Mum is ‘so looking forward to being a granny’ - but I need to seriously manage her expectations

[howtomum123]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been having counselling about my childhood from 2014, but pretty solidly from 2018 to the present (with the same therapist since then). From this, I’ve been unpicking that my mum was/is emotionally immature, insecure, self-centred, expects us all to put her needs, wants and emotions first, even when we were tiny children.

She lives about an hour away with my dad, and I live with DH, 10 minutes from his parents.

I’m 31 now and pregnant with DC1 and due any day now. She has made awful comments to me over the years, including around a MMC I had at the end of last year (repeated incessant phone calls when I’d said I wasn’t ready to talk; wanting to know about the scans prior to surgical management and saying ‘so it had died then’).

Back when I went to uni, it was that my then-boyfriend would ‘meet someone else and forget all about me’; conversely, she’d phone me every single day at the exact same time demanding to know who I was with and what I was doing, and she wanted a copy of my timetable and to put a tracking app on my ipad

She seems to genuinely expect access to my personal/medical information, e.g. when my midwife appointments are, what jabs I’ve had, and when I don’t want to share information with her, or if she happens to find something minor out from a family member, she absolutely hits the roof. The problem is that when we were growing up and we wanted to have these conversations with her about our health and choices, she would react furiously to us talking about contraception, and just neglected to tell us anything about periods or puberty at all.

She has lied about me to family members, telling them that we hadn’t told them when our scan would be (even though DH had), and also told me that she would come and ‘hijack’ my baby from nursery, which I actually spoke to the police about, on the advice of my midwife.

My problem is managing her expectations as I get closer to having my baby. Everything in my brain and body is screaming at me that I do not want her near us. There is a note on my hospital records saying that she is not to be allowed in or given any information about us.

She seems to think she was a wonderful mum (and that I’m an abnormal daughter/our bad relationship is my fault), and my dad has said that she is ‘so looking forward to being a granny’. He constantly constantly throws us under the bus - we’re ‘too sensitive’, she ‘doesn’t do emotions’, it’s just how she is etc etc, for the last 30-ish years. Since having counselling, I’ve given up hope that he’ll ever stand up for us against her volatile and unstable behaviour.

I can’t express how much I do not want her ‘being a granny’. How dare she think that she can lash out at us with her anger and silent treatment (days of it) when we were so small, neglect us or even abuse us emotionally and psychologically, lie about me to others, behave in such an intrusive and enmeshed way, and yet still expect a lovely cuddly ‘grandma’ relationship?

She’s hugely insecure about my relationship with MIL (who’s genuinely supportive and wants to support both DH and me as well as our new baby, whereas my mum seems to see the baby as a trophy or a toy and has no genuine interest in my wellbeing). She hates that MIL is only 10 minutes away, and has spread the idea within the family that I’m under MIL’s thumb and she is controlling me - actually, I decided to move here to be with DH and to put some healthy distance between me and my own parents. She doesn’t seem able to understand that I can and do make my own decisions - I’m an adult and have been for some time.

There’s so much more I could post (and have done in the past). This is already so long, I’m really sorry.

TLDR - how do I manage my mum’s expectations of what her involvement will be with my baby when she did such a poor job of raising us as a mother?

Thank you if you’ve got this far

It sounds a lot like you have been thoroughly conditioned not to upset her/them. This is the time to do exactly that. Fall out with her. Piss her off. Tell her she can meet the baby when YOU say so. My mother was a lot like her, and I regret pandering to her so much.

Also maybe on a more practical note which seems to keep the peace (lots of people say go NC but that’s extremely difficult to do without cutting away from the whole family):

I go back to my home town once a week for an activity with DD which my mum comes along to to watch. Sometimes we’ll have a coffee afterwards.

Mum definitely wants more time with Dd but to the outside world she sees DD once a week and as we’re doing the activity she cannot grill me for personal information. As we’re in public she can’t kick off and if she starts to piss me off I can easily leave ‘got to dash, DD is starting to get tired’.

Similar here too but the fact 'd'm needs me to travel to her means my parents have zero relationship with my DC.
One thing I learnt early is to make sure they are never alone or on a call alone. Speakerphone is on 100% of the time otherwise they drill for information and do the 'granny loves you so much, mummy doesn't love you does she' like my mother did with dd at 3 weeks old.

My DC are very aware of the relationship I have with my parents and even they can hear in my mother's voice and tone whether it's going to be a good call or not. My mother plays the victim all the time but recently because I've been more likely to challenge and not accept the crap there has been more 'you're doing so well' which is a miracle but that might be because I pulled them up on it after they spent a calling telling me how they hoped DC would tell me they were dropping out of college and ruining their life like I did when we went on holiday, then how disappointed they were in me. They were very clear on how much I'd disappointed them. It actually worked as such a wake up call for me as I could hear the disgusting and disappointment in their tone.
Remember you are your DCs mother and you know what is best for her. You can say no visitors and no to them coming round - make up an excuse if you want and it makes it easier - maybe write a list of them before you have DC so when you're hormonal you will have something to use.
This time is special for you, your partner and your dc. Don't let her spoil it for you x

No no no - no letter she will love that, give her ammunition. You are not dealing with a person who will read it will say oh of course I realise now how awful I’ve been.

she thinks she owns you, you are there to serve she cannot see you as a different person.

“Everything in my brain and body is screaming at me that I do not want her near us.”

I think you need to respect that instinct and it sounds like the only thing that would work with her would be to cut her off. Your long term mental and physical health depends on you not overriding your inner needs to make someone else happy.

At the same time, she can’t possibly harm your baby the way she harmed you, because she’s only a granny, and having a horrible granny visit sometimes can’t cause the same devastation that having a horrible mum does. So this is more about protecting you than protecting your baby.

You deserve to be protected and to feel safe. I think writing a letter to both of them explaining exactly why you need to not see them unless they meet your terms - if there are changes they could (in theory) make that would make you want to see them - would at least give them the option of trying to understand and apologise and do better if they want a relationship with you.

Please, please learn from my mistakes and go NC now.

You will regret it if you don't. So, so much of this is similar to how things were for me, and that first year was awful. There is a protective instinct that comes with a baby, but there's a lot of vulnerability, too.

Get it over with now and protect those early days. I really, really wish I had.

Sending much love op, I could have written your posts word for word. Parents like this cannot see the wood for the trees, they absolutely can’t see that they are the issue and that their behaviour pushes you further away. Just like you I have her muted and archived. And the health prying too wanting it all to be public knowledge - we kept them in the dark over concerns in my last pregnancy. Apparently I’m emotional neglectful of her dispite her years of neglect…. Anyway like you I’ve moved away and keep at arms length. My dad like your just wants to bury it all and play happy families, I do love him so maintain some contact for him, he’s been seriously ill recently so that’s needed more contact. Her lack of concern for him (just how this inconvenienced her) became pronounced even to her friends who were shocked. I’m sorry op I don’t have much more advice than arms length, be vague and keep convo to the weather where you can. Lots of love

The reason you care so much is that placating your parents when you're a child is very important for survival.

Now you're an adult you have choices...

Sorry OP but the only way this will be manageable is for you to cut her off. There is no “managing expectations” with someone like this because she has zero regard for your wants and needs. She has shown you evidence of this your entire life. Even when you try to keep her happy and involved she tells lies about you. You can’t win.

You’ve had some great advice and support on this thread. Going NC is going to be better for your mental health in the long run but as others have said that may mean that you won’t see anyone else in your family so that might not be an option for you?

It’s sounds like you’ve had years of talking therapy, I’m not sure if you have been going weekly but 6 years is a lot. From personal experience EMDR was much more effective in healing from an emotionally abusive childhood. Might be worth looking into after your baby is here.

LC is not going to work with a person like her, she will always push the boundaries. You need to go NC, however hard it is for you.

This is a good answer.

I'd add "Sorry you feel like that" to the list, as a response to any kind of criticism or kicking off.

It was the birth of my first child that finally gave me the strength to go low contact with my Mother (emotionally abusive / narcissistic). I didn’t love myself enough to protect myself from her, but I suddenly refused to allow her to damage my child in any way. I hope this baby gives you the strength to do the same. It was the best thing I ever did.

You have 2 jobs: looking after your welfare and looking after your children's welfare.
The following are not your job or responsibility:

• Doing what your mother wants
• doing things so that your mother still looks good to the rest of the family or within her community.
• Doing things to make life easier for your dad
• doing anything that goes against your boundaries or makes you feel uncomfortable
• Making yourself available either in person or by phone if it isn't working for you.
• sharing more information about you or your children than you are comfortable for her to know.
• Keeping the secret or maintaining the facade of what she has done and continues to do.

I know the word 'narcissist' is considered to be overused by some people - but I have one in the family so I firmly believe they exist (albeit on a spectrum) and your mum sounds like an absolutely classic narcissist. There is nothing you can do with them other than go low contact. Physical distance is a good thing. You can't change their behaviour or make them see that they're being unreasonable - it's impossible, the 'main character syndrome' is far too deeply embedded and they believe themselves to be victims and not the other way round. Your mum sounds horrendous and I really feel for you being raised by her. Well done for going through counselling to deal with it, and good luck with asserting your boundaries when your baby comes along.

I'm going to say something that might be hard to hear. In this situation its really tempting to believe you have one good parent and one bad parent, but in reality you have one bad parent and another one that enables them.
Your Dad is as much a problem as your Mum, he did not protect you then and he won't protect you or your child now. You don't have to forget anything that was done to you, or facilitate either of them.

OP i had a similar childhood experience to you. Whilst in therapy I wrote my Mum a letter explaining how i felt about the choices she made when i was a child and the impact they had on me. Could you consider this? I had no expectation of outcomes (and she made it all about her of course!) but it made a big difference to our relationship because it gave me permission to reset with stronger boundaries on my terms and it let her know without doubt that I had the measure of her. I still have a relationship with her and she has not really matured emotionally but it feels more balanced. She is also a plane ride away which helps😉.

From outside looking in, and I know your anxiety will be high.

You have the advantage, big time. You know and recognise her dysfunctional behaviour. Therefore you can mitigate.

Make sure you are on the same page as your husband. You'll be vulnerable for a while and will need strong boundaries with both of you agreeing.

I think the most important thing for now is this.

Plan, what's happens if xyz happens, what do you both want as new parents. How will you manage this.

I'd suggest a ring doorbell that's flagged to your husband's phone and doesn't ring inside the house.

You can use this to screen visitors. It's always better if the person screening visits isn't the person inside the house.

Make sure everyone in authority knows that no info is to be given out to anyone but you and your husband. Including GP, health visitor, hospital.

Define your boundaries.

Your baby has you, and you will protect them. So don't let her batshittery ruin what should be an amazing time for your new family.

Another point that always works is to get a newborn sling. If you are expecting to visit or meet up, wear the baby.

Congratulations.

Respectfully, I wouldn't do this - it'll just be used as a weapon against her. Her mum isn't going to read this and go 'oh my god I was actually an awful mother I am so sorry', it'll just entrench her view that her daughter is an ungrateful monster.

Protect yourself and your peace of mind first. If that means not telling your mother information going forward and leaving her out of things, that is 100% ok.

Please read People of the Lie by M Scott Peck. It changed my life. I'm now extremely low contact with my mother to preserve my sanity.
So should you be.

I echo this - but also wanted to say how sorry I am that this happy time for you is also raising this in your life. I wish I had gone LC or NC with my narc mother but was so conditioned by her and enabling dad that I kept trying to please for years and it took a long time to realise I didn't need the snide comments or the validation by someone who didn't protect me as they should. There will be many times when you will be reminded of that you should have had from your parents but didn't get which can be very distressing - each time my children moved into a different phase I was reminded of things that happened but your MIL sounds lovely and someone who can support you as you and your baby deserve. This new beginning is entirely on your terms. You don't owe her anything - she has negated any right to expect contact by her behaviours.

There’s a Facebook group you might find useful - Necessary Family Estrangement - if only to see that you’re not alone in this.

You do need to look at this from the outside. You are so worried about this woman that you have called the police for advice. Is there anyone else that you can imagine maintaining a relationship with in that circumstance?

I’ve had no contact with my father for ten years. It was only after I became a mother that I felt so, so angry about it. How dare he be such a terrible father? How dare he treat a child the way he treated me? Having your own children makes you look at your relationship with your parents in a different way, and if that parent was terrible, sometimes becoming a parent yourself is the catalyst for you really seeing the truth of who they are.

I had a mother who was abusive and had severe mental health problems. I went NC which was the best thing to do. If you have to have any contact (like an emergency), do grey rock technique. I then worked on forgiving her to bring me some peace….and what I mean by that is learning not to let her behaviour bother me and not to ruminate on how I was done wrong in the past. You went through pain growing up, you don’t need it now, and neither do your DC.

Stick with your MIL and build a relationship with her. Your child will have a wonderful grandma. I wish you well.

I would say it sounds like you've done some great groundwork with your counselling, you know to put these boundaries in place etc.

The one thing that jumps out at me is whether you need to speak to those other family members who are telling you about the lies spread and explain that you no longer need to hear what your mum is saying about you. I think you should also stop talking about your mum to your dad. Then there's no chances for him to jump in about her.

It sounds like you need to just drop the rope and step out of the drama triangle.

Also, make sure your husband tells everyone she isn't allowed in when you are at the hospital!