Is he gay? Or trans? Or just a submissive?

[Distresserlla]

Please be kind.
I've been with my DP for 4 years now, we have a beautiful 5 year old son.
About a year ago he told me that he used to enjoy cross dressing in private, he would dress up as a woman and watch "sissy porn". He used to date a trans woman before me, which I knew but I put it down to youthfull experimentation and recently things in the bedroom have become very different, involving pegging.
Is he gay? Or trans or just kinky?
When I read it all like this is seems obvious. I know people are going to think I'm stupid but I guess I've been blinded by love. I've been trying to be supportive and even going along with things in the bedroom because I don't want to hurt him or shame him but honestly I think it's ruined any kind of sexual attraction for me. Have I been a mug and made a family with a man who doesn't even want to be a man/with women? He said he isn't gay or trans but he seems to have a lot of shame about it and I think denial.
I guess I need unbiased opinions on what to do, bare in mind our child is a huge factor for me and breaking up his home is the last thing I want to do.

I suggest you look up the trans widows thread on here and read up on how your partners behaviour echoes their stories and will undoubtedly escalate.

men who have sex with men are gay or bisexual.

He used to have sex with a trans woman aka a male. He is therefore gay or bisexual.

The only person who knows is him - and he might be too far in denial to be honest with himself, let alone you. Personally I'd run a mile, you're already doing things you don't really want to do in the bedroom. Where is it going to go next?

How do you have a 5 year old if you've only be together 4 years???

Is he your DC's father? Bit odd on timings - 5year old DC in a 4 Yr relationship. I think you got your timings wrong- amongst other things 😂

Sorry to hear this especially as you've a child. But I'd say "get out now".
Yes I know, not easy and perhaps not what you want or need in the short term, but it'll be the right thing in the long term.

Apologies I'm dyslexic and I mixed up the 4 and the 6.

Whatever “name” you assign him is irrelevant. Do you enjoy doing the sexual activities he wants to do? Are you sexually compatible in that regard? Are you still attracted to him? If the answers are yes, yes, yes…who cares how you label it? If the answers are no, no, no…leave.

About a year ago he told me that he used to enjoy cross dressing in private, he
would dress up as a woman and watch "sissy porn".

Unless you personally find cross-dressing and sissy porn and pegging and whatever else he wants in the bedroom a huge positive and turn-on (and you obviously don't) this means your relationship will become increasingly toxic. That's no good for your DC growing up.

You need to find your way out of the relationship and hopefully a way to co-parent your DS peacefully.

Or as the marriage guidance counsellor said to two friends of mine many years ago, one of whom was cross-dressing "why are you two even together?" as she firmly pointed them at the exit and got them to sort out how to raise their child with as little conflict as possible. They were at the stage of fighting over whether he could cross-dress in front of their child, among many other disagreements and fights.

You're not stupid. My friends weren't stupid either. They cared about each other and about their child and they honestly both thought they could make it work. But it wasn't working and they were better apart. (My male friend did transition some years later. Given your partner's history he is likely to do the same, and possibly sooner.)

No I don't enjoy these things

There’s your answer op. You’re not compatible and you are doing this you aren’t enjoying. This is extremely damaging and unhealthy for you :(

Do you think that perhaps he is trans then and will change genders eventually? It's so hard because of our child, I feel like by leaving him I'll be putting my happiness above DCs, DC loves his dad so much, and in fairness he's a wonderful father and partner aside from this.

He’ll still get to see his dc, and meanwhile you’ll get to keep your mental health intact, which is better for you and your child in the long run. No one should have to put up with doing things they don’t like, no one.

It's just our son I'm worried about, I'm afraid that by leaving my DP I'd be putting my happiness above DCs

He is a cross-dressing bisexual man.

Regardless of that, if you are not comfortable with the sissy-porn or cross dressing, then you are not a compatible. Its probably time to call it a day, if that’s the case.

The thing is I think if I told DP that I don't like any of it he would stop it all immediately, but I'm afraid then we would just pushing it under the rug for it to rear it's head again in a few years, everything I've read is saying that it's very compulsive and sometimes they have no control over it, and even though DP is a very honest person I'd be afraid it would just carry on in secret.

But why? Your DC would still see your DP, you're leaving him, not burying him in the garden. As long as you explain to your DC that they will still see Daddy all the time, and allow 50/50 (if that's what your DP wants and can offer), why would living with two parents who are separate but happy be worse than living with two parents who are together but unhappy and resentful?

He's just not for you. That's all you need to know. You don't need to change yourself to enjoy the things he does and neither does he. It's all about compatibility. You can still co-parent.

I can tell you he is dishonest and is at the very least bisexual. Dishonesty should mean it’s over.

If your DP loves your DC and he really is a wonderful father then even if you split up he will still be a good parent to him.

Your happiness can't be ignored. You are already doing things you don't want to do for sex. It's not selfish to decide this is not viable. There is no "aside from this" for you. Whether your DP was aware of it or not before now, he is gradually showing you more and more of who he really is.

Do you think that perhaps he is trans then and will change genders eventually?
Well, he might be a fetishistic cross-dresser (after sexual thrills) rather than someone who wants to live full-time as a woman or to physically transition, but there's still a lot of space for the cross-dressing and sexual fetishism to take up more time and space and is that what you want to live with?

I think if I told DP that I don't like any of it he would stop it all immediately, but I'm afraid then we would just pushing it under the rug for it to rear it's head again in a few years,

He knows you didn't initiate it and surely you're not faking wild enthusiasm? So he knows you don't like it but that only stopped him for four years and then he started trying it. OK, you can tell him outright and maybe he'll rein it in again for a while but as you say it's not going to last. It will erode your boundaries. That's one of the things I mean about it going toxic. He's just not brave enough to face the reality of who he is and what he wants.

OP, this isn’t a healthy environment for your child to grow up in. As PP said, do read the transwidow threads. If he’s always had these cravings, they’re not going to wear off. He can still be a loving father living apart.

@Distresserlla This must be a confusing place to be in with a SO. So, I can't imagine how you are handling it mentally and emotionally. If you feel like this is causing a great deal of mental distress for you, it would be best to do what is needed for your mental health/well-being and what would be best for your son's well-being as well. I don't want to judge him and his situation (because I have my own beliefs regarding the trans community and pegging). But I will say if you are uncomfortable with certain acts he is asking you to perform or his actions, then I think resentment could start to build, and there is nothing enjoyable about being with someone you are beginning to resent or have come to genuinely dislike. If you aren't attracted to him, then staying with him due to comfortability or because you have a child, will only leave you feeling empty in the long run.

As well as looking at the trans widow threads, I think you should visit https://childrenoftransitioners.org/ which is run by an amazing woman whose father identifies as trans. She talks very honestly about what she’s been through.

He's into cross dressing as a kink and possibly bisexual.
If he's attracted to you he isn't gay.
The point is if you aren't into the particular acts he'd like to do then you shouldn't do them. If you don't want it peg him don't. Sex is for both of you to enjoy.

He’s got porn brain.

What he is, is weird, and you are trying too hard to be cool about it.