Mum is ‘so looking forward to being a granny’ - but I need to seriously manage her expectations

[howtomum123]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been having counselling about my childhood from 2014, but pretty solidly from 2018 to the present (with the same therapist since then). From this, I’ve been unpicking that my mum was/is emotionally immature, insecure, self-centred, expects us all to put her needs, wants and emotions first, even when we were tiny children.

She lives about an hour away with my dad, and I live with DH, 10 minutes from his parents.

I’m 31 now and pregnant with DC1 and due any day now. She has made awful comments to me over the years, including around a MMC I had at the end of last year (repeated incessant phone calls when I’d said I wasn’t ready to talk; wanting to know about the scans prior to surgical management and saying ‘so it had died then’).

Back when I went to uni, it was that my then-boyfriend would ‘meet someone else and forget all about me’; conversely, she’d phone me every single day at the exact same time demanding to know who I was with and what I was doing, and she wanted a copy of my timetable and to put a tracking app on my ipad

She seems to genuinely expect access to my personal/medical information, e.g. when my midwife appointments are, what jabs I’ve had, and when I don’t want to share information with her, or if she happens to find something minor out from a family member, she absolutely hits the roof. The problem is that when we were growing up and we wanted to have these conversations with her about our health and choices, she would react furiously to us talking about contraception, and just neglected to tell us anything about periods or puberty at all.

She has lied about me to family members, telling them that we hadn’t told them when our scan would be (even though DH had), and also told me that she would come and ‘hijack’ my baby from nursery, which I actually spoke to the police about, on the advice of my midwife.

My problem is managing her expectations as I get closer to having my baby. Everything in my brain and body is screaming at me that I do not want her near us. There is a note on my hospital records saying that she is not to be allowed in or given any information about us.

She seems to think she was a wonderful mum (and that I’m an abnormal daughter/our bad relationship is my fault), and my dad has said that she is ‘so looking forward to being a granny’. He constantly constantly throws us under the bus - we’re ‘too sensitive’, she ‘doesn’t do emotions’, it’s just how she is etc etc, for the last 30-ish years. Since having counselling, I’ve given up hope that he’ll ever stand up for us against her volatile and unstable behaviour.

I can’t express how much I do not want her ‘being a granny’. How dare she think that she can lash out at us with her anger and silent treatment (days of it) when we were so small, neglect us or even abuse us emotionally and psychologically, lie about me to others, behave in such an intrusive and enmeshed way, and yet still expect a lovely cuddly ‘grandma’ relationship?

She’s hugely insecure about my relationship with MIL (who’s genuinely supportive and wants to support both DH and me as well as our new baby, whereas my mum seems to see the baby as a trophy or a toy and has no genuine interest in my wellbeing). She hates that MIL is only 10 minutes away, and has spread the idea within the family that I’m under MIL’s thumb and she is controlling me - actually, I decided to move here to be with DH and to put some healthy distance between me and my own parents. She doesn’t seem able to understand that I can and do make my own decisions - I’m an adult and have been for some time.

There’s so much more I could post (and have done in the past). This is already so long, I’m really sorry.

TLDR - how do I manage my mum’s expectations of what her involvement will be with my baby when she did such a poor job of raising us as a mother?

Thank you if you’ve got this far

As others have said, you'll be vulnerable after the birth - and she knows you'll be vulnerable then - that's why she's raising her game now, to seize power when your guard is down. I imagine that any nice (or indeed, nasty) thing that happens in your life is something she turns around to use to her own advantage, yes?

That's why I would NOT advise sending a letter! Anything you give people like that becomes ammunition for them - a little piece of your honesty that they can twist and weaponise and poison. And your protective instincts are telling you this about her, so no wonder you're feeling challenged, you don't want this predator near your precious little person... But take heart! This life transition can be used to your advantage as an opportunity to put up a few boundaries!

Get everyone you can on your team - DH, MIL, midwives, nurses and doctors, health visitors... And know that it is natural to feel upset and 'bad' when you're putting up boundaries, but it is not a sign that you're doing something wrong! If you write a letter to anyone, write it to yourself - be your own best support and remind yourself how far you've come, and that you are more than equal to dealing with this going forward. This can be a time of you coming into your power!

From the things you say on this thread, I bet you'll be a great Mum! Enjoy your life going forward on your own terms! 🤗

One option is to state very clearly to your DM and DF that the relationship is not one you are willing to endure or excuse anymore. When and only when they are both able and willing to explore their inappropriate behaviours and only when they are able to be honest about the toxic and emotionally abusive manner in which your DM behaves ( present tense) will you even consider an ongoing relationship with them.

Every time she flares up and he tries to tell you to accept it cut them short and say 'you know my boundary. You deal with your issues and then we can speak again' and hang up.

Just stop them in their tracks.

She feels she owns you and has rights over you simply because she gave birth to you. And she is incapable of any sort of self-reflection.
You can’t manage her expectations OP. It’s impossible. She will refuse to be managed and is totally unpredictable. You must get yourself prepared for that.

But you can manage your own expectations and have very firm plans in place for dealing with her so that she isn’t able to get through to you in any way unless invited.
You have had lots of good advice here.
Good luck with your new baby. I have a feeling that having your own baby in your arms will really give you clarity and strength to know how best to go forward as a good, kind mum, instead of as an abused daughter.

I agree. If you are sure you don't want her around then block her and change your number if you must. Let your husband deal with any fall out and you just focus on baby. Personally, I'd send a text first to say that you love them but you think their parenting has damaged you and you no longer want a relationship with them. Wish them well etc.

I've been in a similar situation with my own mother. It took a very long time to go fully non contact.
I think, for your own wellbeing and to not have complete stress for ever, you need to go non contact if you possibly can do. There's a thread on here called Stately Homes and you'll find your kin there with others who have similar experiences with their families.
I'm glad that your midwife knows the situation and they know to keep her away from you. Good luck with the arrival of your wee one.

Thank you, and thanks so much for all the posts here. It’s taking a frustratingly long time to go NC - I’ve wanted to at various points and haven’t fully found the strength to commit to it, although I am getting stronger. As a PP said, it’s the thought of losing my entire family along with my mum that’s the crux of the issue - my dad and sibling especially. Mum’s mum knows how difficult she can be (she’s borne the brunt of mum’s behaviour over the years too), but I’m not sure how NC would go down with her either.

I agree as well about potentially having reached the end of the road with that particular therapist. To try and be a bit clearer, I’ve not been seeing that therapist since 2014, but I think possibly I’ve made all the progress I can with her. We did do some EMDR which was amazing, but because I’m still in contact with my mum, I found its effect more limited than I think it would be otherwise - in a full NC situation, I’d go all in on the EMDR, because I can see how transformative it would be.

Thank you again for all the posts, including the ones frustrated that I’m still not NC. I’m frustrated with myself too but I’m getting there. Thanks for all your kind and also constructive posts.

Would Very Low Contact work better for you?

You can be in touch with your DGM and Sibling directly without having to go through your Mum.

But your Mum and Dad need to know a lot less about your life from you. I had psychodynamic psychotherapy - I knew I was going to talk about my mum but was surprised that I spent the first year talking about my dad. I'd had him as the 'good parent' when actually he was the 'enabling, anything for a quiet life parent'.

Please please get the book ‘you are not the problem’ it’s like pulling back the curtains and you will know with certainty what you have to do.

Please read it it will really help you I promise. It’s on Amazon, get it for yourself tonight and you will be stunned at what you have been living with all your life.

All the very best to you x

I’ve just ordered a copy - thank you 🙂 Helen and Katie’s podcast is so helpful and lots of the stories there resonate with my experiences.

Strength and solidarity to all of you who’ve been or are going through similar x

It was doing EMDR that gave me the final push to go no contact. The stuff that I didn't have a conscious memory of, but came up in subconscious memories, made me really acknowledge how awful my family of origin were.

I had to go nc withy mother nearly 13 years ago.

My dad genuinely expects me to put up with it - ‘leave the past in the past’, ‘it’s time to build bridges’ - but it’s always me who has to do the leaving or the building - they have never ever acknowledged or apologised for any of it.

The problem with this is that you're not banging on about one incident that happened when you were 14, it's a long term historic issue that is carrying on in the present day.

It's a pattern of behaviour on their part that you are simply powerless to effect in any way.

You can't build bridges with someone who burns them down.

Having gone through and going through similar this is the only advice I can give. I can’t go no contact but what I have done is accept that my family are not healthy people and have done lots to make sure that I am as healthy mentally and emotionally as possible. I guess you can say emotionally detach. They are what they are, people I’m not like and have no intentions of liking. I don’t bother listening, I take none of it personally, I visit zone out really, do what I have to then go. You need to take the emotion out of it if you can because they don’t care and will manipulate any of yours if you show them. Short, to the point boundaries and then don’t get drawn into anything. It’s really sad but if you want to go forward you have to come to an acceptance that it is what it is, some families are bloody rubbish. Not your fault we were just born to them. Make your life as amazing and wonderful as possible to make up for it, that’s what I do. Go towards those who make you feel safe and happy.

It's astonishing how one person's toxic character can derail an entire family.

Potentially four generations of damage in your case, as your grandmother knows what she's like, and you're trying to protect your own child from her.

And as for your father - he's a weak man who's probably been on the receiving end of it for so long he's built his own personal bunker and stays in there protecting himself from her, constructing his own version of the world to justify his failures.

I hope your husband has more backbone and will step up and support his wife and child, and that between you, you can break this.

Yes, you’re completely right. It’s awful the reach of one person’s poisonous behaviour.

My granny says she doesn’t know why my mum is the way she is - that she’s ‘wired up wrong’. I do know they’re not close and that mum didn’t speak to granny for about a year around the time I was born. I spent a large part of my childhood while my mum was working with my paternal granny, who was a real mother figure to us. So the idea that my mum would now get into state about my baby spending more time with his (stable, healthy) paternal grandparents is frankly ridiculous, but then all of her behaviour and insecurities are.

I’ve got in touch with a psychodynamic therapist this morning to find out more. I need to make more progress on this for my DC’s sake. My husband and I both need to have more backbone than my dad has/had.

I used to pity dad as a victim of mum’s behaviour iust like we were, but the reality is that he also had a parental responsibility to keep us safe from her. I just cannot imagine that kind of behaviour happening in my home at the hands of my child’s other parent and doing absolutely nothing to stop it - in fact telling my child that they were essentially in the wrong and needed to understand their parent more. It’s so fucked up.

My mother would put her own mother, father, all in-laws on the naughty step, going NC at times. Once her own children reached teenage years we suffered too.

It was a never ending merry go round. Because we moved around so much fleeting friendships with other women were spared.

My father did sweet fuck all when his family and children were the target. I couldn't comprehend it until I learnt about enablers.

Hi there.

I'm clearly late to this party, but want to say that I empathise with every single thing you have said about your mum. You and I could be each other.

Please read: Adult children of emotionally immature parents by Lindsay C. Gibson

She also has various youtube podcasts about this.

The problem IS our mothers. The tragedy for us is that they will never, EVER acknowledge or so much as see their part in the dysfunction.

Having a weak father, also in her thrall and scared for himself, is of additional damage, however lovely they might be.

I hope your birth went well and that you have managed to establish some boundaries.

All the best x