What is wrong with young men?

[PortiasBiscuit]

DD 21yo , is beautiful, funny, intelligent and kind. Is asked out on dates all the time. Goes along on 3 or 4 dates, told she is all those things and more. Constant texting, plans for weekend trips and can’t wait to see you. Talk for hours.
Then .. nothing. One before last claimed his Granny had died so he couldn’t see her.
This has happened 5 or 6 times recently, every time I can see her confidence shrinking. Everytime she is hopeful it might be different. She’s not after marriage or settling down, just a bit of companionship and fun. What the hell is going on?

They have too much choice.

Do they bother trying to get to know her before asking her out or are they just jumping in hoping for a quick shag?

Older men aren't any better in my experience.

😆😆😆😆😆😆😆😆

Since when did anyone ever follow stupid rules like that?

Is she dating one, then the next in a monogamous fashion? Waiting to see if each one turns into a more steady exclusive date before dating the next one?

I'd recommend going on dates but not even thinking about exclusivity until a couple of months in. It also means one guy does not monopolize your time and energy. There would also be no time for love bombing approach of 4 dates in 5 days with the same person, and no talking until 2 am in the morning - that's giving way too much of her precious time to someone who hasn't proved they are worth it.

No more than one date a week per person, have 2-3 options on the go - have fun and be busy with other stuff as well. She'll weed out the flakes before she can even worry about them ghosting her.

Does the idea that she might want to have sex not occur to anyone suggesting she "wait until he falls in love with her"? FFS.

It was the same 35+years ago, most lads had no interest in settling down until they got to late 20's, unless they were the very sober type of 23 year old who wanted to become bank managers or civil servants.

I also remember lots of false starts and ghosting back then, and hurried mentions of being 'about to go travelling' if I suggested meeting again. And I felt insecure about it, but I look back now and know that I was attractive, smart, adventurous and I got a lot of attention and still do now (totally unwanted as I'm gay)

Nothing to do with your daughter, tell her it's just the nature of the beast and totally take the time to just have fun, and invest in her own life and future. Or date a bit older.

She sometimes has a couple on the go, the problem is with these ones is that they monopolise her for a week or two and she gets her hopes up. She gets over things fairly quickly, not heart broken, just a bit sad for a bit then a little less sure of herself.

Absolute rot, you can have sex on date one or date 500.

Nothing wrong with doing what feels right at the time. Date 3 = shag is just following a Craig David song or some random advice from some blowhard in the pub.

@Twogirlsonecup

errrr yes he does

As harsh as it is, this is a really good lesson in setting boundaries and knowing your worth. If she wants to put out and that's what's she's looking for, then crack on. If she doesn't, then don't. I would change up where she's looking for these guys, and also maybe raise the age.

Is this a joke?

The rules is sexist claptrap

Look I could come up with an essay to say it gently but the short version is, tell her to stop being desperate I presume there is a lot on dating apps not looking for a serious relationship, 21 is young

Why is she in a hurry?

Try to encourage her not to let anyone monopolise her time until they have earned it. Even if they are wildly attractive and she's really keen, you can't really judge someone's character - which is the most important thing - until you've known them for a while. If she knows she's the type to get carried away get her to stick to some 'rules' for herself for a few months and see if it improves how she feels about things.

So no one gets more than one date a week, tell them she is too busy. (One caveat ditch the rule for a once in a lifetime date if offered).

It was sexist claptrap but it weirdly works for people who get carried away too easily. Nothing wrong with slowing down the dating process to give yourself time to get to know the character of the person you are dating. Stops you being vulnerable to love bombing too.

I’m not sure this is massively different how it’s always been. I’ve not been dating for 20 years and this is definitely how flaky guys were in my 20s pre-dating apps.

@wordler but taking things slowly isn't really the point of the rules. I read that book in horror when it came out and it makes me sad to see people still recommending it.
There's a huge leap between not being too available too quickly and pretending to be something you're not (which the rules very much pushes).

Partly that more men are choosing to remain single because relationships often fail and it’s usually the males who end up on the loosing side with regard to finances, etc.
Hash reality but true.

I think it's more a case that it's a numbers game. Plenty of men (even young men) want to have a girlfriend rather than endlessly trying to shag anything they can. I don't think it's an age thing (plenty of old men who want to chase women too!)

op has said DD doesn't want to settle down yet, being in a nice relationship with someone is lovely at any age, going on holidays together, chatting shit, discovering life, going to gigs and hanging out etc. No pressure on marriage and babies when you are that young, wonderful!

I do agree about not letting them monopolising her time, it builds false intimacy and is a waste of time she could be using to do other things. When she meets the right one then she can chat til the small hours because they are on the same hymn sheet.

My dd is in the same position

most of them are porn addled in my opinion….she was dumped recently by lad she had a few dates with because she wouldn’t agree to a threesome

I think she needs to not get so invested. Keep in casual. After a week or two, they really shouldn’t have seen each other more than a couple times. Keep it light and get to know them. Drop the loser ones before they drop her.