Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Being driven made by his need for ‘consistency’

110 replies

Fedthefupnow · 06/11/2024 22:08

Hi all need some advice!

long back story I will try and abbreviate but DP and I have been together 2 years, known each other since school. Both have DC with other people.

It been a very rocky relationship, so much gone on, including him confessing (after it was clear) that he was an alcoholic, both of us dealing with trauma etc, lots of fall outs police, SS etc. we have stayed together as we are in love.

DP (and I) have not drunk any alcohol in about 6 week, I am very proud of him. However, he is on all the time about ‘being consistent’ which basically means I have to be happy, loving, not tired, basically a yes person all the time, if I am slightly off, feeling abit poorly or anxious or just miserable then he is really off with me, wonders why he is bothering to stop drinking if I am ‘still so up and down’ it is making me feel really shit. Like I cannot be myself.

I get he wants to stay positive and everything to be better for us but I think it’s unrealistic. We havnt even really spoken about all the terrible times because he says he doesn’t want to hear it if he is to stay sober.

Not sure I can put up with it tbh

OP posts:

MumblesParty · 07/11/2024 09:44

Bloody hell OP, this is no life. He’s basically saying that you need to behave exactly as he wants you to, all the time, or he’ll start drinking again, and it’ll be your fault. Can you not see how wrong this is?

And just because your kids are older teens it doesn’t mean this isn’t massively damaging to them too.
I think you need to sit him down and say that you can’t be “consistent” - life is full of little ups and downs, and it’s normal to behave accordingly. It’s not possible to be the same all the time, and if he can’t deal with that (without resorting to alcohol) , then you can’t be together any more.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 07/11/2024 11:22

AngelinaFibres · 07/11/2024 09:22

My first husband was an alcoholic. Once online shopping became a thing he added spending and spending and spending to his addictions. Thankfully he'd left us by the time of the shopping addiction but it meant he was erratic with child maintenance. He blamed me and our 2 small children for everything that wasn't right. It was too noisy, it was too stressful, he was being expected to provide . I had to keep the children quiet or walk endlessly round the village with a double pushchair so he could have peace. In the end he left for a 17 year old who also drank like a fish and smoked ( another of his favourite things he had given up when he met me). She is now a functioning alcoholic in her forties. He killed himself in March having destroyed her life and moved on with a final girlfriend to whom he lied and lied and lied. Addicts are the most selfish people in the world. They will do to you what was done to them to cause them to be an addict in the first place. You will never be able to have a normal life. Stress is part of life. Everyone has to deal with down times. Everyone is allowed to have a glass of wine with a nice meal, to eat out over Christmas with friends, to celebrate an achievement/ milestone with a glass of something bubbly. It's part of a normal life. If you are with an addict you will never,ever have a normal life. You only have one life. Live it in the best way you can FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN. As others have said , you are not a rehab facility for a damaged man.

I am so sorry to hear what you have been through @AngelinaFibres that is just awful for you.

turkeymuffin · 07/11/2024 11:32

Fedthefupnow · 06/11/2024 22:40

I am starting to think that I probably fell out of love with him when all the madness was going on and now he is sober I feel responsible for that, I begged for it and life is 100x better than it was and I feel I should be grateful for that. But other issues in the relationship persist, I am just not allowed to talk about them through risk of upsetting him

This is no way to live.

The relationship is not a good one.

You are allowed to leave for any reason you like , at any time.

Your life and your children's lives would be infinitely better.

TwistedWonder · 07/11/2024 11:43

But other issues in the relationship persist, I am just not allowed to talk about them through risk of upsetting him

Why are you pandering to him so much? You are entitled to discuss any issues in your relationship and if it upsets him tough shit . He's a grown adult - let him deal with it.

The thing is OP this isn’t first thread you’ve started about this abusive twat and the advice won’t change even if you start 20000 threads. This is in YOUR hands - until you stop living in denial about how you’re facilitating the damage this man is causing you and you kids on your own home and you stop making excuses for him, you’ll be trapped in this toxic cycle.

Your kids have been damaged already - stop any more damage before it’s too late. You know what needs to be done. Stop procrastinating and do it

Toddlerteaplease · 07/11/2024 12:03

Leave. For the sake of your children. This is not a healthy relationship.

Pinkpurpletulips · 07/11/2024 12:05

Men are not projects where you have to try to rebuild them from the toenails up. He behaved well enough till he moved in and the started drinking so that you've now had police and SS involvement. He is not drinking at the moment on the basis that you put up and shut in what appears to be your own house.

Who knows what your poor children think? Going through hell in a relationship does not mean it's true love - extreme bad luck aside, it just means you picked poorly.

If it's your house or the lease is in your name, change the locks when he is out and bag his stuff and leave it for pickup or whatever. I guess you'd have to give the landlord the new keys if it's a rental. If he kicks off outside, call the police. Ideally a burly male relative would be good to keep on hand.

You don't have a responsibility to this alcoholic to try to stop his drinking by changing yourself and, in fact, you can't. You may have known him a long time but this is a 2 year relationship where you've been through who knows what for a man who says he can only stay sober if you are perpetually happy and cheery while he flounces round your house.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 07/11/2024 12:07

Why bother, life is so short !

You moved in together with all the children very quickly if you have only been together 2 years.
Is all this fair on your children ?

no one should be walking on eggshells.

bulb34 · 07/11/2024 12:11

Read your own post and imagine it was your friend writing. Then LTB

turkeymuffin · 07/11/2024 12:43

stinkymonkey52 · 07/11/2024 09:01

If you don't end this excuse for a relationship you'll look at your life a few years on and ask yourself where has it all gone, plus if you have grandchildren you'll lose them because your children won't want him in their lives because he's a selfish drunk and you've prioritised him over them. Is he worth all the heartache?

This.

You WILL lose your kids. Thier hearts & minds if nothing else.

RawBloomers · 07/11/2024 18:18

Fedthefupnow · 07/11/2024 08:52

I am pleased that your family member is sober now.

He does say that he is only giving up the drink for me and our relationship. He is open about the fact that he would drink again if we separated

Show quote history

If he would drink if you separated he isn’t sober. He may not be drinking or taking drugs, but he is still dependent. All the issues he has that he uses alcohol to mask he has turned on you instead. He needs to find some self respect and do this for himself. While you are enabling him like this you are hurting him as well as you and your kids.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5