Is he gay? Or trans? Or just a submissive?

[Distresserlla]

Please be kind.
I've been with my DP for 4 years now, we have a beautiful 5 year old son.
About a year ago he told me that he used to enjoy cross dressing in private, he would dress up as a woman and watch "sissy porn". He used to date a trans woman before me, which I knew but I put it down to youthfull experimentation and recently things in the bedroom have become very different, involving pegging.
Is he gay? Or trans or just kinky?
When I read it all like this is seems obvious. I know people are going to think I'm stupid but I guess I've been blinded by love. I've been trying to be supportive and even going along with things in the bedroom because I don't want to hurt him or shame him but honestly I think it's ruined any kind of sexual attraction for me. Have I been a mug and made a family with a man who doesn't even want to be a man/with women? He said he isn't gay or trans but he seems to have a lot of shame about it and I think denial.
I guess I need unbiased opinions on what to do, bare in mind our child is a huge factor for me and breaking up his home is the last thing I want to do.

@Distresserlla I wouldn’t say he is gay like others I would say he he could be bi or pansexual and or he is straight and just that he has a kink or fetish, Which I would first want to establish which it is- I would say a kink is a desire which is a nice to have but you can function without but a fetish is more of a need to have to be sexually fulfilled. If it is the latter then you aren’t going to be able to fulfil that need, as you should not be put into a position where you are doing things for him which makes you uncomfortable. Kinks/fetishes should be mutually enjoyed and wanted and by the sounds of it they are not. I wouldn’t even say that he would transition some men just like to be humiliated/submissive as such. In this instance separation seems the best option for you and your child you need to be in an environment your comfortable with

@TinselAngel

I do not think he is gay, bi or trans necessarily. However, I agree that none of that matters. You should not be doing sexual things that are not mutually pleasuring.

It is ok to do things you are not that into, if you are enjoying the kick of giving pleasure, but if it does nothing for you, or repulses you at all, it will slowly erode your interest in sex. Your feelings for him, your self-worth.

It is too much to do to please anyone. Your child included. Your son needs a mother who is not being diminished.

You are not compatible.

He's a red flag, that's what he is.

What's that mean?

Of course it matters. It very much matters.

If he is gay or trans and she stops doing the sexual things that she doesn't want to do that only solves one issue.

He'd still be gay or trans.

The number of people jumping to the conclusion he's trans when it's likely a kink is staggering. She should be talking to her partner.

But that’s not what many of us said including myself.

1. never let yourself be pressured/persuaded/emotionally blackmailed into sexual activity you do not find enjoyable or pleasurable. This is your body, not his to do what he likes with.
2. he may be bi, gay, whatever. You both agreed to be in a monogamous relationship. If he changes those arrangements you are entirely free to remove yourself from the relationship. It will be due to him moving the goalposts and you do not have any reason for feeling guilty.
3. if his sexual proclivities mean that you are no longer attracted to him, then again you are entirely free to remove yourself from the relationship. again, it is he who is shifting those goalposts, so no need for you to feel guilty.

No but that's the clear agenda I'm referring to in the replies. You just chose to read it as a comment on what you'd shared. My point is she won't know what it's about without talking to him. We could all speculate, but if she truly want answers about what it's about only one person can give them.

He's the only person who can give them and we know that many of these men will lie and will play it down.

It's like when people suspect an affair and posters say to 'ask him'. I mean yeah there's a small chance they'll admit it but most will deny it even if they are.

Telling her to go straight to transwidows and leave him straight away rather than talking to the father of her child is clearly the rational response then.

He likes playing with dicks and things up his arris and watching men dressed as girls getting rogered by men. Confusing.

People these days dont "stay for the sake of the children" - I hope!

All the experiences of sad homes with parents gritting their teeth getting through it until their kids are 18 have surely shown this doesnt work.

Put your lifebelt on first OP and then you can help your son. Staying with this man will be the emotional death of you. And therefore your son will suffer more.

They are saying you are a troll

I appreciate that but sometimes I think people need to read the room and take into account the genuine vulnerabilities of the posters who have put themselves out there to try and help/share experiences etc even pre so on a post that isn’t an AIBU for example. Anyway, take care x

He said he isn't gay or trans but he seems to have a lot of shame about it and I think denial.

She has talked to him.

Please don't stay together for the sake of your son if you don't want to. It really is possible to separate and co-parent amicably and this is far healthier for your child than you being in a relationship that doesn't work for you.

OP you may find this documentary informative and relatable

Aw pet sometimes the tighter we hold on the harder it is to let go, I know its really hard to believe but he most likely is not completely heterosexual therefore you need to ask yourself is this the right relationship for you, based on what you've already said it is not and for the both of your sakes end the relationship you can hopefully remain amicable and co parent but if your checking out sexually it will not belong before it crashes badly due to needs not being met and I don't just mean with intimacy. It is OK to want more and not settle, allow yourself the freedom to ask yourself what you want in a significant other before you waste time and regret it

A friend of my ex partner, cross-dressed but he wasn't gay. He had a female partner (she was aware of the cross-dressing). Cross-dressing doesn't necessarily equate to someone being gay. However, if your partner had a relationship with a trans-woman (I guess she hadn't fully transited?) and is now in a relationship with you, then he's bisexual at the very least. I don't know enough of the psychology behind cross-dressing but it could be purely sexual or possibly a compulsion. Stop things in the bedroom that you don't enjoy doing. You are only doing them because you are frightened if you don't he'll go elsewhere. That's not healthy for you emotionally, and eventually you will resent him. You need a serious conversation with him, and to make a decision regarding your future.

I wish I was.

He's not trans, he's just a standard autogynophile (attracted to himself when dressed as a woman). Its insulting to conflate that with trans but, overwhelmingly common.

That and watching too much porn.

100%

If this was my life, the only action his arse would be getting would be a boot out the door.