DH saying he's leaving in the New Year

[Dimebag10M]

Just that really. Not sure how I feel. Kids are older teens, almost don't have the fight left in me. I have serious MH and physical illnesses which I'm probably sure has taken a toll on everything, but his behaviour over the years is making me wish he'd change - it'll never happen. Don't ask me if I'm happy because I don't know what that is. Maybe it is for the best but I'm petrified of change, and we've been together 21 years! Just scared, worried and confused.

He sounds terrible

Ask him to leave now

Has he got autism too ? Were you unwell before you met him?
It sounds like he has contributed to your ill health! You might start improving when he goes. I’m so sorry you are dealing with this x

If he has history of saying he is leaving and then not going, why don’t you answer by calling home out on his repetitive lying

Why not ask if he has found somewhere to live when he leaves. i would asking he leaves now. Why prolong the agony

Start divorce proceedings to make sure he goes

Please note that whilst everything might be in your name. Anything that is owned by you or him or that is in joint names is part of the marital pot. This includes savings, investments, property and pensions etc
A judge will decide on the percentage you each get, 50/50 is the starting point
And will like to see each party with a roof over their heads and the means to pay it.

If both your dc are ND. The likelyhood of one or both parents being ND is extremely high

You mention you have issues with your mental health and I presume you are on antidepressants
Could you be ND instead of depressed. A lot of women who were on antidepressants end up being diagnosed with ADHD as the antidepressants don’t have the effect on them they should have because they aren’t actually depressed in the first place

Maybe he has somewhere to go, but can’t move in for whatever reason until after New Year. If OP is safe, why should he go? If it was a woman, she’d be told it’s only seven weeks, you just have to sit tight until then…

Ypu Mention that he has done similar before anf never goes.

Can you remember when and is there a pattern. I.e before Christmas, before your birthday etc

I would be asking him to definitely leave now instead of later

Take back control

Tge single parents I know are so much happier not having to think, shop or clean up after another human being who only brings them stress

They are the happiest people I know

I think whilst it is hard work being a single parent

It is even harder being with someone who mentally abuses you

I did similar when I left DH, it wasn't a threat though, me and DS would have had nowhere to live if we moved straight out (it was a married quarter so he was fine regardless). In this case though it sounds like he uses I'm leaving as a way to emotionally manipulate and let's be real; abuse you. I'd call his bluff and make plans to split in the new year, you deserve better.

Is it possible he is depressed or tired of the relationship and says he’s leaving because he gets to a point of feeling like he can’t take anymore? From experience it is not easy to live with someone who always has something going on. That’s not blaming anyone, life happens, but maybe you need a break from each other. Start making plans for living without him, maybe plan small ‘nice’ things to do or make when he’s gone. You will be fine OP, you’ve got this.

It sounds like emotional abuse to me op. I'd be asking him what his plan is to leave, then I'd ask him 'why wait'. Dragging it out like this is cruel. Maybe offer to pack his bags?

Tell him to get lost now. He doesn’t get to decide to ‘stay til the new year’.

Of course she can kick him out. Why should she live alongside someone who doesn’t want to be with her and has announced he is leaving? Yes, it might be more convenient for him but it isn’t convenient for her and she has health problems to manage. He has parents and he can go and live with them until his ‘arrangements’ kick in.

@Dimebag10M he sounds horrible . It’s definitely gaslighting and manipulation.
Tell the man to move out asap , tell
him you don’t want him anymore. .

Sounds like you will have his family for support. You may find your mental health improves without him around .

I think you should actively seek help from a therapist, because mental health issues need to be identified and treated. If you still have feelings for him and hope to work through the problems in your relationship, I wish you the best in resolving them. But if the issues can't be solved, I also hope you can live freely and happily on your own.

This is a very patronising post. How do you know she isn’t having treatment? Where has she said that? Where has she said she is seeking advice from this forum about her mental health?

I wouldn't be doing anything that benefits him now, No meals, washing, sex and no I need petrol for my car can you pick some up for me type situations.
Might be under the same roof but would keep a cool demeanour.
I've been in the same situation with kids and alkie husband who kept threatening to move out. House and everything was in my name. I did daily stuff with the kids, has my ususal music playing and made it very clear I wasn't interested at all. I grey rocked him as did the kids. I began divorce proceedings, only 13 month marriage.
One day he went out with 2 bin liners of stuff and that was that.

I think all these kick him out posters sound mental.

He's done nothing wrong, he's not violent or aggressive. He's being an adult and planning and allowing OP to plan.bif is a decades+ relationship with kids you need time to sort stuff out. Much better do it amicably together than just kicking someone out. I'm guessing there's a lifetimes worth of possensions/ furniture/ heirlooms to sort out. Finances to sort, he needs to find accommodation. They need to discuss with the children etc.

If he'd just announced he was leaving and walked out you'd all be slaughtering him.

Meant to add, family who didn't like him and telling you "we told you so" doesn't mean much anyway. You were together for 21 years, not a few months. Most marriages, if they are going to end in divorce, end before 8th anniversary.
I bet there have been a few like that in your family.
You can be free of this rubbish sitation and have a happier life for you and your adult kids

He’s just mentally torturing the op, sounds like he has for a while, and she needs to be free of this.

Even if they do say 'I told you so', so what? That's no reason to stay with this man. Show him the door, today.

As you are in housing association or council housing, why not ask for another in just you name or try a swap scheme and move out.

He will carry on the 'will he/won't he' shite for years of you let him.

Get legal advice and then take control yourself. Your MH will decline further with the sword of Damocles over your head.

I'm sure living with someone with serious MH issues and a physical disability has been easy for him.

Everyone's calling him names and I'm not sure there's much evidence to show they're necessary.

I would take back some of the control here and say (doesn't matter if your older teenage kids hear it) "Actually, just coming back to what you said about leaving me in the new year, well, that doesn't work for me so I need to you leave now. Right now. I will not be left dangling for 2 months of uncertainty so I need to know what is going to be happening. Leave now. I don't want to wait 2 months for you to go."

He'll either go straight away or be so shocked that you're saying this to him that he'll go quiet. Either way it's got to be a win (big or small) for you for the time being.

@Dimebag10M sit him down and tell him he needs to leave within next 2 weeks.

DO NOT let him spend Xmas with you.

STOP cooking and cleaning/doing his laundry.

He doesn't get to break your heart, destroy your family and leave but also get all the perks of being a family too until its convenient for him to go.

Stand up for yourself. Help him pack his bags and leave them by the door.

Do not accept this as love because it absolutely is not. It's not even like.

Print him off a council housing application form and leave it out for him.

Get him out as quick as you can. The rest of your life is just waiting for you and I bet you'll find things easier and less stressy once this knobgoblin is out of your house and you can really breathe again.

PiggyPigalle, what Xmas dinner, he either wouldn't be getting any or would be wearing it !!!