Is he gay? Or trans? Or just a submissive?

[Distresserlla]

Please be kind.
I've been with my DP for 4 years now, we have a beautiful 5 year old son.
About a year ago he told me that he used to enjoy cross dressing in private, he would dress up as a woman and watch "sissy porn". He used to date a trans woman before me, which I knew but I put it down to youthfull experimentation and recently things in the bedroom have become very different, involving pegging.
Is he gay? Or trans or just kinky?
When I read it all like this is seems obvious. I know people are going to think I'm stupid but I guess I've been blinded by love. I've been trying to be supportive and even going along with things in the bedroom because I don't want to hurt him or shame him but honestly I think it's ruined any kind of sexual attraction for me. Have I been a mug and made a family with a man who doesn't even want to be a man/with women? He said he isn't gay or trans but he seems to have a lot of shame about it and I think denial.
I guess I need unbiased opinions on what to do, bare in mind our child is a huge factor for me and breaking up his home is the last thing I want to do.

I don’t know and he probably doesn’t know but I can tell you from my experience that the peggng and the rimming - it can end up being all they want and it’s pretty depressing when your love life ends up revolving around an actual asshole. You want connection and you’re presented with an anus - it can honestly end up soul destroying. Just sharing my experience and no say saying it would be yours but I can end up being all there is. If it’s not your thing it’s pretty brutal. You can end up feeling very resentful.

Op I think he can still be a good dad without you being together. I think his behaviour will inevitably progress, and then one day he will turn round and say ‘yes, you’re right, I am gay/trans’ that could be 10 yes from now; your child would be much more aware, you would be older. For so many reasons I totally concur, it’s less harmful for your DC to end it now, amicably.

I think this explains the emotional consequences of ‘staying together for a child…’ op. Sorry PP, that sounds very tough. 🫤

He is coercing you in to sexual behaviour that you do not want to participate in. No matter how you approach it, that is unacceptable. That is not something a good partner would do.

Thank you. It was so, so hard to share that, it was really tough, I could still cry. I really appreciate your reply and kindness.

It doesn’t really matter what he is or isn’t. Personally it wouldn’t bother me if my partner was bi, trans or into pegging (plenty of straight men have also tried/enjoy that). It’s not weird or wrong. It’s just not what you’re into and you’re fundamentally sexually incompatible. You shouldn’t be doing sexual acts you don’t enjoy. On that topic, why do you think you shouldn’t put your happiness above your child’s? You should.

I would think very carefully about where he's going with this. It sounds like he is exploring areas of his sexuality that you are not comfortable with and even if you stay, he could end up leaving. You should never feel that you have to perform sex acts that you don't enjoy or feel comfortable with just to stop him looking elsewhere. You need to have an honest conversation with him and tell him how you feel. Ask him for complete honesty so you can both find a way forward. You can still both be loving and involved parents even if you're not together.

1000% this. I like men who are adventurous in this way and who are submissive, but you don't, so that's your answer.

Cross dressing men tend to have a paraphilia known as AGP.

Men with one paraphilia generally have another, it's a sort of sexual development of the brain. Once you cross that line then no boundary is off limits. He'll be looking at not only "sissy porn" mark my words.

Your problem is you're asking a group of strangers on the internet many of who clearly have their own agenda and are quick to fit your partner into a particular box what he is or what he identifies as instead of talking to the man you presumably love. Have the conversation with him about what he thinks and where he expects to take it. Tell him what works for you and what gives you the ick. The sexual preferences may or may not be an issue, but the lack of communication is likely to be an even bigger problem.

But the thing is, you aren't attracted to men who do like this, so even if he did hide it, you would still know that deep down, this is what he would really like, so you would still have the ick.

As for feeling bad that you are putting your happiness above your son's - well, your husband obviously has no such qualms. He married you and had a child under false pretenses and doesn't care that he is putting his happiness (in the bedroom at least) above yours. Your son will still be happy seeing his father. The longer this goes on, the harder it will be when it resurfaces years down the line when your son is a teenager and you have fewer options.

On a more selfish note, I would want to get out before your husband starts spending family money on stuff like surgery, hormones, hair removal etc.

I don’t think it’s a case of the people sharing their experiences having an ‘agenda’ it’s more that they’ve had an experience and their sharing that experience as they’ve been asked to. I shared my experience with no agenda. I want OP to be happy and safe and ok and I want that for her partner too. There’s no ‘agenda’ I don’t understand why you’d think that there was an agenda. It’s just sharing, quite fucking bravely, our experiences.

I mean, are you ready to be a ‘lesbian’?

My husband is very similar, though we've been married a lot longer than you guys and have more than one child.

It came up a couple of months into dating. For me it more turns me on, that it turns him on, rather than in it's own right, so it's part of our sex life, though not the defining feature if that makes sense. We do both like kink, though only interested in exploring that together.

We are really open about sex, sexuality etc and where there have been activities I'm not interested in, I just say so, but if he wants to explore those areas privately he knows I've got no issues with that. I don't want him to feel ashamed of have to hide that part of him away.

In 15+ years, he hasn't suddenly declared himself a woman (and he knows I think gender identity stuff is bollocks anyway), he hasn't progressed to dressing up any time other than sexuality in private. He has continued to be my beloved amazing husband, and a great dad to our kids.

I make no guarantees about your relationship, but just to offer you a positive view.

Taking care of yourself and your needs and removing yourself from an unhappy (and potentially toxic) relationship is not putting your happiness above that of your child.

You are an adult. It's up to you to model healthy and happy relationships for your son.

I don’t think it really matters what he labels himself or what you are trying to label him. The only thing that actually matters here is that he is interested in things that you are not, you shouldn’t feel you have to do anything you don’t want to do, regardless of whether that is pegging or a straightforward blowjob, nobody should be engaging in sex they don’t want to have. A label of gay, trans, or straight makes no difference to this in my opinion, he’s expressing his sexual preferences and you should absolutely be expressing yours, don’t do anything you don’t want to do.

Communication and respect are key here, as is consent. If I found something intriguing and asked my husband if he was interested in trying it then he absolutely knows he can say yes or no, either answer is fine, and vice versa. The issue is you are having sex you don’t want because you feel you need to in order to keep your partner happy, that is not okay.

This!

I had an ex who was into being pegged, he'd never been with a man or even kissed one (or so he said). Maybe he had and just didn't want to tell me (though I'm pretty sure he'd have known I'd have been fine with being bi/pan/exploring). We had a happy and definitely sexually fulfilling relationship.

He sounds more pornified than anything else and he wants you to act out his sexual fantasies with you. It would be a big fat no from me unless I had the same fantasies and was enthusiastically up for it.

I don’t think you should worry too much about analysing exactly what label you need for him.

If you’re not happy with ANY bedroom activity you should make it known. A decent partner would make adjustments for what you do or don’t like. That applies to all couples of all persuasions surely?

Delving into Trans Widows is a rabbit hole you may not wish to bother with. From what I’ve seen of them on here I wouldn’t waste time on the analysis. They also bludgeon you with ‘man hate’ unfortunately. Just my humble opinion of course.

Balanced, and very well said.

Thanks @CowTown . :o)

He is bisexual at the very least and possibly gay. I'm sorry OP, but yes you've been blind.

Please don't think you have to go along with his sexual wants. Don't listen to the 'kink-shaming' brigade. You are allowed to feel turned off by this and not want to partake in it. It's his sexuality, not yours.

Know that part of the thrill of dressing up as a woman is partly because they see women as submissive (which is they want to be), and also because of either inherent or cultural misogyny. He's learnt that women are 2nd class citisens and subordinate, and therefore it might be the height of humiliation (and therefore sexual pleasure) for him to dress as a woman in bed. Sometimes it stays in the bedroom, but sometimes it escalates more & more until they want to perform their fetish in public.

A wonderful partner would not subject their partner to sexual practices that their partner doesn’t enjoy. Either you’re a damned good actor in the bedroom and he thinks he’s a sex god, or he’s totally oblivious to your lack of enthusiasm (or he doesn’t care) and is therefore abusing you.
Bin him off. You deserve better.

When you say trans woman what do you mean? A man who still had his pecker or not?

She wasn't just looking for a name or label though was she??

My ex dh began like this. I wasn't happy and so he stopped.
Before i left, I found he was not only actively dressing but sleeping with other cross dressers for the past 3 years.
He's not transitioning, it's what he's into for sexual fulfilment

Our child was just told we found we'll be better off as friends and I'm much happier.