just human nature to compare) and you really really don't love your husband, so be it.
To me it feels like you have already checked out and are just seeking to justify this leave. So if you really want to leave, I guess no one can stop you.
But please don't try to kid yourself that you're doing it for your husband happiness.

SPOT ON

SlightlyJaded · 09/11/2024 20:36

You've had your head turned.

You want to have sex with someone else

Everything else is just smoke and mirrors.

You have three choices:

  1. Most people in a decent marriage would acknowledge crush, allow themselves a moment of what if, then do the right thing. That is, distance themselves from crush until feelings have passed (which they will) and simultaneously make extra effort to find the joy in their marraige.
  2. Have sex with crush. Betray your DH. Potentially cause pain all round for a fuck
  3. Leave DH. Fuck bloke. Fuck him a few more times. Wake up. Realise what you've thrown away. Beg to go back. End up in a worse marriage because the trust is gone.

That's it. That's your options.

BunnyLake · 09/11/2024 20:38

Your husband deserves better so you should probably leave and hopefully he will find someone who deserves him. You can then enjoy your crush in whatever capacity that is, guilt free.

Sheri99 · 09/11/2024 20:43

Plastictrees · 09/11/2024 14:44

The OP does not have romantic feelings for her DH and knew this on her wedding day! The poor bloke is essentially married to her under false pretences, unless he knew then how she felt which I doubt.

I feel like I’m in a parallel universe reading some of these responses. Hypothetically, would you want your son to stay with his wife who didn’t love him and who fancied other men? Surely we should aspire to reciprocity! How sad.

I would want to woman that married my son (I have two grown DSs and two grown DDs) to step up to the plate and act like a grown woman! If he were the type who abused her and the kids, stayed out all night bar hopping, had an addiction to porn and hookers, burned through money, was an alcoholic: those are reasons to leave a man or a woman.

OP was young, but maturity is gained through experience: a good and faithful, hard working man is very hard to come by.

She also has stated her DH just isn't happy and it is because of her. She is rationalizing why leaving would be better and she doesn't even know if DH is NOT happy. If he were, he certainly wouldn't do all the ACTIONs of a loving husband and excellent father.

To build her integrity she needs to act with honor, not with hormones and feelings. Integrity seems to be a lost word these days.

crowgift · 09/11/2024 20:45

so you believe that if you leave your husband he'll take up climbing again? 🤔

Sheri99 · 09/11/2024 20:51

This is a problem with slack divorce laws in the US.

Disposable marriage.
To make it worse nearly all states are "No Fault" and they do this co-parenting BS. If two people could not get along well enough to decide day to day things as friends, it is doubtful they will agree on co-parenting. That takes radical maturity and compromise.

The lack of understanding of commitment in marriage as well as deciding to bring babies into this hard world is sad.

padampada · 09/11/2024 20:52

You won't understand what you've thrown away until it's gone.

Of course he's changed. We all grow older. He has kids which change life forever. Very few men have exactly the same hobbies they had in their early twenties. If you think he would benefit from making more social connections and making time for hobbies then talk to him!

Sheri99 · 09/11/2024 20:53

crowgift · 09/11/2024 20:45

so you believe that if you leave your husband he'll take up climbing again? 🤔

😂That isn't the only thing he will take up again, either.

Sheri99 · 09/11/2024 20:53

SlightlyJaded · 09/11/2024 20:36

You've had your head turned.

You want to have sex with someone else

Everything else is just smoke and mirrors.

You have three choices:

  1. Most people in a decent marriage would acknowledge crush, allow themselves a moment of what if, then do the right thing. That is, distance themselves from crush until feelings have passed (which they will) and simultaneously make extra effort to find the joy in their marraige.
  2. Have sex with crush. Betray your DH. Potentially cause pain all round for a fuck
  3. Leave DH. Fuck bloke. Fuck him a few more times. Wake up. Realise what you've thrown away. Beg to go back. End up in a worse marriage because the trust is gone.

That's it. That's your options.

Exactly! Excellent!

Sheri99 · 09/11/2024 20:54

bloomingbonkerz · 09/11/2024 19:32

Leave life is far to short to be miserable and yes people will say your a fool but it’s your life and you have the right to live it as you want ask yourself this in 100 years no one will remember you we are here for a speck of time.

Oh - so wrong. OPs kids will remember her.

BetterInColour · 09/11/2024 20:58

I must be the only person on here then who thinks parents divorcing isn't the end of the world, then. My parents are much happier apart after they divorced and both have gone on to better suited and happy relationships for at least twenty years. I would have hated my mum to suck up sleeping with my dad and playing happy families if she didn't essentially love him any more. The children are young, it's not ideal, but the idea you pick someone at 19 and then just have to stick it out, what, til you are 99, even though you don't really fancy them any more. It sounds awful, I'd rather do the 'worst thing ever' which it rarely is anyway and just get divorced when the kids are relatively young.

BetterInColour · 09/11/2024 20:59

I also think if life is one long sacrifice you are doing it wrong. If you wouldn't want your own daughter making that sacrifice, and I wouldn't, I wouldn't accept it for myself.

DreamTheMoors · 09/11/2024 21:00

What a lot of horse shite for wanting to cheat.
Christ almighty just leave.

You aren’t special, no matter how many paragraphs you write describing how much your husband idolizes you and how fabulous your life is.

Sheri99 · 09/11/2024 21:00

3luckystars · 09/11/2024 19:41

But she hasn’t done anything yet?

She is realising that her marriage is over because she has feelings for someone else. She hasn’t actually done anything as far as I can see, nor is she planning to.

It’s like people are angry at her for ‘allowing herself to develop feelings for someone else’ I doubt she is enjoying feeling like this. The man might not even be aware, it could be an innocent postman she is talking about.

She probably doesn’t remember ever feeling this way towards her husband but she must have if she married him. I don’t know how anyone could marry, have children and stay in a relationship with someone they have no feelings for.

I can’t believe that to be true.

She has convinced herself she has no feelings for DH like she has with this other bloke! Her hormones are convincing her. A person can do anything they WANT to do - even increase the feelings for a spouse they married under lukewarm pretenses! She needs to RESPECT her DH, as he appears to be a good man, she said so herself. She is in some sort of crisis - MANY or any woman on here who has been married more than 7-8 years have been through exactly what she is feeling and how she is rationalizing leaving a good marriage.

WillowTree33 · 09/11/2024 21:08

BetterInColour · 09/11/2024 20:30

You got together at 19 years old and so didn't have many other relationships or sexual experiences prior to that. I'm so glad I married in my early thirties and did have those, I think it was enjoyable for its own sake as well as helped me see the value in my own relationship/marriage when that happened. You missed out and you are only human, you noticed someone else is attractive but haven't done anything so far or even flirted, so I'm not sure why the mumsnet morality police is up your arse on this one, tbh.

The narrative you are telling yourself though, about how he's not the man of 19 is a load of old rubbish. Of course he's not bouldering every weekend or rock climbing, no 32 year old with a 1 and 4 year old and two dogs is doing that? Are you out clubbing every weekend? Of course not.

Stop the fake narrative, remind yourself that thoughts are not illegal and neither are crushes, and go into therapy or counselling by yourself as a place to put down your thoughts and feelings about having settled down so early with one person. You can then work through whether the relationship has run its course in terms of passion and sex by 31, and if that's the case you can either put that on the back burner for the rest of your life (I wouldn't) or you can divorce in the best way possible, whilst the children are still young. This other fantasy man is irrelevant, it's reminded you you are a young woman who still fancies other men, which is normal IMO.

All of this, 100%.

In particular, forget the other guy because of course he’s going to look good in your head, he’s the fantasy and your husband is the reality. Get some individual therapy and work through whether you really don’t love and have never loved your husband or if you’re in a tricky life stage and suffering from grass is greener syndrome.

You are only human, and this is a hard situation with kids involved, so get professional help to work it out. Don’t rely on fantasy thinking or opinions of strangers on the internet.

Sheri99 · 09/11/2024 21:16

JaneFondue · 09/11/2024 17:02

You buried the lede. You have fallen for someone else. I think you need to let him go.

Honestly? I quite regularly run in to a man here that I think would make an exciting, fun new partner, who makes by lower half do a 😳and I also still get hit on by men over 45 and I will be 70 next year. It isn't that I don't love my DH, it is that there are attractive (physically and professionally) men everywhere! I am VERY attracted to intelligent men, too, not just a hot body, or someone who flatters me with a flirt and come on.

Life is long and if chased after every man who turns my head and mind, or who comes on to me, I'd be getting divorced about every six months!!

Ladies: when you get over 65 men do not STOP hitting on you! I was pleasantly surprised, but then again: you know men!

Nanny0gg · 09/11/2024 22:03

ChocoChocoLatte · 09/11/2024 18:38

Do him a favour and leave - he deserves better.

Maybe he wouldn't agree

TheBluntCrab · 09/11/2024 22:12

Don't do it.
Your head has been turned and now you are questioning everything. I've recently been in the exact same situation except my DP has many many faults. I never contemplated that I don't love him or that unwanted to leave UNTIL I developed feelings for a friend and it messed head up royally. I tried to endy relationship because of I and instantly regretted it. Don't do it. Whoever this other person is. Cut them off. Like yesterday. Work on your relationship without any other outside influences.

3luckystars · 09/11/2024 22:28

That’s good advice.

bloomingbonkerz · 09/11/2024 22:41

Her children will be 101 and 107 I doubt they’ll be here and you can’t live your life through your children.

Plastictrees · 09/11/2024 22:50

Sheri99 · 09/11/2024 20:43

I would want to woman that married my son (I have two grown DSs and two grown DDs) to step up to the plate and act like a grown woman! If he were the type who abused her and the kids, stayed out all night bar hopping, had an addiction to porn and hookers, burned through money, was an alcoholic: those are reasons to leave a man or a woman.

OP was young, but maturity is gained through experience: a good and faithful, hard working man is very hard to come by.

She also has stated her DH just isn't happy and it is because of her. She is rationalizing why leaving would be better and she doesn't even know if DH is NOT happy. If he were, he certainly wouldn't do all the ACTIONs of a loving husband and excellent father.

To build her integrity she needs to act with honor, not with hormones and feelings. Integrity seems to be a lost word these days.

Show quote history

You’ve missed my point. Would you want your hypothetical son to have a wife who does not love him, has felt an attraction to another man, who felt nauseated on her wedding day and could not look him in the eye due to her lack of feelings? Would you want him to settle for that?

The DH deserves to know the truth otherwise he is living a complete lie. There is no integrity to that. It is best to walk away than to continue this sham. Not to stay to keep up appearances ‘for the sake of the children’!

GiveusatwirlAnthea · 09/11/2024 23:59

Plastictrees · 09/11/2024 20:00

You are naive if you think people don’t settle and marry and have children with someone they don’t love - for a multitude of reasons. You are trying to force a narrative on the OP that fits ‘The Script’, is it that hard to accept that sometimes a person just doesn’t love the person they are with? To consider their spouse more as a friend? This is so commonplace, sadly. There are threads on this very topic on here frequently.

Show quote history

I think you are the naive one, you are a fairly lone voice on this thread, most can see the OP for what it is, re writing history so she can boff Mr Lover Lover.

kkloo · 10/11/2024 03:51

Plastictrees · 09/11/2024 14:44

The OP does not have romantic feelings for her DH and knew this on her wedding day! The poor bloke is essentially married to her under false pretences, unless he knew then how she felt which I doubt.

I feel like I’m in a parallel universe reading some of these responses. Hypothetically, would you want your son to stay with his wife who didn’t love him and who fancied other men? Surely we should aspire to reciprocity! How sad.

I'd say he possibly did know. Lots of people are ok with their partner not being in love with them as long as they get to have them. It's possibly why he's so obsessed with her, he knows she doesn't feel the same.