Being driven made by his need for ‘consistency’

[Fedthefupnow]

Hi all need some advice!

long back story I will try and abbreviate but DP and I have been together 2 years, known each other since school. Both have DC with other people.

It been a very rocky relationship, so much gone on, including him confessing (after it was clear) that he was an alcoholic, both of us dealing with trauma etc, lots of fall outs police, SS etc. we have stayed together as we are in love.

DP (and I) have not drunk any alcohol in about 6 week, I am very proud of him. However, he is on all the time about ‘being consistent’ which basically means I have to be happy, loving, not tired, basically a yes person all the time, if I am slightly off, feeling abit poorly or anxious or just miserable then he is really off with me, wonders why he is bothering to stop drinking if I am ‘still so up and down’ it is making me feel really shit. Like I cannot be myself.

I get he wants to stay positive and everything to be better for us but I think it’s unrealistic. We havnt even really spoken about all the terrible times because he says he doesn’t want to hear it if he is to stay sober.

Not sure I can put up with it tbh

Who cares if that’s what he says - you won’t be able to hear him say it because you will have left!

I'm pretty sure the OP has posted about this man before, and plenty of people said exactly this.

Only 2 years in and it's shit. What's the point of being with a man like this?

Yeah - because you don't owe him your affection. He has to be someone to want to be with, not someone who meets criteria then you're obliged to love him.

You're a free person, you can end the relationship for any reason you want.

Will this get better? Does anyone know of this is just something people who are a bit insecure and recovering from addiction do?

You and the children deserve so much more.
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life asking yourself is this how I want to spend the rest of my life ??

What about your DC? Don’t they matter? They’re your priority not a controlling addict.

Every day you stay in this car crash , you’re damaging them a bit more.

Everyone has up and down days. He’s being unrealistic to expect you to jolly him along all day every day. You are a human being, not his emotional support teddy.

2 years is still short term. It's the fucking honeymoon period! And you've spent that honeymoon period dealing with alcoholism, police and social services.

No. It will not get better than this.

You've given it two years.

This is as good as it gets.

How long are you going to flog a dead horse?

I get this. And I do feel like that sometimes. I can see he is trying because he realises that I would not have put up with the drinking any longer. But like my friend said, the other side of his personality remains the same.

No. It won’t get better.

I won't give away your name change OP, but in your last thread you were told by almost all posters to end this relationship.

And a month later you're back asking the same question.

It is not working. You need to rip the plaster off and end it - if not for your own sake, for your child's sake. What must it be like for them having to deal with this?

They matter very much to me, they are older teens so not home a lot of the time, with friends, their dad etc but I know it’s been really hard for them and it kills me. I just wanted the good side of him all the time. And to the outside he is working hard now, kind, happy but quietly I am watching my every mood, thought, step to try and make sure it all stays ‘consistent’ 🙄

You are right. And I was so resolute but stopping drinking really did make a huge impact. Now it’s this. Seems like there will always be something.

OP gently, it doesn’t sound like he’s actually recovering. It sounds like he’s white knuckling through to his next drink and lining you up to take the fall for it when he cracks for your ‘lack of consistency’

Addicts can recover. But they can only do it for themselves. They can’t recover for someone else.

This sounds like a relationship which has confused loved with drama. I would strongly counsel you to take a (big) step back and ask yourself if this is the life you want for yourself? Why do you feel so responsible for this adults choices? Do you think you deserve more in a partnership?

So you have to act the good Stepford Wife and express no negative emotion ever? Sounds unrealistic.

This all seems very relevant. He says all the time the only reason he is not drinking is for me and so that our relationship can be ‘consistent’.

I feel I have invested a lot into this relationship, emotionally, physically, financially. He can be an amazing person. I want that person. Not all he and (we) have been.

I don’t think I want a relationship at all tbh. I was quite happy single for nearly 2 years when me and DD’s father split.

For gods sake get rid of him OP.

Pretty much. Including being gracious about his awful family, his annoying DC (sorry) how he resents my dog, yup and it’s draining

Why are you subjecting yourself and presumably your children to a toxic relationship with a controlling alcoholic? Get some self respect and end this shitshow.

For an alcoholic, 6 weeks off booze is barely the blink on an eye. Of course he is setting you up to blame when he inevitably drinks again. Is he doing any AA meetings, counselling, outside support of any kind?

TBH the relationship sounds very toxic and him not drinking is probably not going to change that. You are not responsible for him.

‘Being in love’ is not a reason to stay with this awful man. You’re not 15.

I know it’s been really hard for them and it kills me.

This seems disingenuous. You've moved an alcoholic into their home and while you didn't know at the time, when you found out you didn't kick him out. Those aren't the actions of someone for whom the hardship of their children is much of a priority.

No, no outside support at all. Just using alcohol free booze at times.

I accept this. My words have been cheap. I have done everything I can to protect them from as much as I can though. I am not silly enough to think I have done enough though.