Mum is ‘so looking forward to being a granny’ - but I need to seriously manage her expectations

[howtomum123]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been having counselling about my childhood from 2014, but pretty solidly from 2018 to the present (with the same therapist since then). From this, I’ve been unpicking that my mum was/is emotionally immature, insecure, self-centred, expects us all to put her needs, wants and emotions first, even when we were tiny children.

She lives about an hour away with my dad, and I live with DH, 10 minutes from his parents.

I’m 31 now and pregnant with DC1 and due any day now. She has made awful comments to me over the years, including around a MMC I had at the end of last year (repeated incessant phone calls when I’d said I wasn’t ready to talk; wanting to know about the scans prior to surgical management and saying ‘so it had died then’).

Back when I went to uni, it was that my then-boyfriend would ‘meet someone else and forget all about me’; conversely, she’d phone me every single day at the exact same time demanding to know who I was with and what I was doing, and she wanted a copy of my timetable and to put a tracking app on my ipad

She seems to genuinely expect access to my personal/medical information, e.g. when my midwife appointments are, what jabs I’ve had, and when I don’t want to share information with her, or if she happens to find something minor out from a family member, she absolutely hits the roof. The problem is that when we were growing up and we wanted to have these conversations with her about our health and choices, she would react furiously to us talking about contraception, and just neglected to tell us anything about periods or puberty at all.

She has lied about me to family members, telling them that we hadn’t told them when our scan would be (even though DH had), and also told me that she would come and ‘hijack’ my baby from nursery, which I actually spoke to the police about, on the advice of my midwife.

My problem is managing her expectations as I get closer to having my baby. Everything in my brain and body is screaming at me that I do not want her near us. There is a note on my hospital records saying that she is not to be allowed in or given any information about us.

She seems to think she was a wonderful mum (and that I’m an abnormal daughter/our bad relationship is my fault), and my dad has said that she is ‘so looking forward to being a granny’. He constantly constantly throws us under the bus - we’re ‘too sensitive’, she ‘doesn’t do emotions’, it’s just how she is etc etc, for the last 30-ish years. Since having counselling, I’ve given up hope that he’ll ever stand up for us against her volatile and unstable behaviour.

I can’t express how much I do not want her ‘being a granny’. How dare she think that she can lash out at us with her anger and silent treatment (days of it) when we were so small, neglect us or even abuse us emotionally and psychologically, lie about me to others, behave in such an intrusive and enmeshed way, and yet still expect a lovely cuddly ‘grandma’ relationship?

She’s hugely insecure about my relationship with MIL (who’s genuinely supportive and wants to support both DH and me as well as our new baby, whereas my mum seems to see the baby as a trophy or a toy and has no genuine interest in my wellbeing). She hates that MIL is only 10 minutes away, and has spread the idea within the family that I’m under MIL’s thumb and she is controlling me - actually, I decided to move here to be with DH and to put some healthy distance between me and my own parents. She doesn’t seem able to understand that I can and do make my own decisions - I’m an adult and have been for some time.

There’s so much more I could post (and have done in the past). This is already so long, I’m really sorry.

TLDR - how do I manage my mum’s expectations of what her involvement will be with my baby when she did such a poor job of raising us as a mother?

Thank you if you’ve got this far

It is much easier to see from the outside looking in though so don't give yourself a hard time

Thank you @OriginalShutters, and for your other posts too - sorry, I will go back and respond to them properly.

Yes, I think part of me is still frightened of her, but I can feel that part of me shrinking as time goes on, especially in the last year since my miscarriage. It’s really helped me to see both of my parents for what they are, even though that’s painful.

Always reverse the situation to test for reasonableness.

What efforts would she make to ensure you're comfortable with your new baby?

Therapy is useful but no amount of understanding her will make her understand you. If you're worried she'll die and you'll never make her understand her effects on you or you yourself, then that's going to happen anyway.

Look at your life, fit your DM in it. Your brain uprisks things you think about most, so try not to think about her. Concentrate on your DP and newly-minted DC and your lovely PiLs.

"If I try to withdraw quietly, she lashes out and her behaviour escalates - that’s exactly how 2018 started, with me trying to quietly go LC"

This is your perfect opportunity to then set a boundary. You can't change her, she won't make this easy but she is clearly the sort of selfish person who will do something completely out of order and then try and gaslight you into feeling you are in the wrong. You need to step up and be firm in the face of her bullshit. If she lashes out and escalates simply put the phone down on her. Use phrases like these.
"Mum, I won't to be spoken to like that anymore"
"You are being unreasonable lets talk when you are able to be a bit calmer about this"
"It's not a plot against you if I haven't shared date of an appointment with you, what are you worried about Mum?"
"I don't really want to talk about that now"....followed by silence on your part
"Mum if you are going to persist with this interrogation I am going to leave"

Let her shout and scream and be a total cow. Remember that isn't normal, respectful adult behaviour and then walk away head held high knowing you are finally putting the boundaries in place. If your Dad starts co tasting you just repeat again. "Dad, I'm sorry you feel that way but I'm not prepared to be spoken to that way" or "If Mum wants a relationship with me and baby then she will need to learn to be more respectful of me, she's said some very concerning things recently such as threatening to take my baby from nursery. I know you love her but I think you have lived with this unreasonable behaviour for so long you aren't able to recognise how inappropriate some of it is.

@OriginalShutters re. your parents wanting a different kind of daughter, I can totally identify with that too. My mum has called me ‘cold and unfeeling’ (because I stopped responding to her behaviour by crying - she always used to be able to make me cry, but I detached enough that that no longer worked, which really enraged her).

She’s also come out with ‘normal daughters would…’, but gives no thought to the idea that she wasn’t a normal mum.

I’d separate your lives as much as possible, in a kind of phasing out, I’d get a new additional phone number and start motherhood with that, and leave her with only the old number and the phone kept in a drawer that you can see messages when you are up to it. I’d never have her in my house. I’d offer to go over with husband and baby a week after the baby is born and then push back another week, wear your baby in a sling so it can’t be passed round for cuddles. If she turns up at the house, refuse to let her in, say you have germs and aren’t up to visitors. Occasionally go over to your parents house, say for Saturday or Sunday lunch but leave if it’s all too much.

You need to go NC. Immediately! I honestly don't know why you've kept in touch with her, at all. You should have wiped her years ago. Whatever you do, NEVER allow her to have any relationship with your child. She is too dangerous and could seriously harm your child in some way. Go NC.

I just read your other replies. Send a final letter and if she escalates, call the police to speak to her.

I don’t think you should write her letters or give explanations. Just move towards low manageable contacts.
Plan, plan, plan what you are going to say her and when.
Practice short unemotional answers e.g for the offer to come : No thanks.
and practice to ignore her behaviour .
If she sends too much texts : Sorry can’t reply now.
If she’s asked what you were doing: Just lots of stuff.
If she moved to annoying questioning : Sorry mum, have to go now.
I also think that you need to talk the approaches through with your DH so you are doing the same.
Ignore your Dad he is in for a quiet life.

You need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Do not write them a letter; a letter no matter how carefully worded will be seen by them as an attack and thus used against you.

Is your therapist helpful at dealing with your fear, obligation and guilt?.

You have to let go of any and all residual hope that they will somehow change and say sorry. It will not happen. They have not fundamentally changed over the years nor have they apologised; not that they ever would anyway. You owe both of them nothing, let alone a relationship, here. You have physical distance already, now you need far more mental distance.

Do not let them into your child's life under any circumstances. The truism applies that if parents are too toxic/difficult or otherwise batshit for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for the child too. Have firm and consistently applied boundaries; do not contact them directly and do not invite them over. If they turn up unannounced do not answer the door. If they bring gifts for the baby take those to the charity shops.

She's your Mother so it's hard for you but logically you know she'll never be the person you want her to be Op, she'll ruin the time with your newborn and try to take over. Be strong and don't listen to the emotional blackmail, she ruined your childhood, don't let her ruin your babies

A hard no to visiting them in their home; on their territory they will really kick off.

This.
Being someone's parent doesn't automatically grant you rights to their children.
All the best with the birth. 💐

That’s so true - I often end up thinking that there’s no way I’d have tolerated years of this from anyone else, but because it’s my mum and I’ve been ‘trained’, basically, to put her first in everything, I’m overcomplicating things. The long and the short of it is that she’s not a stable or healthy person, or pleasant to be around.

That's the problem isn't it?

In some ways we should accept less shit from our parents because they should love us unconditionally & not be giving us any at all.

What is FOG

What relationship do you want between your baby and your mum? If none then cut contact now before you give birth

I think what is worrying me about your posts is how much headspace you’re still giving her and her behaviour, rather than your own responses to that behaviour. Could you tell your therapist you’d like to focus for the next while on centring yourself, and how to focus on your efforts on not devoting so much emotional energy to your parents?

Change your number, block her on everything and go no contact. If she starts harassing you call the police. Don't tell anyone when you go into labour that could possibly tell her, change your hospital if it would cause you less stress. It's time to protect yourself and your child.

I'm so sorry, love. Some people have failed and don't accept it and those around them enable their delusions. Sadly that's your parents.

Absolutely, those protective instincts will kick in - but you'll need protecting too through a vulnerable time.

Being so close to your great MIL is going to be a great benefit and support to you.

Nurture that relationship!

Has M started making noises about being in your delivery room?

I'd say don't tell her your real delivery date, don't tell her you're in labour.

This is YOUR child. You decide who they see.

If they are spreading rumours and lies, I'd send a clear message round the family about the truth, responding to the lies.

All the best to you

I agree NC or very LC.

How involved was her mother when you were babies?

@howtomum123 And when you get home from hospital, make sure you keep your door locked so she cannot just walk in. if she can see into your house, get some blinds put up. put the buggy where she cannot see it. if she can look through your letterbox, get a cover for it. pretend you are out. dont answer your phone. you do not need this. sometimes you have to leave your family because they are not always doing you any good. x

I could have written your post 6 years ago. My parents are exactly the same. I went LC for many years starting about 8 years before DC came but it ramped up her behaviour. When my children were born it went up to a whole other level I couldn't have imagined, so went NC to protect my children. My dad couldn't see what was wrong with the way she behaved and refused to have contact with me without her.

You need to set clear boundaries now before your child is born. It's much harder to do after you have just given birth, when your mother is in overdrive and you don't have the time or energy to deal with it because you are rightly fully concentrating on your newborn.

Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

The tools that people use to manipulate others, especially in close family relationships. the old "but you only have one mum" nonsense trotted out by those with emotionally healthy mothers that never abused them.

I have a very similar mum. I put in a fair amount t of distance between us since becoming an adult. I deliberately picked a university as far away as possible without leaving the country.

She had a vision of her being the saviour grandma who would be our rock and supporter.

She 100% believed that she needed to be in the delivery room. In a way this worked in our favour as we could set our stool out quite early on that she would not be there. If she kept pushing it, she wouldn’t be told the hospital.

If anything since having DD (she’s one now) our relationship has became civil but distant. She’s moaned/cried to other members of the family that she feels like the ‘great aunt’ but she no longer says anything to me as after all these years I’ve found a backbone. For the first time in my life I’ve been able to look her in the eyes and tell her no. And if she doesn’t like it/accept it/push it we’ll leave/she won’t be asked to visit again.

Give very vague answers/debriefs I.E. everything went well with the midwife, no need to meet again until nearer the middle/end unless there’s any problems. Parking is daylight robbery so we moved the car after the appointment before going into town. How was Susan’s birthday?

If you get shit about not telling her the appointment time beforehand give a sarcastic answer ‘Did the midwife not send you a permission slip?/oooh maybe you could have sent me with some pocket money to get some sweeties on the way out for being a big girl’.

My Dh has a similar mum (more narcissistic than mine) and he now fills her in with the most trab information - sends her a picture of a pack of new golf balls ‘different brand, shall see if they improve my game’

Four years of therapy and you still seem obsessed by your mother?!
Stop unpicking and focusing on her. Quite honestly you can't allow yourself to be a victim all your life. You are in charge of you. Does she make you happy? No. Is she likely to make the little one happy? Likely not. So you set the boundaries that would make you happy.
No need to be horrible to her, but you absolutely do get to say what role she plays in your life.