Selling my house - a sign of commitment?

[UnhappyP1990]

Hi all,
My partner and I are at bitter logger heads about this. I'm going to lay out the facts of the argument.

Context. We have 2 kids each. I have a house. He has a house. My mortgage £500ish. His over £1000 per month. Equity around the same.

He believes selling my house, is a sign of 'commitment' with us seeking to buy a new house together. He wants to sell his.

My view him pushing me to sell my house, is to satisfy his own insecurities. He wants me not to have any way out.

We've discussed this a million times. He repeats it's about fairness and commitment. I would contribute equally to the new house, and rent mine out. In my head what he is saying by commitment, is me not having any way out, if things don't work. Ultimately I'd be stuck with him, in a huge house with no savings and a £1300 per month mortgage

Is there a right or wrong here?

This. I read through and there were so many things I wanted to respond to but this post sums it up so simply.

if this is your reality then he has worked on you to make it so; I would guess, gaslighting you, coercing you, belittling your opinions or you yourself; just for starters. Please don’t move in with him. He will take you to the cleaners. Stay separate, stay independent, and if you can, end the relationship. You don’t need this.

Throw this one back.

He doesn't value women's opinions. He's literally told you that with the response he gave you.

He doesn't respect your "no" about what you do with your house. Can you trust him to respect your "no" in bed?

Fuck That for a game of soldiers.

@UnhappyP1990 NEVER give up your home .
It’s madness.

From the OP you sounded sensible and from updates I kind of agree with your partner that it’s about your commitment. You don’t really want to move in together at all, you’d rather have your own space and independence, which is completely fair. I’ve been with people who see my independence as a con not a pro, and it’s so draining. There’s no way I’d be selling my house to buy one with someone I’d never lived with before, especially if he thinks living with someone else will make his life easier which, even in the best relationships, is rarely the case

Oh, hell no, OP! Do the Freedom Programme, protect your children, your sanity, and your finances and break up with this twat. Yesterday.

What is the 'commitment' he is insisting you must show? Because it sounds like the commitment is to improving his life and finances. He is also committed to improving his life and finances, his family is committed to improving his life. Not a single person is committed to improving YOUR life or your finances, especially not him. If he cares about you then why is he so insistent that you must disadvantage yourself to prove that you want to be in a relationship with him. What is he doing to prove that he wants to be in a relationship with you?

Release him back to the dating market so that he can find the wealthy doormat that he feels he deserves.

I don’t think
it’s a question of being not committed to the relationship.

Op’s home is an asset. It’s her choice to keep it or not. and yes it our idea a safety net. Not a chance would I give that up.

The pressure hes putting you Under is a big ref flag.

This.
He doesn't see people as people, he sees them as men and women.
He views life as a kind of 'battle of the sexes'.
In his head, men are not equal to women and you are not equal to him.

This too.
Read it again: What benefit would there be for your children to move in with a man and his children?

And don't just think about numbers of bedrooms.

It's easy for him to bleat on about how "committed" he is to your relationship because buying a home together is all to his advantage. If you want to buy together, and can do so without selling your house, then go for it. But it sounds as if you're not convinced that is what you want. Do you actually want to prove your commitment to him or are you OK as things are? Do you want less entanglement with your finances and living arrangements?

This man makes me feel very uncomfortable and unsafe. Please don't sell your house, and actually reconsider your whole relationship.

Have you been together 18 months?

How old are the children?

There is no objective right or wrong here

It's not right for you.

That is clear.

Don't do what you don't want to do.

The more someone pushes you to do something you don't want to do, the more you have to ask yourself what their agenda is.

Your instincts are screaming at you not to sell your home for a reason. It would be pure madness to do something as huge as move four children into a blended family with no way out of it doesn’t work. Even if you and he shared the most healthy, committed, perfect relationship in the world, it would not be right for any of your children to be put in an emotionally high risk situation with no get out clause.

He isn’t desperate for your ‘commitment’, he’s desperate for someone else to take responsibility for his finances and children. He also needs to recognise that a woman’s view is quite valid considering it’s a woman who he wants to live with.

Personally I would stay where you are. Just because you’re a partnership you don’t have to stay in the same house. He is trying to boss you around far too much. I would hate this. See how it goes!

How long have you been together, tell him you won't be living with him until the youngest of your kids has moved out and even then you will keep your home and rent it out so you can move back if you want., See his reaction,

@UnhappyP1990 Oh OP I felt desperately sad reading your posts. It does sound like you are a shadow of your former self.

Take a step out of this situation for a moment and imagine one of your children was you and their partner was putting the same pressure on them to do what they wanted. They've come to you and voiced all the concerns you have, what would you say to them? would you want this situation for them?

If the answer is no then you know what you need to do to free yourself.

Don't ever compromise who you are to appease someone else because he sure as hell wouldn't do the same for you.

Tell him.
"Not going to happen in the foreseeable, do what you like with your house. Commitment is about people not bricks dnd mortar. So let's drop this. If you can't drop this then my answer is no, we should go our separate ways"

What else is there to say on the subject?

Very telling he’s worried about a “female” point of view - so he is coming at it would say of a “male”
view of wanting control and dominance

i would be rethinking the relationship

Can't be,I've you even think he has a point. He is trying to trap you, as he wants someone to look after his kids

Have you even started to read the step parents board about blending families. Or actually, that families don't blend and it is best to stay in your home home until the kids have all left home property ie they are all at least 30 years of age

Just read your updates - I see he wants to financially benefit from you

u don’t think you are committed to the relationship and frankly I think that’s a good thing

dirch him and enjoy your lovely home

I think this is an impasse no one is right and no one is wrong

if you were 100% committed why need a safety net of old house to fall back on

common sense tell you no guarantees with anything do having a safety net is the right and sensible thing to do

no help I’m afraid

I wouldn't sell my house. If a new man couldn't accept that, next.

When you have experienced the pain of a relationship ending, it's hard to give up what you fought for. For some reason he can't understand and accept your point of view.

What exactly do you see in this man who is emotionally blackmailing you into getting his own way?

Massive (and bizarre) red flag. Commitment is something he should be demonstrating to you not demanding you demonstrate to him.

That is because each of you is only responsible for how you act. Commitment is what you freely choose to do. Not an exaction or a transaction.

Peacocks spread their tails, bowerbirds feather their nests, he should worry about his ability to attract you not your sacrifice for him.

please dump this man now. he will only get worse, a relationship shouldnt ever make you feel like a shadow of your former self. this has run its course and its time for you move on and if you have daughter's lead by example. dont move your kids into a home with a man whos coercing youm bad with money and makes you feel a shadow of your former self. you are worth more and deserve more than this.