Being driven made by his need for ‘consistency’

[Fedthefupnow]

Hi all need some advice!

long back story I will try and abbreviate but DP and I have been together 2 years, known each other since school. Both have DC with other people.

It been a very rocky relationship, so much gone on, including him confessing (after it was clear) that he was an alcoholic, both of us dealing with trauma etc, lots of fall outs police, SS etc. we have stayed together as we are in love.

DP (and I) have not drunk any alcohol in about 6 week, I am very proud of him. However, he is on all the time about ‘being consistent’ which basically means I have to be happy, loving, not tired, basically a yes person all the time, if I am slightly off, feeling abit poorly or anxious or just miserable then he is really off with me, wonders why he is bothering to stop drinking if I am ‘still so up and down’ it is making me feel really shit. Like I cannot be myself.

I get he wants to stay positive and everything to be better for us but I think it’s unrealistic. We havnt even really spoken about all the terrible times because he says he doesn’t want to hear it if he is to stay sober.

Not sure I can put up with it tbh

You are not responsible for him. If you feel like ending the relationship you should. You aren't a therapist and it's not fair of him. If you have an off day he'll blame you.

Thank you, I am starting to think it. I want to scream as tonight he as mooched to bed early because ‘all the consistency has gone today’ and I genuinely have no idea what he is talking about. And tbh, I’m a bit sick of sucking up all my normal emotions just to make sure he is ok.

Ugh sack him off.

2 years in and so much drama, the police have been involved, you've got children to think about FFS.

He isn't your responsibility. Perhaps he needs to learn to meet his own need for "consistency"?

You have children. What are you doing still hanging about with this drain on your life?

If you don't live together just don't let him stay at your place again and don't stay at his. Don't waste time with a volatile man, Which he must be if police have been called.

Tbh, I’m not sure. As with all stories, it isn’t always terrible. He can be so kind, generous, loving, driven, he has been all of these things and more since he has been off the drink. But the pressure to constantly match his mood is very draining. It’s to the point that the other day I was cooking and signed as I realised I had made a tiny mistake and straight away he was ‘oh what now?, what’s the matter? It’s always something’ I wanted to scream

It sounds like he's using his new sobriety as a weapon and method control - I'm presuming he has just stopped drinking without any external support involved?

It sounds like he's looking for any excuse to start again and to blame you.

I think he probably needs to engage with support and do it properly if he's going to.

And you would be better off stepping back from this, and looking into co-dependence.

We do live together. The children were not present when the police were called

He’s using this as a stick to beat you with. And FYI, his sobriety is not your responsibility. He needs to do it for himself and be accountable for himself.

That’s correct, he is doing it alone, no support at all. And I will say this is the longest I have ever seen him sober. Which is brilliant. But now it’s this consistency thing, which I feel kinda responsible for because I was begging him for consistency before but only because I couldn’t put up with his moods when drinking

Why on earth are you allowing this toxic drama in your kids life? The police and SS involved and you’ve only been together 2 years? WTAF?

You’re not a rehab clinic for damaged men - he’s a controlling abusive addict. Why would you want someone like that in your DC home?

It certainly feels this way. My DV have some issues going on, just usual school, friends etc and my parents both have health issues so it’s not like I can be on top form all the time

But that's the thing, you're not responsible for him. While he's putting it on you there's no real progress.

You could probably do with talking to Al-Anon.

He is trying to offload the responsibility for his sobriety onto you, so if he falls off the wagon, he can claim it's your fault.

Don't accept this. You're right that nobody's life is 100% sunshine, roses and happiness. If you stay with him, you will be constantly walking on eggshells. That's no way to live.

☹️ I really don’t know. It wasn’t like this at the start at all, only really see it once he moved in, by then there was a lot of stress so I just hoped when it died down everything would be ok again

Walking on eggshells is a good way of putting it

I feel like if I leave now he will say that he did everything I wanted and it still wasn’t enough as that is what he says

Who gives a shit what he says?

He doesn't make reality. He's not God.

You know his behaviour is controlling and bad for your self esteem. He's volatile and making you responsible for him. You can see it.

He is doing this so that when he falls off the wagon, it will be 'your fault' rather than his. He is being totally avoidant and making you entirely responsible for his moods and whether or not he can stay sober.

Time to end it I think, no matter how much you love him.

But at least you wouldn’t be living like this. It sounds exhausting. You have a right to feelings too.

It doesn't matter what he says or believes, you need to get yourself and your children out of this toxic situation, you are worth more than stupid words he might say.

Why does it matter what he says? Get you and your kids away from this toxic mess before any more damage is done.

So what?

You going to let him emotionally blackmail you into doing the wrong thing for yourself and your dc?

I am starting to think that I probably fell out of love with him when all the madness was going on and now he is sober I feel responsible for that, I begged for it and life is 100x better than it was and I feel I should be grateful for that. But other issues in the relationship persist, I am just not allowed to talk about them through risk of upsetting him

This isn’t what love looks like