New boyfriend keeps bringing up that I was on tinder when we first met

[Raddytin]

Met a man out at a gig around 5 months ago, at that time I was on dating apps, looking to meet someone. After around 2 months we decided to become official and I deleted all the apps then. In the time we were ‘dating’ I was on the dating apps but didn’t meet anyone (even for a month or 2 before that, I hadn’t had much luck on them. When we met he wasn’t on dating apps and said he had been taking a break from them after being on them for a while. Fair enough , we were in different places.
he keeps bringing up that he’s finding it hard “knowing I was on tinder when he was focussed on me only”. I’ve explained I wasn’t actively dating but we hadn’t chatted about being exclusive yet but I wasn’t actively looking anyone else and often this is how it goes at the start of a relationship before the chat about what’s going on.
he says he feels stupid as he didn’t know (until the exclusive chat) that I had even been on dating apps.
I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong? In fact even if I had still had a few dates I don’t think that’s wrong either but it just happened that I didn’t and I was quite interested in him.
I’ve told him I’m not going to let him make me feel bad for this when I haven’t done anything wrong and we could have easily met at a different time when he was also on dating apps.
am I being unreasonable? Apart from this it’s a lovely relationship but I don’t want to feel like I have to ‘defend myself’ or even explain myself when I don’t feel I’ve crossed a line

You're too mature for him.

Both my nephews met their lovely wives on Tinder - in fact the celebrant mentioned this at the wedding that was held in Scotland. (A registrar conducted the other service in England.)

One couple are now the proud parents of three children: the other have two.

It’s only been five months and he’s giving you a headache. Time to remove him from your life.

I'll add that my nephews are open about the fact that they used Tinder because they wanted to find someone for a committed relationship. (I think one lad followed his brother's lead.)

Both couples are very happy indeed.

It's normal to keep your options open until you have the 'exclusive' convo. At which time you delete apps and stop going out on the pull.

But nit shagging them Id hope.

This, so much this. He needs to get over himself

He has either had an ex cheat on him, probably via an app

Or he is on an app himself and is paranoid you are because he's got a guilty conscience.

So I would ask him about the first and look him up on apps on the second.

Dump 🚩

I’m married so no dating for me (and thank God if it’s normal now to date multiple people at once) but have a few friends who are on Bumble and dating and if they’re seeing someone more than once they have always then came away from OLD and not gone on any other dates, that’s what I would do. If I’d gone on 6 dates with someone and they’d still been looking for other dates I’d not take that any further myself personally.

First date fair enough, second date even okay-ish, but 6 dates, 2 months and THEN deciding to just commit to getting to know 1 person is a no thanks from me

You haven't done anything wrong op, get rid of him if he is bringing a non issue up at 5 months, he wants to make you feel bad for some reason but has no genuine complaint.

This is a red flag. He's likely to be jealous and controlling.

How old are you both? Was he in a long term relationship before you?

I’m in a 20 year relationship and I haven’t ever OLD so the idea of dating, or being open to dating, multiple people at the same time is alien to me. I’d be quite put out if somebody had been on dating apps while we were getting to know each other.

If it is Tinder in particular that he has a problem with, I would be concerned he thinks you’re a slag for being on a hook up app. This misogynistic attitude is a big red flag for a future relationship.

There’s no way people are typically deleting profiles after 1 date. That’s very unusual in my circle of friends. Dating has totally changed now and dating causally is a big thing. I’m not a casual dater, hence me only dating this one man and not being active on the apps once I met him. I wasn’t looking for other dates as my first post said 👍

YANBU - if he can't let it go, let him go.

lol tinder isn’t a hook up app at all. I’ve met prior boyfriends of it too. Not ‘slaggy’ at all. You can tell you haven’t online dated. Plus he was on tinder before.

Oh and we’re both late 30s

Reminds me of my ex. We actually met on tinder so we were both on there.

Initially bliss... thought I'd found the one.

Then he started saying things about me being on Tinder (when we met), examples "I'm not sure if I want to be with someone that has been on tinder"
"My mates night have seen you on Tinder"
"I don't want to be with someone who everyone has seen on Tinder/been round Tinder"

Needless to say he was absolutely batshit crazy, controlling, coercive. This was his way of devaluing me... it was okay for him to be on Tinder though when we met 🤔 but I was a "woman" for being on an app such as that...

My advice- run as far as you can and quickly!

I met my bf on a dating app. I didn't delete my profile for a while after we got together but wasn't active on the site (I think I hid my profile).

No one is likely to delete their profile after a couple of dates but it doesn't alway mean they are active and looking for someone better.

I'd let him he has two options, 1. get over it or 2. end it now.

Please walk away, he will never forgive you for what he see's as a betryal.

Tell him you’ve done nothing wrong, you never dated anyone else and it’s a completely normal way to behave. Tell him that him keeping bringing it up is not normal. He needs to decide right now whether he can accept it and move on - because otherwise you’re going to walk away as it’s not something you will be apologising for. If anything he owes you an apology. Then if he comes back with anything to try to turn it back on you tell him sorry but enough is enough.

If you’re not a casual dater I’m confused at you still being on OLD when you’d been on 6 dates though? You also said you hadn’t been asked on any dates, and that you don’t see any thing wrong with dating more than one person at a time, so if you HAD been asked you’d have gone, by your own reasoning?

I did say 1/2 dates fair enough to still have the profile, but by 3, 4 and 5, you surely know you like that person and focus your efforts there?

I don’t seen anything wrong with dating more than one person. Just isn’t for me. Hadn’t deleted the apps and we hadn’t had the chat about where it was going yet. All totally normal dating behaviour in 2024. In fact, it would be a red flag if a date suggested being exclusive or deleting dating apps after meeting once or twice

😲
What a head fuck

OP, please listen to your gut.
He is not whom he seems, but he is waving a big red glag that you would be wise to listen to.

You did absolutely NOTHING wrong.
You were straight up with him.

But he has decided to focus on this and go on and on at you.
Trying to make you feel you betrayed him somehow.
This is who he is.
An ugly petty insecure little man.
ICKY.
It will always be some or other stick to beat you with.
Work, friends, family, how you dress, behave, something, anything to cut you down.

He is the type of man who leaves women shadows/shells of their former selves without ever really knowing what they did wrong.

The regret for getting involved with him will be profound.

He cannot be who he is without cutting you down, one chip, chip, chip at a time.

Get the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft, it will explain red flags and put you ahead of the game.

Jealous, controlling, manipulative, coercive head fxxk is likely who he is.

I wouldn't give him the chance to apologise or try an hide who he is.

Just be glad he showed his ugly self so clearly, so soon.

Batshit, and unhinged.

Do you really think this is healthy? Do people never learn