Selling my house - a sign of commitment?

[UnhappyP1990]

Hi all,
My partner and I are at bitter logger heads about this. I'm going to lay out the facts of the argument.

Context. We have 2 kids each. I have a house. He has a house. My mortgage £500ish. His over £1000 per month. Equity around the same.

He believes selling my house, is a sign of 'commitment' with us seeking to buy a new house together. He wants to sell his.

My view him pushing me to sell my house, is to satisfy his own insecurities. He wants me not to have any way out.

We've discussed this a million times. He repeats it's about fairness and commitment. I would contribute equally to the new house, and rent mine out. In my head what he is saying by commitment, is me not having any way out, if things don't work. Ultimately I'd be stuck with him, in a huge house with no savings and a £1300 per month mortgage

Is there a right or wrong here?

So I agree with that pov.

BUT I’d add that, if you’ve never lived together, then no way I would 100% commit to someone wo having a clear idea how blending the two families would go.
It would be a crazy idea both for you and him (and your respective dcs)

Peacocks spread their tails, bowerbirds feather their nests, he should worry about his ability to attract you not your sacrifice for him.

Very good comparaison there @pikkumyy77

I don’t like the brinksmanship involved in demanding OP “prove” her commitment with a financially risky move. This feels like a form of “negging” in which the bf tries to guilt or shame OP into a choice which is financially disadvantageous and also personally unwanted.

“Not love, quoth she, but vanity sets love a task like that.”

This man is financially incompetent and improvident. He is also emotionally manipulative and uses high pressure tactics (social pressure, public pressure, shame, highly emotional language, threats that he will consider OP has failed the imaginary commitment test) to get OP to throw away her financial security.

And of course he is planning to enrich himself at her expense. Commitment is just some strangely inappropriate term here for blindfolding onself and jumping off the cliff. A suicide pact is also evidence of commitment but we don’t valorize or romanticize it.

You do right to prioritise your and your DCs’ housing and financial security over a man.

If his DC are with him a chunk of the time, his desire to go “all in’ is also a bad sign about his parenting and priorities IMO.

his behaviour doesn’t bode well for his ability to handle step parenting / a blended family.

I read your op and was going to say that maybe if he has to sell he feels it's unfair you don't? Whatever the reason your updates, and the fact that you don't actually want to live with him mean it's a hard no. Moving in with someone should only be done if you're sure. You're not. So you don't. And it sounds as though you're happier without him, so run. And don't look back.

It makes me so sad that he is emotionally manipulating you into giving up your security.

How old are your DC? Honestly you put them first and tell him you aren't putting them through a house move and living all their time with you in a step family.

So many successful loving partnerships are with separate homes.

Tell him you are giving up work to be a full time sahp to your own DC and as a show of commitment he can financially support you all, you won't see him for dust.

More seriously please do not give up your home, your and your DC security for this cockwomble, even if his mother does agree he's the second coming. He's relying on you to improve his quality of living and most likely dump his childcare into you.

Don't buy a house either this guy. Don't move in with him. You don't want to and your instincts are good.

If he chooses to interpret that as a lack of commitment he will just need to decide if he's happy staying with you on those terms or not.

100%.

Also OP "He simply doesn't listen to how I feel". This is the honeymoon period where he should be trying to convince you this is a good idea. If he is like this now how much worse will it get once you're essentially trapped/financially tied in. Honestly don't give in.

If you are fully aware of him wanting you not to have a way out you should absolutely be getting out !

Sigh... If you do this you will be back here in 5 years asking if you are being financially abused and saying that his control has escalated.

Don't waste your life, please!
Get out while you can and move on.

Tell him to sell HIS house to show how committed he is to you.

i would rent my house out for a couple of years at least.

His Mum says so?
In that case get it on the market tomorrow

He sounds like a manipulative, coercive, waste of space and bully. Protect yourself and your kids. Run for the hills.

If I were in your shoes; it would be either we both sell or neither of us sells.

The one that doesn’t sell has an asset to fall back on which will only increase in value whilst bringing in at least some kind of rental income.

However, there are financial implications when buying if one of you keep your current home, you will be liable for second rate stamp duty which has increased again since the budget.

Buying at £600,000 ( based on your current t mortgage payments I’ve used this as an estimate ) would cost you an EXTRA £30,000 in stamp duty if one of you kept your current property.

Have you ever lived together? I’d never buy a house with someone I hadn’t lived with long term. Renting one house and living together in the other (or rent both and rent a third place together) is the most sensible thing. Dh and I were married and living together 13 years before we bought a house together. It’s a huge financial and legal commitment, and having seen family members go through a relationship breakdown shortly after buying their first home together, no I don’t think it’s wise. I think any man looking at this neutrally from the outside would agree.

The problem is, he wants to. But op doesn't and I don't blame her!

You have two kids of your own. Definitely do not sell.

The fact that he doesn't understand why that's important to you makes me think he's not the best choice of partner (and maybe not the best parent either?)

My ex wanted me to give up my home to show my commitment. I couldnt talk about my worried as that meant I didn't have faith in him.

He's currently on court bail and waiting for trial for domestic abuse offences against me and it was super hard to leave because I had nowhere to go

Why do you need to ‘prove’ your commitment? Why doesn’t he believe that you love him?
He is deeply insecure and the kind of man who once you agreed to this would soon find another test for you to prove. It would be endless and he would always be insecure so you can’t ever reassure him because he’s not wired that way.
He sounds like hard work.

Sounds like a total win-win situation for him and lose-lose for you! I'd tell him that all this talk of commitment has got you thinking and you've realised he's right and you're not committed so he's had a lucky escape thanks to his great insight and intelligence and you wish him luck for the future!

He wants you to fund his life.

This is about your MONEY, not your commitment.

Get rid of this man, he will destroy your children and your life.

For your children's protection, get rid of this man asap.

You are a shadow of your former self, because your gut has been screaming at you to protect yourself from him.

It’s nothing about commitment, it’s about him being financially better off by moving in with you.

youve said it yourself, you are a shadow of the woman you were 18 months ago. Get rid of him and find your happiness again

I agree he's shown you who he is believe him

Then don't do it!!