DH saying he's leaving in the New Year

[Dimebag10M]

Just that really. Not sure how I feel. Kids are older teens, almost don't have the fight left in me. I have serious MH and physical illnesses which I'm probably sure has taken a toll on everything, but his behaviour over the years is making me wish he'd change - it'll never happen. Don't ask me if I'm happy because I don't know what that is. Maybe it is for the best but I'm petrified of change, and we've been together 21 years! Just scared, worried and confused.

I'd use the seven weeks to get organised. And I'd see the no intense feelings as a blessing. If he's said it before make sure you never have to hear it again. Don't allow him to take it back. Focus on the best situation for your children.

My husband once sat at the computer filling out a divorce application. It wasn't the first time we had been in a bad place. This time I'd had enough. I said press it if he wanted but he had better be sure it was as there was no going back. Of course he didn't press it.

I divorced him later though.

If he's going he can go now. Prick.

There is ‘oh I have enough. I’m leaving now. I already have a flat rented for myself and btw here are the divorce papers’ which is shit.

And ‘oh i have enough but I’m not going to do anything for the next 2~3 months and I’ll keep you dangling and worrying and hopefully you’ll do the pick me up dance and give in what I want’ which is more what the dh is doing here.

And there is the in between where you discuss separation, check with each other there is no way back and organise life after divorce together. You know being adult about it.

He can leave now. Sounds like his arrangements which include another woman aren’t yet ready. But he can leave right now and get the divorce going.

Rude.
He’s announced he’s leaving in 7 weeks time, presumably when he’ll have put measures in place to house himself elsewhere.

I'm glad you are securely housed, although obviously it puts more on your shoulders
If you are under a MH team or hospital for your conditions please let everyone possible know about your situation and ask at your GP surgery if there is a social prescriber as they can signpost other sources of help and advice
Sending warm wishes your way

Merry fucking Christmas. Tell him to go now. No point waiting.

Tell him there is no need to wait and he can fuck off now!!

If it were me, I woukd want to start January 1st without him.

New year, totally new start.

He should go now.

Indeed this. Tell him to go now - divorce lawyers are very busy in January.

Help him pack so he can go tonight and doesn't have to hang on until January. Locksmith tomorrow.

I wonder if your mental and physical health issues would be positively impacted by getting rid of him right now.

Yes, use the time to get organised. @MitochondriaUnited has given you a good list of action points, especially with regard to getting hold of his financial documentation.

Go see a competent family solicitor, but inform yourself first, (a) so you know what information to bring and which questions to ask, and (b) to save money. Look at Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies or similar, and family solicitors websites.

The fact that you are the main breadwinner and live in a council property could potentially complicate the financial settlement and you might potentially get a smaller share. But then again, you have additional needs because of your health issues, and these should be taken into consideration.

You definitely need good legal advice.

Thank you all - I've come home from work to a very frosty atmosphere... so I'm doing some Christmas shopping to cheer me up! Just thinking this may be a blessing in disguise, but I just don't want to deal with the emotional bit of the whole 'separating'. Also, it's a bit I'm scared of the 'I told you so' from a few family members who've never liked him. I don't have any outside of work friends so I am just worried about the support network. I don't think there's another woman, he's faaaarrr to honest (brutally) and would rub it in my face if there were. His family love me and understand how hard it is to live with him! Just need to try and protect my emotional state because I do not need sectioning, my DC need me

To be clear, you can ask / suggest he goes now but you can’t just kick him out, unless he’s been violent and is a danger to you.

I know most will disagree with this statement but what he has done / is suggesting is actually quite fair. Rather than just walking out and leaving you In the shit, he is giving you notice so you can get your eggs in order, either with or without his help.

it is likely the house will need to be sold ( if it is owned and not rented ) so you have an opportunity to think about getting it on the market and sorting out your finances and looking for somewhere to move to.

He isn’t waiting until the new year to end the relationship, he has already ended it, but he will be moving out of the marital home in the new year once he has found somewhere else to live.

i don’t think it’s unreasonable, however i am sorry OP and i hope you’re ok.

@Dimebag10M

You know, sometimes those people who say "I told you so" end up being a really great source of support. Just say "Yes, you certainly did and I'm sorry I didn't listen to you back then. But I'm hearing you now!". Just be honest and open. If there are family members or friends who have 'fallen away' because of him maybe now might be a good time to try to get in touch with them. I'll be they'll be glad to hear from you.

Yes, you do need to protect your mental health right now. You say you don't know how to feel, and that's fine. Don't try to force yourself to feel something just because you think you should. Perhaps feeling 'nothing-ish' is the right way for you to feel right now. But if you have MH resources it may be a good time to get in touch with them.

As far as the 'frosty atmosphere', honestly try to enjoy it if you can. If he's giving you the silent treatment that's better than him criticizing or being angry. Just go about your business and do whatever makes you happy. I do sort of agree that it would be better for him to just leave now, but you probably can't force him out and it may result in more hassle and 'atmosphere' than you want to deal with right now.

Your feelings and your future will become clear to you in good time.

I agree with @AcrossthePond55 - if you can keep things civilized, the whole business will be a lot less traumatic.

In addition to talking with friends and family, could you also get some counselling or talk therapy?

Now he is acting like he never said a thing... I'm pretty sure that's a bit of gaslighting, despite not saying anything directly!

Never mind what he says or doesn't say - where are you with the whole process. I hope you have taken legal advice?

His alternate woman has gone cold on him. Don’t be fooled

Sit him down and turn it around and take control tell him you’ve had enough of being manipulated so agree you want to separate and ideally sooner than Christmas - you can’t live this this and your children will be being affected badly by this

Nobody will say 'i told you so', they'll just be happy you've finally managed to make the right step and LTB.
As others say, you have notice. Better than an emergency situation where he needs to be removed.
Ignore him, businesslike. Polite, very little emotion. This will help in the long run. Rowing and trying to reason when it's totally dead is a waste of time.
You'll be better off single. You can do and say what you like, spend your free time with who you want, no need to walk on eggshells around him.
You've got the rest of your life ahead of you.
So enjoy your friends, family, shopping, hobbies. It's your time now. X

Either his other option has changed her mind, or he needs more time to get his finances in order. Either way you need to take charge now.

He has made his decision, he needs to leave now, no question, he has told you his position, tell him yours.

He doesn't get to call the shots and ruin Christmas. Tell him to leave now. And don't let him come crawling back either.