DH saying he's leaving in the New Year

[Dimebag10M]

Just that really. Not sure how I feel. Kids are older teens, almost don't have the fight left in me. I have serious MH and physical illnesses which I'm probably sure has taken a toll on everything, but his behaviour over the years is making me wish he'd change - it'll never happen. Don't ask me if I'm happy because I don't know what that is. Maybe it is for the best but I'm petrified of change, and we've been together 21 years! Just scared, worried and confused.

Oh bless you, xGood luck, you will be ok if you don't let him keep doing this to you. You never know he may be part of the cause of your poor mental health and it may start to improve if he leaves.

Forgive me if you have already explained this but does he work and what reason has he given for leaving after Christmas and not now. Has he said where he is going to live?

He could be staying until after Christmas for the kids, so as not to spoil their Christmas or because he needs you to bear the financial brunt of Christmas so he has money to leave. Or he could be making the threat as he is unhappy and just doesn't know how to fix it.

Do you love him? It sounds to me as if there are lots of challenges within your family that would impact you and your husbands mental health. Sometimes we throw out threats because we can't cope and want/need support but that doesn't help when the person on the receiving end of the threat is in the same place.

Do you think that it might help if you do separate to get some space and have time to think? You say he has done this before, threatened to leave but not actually gone? Could this be a cry for help as he is unhappy too but just doesn't know what to do?

I think you need to sit down and be honest with each other. Sometimes you need time apart to decide what your feelings are, its not necessarily the end of the relationship, but a reset.

Its a very difficult time for you and I am sending you big hugs no matter what the outcome.

My ex did this too. Tell me in Nov that he was leaving in the new year. I found it OK to be honest.
I went round the house/loft/garage putting all the (crap) stuff I didn't want in boxes. The books that never got read, the China crap from his mum, we had 13 years of stuff to "divvy up" (just put the lot in boxes for him, labelled all the crappy dark wood furniture - and our bed- as his).
Next bit is more controversial, but I made him take the dog. A responsibility that I had had foisted on me. I made it clear from the day he said he was going that he would have to, and that that was it. No cosy chats, no meals together, no laundry etc. Everything went smoothly for me.
He had to rethink some plans - mainly because of the dog.
Get legal advice. Speak to the bank if you have any finances to decouple etc.

Of course he is. It's not just a bit, it's a lot of gas lighting, but he's been doing it for years, and he's just controlled you. You know that, because it's why you needed medication. He's gaslit you into thinking it's your problem.
Go speak to a solicitor today, ask them to start divorce proceedings. You'll be better off without.

@maverickfox on what legal basis can she insist he leaves?

OP - as always, be careful of taking legal advice from strangers online. They mean well, but unless he's abusive you can't just "kick him out" as people keep encouraging you to do

For the sake of your MH, don’t let him keep doing this to you. Your mh would probably improve without him in your life. You’re worth more than this, kick him out.

I would ask him to leave now. He’s hoping you will change to cater for his needs when it’s him that needs to change, he’s not changed so far so kick him out.

I am a single parent of 2 autistic teen/adults, one that needs constant supervision. I can’t say it’s been easy but not having a extra child (DH) to deal with has made it much less stressful, my dc are more relaxed, I have a routine that fits in with all of us (no one else to mess it up). The only down side is that I am my DD’s carer and it’s hard to have a social life, though I have made new friends that accept my DC’s and are happy to come to my house rather than me going out. I don’t regret kicking my dh out. The first few months were hard but worth it.

My dh was super shocked when I asked him to leave, even though he had threatened to go many times.

Remind him. And say “why wait until the new year? Off you go now, you useless, underachieving, abusive waste of space.”

Everything is in your name. He can just go. And he should. He’s done enough abusive pretending to leave in order to hurt you. I daresay your MH will improve somewhat with his departure.

I wonder why all this sort of stuff comes to a head over Christmas and New Year.

The New Year is just a line in the sand. The 1st , the 3rd, the 29th....they are all just winter days.
Sit it out.
Protect your wellbeing.Business as usual and then review the situation.

He won’t be going anywhere. It’s all talk!

This is exactly what I was going to say. Why should he hold all the cards?

Fgs not everything is an affair. If OP as she says in on medication that means she can’t really feel highs or lows any more can’t you see it would be quite difficult to maintain a relationship?

I think it’s really really telling that along with her disabilities she’s still the breadwinner, as well as that she says the kids are autistic and like younger kids not the teens they are- that in itself is clearly quite a parenting load, even if you weren’t the disabled breadwinner, but he was just ‘he’s leaving’ no sense of the kids needing him or that they can’t manage without him… that says a lot.

People saying he can go now are missing the point that it is his house too.

I haven't read it all but it strikes me that this "I will be leaving in 7 weeks" and then nothing is in fact emotionally abusive. BUt it sounds like OP has his measure in terms of what he says and what he does and the disconnect. OP in terms of yourself and none mgt of change - can you get some help thinking through pros and cons and the steps you need to take to make it all happen?

I find writing stuff and analysing it myself helps me but sometimes someone else objective helps. If you are the main earner and everything in your name, make sure he has work if you can and tidy your finances up so you are OK. Its unlikely but if he is as useless as he sounds then you could end up splitting things with him in a divorce. Although your financial situation isn't too clear, you could for e.g. have pensions and him not, so be prepared for that. That is a solicitor discussion as well as if the kids are over 18 you might have to prove disabilities etc to get continued child maintenance

It can't be easy going through this, but as others have said, I'd tell him to go down, no point in delaying it.

If he won't and intends to be around over xmas, make it clear you won't be doing all the usual xmas things at home, ie nice meals together, playing a game, walks etc etc - you'll be looking for yourself at a set time and he can sort himself out before or after.

Don't worry about family members, however, it comes across, they've only said things in the past because they care about you.

So has he changed his mind? Do you want to separate? Sorry haven’t RTFT but I think you both need to go to counselling and talk about this.

Come on OP show him you’re a strong woman. Who cares what he said, didn’t say! He said he was leaving, so tell him to do it now then. Take control. He thinks you are weak and is trying to make you feel bad. He’s not going to change, he thinks he’s in control and is manipulating you - but show him he can’t do this now and that you aren’t bothered. You know underneath he’s no good and u can do better. If you stay, nothing will change. Do better for yourself, you only live once

Tell him to fuck off now

I've never understood the crap often said in MN about "taking control". Only you know what you are dealing with.

You have MH and physical problems and a husband that checked out long ago and doesn't care what he says to you or the damage he causes.

You DO have the advantage of a council house and the bills in your name. Make him leave. Thinking of him leaving is scary because you want to keep thinking he'll change his mind as he always does. The unfortunate part is that he'll keep doing the same thing as a wash, rinse repeat because it works for him.

Don't think about yourself less for your health problems. You are the breadwinner holding all the financial cards in your favour. Made it work for you.,

And if you are still unsure where you stand, pay for a consult with a family solicitor. There is nothing better for your mental health than knowing where you stand and can do.

Tell him to go now! I bet he's just using it as a threat. If he really wanted to go, he would just do it.

Nailed it, and this is probably the case.

I would of told him pack his bags he can leave tomorrow what a twat like he is doing you some da our waiting till the new year ?

This. My mental health improved dramatically when I got shot of my ex. I’m betting you will feel a lot better too! House is in your name , so out he goes , now.

My depression lifted significantly when i finally told exDH to leave. Like yours he expected to linger until he was ready.