Selling my house - a sign of commitment?

[UnhappyP1990]

Hi all,
My partner and I are at bitter logger heads about this. I'm going to lay out the facts of the argument.

Context. We have 2 kids each. I have a house. He has a house. My mortgage £500ish. His over £1000 per month. Equity around the same.

He believes selling my house, is a sign of 'commitment' with us seeking to buy a new house together. He wants to sell his.

My view him pushing me to sell my house, is to satisfy his own insecurities. He wants me not to have any way out.

We've discussed this a million times. He repeats it's about fairness and commitment. I would contribute equally to the new house, and rent mine out. In my head what he is saying by commitment, is me not having any way out, if things don't work. Ultimately I'd be stuck with him, in a huge house with no savings and a £1300 per month mortgage

Is there a right or wrong here?

You clearly don't want to so it's wrong for you.

I agree with you. Renting your house out first to see if things work is sensible.

He is showing his true colours so you shouldn't move in with him anyway.

He's trying to coerce you to become dependent on him. Why would he be doing that?

I agree with you. Rent your house out so you still have your own asset and security. It’s also about having an inheritance for your DC as well.

Id wonder why he’s pushing so hard for you to not have that security away from him tbh.

So, I told him I was going to post it on here... and his response was "mums net is going to have entirely female point of view so very unlikely to back me"

I also agree with you. Don’t leave yourself vulnerable, protect yourself financially and don’t be talked into something you are uncomfortable with. He needs to accept and respect your decision.

You have bigger issues at play here!

@CornishTiger - what do you mean?

I agree that you shouldn’t sell your house. Why don’t you each rent your houses out and then rent something together as a trial to see if living together works?

Having said that, you think he is someone who is trying to coerce and trap you, so why do you want to be with him at all?

I wouldn’t do what you’re proposing but that’s because of CGT and the undesired responsibilities of being a landlord, not because I agree with your partner’s stance.

I think that what you do with your assets is up to you as long as it causes him no financial harm. Same for him!

I’ve had a similar conversation and have stated I won’t be selling. He’s ok with that. No pressure my choice entirely.

In my area I’d easily cover the mortgage with re tal
income and have spare

Bitter arguments?

Why would you consider moving your children into a house with a man that you are having bitter arguments with?

He wants you stuck.
That is a huge red flag and the sign of a controlling and potentially abusive man.

Your children are depending on you to have more sense here and not blow up their lives.

Good men do not want you out of options.
Bad men do.

Blending familiar is a very very stressful thing to do.

He is already trying to manipulate you.
Do not do it.

I would not trust him as far as I could throw him.
You clearly do not know the real him and his real agenda.

Do not be one of those mothers who destroys their childrens childhood and housing security for some man.

Your children deserve better.

He has admitted it.

That he wants you do do something complete against yours and your childrens best interests and MN will point that out.

He is trying to coerce you into being stuck without options.

Dont be fooish.

Why would an entirely female point of view be an issue? People will pick the side of an issue they think is correct regardless. If he's after a show of commitment ask him if he'll be putting you on his mortgage / deeds etc.

Taking all gender out of it - I'd never recommend a friend to sell their property that is their security for them and the children, on the advice of a partner who wants a show of "commitment". Commitment is moving in together - regardless of renting your house out. It sounds like your partner doesn't want you to have an easy way out of the relationship!

If it helps, tell him I showed my DH this thread and he agrees with the majority of posters - he's got a d*ck so perhaps your partner will take his opinion seriously.

@TTPDTS - I'm not sure why a female heavy view would be a problem. I did ask him, he didn't provide me with a response. So I remain unsure.

Funny enough he said his mother agrees, we should both sell.....

What a shocker, his mum agrees with him 😂

He sounds like he is putting pressure on you to agree with a decision you don't want to. Does that sound like the actions of someone who loves and respects you?

You are very wise not to sell your home.

Keep your financial independence and assets separate. You are protecting your children's inheritance and safeguarding your own future security. Anyone who truly loves and respects you wouldn't want you to compromise either of those things.

I'm confused - are you both putting the same amount of capital into the new house? If yes, and you can still afford to rent your current house then I don't see an issue.
Or is the problem that if you keep the existing house, you both can not buy a house size he thinks you need with four kids...is that the issue?

@HappyTwo - He's admitted it was never about money. Purely, 100% about MY commitment to the relationship

@UnhappyP1990

Tell him your mum has said unless he gets your name tattooed on his neck + back of his hands and shaves all his hair off then he's not committed to you.

When red flags flap in your face, don't ignore them.

Don't make yourself vulnerable.

Keep your house and the rent will pay your share of the new mortgage, especially if you have another DC as your income will be lower.

You’re both in good position as you have a house & security for your children. What’s the rush to move in together?

So you need to prove your commitment? What’s he doing to show his?

I’d suggest to him to post on MSE forums, a less female heavy response, but one which will also come to the same conclusion!

If you wanted to sell your house, that’s one thing, but trying to claim it’s some sort of “commitment” is a load of crap, and is rightly making you question the relationship.

If you can contribute equally to the new house without selling, how would you have no savings if you sold your house?

Would you own the new house jointly and equally?

Do you want to move in together, and how do your children all feel about it?

Have you considered the tax implications and other costs of renting your house, and is your mortgage likely to go up when your current rate ends?

Does he seem like the kind of guy that wants a bigger better house but can't afford it alone and so wants you for your money?

These things all matter - but mostly what matters is that he is behaving like an entitled arse. And you shouldn't give up the security of you and your children for an arse.