New boyfriend keeps bringing up that I was on tinder when we first met

[Raddytin]

Met a man out at a gig around 5 months ago, at that time I was on dating apps, looking to meet someone. After around 2 months we decided to become official and I deleted all the apps then. In the time we were ‘dating’ I was on the dating apps but didn’t meet anyone (even for a month or 2 before that, I hadn’t had much luck on them. When we met he wasn’t on dating apps and said he had been taking a break from them after being on them for a while. Fair enough , we were in different places.
he keeps bringing up that he’s finding it hard “knowing I was on tinder when he was focussed on me only”. I’ve explained I wasn’t actively dating but we hadn’t chatted about being exclusive yet but I wasn’t actively looking anyone else and often this is how it goes at the start of a relationship before the chat about what’s going on.
he says he feels stupid as he didn’t know (until the exclusive chat) that I had even been on dating apps.
I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong? In fact even if I had still had a few dates I don’t think that’s wrong either but it just happened that I didn’t and I was quite interested in him.
I’ve told him I’m not going to let him make me feel bad for this when I haven’t done anything wrong and we could have easily met at a different time when he was also on dating apps.
am I being unreasonable? Apart from this it’s a lovely relationship but I don’t want to feel like I have to ‘defend myself’ or even explain myself when I don’t feel I’ve crossed a line

The fact he's
" concerned " about you going out with your female friend and the constant bringing up the dating app....its not really a good sign.

I’ve been married 20 years and I’ve never done OLD and even I know that until you’ve had the exclusivity chat you’re free to do what you like, date whoever and however many people you like, and use whatever dating apps you like.

Maybe different people might want to have the exclusivity chat sooner than others, but until that talk has happened and you’ve both agreed you’re exclusive, you’re both free agents.

I do find all this multi-dating/not exclusive/exclusive stuff a bit confusing, but the OP’s boyfriend is behaving as if she was previously an escort, rather than OLD!

Dump him 🚩🚩🚩🚩
Go back on tinder 🙄

I don’t delete OLD apps for a few months after being with someone. I don’t actively check after going on a couple of dates but I don’t deactivate my profile. It can be a real hassle to set them up so I’m not that quick to remove them. I personally wouldn’t be chatting to other men once I’ve decided I want to see how it goes with one but that’s partially due to lack of time.
It doesn’t sound to me like you’ve done anything wrong and if he can’t get past this then he doesn’t see the right guy. May be an indication of future possessive/jealous/control issues.

I don't see anything wrong with how he feels about that, or about telling you. I'd acknowledge how he feels & tell him to spit it all out because after this chat you don't want to hear about it again.

remind him that you're in now & that's all that matters🥰

It is what it is & move forward. Then see if he shuts up about it or keeps on saying weird things (like about you going out with your friend). Regardless of being on tinder before, you could be going out on the pull this weekend if you were so inclined.

if he doesn't shut up about it, dump him.

I know! it's like 'oh give me some of your pearls of wisdom on modern dating, ye who met your husband at The Ritzy back in 1984'.

I'm mid 40s and completely out of touch with how dating works now - and freely admit it makes no sense to me!!

However his behaviour sounds like a potential red flag. You deleted the dating apps when you became exclusive and he knew this. If he was uncomfortable with the situation then he should have said so at the time - harping on about it now achieves what, exactly?

Making disapproving noises about seeing a friend who you happened to be hanging out with "when it happened" sounds dodgy as well. Very much like he's hinting that you should pull back from your friend so as to provide him with some reassurance. Nasty controlling vibes.

He needs to put up and shut up - or go his own way and find someone else who thinks he's such a catch they immediately cut themselves off from every other man! By the sounds of it he'd struggle though if this is normal dating etiquette now.

Dating is just getting to know someone and having fun nights out, it's not a relationship ffs. Perfectly fine to date multiple people.

Op, has this guy shown any other jealous or obsessive behaviours? It's a red flag that he keeps mentioning it, it's fuck all to do with him,

I think that many of us oldies thought that it was a hook-up app. It wasn't until my nephews met their long-term partners (now wives) that I realised that people went on there looking for a real relationship.

Id dump him. Be is making you frel bad for no good reason. He wants to mKe you uncomfortable going out with your friends. This one is bad news.

He sounds like a class Double Standards guy ... okay for men, but not women, to be looking for people to date.

Dump him.

There absolutely isn't anything wrong at all with dating multiple people in the early stages.

Men do it all the time they just don't like it when women do it.

Your instincts are spot on.

But this is his problem, not yours, and he is making it your problem and something you need to justify or explain or defend. When you find yourself doing that, you are on the back foot.
And then the comment about your friend and you being on the pull with her, again, this puts you in the position of having to defend yourself.
Really, it won’t get better.

Massive red flag here, OP.
Undeleted and dormant apps are not even close to being actively seeking.
Huge insecurity issue that will only get worse...sadly.

Ignore the people who have no actual understanding of being your age and using apps. Seriously, your boyfriend is exhibiting very classic controlling behaviour which will worsen. He knows nothing is wrong, this is a method of making you work for his approval and forgiveness continually. As someone who went through this and managed to escape eight years ago now, which has left her with PTSD, please take it seriously x

"My boyfriend was giving off funny vibes about this friend tonight and when pressed he said it’s because when I was last out with her he now knows I was on tinder at that time so he just feels ‘funny’ about her"

O. M. G. get rid of this psycho. He's quite the controlling jealous suspicious guy isn't he? Very adept at reading a whole lot of something into nothing. This is just the tip of this psycho iceberg.

He sounds needy. And just because OP was on the apps when she was first dating, and getting to know her now BF, doesn’t mean she was actively using them, her profile was just still on there. You need to be really firm with him OP, and tell him to stop going on about Tinder, as him being off with you, about your upcoming night out is a red flag in what should be the honeymoon part of the relationship. He’s being so judgemental about your friend, and your last night out with her, it screams unattractive insecurity. In a few months he will be banning you from having nights out with her if you don’t nip it in the bud.

I would feel the same as him.

I wouldn’t be happy that someone was basically looking for a better option, whilst I was focusing just on them.

I guess everyone’s different but when I start dating someone, I don’t carry on looking for anyone else.
I’ll see how it goes with them and then rejoin the dating sites if we’re not compatible.

But it’s in the past and it’s unfair that he keeps bringing it up.

If he can’t get past it, then he needs to end the relationship and I would be telling him this.

Where's @watchkeys ?

Ah it's depressing, it's like a never ending stream of blokes who don't want happy healthy relationships. Instead they want one where the woman is running around trying to placate him and persuade him of her worth. And he will simply make up something to be angry about to get that power dynamic.

Not posted for a few months now. Maybe banned?

🤣🤣🤣

I hope his insecurity doesn’t ruin a good relationship. I’d have the conversation again and then draw a line in the sand and reassure him and then never speak about it again x