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Original poster

Being driven made by his need for ‘consistency’

110 replies

Fedthefupnow · 06/11/2024 22:08

Hi all need some advice!

long back story I will try and abbreviate but DP and I have been together 2 years, known each other since school. Both have DC with other people.

It been a very rocky relationship, so much gone on, including him confessing (after it was clear) that he was an alcoholic, both of us dealing with trauma etc, lots of fall outs police, SS etc. we have stayed together as we are in love.

DP (and I) have not drunk any alcohol in about 6 week, I am very proud of him. However, he is on all the time about ‘being consistent’ which basically means I have to be happy, loving, not tired, basically a yes person all the time, if I am slightly off, feeling abit poorly or anxious or just miserable then he is really off with me, wonders why he is bothering to stop drinking if I am ‘still so up and down’ it is making me feel really shit. Like I cannot be myself.

I get he wants to stay positive and everything to be better for us but I think it’s unrealistic. We havnt even really spoken about all the terrible times because he says he doesn’t want to hear it if he is to stay sober.

Not sure I can put up with it tbh

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 07/11/2024 07:48

OP he may not be drinking but he is not sober. Alcoholism isn’t just about drinking it is about a whole set of behaviours. He is displaying all of them. In order to be sober you need to learn how to live in the world, and that includes a partner who is not an alcoholic and who is allowed to be an ordinary human being, who has ups and downs.
He is trying to control his sobriety with this consistency theme, and that means controlling you.
He will never be sober behaving this way. His best bet would be to go to AA meetings and find a good AA sponsor.
He also has no real need to get sober living in your home and depending on you. You are under far too much pressure and none of it is your responsibility.
He was an alcoholic when you met.
I know it’s tough but this will only get worse if he continues on this path with no help. He needs to get some help, get fully sober, and stand on his own two feet.
Only then will he be fully ready for a proper relationship.
If he doesn’t he will drink again at some point, and this time he will blame you.

AutumnLeaves24 · 07/11/2024 07:59

Fedthefupnow · 06/11/2024 22:43

Will this get better? Does anyone know of this is just something people who are a bit insecure and recovering from addiction do?

No it won't because he's not taking responsibility for himself. He's controlling you & making you responsible for his sobriety. You're not, he ( or rather needs to be)

fair enough not to nit pick over pointless stuff but the world around him won't bend to his liking.

it sounds like the relationship isn't good, irrespective of this issue, yes he might start drinking again if you leave him, which is a shame for him, but you can't live like this.

your kids deserve better!!

Daleksatemyshed · 07/11/2024 08:03

His family are toxic, both he and his DSis are addicts, to recover from that he needs therapy. Right now he's messing up his DCs lives and his own and dragging you down with him.
You're not his therapist, you can't change him or save him. As soon as you say the wrong thing he'll hit the bottle again and he'll blame it all on you
Get him out Op, don't take no for an answer, he leaves and you break up. He'll want to be friends but you'll just get dragged back in. End this once and for all, your life will be SO much better

Weyohweyoh · 07/11/2024 08:03

Ezekiela · 06/11/2024 22:28

He is trying to offload the responsibility for his sobriety onto you, so if he falls off the wagon, he can claim it's your fault.

Don't accept this. You're right that nobody's life is 100% sunshine, roses and happiness. If you stay with him, you will be constantly walking on eggshells. That's no way to live.

Absolutely this

violentovulation · 07/11/2024 08:07

Women are not hospitals for broken men.

It's time to give him his marching orders.

Towerofsong · 07/11/2024 08:14

OP, he wants the perfect version of you, no ups and downs. That is not realistic. A partner is meant to be a partner in life, with it's ups and downs.

You have also said you want the perfect version of him where he doesn't drink. However he is saying he only gave up for you. This is also not realistic. He has to want to do it for himself, for his own life and health.

You asked if this might be a phase an addict goes through in giving up ...well undoubtedly it's a sensitive phase but there is a reason people abuse substances and often it is 'self-medication' - they cannot deal with normal life. So until he wants to give up for himself and get support for himself to learn to deal with normal life, this is how it will be.

At the moment he has put you in place of alcohol - you have been made responsible for making normal life consistent and easy. This is codependent behaviour.

This is not your responsibility. It won't get better until he reaches a point in himself where he wants to change.

I saw a family member do this, everyone tried to help for 15 years, everyone finally reached the point of accepting that this is what they had chosen and they were going to drink themselves to death, and our job was only to love (and let go of) the real person they were behind the drink. Then one day they decided they were ready, got medical help and got sober.

After they were sober they got antidepressants and therapy to help them deal with life. That was 8 years ago, but it came from inside them and when everyone least expected it.

If you break up with him he might go back to drinking, not your responsibility. If you stay with him, he will use any life stress as a reason to give up drinking and try to make it your responsibility, because he 'Only did it for you'. It isn't your responsibility.

AutumnLeaves24 · 07/11/2024 08:18

Stop asking him to move out.

TELL him to move out! It's your home, not his. Tell him he has this weekend to move out, or come Monday, you'll move him out.

rainbowstardrops · 07/11/2024 08:29

AutumnLeaves24 · 07/11/2024 08:18

Stop asking him to move out.

TELL him to move out! It's your home, not his. Tell him he has this weekend to move out, or come Monday, you'll move him out.

Absolutely this! TELL him he needs to go!
This man is dragging you down and will no doubt blame you for anything and everything that goes wrong in his life.
Time to focus on yourself and your children and get back to being the real 'you'.

NotStayingIn · 07/11/2024 08:33

I can’t believe you’re actually telling yourself this I have done everything I can to protect them from as much as I can though.

Aside from:
Not moving in a guy before you properly knew him.
Not kicking out a guy once you found out the alcohol issues.
Letting a guy live in their home who has such significant personality issues.
Not being your true happy genuine self anymore because of him, so letting their mother not be her full potential.
Thinking the kids are fine in this situation because they aren’t around as much and can hang out with their friends instead.
Asking for advice before and completely ignoring it.
Not pushing through with kicking him out.
Not coming up with ways you can actually get rid of him, but being resigned to him staying as that’s what he will do.
etc
etc

Do t fool yourself into thinking this isn’t as bad as it is and your kids have been protected. You CAN do this, you really just need to get serious and do it.

TwistedWonder · 07/11/2024 08:39

NotStayingIn · 07/11/2024 08:33

I can’t believe you’re actually telling yourself this I have done everything I can to protect them from as much as I can though.

Aside from:
Not moving in a guy before you properly knew him.
Not kicking out a guy once you found out the alcohol issues.
Letting a guy live in their home who has such significant personality issues.
Not being your true happy genuine self anymore because of him, so letting their mother not be her full potential.
Thinking the kids are fine in this situation because they aren’t around as much and can hang out with their friends instead.
Asking for advice before and completely ignoring it.
Not pushing through with kicking him out.
Not coming up with ways you can actually get rid of him, but being resigned to him staying as that’s what he will do.
etc
etc

Do t fool yourself into thinking this isn’t as bad as it is and your kids have been protected. You CAN do this, you really just need to get serious and do it.

Totally agree. OP you’re in denial about putting your kids first and how much this is affecting them.

You are prioritising this man over them every minute you continue to accommodate him under your roof. This should be your kids safe space and yet it’s filled with an abusive addict who has bought the police and SS to their door.

Wake the fuck up and tell him to go TODAY!! Every day he stays is another day you’re doing irreparable damage to your kids

DeeCeeCherry · 07/11/2024 08:41

2 years of drama for the sake of a man. & Now you have to be a grinning clown 🤡 daily, to suit him. Tell him you're not a therapist and it isn't feasible for anyone to be upbeat daily. & You're not going to do it. In reality you should've binned him ages ago. Toxicity at this level isn't love. Do you not want to be 'yourself' again? No man is worth all of this. Years of it will do your head in, good luck with that.

AlertCat · 07/11/2024 08:43

he has told you he is only giving up drink for you- not for him. So he WILL go back to it, and he WILL blame you for the relapse.

you never had police round your house before him. Now in two years you’ve had police and social services. HE is the catalyst for that. HE brings chaos into your life and your dc lives. He doesn’t care about any of you.

you feel you’re not sure who you are, now. Is that because he has created a role for you and is forcing you to stay in it?
you aren’t sure you even want a relationship! Don’t be in one. Be on your own, you’ll be much happier.

he refuses to leave YOUR house. If he loved you he wouldn’t hesitate. He doesn’t leave because he’s focused on what HE needs and wants. He doesn’t care about you (this may be a part of the alcoholism or it may be his basic nature). It’s YOUR HOUSE.

If he left and both of you had some proper therapy you might both get to a place where you can see each other again. As it is, I can only see this going one way and it’s not pretty. @Fedthefupnow please look at all you stand to lose, and you have no prospect of gaining anything at all. The man you want doesn’t exist.

Original poster
Fedthefupnow · 07/11/2024 08:52

Towerofsong · 07/11/2024 08:14

OP, he wants the perfect version of you, no ups and downs. That is not realistic. A partner is meant to be a partner in life, with it's ups and downs.

You have also said you want the perfect version of him where he doesn't drink. However he is saying he only gave up for you. This is also not realistic. He has to want to do it for himself, for his own life and health.

You asked if this might be a phase an addict goes through in giving up ...well undoubtedly it's a sensitive phase but there is a reason people abuse substances and often it is 'self-medication' - they cannot deal with normal life. So until he wants to give up for himself and get support for himself to learn to deal with normal life, this is how it will be.

At the moment he has put you in place of alcohol - you have been made responsible for making normal life consistent and easy. This is codependent behaviour.

This is not your responsibility. It won't get better until he reaches a point in himself where he wants to change.

I saw a family member do this, everyone tried to help for 15 years, everyone finally reached the point of accepting that this is what they had chosen and they were going to drink themselves to death, and our job was only to love (and let go of) the real person they were behind the drink. Then one day they decided they were ready, got medical help and got sober.

After they were sober they got antidepressants and therapy to help them deal with life. That was 8 years ago, but it came from inside them and when everyone least expected it.

If you break up with him he might go back to drinking, not your responsibility. If you stay with him, he will use any life stress as a reason to give up drinking and try to make it your responsibility, because he 'Only did it for you'. It isn't your responsibility.

I am pleased that your family member is sober now.

He does say that he is only giving up the drink for me and our relationship. He is open about the fact that he would drink again if we separated

OP posts:
MagpiePi · 07/11/2024 08:57

I feel I have invested a lot into this relationship, emotionally, physically, financially.

These are 'sunk costs' and you have to let them go. You are flogging a dead horse if you carry on with this relationship.

ThatTealViewer · 07/11/2024 09:00

Fedthefupnow · 07/11/2024 07:37

Thank you all. It’s a complicated story, as I said we have known each other for many years which I think makes me feel like I am more invested than I would be anyone else I had only known 2 years. I always knew he liked a drink but not to the extent, you definitely don’t know someone properly until you live with them!

I have told him many many times that he needs to leave, but he doesn’t. I will not give up my home and move out. I don’t have any family at all locally, plus this is my children’s home. He refuses to leave, although he would not have the resources to support it.

Edited

What’s the housing situation? Who owns it/whose name is on the lease?

I have told him many many times that he needs to leave, but he doesn’t.

Really? Have you said ‘this relationship is over, get out’ or words to that effect?

stinkymonkey52 · 07/11/2024 09:01

If you don't end this excuse for a relationship you'll look at your life a few years on and ask yourself where has it all gone, plus if you have grandchildren you'll lose them because your children won't want him in their lives because he's a selfish drunk and you've prioritised him over them. Is he worth all the heartache?

CheekyHobson · 07/11/2024 09:01

OP I would strongly urge you to educate yourself about alcoholism/alcohol abuse and learn what mindset someone needs to have, the tools they need to learn and the actions they need to take to get and stay sober.*

Anyone who knows even a little about this can instantly see all the considerable problems with your boyfriend’s mindset and actions, and knows full well that you are on a hiding to nothing.

Even those who are very sincere, motivated and taking full responsibility for their alcohol issues can struggle to stay sober at times.

Your boyfriend’s chances of doing so are practically nil, and you must know that he is going to blame you when he fails, because that’s what he is already doing. And the fact that he is putting the responsibility on you for him to stay sober is why he’s going to fail, too.

*I am suggesting this not so you can stay with him, but so you can understand why you need to leave.

Brananan · 07/11/2024 09:04

Presumably he started drinking so much to mask some trauma or MH issues in his own life. Those things don't disappear when people give up drinking

SnoopysHoose · 07/11/2024 09:05

we have stayed together as we are in love.
what is their to love? get him out your house, stop worrying what will happen to him, if need be have the police remove him and change the locks.
Put your kids first not some arsehole alchy!

MorrisZapp · 07/11/2024 09:10

You're so deep in denial you have rewritten your short history with this man. Police and SS are thinly stretched and do not pop round unless someone inside or outside your house has contacted them with concerns around criminality or safeguarding.

It's a cop out to say 'we've had problems, with police and SS involvement' as if those problems exist on their own. I'm assuming in fact what has happened is that this abusive man has created such scenes that neighbours have feared for your safety, is this right?

It's him. He's lived with you for less than two years, where did he live before? He can either go back there or sort out somewhere else. Yip, he'll resume drinking but that's entirely his problem to deal with, like it was two years ago.

You're not his mother. Boot him out and show your kids they come first. Don't ask him to leave, tell him. If he still won't leave, seek legal channels and make him.

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 07/11/2024 09:11

My ex has been sober for 20 years. He’s the same insecure afraid of his shadow won’t commit to anything fun-sponge that he was when he was drinking.
He’s still an alcoholic, just not drinking.
Your partner has the nice charming parts of course, but the parts that blame you and are controlling and constantly monitoring your every breath, that’s him too.
Give him a date to move out and let him know the police will be called if he doesn’t. Do not have any conversations about his housing needs, not your problem.
He will likely drink again and it won’t be your fault.

Brananan · 07/11/2024 09:11

Wouldn't SS involvement mean problems with the kids?

Stop drinking OP and leave.

Catoo · 07/11/2024 09:19

You need to let him go OP.

If it’s your house, put him out. Put your DC first. How horrible for them that you moved an abusive alcoholic into their home. They had no choice and you should have protected them from that by getting rid as soon as you realised.

He’s throwing the consistency thing at you because you used it on him. He’s a petty drunken abusive arsehole.

I wouldn’t even bother trying to have the conversation with him about how he can’t expect you to be 100% happy all of the time. Every normal person knows that. Just put him out FFS. Do it in a safe way for you. My friend in a similar situation packed an essentials bag when he was out for the day and changed the locks. Left his bag in the porch had booked him a night in a travel lodge and then arranged for friends to be at the house when he collected the rest of his things a few days later.

Will he fall back on the drink. Yes he will. But it’s not your responsibility. Put yourself and your DC first.

💐

Bananalanacake · 07/11/2024 09:21

Does he pay towards bills and food. If it is your property and his name isn't on the mortgage or tenancy you can kick him out. Nothing to do with you if he can't afford to rent somewhere else or if he starts drinking.

AngelinaFibres · 07/11/2024 09:22

My first husband was an alcoholic. Once online shopping became a thing he added spending and spending and spending to his addictions. Thankfully he'd left us by the time of the shopping addiction but it meant he was erratic with child maintenance. He blamed me and our 2 small children for everything that wasn't right. It was too noisy, it was too stressful, he was being expected to provide . I had to keep the children quiet or walk endlessly round the village with a double pushchair so he could have peace. In the end he left for a 17 year old who also drank like a fish and smoked ( another of his favourite things he had given up when he met me). She is now a functioning alcoholic in her forties. He killed himself in March having destroyed her life and moved on with a final girlfriend to whom he lied and lied and lied. Addicts are the most selfish people in the world. They will do to you what was done to them to cause them to be an addict in the first place. You will never be able to have a normal life. Stress is part of life. Everyone has to deal with down times. Everyone is allowed to have a glass of wine with a nice meal, to eat out over Christmas with friends, to celebrate an achievement/ milestone with a glass of something bubbly. It's part of a normal life. If you are with an addict you will never,ever have a normal life. You only have one life. Live it in the best way you can FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN. As others have said , you are not a rehab facility for a damaged man.