Being driven made by his need for ‘consistency’

[Fedthefupnow]

Hi all need some advice!

long back story I will try and abbreviate but DP and I have been together 2 years, known each other since school. Both have DC with other people.

It been a very rocky relationship, so much gone on, including him confessing (after it was clear) that he was an alcoholic, both of us dealing with trauma etc, lots of fall outs police, SS etc. we have stayed together as we are in love.

DP (and I) have not drunk any alcohol in about 6 week, I am very proud of him. However, he is on all the time about ‘being consistent’ which basically means I have to be happy, loving, not tired, basically a yes person all the time, if I am slightly off, feeling abit poorly or anxious or just miserable then he is really off with me, wonders why he is bothering to stop drinking if I am ‘still so up and down’ it is making me feel really shit. Like I cannot be myself.

I get he wants to stay positive and everything to be better for us but I think it’s unrealistic. We havnt even really spoken about all the terrible times because he says he doesn’t want to hear it if he is to stay sober.

Not sure I can put up with it tbh

You know it’s affecting your kids and you say it kills you but you’re continuing to put them through this shit.

It doesn’t matter they’re older teens, they’re still living with this alcoholic abuser in their home. Act now before they think quite rightly that you prioritise a man over your own children.

The fact you’ve been told all this before and still continue to put your relationship first - well discuss another thread you’ll disregard to pander to this prick?

Christ.

As @anxioussister said "OP gently, it doesn’t sound like he’s actually recovering. It sounds like he’s white knuckling through to his next drink.."

You should probably go find some meetings for yourself and get some counselling. The man you want doesn't exist. No amount of finger-crossing and pinky promises will make him suddenly appear. If this is your second thread about this then you have lost all perspective. Get some help for yourself and protect your kid.

This sounds codependent. Please look into it and also look up Al-Anon which is for people supporting alcoholics.

No matter how consistent you are, it will never be enough. If he cared as much about your relationship as you do, he would be planning activities for himself to help him to cope better rather than just deflecting the blame and responsibility for his regulation onto you.

Quite honestly your effort is squandered on him and would be much better spent on yourself.

On his best behaviour until he moved in and then..... all this crap.

Open your eyes OP and stop trying to be his saviour.

Did you ever have the police involved in your life before he moved in ?

Never. My DC are late teens and we have never had police, SS or anything of the sort

This won't get better until you decide not to put up with it anymore. You're jumping through hoops to make him feel better, it will never be enough for him. You will become burnt out and exhausted from trying to satisfy his unreasonable whims. He sounds like a deadweight. Unfortunately, his gaslighting has made you mistrust your own judgement and instincts about what you need. It may be that the situation will mean a tipping point of intolerabiity is reached for you - this may give the benefit of suddenly allowing you to clearly see that you deserve much better - and to put necessary actions in place and to prioritise your own needs. Good luck Op, you need to tap into your own power and sense of what is right and wrong.

Yeah, he's a dry drunk, he'll be on the booze again before long and this time it'll be your fault. It couldn't be clearer that he isn't getting sober for himself and isn't committed to it.

Just end it.

And now your poor children have all this in their life.

Why are you doing this to them ?

It's time to split. He needs to get sober on his own, not for you.

You don't owe him anything, and you don't need to justify your reasons for leaving him; you can leave him for any reason you want.

Put your dc first and move him out.

OP your partner is a piece of work. When he was drinking alcoholically you quite rightly complained that you couldn't depend on him to bring any "consistency" (stability, dependability) to the relationship - a fundamental requirement for an adult relationship in which partners take responsibility for their feelings and behaviours and in so doing respect one another. So finally he agrees to stop drinking, but instead of working on himself (essential to achieve and maintain sobriety) he childishly and spitefully begins to accuse you of "not being consistent" simply because you are human. You can't breathe in that gaslit atmosphere, and yet, ironically, if you stopped breathing he would just accuse you of being inconsistently alive! He has put you in a double bind (google it) and you can't win. His problems are pathological and he needs psychological therapy but my guess is that will never happen, or it certainly won't while he's got you to abuse so that he can continue to avoid looking at himself. It's highly likely he grew up in a very oppressive atmosphere and he has struggled to live with the damage that did, which would at least partly explain his drinking - he can't bear to feel what's there to be felt. You simply being human, now that he doesn't have the numbing of alcohol, only serves to remind him of his own vulnerable humanness (which he cannot tolerate), but there is absolutely nothing you can do to help that. So you're fighting a losing battle and if you stay his pathology will destroy you too, one way or another.

Walk away.

You are being lined up as the "fall guy" with this consistency crap.

He is not in a place to be in a relationship. He needs to work on his addiction issues himself and that can't happen if he is dependent on your behaviour to manage his drinking - he's just swapped one crutch for another and that's what he's made you. No wonder you feel exhausted with it - you're being expected to carry the weight of his addiction at the expense of your own emotional well being.

Your priority is to your children. That means looking after yourself. Don't go down the "saviour" route.

Wow, this really resonates in many ways. And he indeed grow up in a very oppressive home, his parents to this day cannot praise him and he grew up to be scared of everything. His sister is an alcoholic too with many many failed relationships.

I am worried that I dont really know who I am any more

No, this is what people who are NOT recovering from addiction do. My partner quit heroin while we were together - he went (and still goes) to two-three support meetings a week, keeps appointments with his dr and follows their advice, changed his environment to remove triggers as much as possible, and never ever put any of his recovery on me. I automatically felt responsible, and as if I should be perfect and make the house perfect for him, and never be in a bad mood, and that didn’t help at all and was an awful way to feel even when it was self-generated. I’m over that now, partly from having some support myself and partly from talking to him about it. He takes responsibility for his own recovery, and I’m allowed to have off days. The one time he acted more like your partner is acting was a near slip - I was worried about his obvious spiralling mood when he was going through a stressful time and he used my worry as a reason to get annoyed and defensive, clearly getting himself into a state of ‘justified’ anger so he could go and use. He didn’t in the end, but it was ugly and not something I would tolerate happening regularly, let alone as a constant state to live in. It must be wearing you down so much. Get support for yourself, and get space away from him.

No.

He’s going to blame you when he starts drinking again because you haven’t been grinning like a Cheshire Cat 24/7.

Life’s too short to fake being happy.

I am worried that I dont really know who I am any more

You do know who you are. The fact you posted because you were concerned about who you might become if you stay in this relationship is proof of that.

You know it's not right for you and your children but you just want people to tell you "it's not just ok to walk away, it's vital you do that".

Well, we are here. Telling you just that.

Your instincts have been validated. So do what you already knew you needed to do before you posted.

End this relationship. Reflect on how/why you ended up in this situation. Resolve to aim much higher in respect of any future relationships.

If this man was truly serious about giving up drink he would be involving professionals - a therapist, GP, AA. Addiction is extremely hard to overcome. He needs to understand why he drinks, what the triggers are and behaviours he can engage in to deal with the triggers in a healthy way.

Instead he's putting all the burden on you. This is not love. Even if you love him, that is not enough. Walk away

He sounds abusive. You are being silenced and controlled. Get in touch with women’s aid and get rid.

Stop. Just fucking stop. This isn't what love feels like. This isn't what your or your teens life needs to be like. Break up with him, do it as cleanly as possible. Make sure this becomes a short blip of a mistake in and otherwise happy and healthy life.

You stay because you worry about what will happen if you leave. You are probably right about what will happen if you leave, but you don’t have to live like you are. If he really wants to get sober he has a long difficult path ahead. It’s going to get worse before it gets better.

Your life doesn’t have to go on the way it has. He isn’t going to suddenly become this amazing man you want to spend your life with. You can either spend the next few years going on as you are now, or leave and get your life back. If you really can’t handle the guilt of leaving while he is trying to get sober wait until he falls of the wagon to go. But you need to find somewhere to live now so you can walk out immediately.

best of luck, I hope it works out for you.

Why is he more important than you (and your two sets of children)?

Sounds like you enjoy the drama TBH. Yes he will blame you. Can’t avoid that. You should still leave though.

'Love' isn't remotely relevant in this situation. The relationship is toxic and you have children, who should be your priority.

Love yourself.

You are being set up for when he falls of the wagon. It will be your fault, not his.

You are not responsible for his sobriety, him framing it that way is a massive red flag and you should be running not walking away from this man.

100%

OP sounds like a lovesick teenager, but most people grow out of that stage.

Thank you all. It’s a complicated story, as I said we have known each other for many years which I think makes me feel like I am more invested than I would be anyone else I had only known 2 years. I always knew he liked a drink but not to the extent, you definitely don’t know someone properly until you live with them!

I have told him many many times that he needs to leave, but he doesn’t. I will not give up my home and move out. I don’t have any family at all locally, plus this is my children’s home. He refuses to leave, although he would not have the resources to support it.

No it won’t get better. I realise you’ve had a tough time but you’re putting your own need to be right and feel blameless over your children’s wellbeing. I’m genuinely not saying that to be nasty but to try and help you to see that this will never end the way you want it to, and that you’re damaging your children’s wellbeing in the time you’re taking to come to that conclusion yourself.