Is he gay? Or trans? Or just a submissive?

[Distresserlla]

Please be kind.
I've been with my DP for 4 years now, we have a beautiful 5 year old son.
About a year ago he told me that he used to enjoy cross dressing in private, he would dress up as a woman and watch "sissy porn". He used to date a trans woman before me, which I knew but I put it down to youthfull experimentation and recently things in the bedroom have become very different, involving pegging.
Is he gay? Or trans or just kinky?
When I read it all like this is seems obvious. I know people are going to think I'm stupid but I guess I've been blinded by love. I've been trying to be supportive and even going along with things in the bedroom because I don't want to hurt him or shame him but honestly I think it's ruined any kind of sexual attraction for me. Have I been a mug and made a family with a man who doesn't even want to be a man/with women? He said he isn't gay or trans but he seems to have a lot of shame about it and I think denial.
I guess I need unbiased opinions on what to do, bare in mind our child is a huge factor for me and breaking up his home is the last thing I want to do.

Autogynophilia comes under the trans umbrella though.

Pp have mentioned these threads - here's the link for the latest. There's a direct website now as well which should be linked from p.1

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4879982-trans-widows-escape-committee-6-the-next-generation?page=1

No, it's a sexual attraction type. It might fall under lbtquia+ whatever it is now...but it has nothing to do with being trans.

In the same way that Drag Queens aren't trans. And cross dressers aren't trans. People who get a kick form seeing themselves dressed as the opposite sex aren't trans.

Being trans has nothing to do with sexual attraction (Well, unless you count people who mistake their same sex attraction as being born in the wrong body).

You can't possibly know that he's not trans and that it's 'just' standard anything.
He very possibly could be trans.

Do men who are trans still want to be with women or men? I thought trans men who dressed like women generally wanted to be with men.

Its pretty confusing.

Well, herein lies the problem.

Seeing as Eddie Izzard is in fact "trans" and any other cross dresser is also "genuinely trans".... Including Isla Brison. And supposedly "Trans women are women" etc etc..... well. I wonder what the problem is with gender ideology. I can't see what could possibly go wrong.

There are two types of transvestites.

The AGP male who is attracted to females and aroused by the thought of themselves as female, and the homosexual transvestite who dresses up as feminine to attract a certain cohort of men.

Surprisingly, the vast majority of transvestites fall into the first category.

Press for Change, one of the early trans rights groups, worked hard to replace ‘transsexual’ and ‘transvestite’ with just ‘trans’ because they purposely wanted to muddy the waters between the concepts.

You don't have to worry about whether he likes dressing as a woman because he thinks his personality aligns with stereotypes, as a trauma response to societies reaction to his being effeminate or as a fetish - the definitions of different varieties of trans is not yours to solve.

I would ask him to stop watching porn though - that is why this escalates, it's a form of addiction.

You have done plenty to please him, the request for you to peg him even though you don't like it is a bigger ask than him trying to give up porn to see the effect it's having. His response to you asking will help you decide what to do next.

No!
Staying together when it's wrong - does not help DC, it will only hurt them too.
If it's wrong, it's wrong - and there's never a best time to get out, except now.
You know this really - If you didn't, you wouldn't have posted this in the first place.

PS try not to get too hung up on the labels - seems there's plenty of people determined to argue the toss about them, but they don't matter. What he is and does makes you uncomfortable.

I think it’s fairly common for AGP to get into a relationship with a woman, get her pregnant and then a while later reveal the cross dressing/fetish side thinking the woman won’t leave now they have DC.

It would be over for me. Any attraction I had would be dead instantly and I would feel duped. These men escalate. Before too long a huge amount of family income goes over to feeding their fetish. Expensive clothes, shoes, make up, toys etc.

Doesn’t matter what label he gives himself or if he starts saying he’s trans. He’s a man with AGP and that is bad news for you.

Honestly, I could not get out fast enough.

I’m sorry OP. 💐

That is a separate issue, and doesn't matter because whatever he is, he is not right for op. The relationship is dead anyway.

It's a separate issue that the OP wants to know.
I agree that they're not compatible, but that doesn't mean that this doesn't matter.
People need to stop telling women in this situation that it 'doesn't matter' what their partners sexuality is. Women are allowed to want to know the levels of their partners betrayal and they often do want to know.

I see this all the time on here, a man on grindr etc. and people say it doesn't matter if he's gay...all that matters is that he's a cheat. Maybe it matters to the woman in question whose life is affected and she really wants to understand the levels and debths of betrayal and how much of a sham their relationship was.

Then why do you do it?

This.

He waited until AFTER you had a child with him and I'm not sure if you're married, but the child is a lifelong commitment and THEN he tells you he is deeply sexually attracted to dressing up as a weak female and being humiliated - plus he finds being a weak female itself humiliating and gets off on that (cos that's what's going on behind sissy fetishes). AND he wants you to join in - thereby having your involvement humiliated him further. The whole dynamic is not healthy.

Imagine he'd say you down before getting pregnant and said, "I like sissy porn, this is what it is, I'm going to need to enact it and I want you to participate". What would you have said? "Oh come here darling and get me pregnant, I want to have your child?"

He's been deceitful and manipulative about this for years, simply by omitting to tell you, and not letting you make an informed decision about how your life goes ahead. He had ALL the information when deciding about his.

You will 100% not damage your child by separating/divorcing him tomorrow. The sooner the better for your mental health. In the meantime stop all sexual activities with him. It's damaging to you mentally do be involved in something sexually that actively turns you off.

Will your DC be happy if he's lied to and told he's got two mums?

So, you're considering sacrificing your happiness to stay in this relationship, but won't consider him sacrificing his?

Your dc needs happy parents. If you stay together one of you will become increasingly unhappy and resentful.

Your child needs protection from a man who will always put his sexuality before his child and his wife.

Read the trans widows threads, stop feeling like it's your responsibility to be nice to him when he doesn't give a shit about you, your boundaries or your child.

You will only ever be there to validate him. Your needs will be secondary to all of this.

I've been trying to be supportive and even going along with things in the bedroom because I don't want to hurt him or shame him but honestly I think it's ruined any kind of sexual attraction for me.

He's violating your boundaries and not respecting how you feel. This is not a relationship of equals.

If he was doing this and he identified as a straight male, everyone would scream it's abusive and you are being coerced.

Stop it. Stop focusing on what his identity may or may not be.

Do you want to be treated like this? If the answer is no in ANY situation it should be the same for EVERY situation. Otherwise it's just emotional manipulation.

Leave him.

Leave.

Knowing his sexuality does not change anything and does not assist with understanding. Does he understand his sexuality even? What is the point in creating anger and betrayal when it may not exist and they can amicably coparent.

Op is not unhappy with him as a husband aside from this. She said she feels he is a good husband and father. Why can the successful parts of the relationship not be honoured? Why must it be a sham? None of us have any idea what is actually going on in this situation, but yet plenty are happy to judge.

Yep!

Show him the door.

This.

As you're happy with everything else, I would tell him that you're not doing the sexual things you don't like any more, and figure out where you stand on the rest.

To me the cross-dressing is no different a hobby to if I had a partner who loved football and wanted to go to football matches - I wouldn't like it because I don't like football, but I wouldn't stop him from doing a harmless hobby he enjoyed - just don't ask me to get involved with it.