New boyfriend keeps bringing up that I was on tinder when we first met

[Raddytin]

Met a man out at a gig around 5 months ago, at that time I was on dating apps, looking to meet someone. After around 2 months we decided to become official and I deleted all the apps then. In the time we were ‘dating’ I was on the dating apps but didn’t meet anyone (even for a month or 2 before that, I hadn’t had much luck on them. When we met he wasn’t on dating apps and said he had been taking a break from them after being on them for a while. Fair enough , we were in different places.
he keeps bringing up that he’s finding it hard “knowing I was on tinder when he was focussed on me only”. I’ve explained I wasn’t actively dating but we hadn’t chatted about being exclusive yet but I wasn’t actively looking anyone else and often this is how it goes at the start of a relationship before the chat about what’s going on.
he says he feels stupid as he didn’t know (until the exclusive chat) that I had even been on dating apps.
I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong? In fact even if I had still had a few dates I don’t think that’s wrong either but it just happened that I didn’t and I was quite interested in him.
I’ve told him I’m not going to let him make me feel bad for this when I haven’t done anything wrong and we could have easily met at a different time when he was also on dating apps.
am I being unreasonable? Apart from this it’s a lovely relationship but I don’t want to feel like I have to ‘defend myself’ or even explain myself when I don’t feel I’ve crossed a line

Just be very, very careful with this one OP. This may be innocent; but there may also be a level of manipulation here. Making you feel bad about something that you haven’t actually done wrong in order for you to feel ‘on the back foot’. That’s a slippery slope to all the issues in the relationship being yours- with him the ‘poor victim’ of your outrageous behaviour and you bending over backwards to make him happy.

Eyes wide open if you are carrying on with this relationship.

I missed this earlier op.

Truthfully that would be the end of it for me. That's incredibly controlling and manipulative behaviour. I'd literally text him that I was done and block. Don't waste your time on a red flag.

Not read the whole thread OP, but from what you have said, you know it feels wrong.
He is giving you every reason to call it a day.
I know it feels horrible to put yourself back in the dating pool, but it's better to do that than stay connected to this man who is likely insecure.
Please don't be tempted to behave in a way he would "approve of", you'd be setting yourself up for a life of walking on eggshells.
My advice would be to just tell him that "it's not working for you"you owe him nothing more...
Maybe give dating a rest for a while, and then go back to it with a fresh perspective and strong boundaries.
Take care

Exactly this!

He's waving that red flag in your face. You owed him nothing.

Honestly I'd dump him.

I had an ex like this who also always joked asking about my exes and if my parents prefered him. He was cheating the whole time of course lol insecure

Oh just tell him to get a grip. If he’s your only focus now, he needs to grow up.

You need to dump this "man".

Get back on dating apps.

Block him.

Relationships are not supposed to be this kind of hard work.

YYY

I don't like the sound of this. The whole world is on dating sites! (Not literally I know!.) He's picking any little thing and repeatedly trying to throw it in your face and make you feel bad. You did nothing wrong and even if you did,even in his head, you don't own a time machine an can't change it.
Look out for this behaviour repeating itself- and getting worse. I suspect it might. He'll randomly tell you he's been "thinking about it," an keep going on and on and on. If you see this happening- run.
Otherwise- tell him you've heard his concerns but won't be discussing it/having this conversation again.
Hope all works out well for you.

Oh my goodness. Just read this after I replied. This is how it starts. He's "got a feeling," "gut instinct," "doesn't feel right to him." Always over nothing, things you can't change/prove or things that happened (or didn't happen,) before you even met.
Please please please put a stop to this now. Keep yourself safe.

Dump. If he hasn't done already he will be asking about your sexual history next.

He's using your Tinder use as a weapon to demean and control you. That is not the action of a nice man. I would tell him to get over his whiney insecurities today and if he ever mentions Tinder to you again he's out on his ass. He's insecure, immature and likely a misogynist who can't believe a woman would stay on a dating app even one day after experiencing his golden penis. Or some such messed up nonsense. Not a keeper.

RUN AWAAAAAAY.

Until you are talking about exclusivity when you get to that point, whomever you choose to date is nobodies business but your own. Just because he wasn't talking to anyone else, doesn't mean you had to do the same. If he's getting hung up on that now over things when you weren't exclusive, then it's only going to get worse.

Get rid of him.

Must be so bloody boring for you to listen to time and again.

If it bothers him that much he can fuck off surely?

So there you have it, ....now having a problem with your friends and you going out.
He can't help it, its leaking out of him, the mean jealousy.

He's a controlling arsehole and i bet will be abusive.
You have been warned.

Agree with this. Seriously @Raddytin have you ever read up on coercive control or the cycle of abuse? I’m not saying he’s doing this yet but I’m saying his behaviour has red flags for CC all over it. Isolating from friends is a key sign. Doing you down by making out that you are somehow soiled by using online dating/that you’re inferior to or not as committed as him is also bad.

And even if it weren’t dangerous it’s boring. I had a boyfriend who found out I had briefly dated an old colleague (long story, I’d been told he knew before we got together but he didn’t) and literally he never got over it. What I was supposed to do about this complete non event that was in the past I don’t know. It made me feel crap that he “couldn’t deal with this” and it was not a solvable issue anyway. Of course he ended up cheating on me with a colleague! I do think sometimes scummy men judge us by their own poor standards.

Well I've been married for yonks and never used OLD but I can tell you did absolutely nothing wrong. IMO he didn't even need to know any of it, just that you were willing to be exclusive with him. He sounds insecure and controlling - that would put me right off him. You are not his property. He should be happy he has found someone he likes and be looking forward to the future, not dwelling on ridiculous details in the past.

I had my long term partner, now ex, start an absolute drama when out at a restaurant because he found out that the man I was with before him, who he knew from a hobby group, was not a one night stand but a six month relationship that ended when he went to work overseas. I didn't think it would survive so I ended it. That was before him and many years before he started this scene. It was all really odd. I'd told him that "I went out with Bill" but he'd never asked for details.

He sounds like a dick.

"he keeps bringing up that he’s finding it hard “knowing I was on tinder when he was focussed on me only”

And? Tough titties. That's his problem. Not yours.

This isn't going to get better.

Big red flag!! Totally normal in this day and age to stay on apps and even date more than 1 person in very early stages. Setting up profiles is a ball ache so you don’t delete yours until you are sure a relationship has legs. If you don’t date multiple folks then all you do is stop swiping until the new squeeze either works out or ships out.

I have been married nearly 25 years and find any kind of dating beyond “go to college bar in your best togs because the lad you like told his mate who told your mate that he was going” very confusing.

But my rule is “if the relationship is less than 6 months old and you are posting on mumsnet about anything other than a barely disguised smug humblebrag about how marvellous your relationship is then you should probably end it.”

OP - what happened on the weekend with your night out with your friend? I saw you said that you are pretty strong and are comfortable telling him he's wrong.... but you aren't leaving. And men like this LOVE these sort of women. You migt well claim not to listen to him and be able to stand your ground but... he's created enough of a niggle in your mind you're posting on MN to ask if you're right.

Trust me, this will only get worse. You should escape now while you still can.

Your boyfriend and some of the posters on this thread are lunatics, OP.

Nothing wrong with being on the apps until it’s confirmed you are exclusive with someone. And now he’s being funny about your friends too? Bin.him.off. Immediately.

Nah. Not good.

Setting you up for 'prove your innocence/loyalty/purity/affections' abuse merry go round where you can never find the right words to convince him. Because there aren't any. Because he doesn't want there to be.

Also can be used in his mind for him to cheat and say 'you did it first'.

Mysoginistic in a 'you're not allowed to look at other men even though we've only been on a few dates' kind of way. Implying you're some sort of harlot for it.

Imo it's enough to leave as it shows something very warped with his thinking. If you give any more chances, make sure that at even the hint if a second red flag, to call it a day.

The thing is though… he wasn’t actually all in was he.
He hadn’t said anything to you, that came later. So at that stage it was “All in his head”!