DH saying he's leaving in the New Year

[Dimebag10M]

Just that really. Not sure how I feel. Kids are older teens, almost don't have the fight left in me. I have serious MH and physical illnesses which I'm probably sure has taken a toll on everything, but his behaviour over the years is making me wish he'd change - it'll never happen. Don't ask me if I'm happy because I don't know what that is. Maybe it is for the best but I'm petrified of change, and we've been together 21 years! Just scared, worried and confused.

Great advice here, OP. Good luck! You've got this! X

Or he didn’t actually have any intention of leaving and he just wants you to toe the line and appease him. Take him at his word and instruct a divorce lawyer. Prick.

None of that matters, what he says doesn't matter. Don't bother to argue with him or defend yourself. You know the truth. All that matters is what YOU know. And one of the things you know is that you aren't happy and that it's his fault. And remember, any person can end any relationship for any reason, or no reason at all. You don't have to justify or explain anything to him. Remember JADE; never Justify, Argue/Apologize, Defend, or Explain.

"Tbh he has history of this, almost saying it to make things change for him, but not realising the damage he's causing by saying it, if you know what I mean?"

I know exactly what you mean. And you know exactly what he's doing and why. Another reason not to engage with him.

I know this is scary. And I know you wish it would all go away. But it won't. Have you tried to access any of your MH resources or tried to contact your family? I really think it might help to reinforce to you that you are right and give you the strength to make the decision that's right for you. You have the right to be happy.

Sounds like you might be better on your own.

What a bastard. He knows you're unwell and he's messing with your head. Take the advice here and start getting ready to split. When he's gone ( hopefully before Christmas) you can start to really look after yourself and not bother with him.

Oh do give it a rest!
OP has not mentioned anything about OW and has actually said very unlikely.
Why do some women come on here and just project any situation to OW?
OP has actually said she's not that bothered about him leaving and is actually thinking it may be a good idea.
The main concern should be telling the children in an appropriate way and working towards an amicable split, not muddying OPs waters with OW scenarios!
OP, get support from whatever team you are currently under and prioritise your children....you need to be strong for them not getting het up about someone you accept needs and wants to leave.
Splitting up is difficult but doesn't have to be absolutely terrible.
Talk about what you both want regarding access for the children and look forward to the New Year and a new start.
Use this time to start planning and getting used to the new situation of being a single parent,.money, benefits etc

You're the main breadwinner? Lol yeah he's not going anywhere.

He's a manipulative bs artist.

I'd be telling him to leave now.
I'd also bet your mental health will greatly improve relatively quickly if you get rid of him.

Unfortunately relationships do not always last forever.

Thank him for giving you notice, but put him on gardening leave.

Pack his things. Put outside the front door. Change the locks. No wonder your mental health has suffered with someone who likes to drag things out. Lots of hugs.

I’d be telling him to pack now and there’s the door, he should have kept it to himself till after Christmas if he planned to leave then! Cheeky so and so

Do that one last act of love and pack his stuff, put stuff outside, put him outside, shut and lock door. Live your life free of man, moaning, silent treatment and general man arsehole behaviour. Bliss!

Quite. Tell him to sod off now

Doesn’t take 6 weeks to pack a bag, if he wants to go, tell him now is good!

Is he expecting you to deliver Christmas? 🧐
Take control. He's using this as a control mechanism.

I'd be buckling down with plans right now - see the solicitor, get the financials in order.

Start talks about where he'll be going, what he expects to take with him, a moving out date etc.

Be the one to initiate divorce. Don't have it done to you.

I'd also suggest you start recording conversations with him.

Make plans to do things solo. Could you and the children maybe go away to family for Christmas? He'll need to practice being on his own and this seems as good a time as ever. Faking Happy Families with him will be teeth clenchingly hard.

And start redecorating (as in new bedlinen, cushions, towels etc) to your own taste.

No no fucking no.

"If you have decided to leave then go now. Dont drag it out, dont use my money and this home as a stop gap. Be the man you think you are and just go. You have 7 days"

Make Gary Gaslighter follow through. As you say, your medication means that you dont feel many extremes of emotion, so use that to your advantage.

As others have said, living with a man like that would fuck up anyones mental health. Have a random scroll throught this topic and see how many women who live with abusive men have MH issues. I did. And then when the cunt got removed, oddly enough my MH issues werent issues anymore.......

No one who loves you will say (or even think) "I told you so". They will say and think "thank fuck she is free of that prick". Any negativity will be aimed him, not you. I suspect even his family will be relieved you got rid.

I had bad mental health problems for years which I am sure frustrated my ex husband, and I am not sure if it will be the same for you, my mental health massively improved after we separated. I no longer was living in a situation where someone was treating me unkindly in my own home on a daily basis.

Took me about 2 years post separation to realise that was abuse.

Get him out, there will be a difficult transition period, but trust me, in the long run you will be better off.

I bet your mental health would improve without this difficult,gaslighting prick who's emotionally abusing you.

It sounds like you're carrying everything alone anyway;it might not seem like it but it's better to be alone and be able to breathe peacefully than to be with someone and suffocating.

Wishing you the best OP;you're much stronger than you think you are.

Call his bluff tell him to go now. I bet every part of your life will improve.

It's an empty threat to get you to behave. I'm guessing previously you got scared and tried to keep him. He is probably confused as to why you are not begging him to stay!

If the relationship isn't fulfilling you why don't you look at ending things for real.

He knows exactly how much it hurts you and fucks with your head when he says he is leaving.

That is why he does it.

Think about that.

Now take back control, tell him to fuck off, now. Not next week or next month or after Christmas. Now.

He does this so he can control you, fuck with you, he gets a kick out of it, he gets you to play 'pick me pick me' and fight for him to stay. Drop the ball, don't play the game any more.

You don't need him, for anything useful he does, he takes away by behaving like this (and I'll bet, many other shitty things besides).

You don't have to wait for him to decide to leave, you can decide to throw him out.

Tell him it’s November and a frosty atmosphere isn’t fair on your kids (or you but hearing the kids might make him think). Have you had problems for a while? Have ye talked? 21 years is so long and either way whether you split up or not you’re going to be parenting together so it’s better you’re not on The worst terms. I’m so sorry op x

Tell him if he’s going to cause an atmosphere best he packs up and leaves today. And if he is able to stay amicable while he’s here you’d still like a date please. Before new years would be amazing, but if you need longer how about gone by 7th jan? That’s about as long as I can push it out sorry, this has gone on too long and we both need a fresh start. What shall I tell your parents? That you’ll be gone now, before new years or by the 7th? I’ll do a group WhatsApp tomorrow if you haven’t, it would help everyone to put dates in.

You never ever read of men with physical and mental illness who are still the breadwinner and the ones who keep the family going. Well done you!