Selling my house - a sign of commitment?

[UnhappyP1990]

Hi all,
My partner and I are at bitter logger heads about this. I'm going to lay out the facts of the argument.

Context. We have 2 kids each. I have a house. He has a house. My mortgage £500ish. His over £1000 per month. Equity around the same.

He believes selling my house, is a sign of 'commitment' with us seeking to buy a new house together. He wants to sell his.

My view him pushing me to sell my house, is to satisfy his own insecurities. He wants me not to have any way out.

We've discussed this a million times. He repeats it's about fairness and commitment. I would contribute equally to the new house, and rent mine out. In my head what he is saying by commitment, is me not having any way out, if things don't work. Ultimately I'd be stuck with him, in a huge house with no savings and a £1300 per month mortgage

Is there a right or wrong here?

@VaddaABeetch - I'd happily not move in together. Which is probably why he wants me to sell so much. I quite like my own space. My house is my sanity! My disposable income is better living separately. There little practical benefit of me moving in with him.

He's sexist. It does sound like he's trapping you. What benefit would there be for your children to move in with a man and his children?

Tell him your house is your pension and financial security so it's not up for discussion.

Christ Almighty, why have you not dumped and blocked him already?

I cannot say this strongly enough - Fuck That.

Well then don’t. Tell him you want your own space. If he can’t accept it, it’s a pity but on him.

@TwistedWonder - a question... I've never thought of. He's an obsessive guy. He can only see me atm. Nothing beyond.

@BrakesOn - lots and lots of questions I'd thought about but haven't yet got all the answers. I hadn't fully sat down with a mortgage advisor beyond knowing I'd need to remortgage and lift equity out of my house. That aside he knows nothing about money, financies or the ins and outs of renting/buying ... so these aren't barriers to his thinking.

He is definitely a guy that wants more than he can afford. He struggles month to month with his current mortgage. He knows his outgoings will be lower in a new house, particularly with me selling and porting my mortgage - as my rate is super low and was locked in for 5 years. He knows he can afford much much more alongside me, it helps I earn slightly more but I'm much better financially than him.

If you are worried about having a way out then you are not committed to the relationship. He is right on that. But you are also right because you shouldn’t be doing anything you are not entirely comfortable with. Maintain the status quote for a bit longer to see if your feelings change.

Yes, there is a right; he is wrong.

Do not sell your house. Keep it. Maybe live in it without him. Or, some arrangement that suits you, as long as you don't give up that asset and security that you have for you and your children.

So he is bad financially.

You like living alone

You are financially stable

you suspect he wants you in a position you don’t want to be in so you feel trapped and it’s harder to split, should you ever want to.

Honestly, I don’t live with Dp. Likely never will. At least while my kids are at home. I have my own home. Earn more. Have more assets and more financially stable than Dp. He is in a fine position. But mines better.

And Dp respects my feelings. He doesn’t guilt me into doing things so his lifestyle can be better with talk about how it’s the only way to prove commitment. I love him. He knows I love him. And because he loves me he wouldn’t ever want me in a position where I don’t want to be with him but feel trapped and that it’s too difficult to stay.

This bullshit he is spinning you is full of red flags.

So how are you going to tell him its a hard NO from you then @UnhappyP1990?

I would not consider moving in with him. I would not sell my house.

I would be re-considering whether I even wanted to keep dating this guy, given all your updates.

Another female pov here , but my bf has just moved in with me and I ve encouraged him to rent his flat out and not sell .

Why wouldn't you both keep an out if needed

OK, what on earth are his good points? I'm not seeing why you'd move in with him at all from what you've posted. I'm struggling to see why you're with him at all.

Yet another thread about a shitty, coercive man who wants to control his partner.

Gender is irrelevant. You don’t want to sell your house so don’t.

In a loving, mutually respectful & functional relationship you’ll both find commitment doesn’t have to be proven.

@Wednesdaysdrag - I have tears in my eyes reading your message. The truth is real. Sometimes I question whether my independence is the problem. I question whether actually I'm being too hardened and not considering his feelings over my practical nature.

I question my whole existence some days.

Your message is so comforting, that there are good people (men) out there. That I'm not wrong for having doubts and questioning a man who behaves in this way. I feel guilty and sad most days, that I'm just being a cow.

This post was a last resort for me. As I started to question myself, as to wherher I was actually wrong for feeling the way I felt.

@HunsandRoses - the reality is I don't know. I've voiced how I feel until I'm blue in the face. He simply doesn't listen to how I feel and just repeats it's about my commitment. Then he gets his family on his side. It was never about me not being committed. Yes, I've had doubts, doubts about his charector and ability to really sustain a healthy happy family life, but i agreed to move in, even with these doubts. I'm a shadow of the independence woman I was 18 months ago.

"I'm a shadow of the independence woman I was 18 months ago."
The last line tells me you need to dump him now.

You, sensibly, want an escape route. He, for whatever reason, sees that as having one foot out the door from the start. It’s hard to see what the compromise is here, it’s quite a fundamentally different way of seeing the same thing.

It doesn’t sound like you need to live together for financial reasons. In fact, your share of the joint mortgage would be more than your own is now, while his would be a third less!

Basically - you aren’t willing to buy together on the terms he wants, he may or may not be happy to continue living separately. If he’s not, that’s sad but it’s better the relationship ends than you feel coerced into a set up you aren’t happy with.

Its over OP if you’re completely honest with yourself.

He’s repeatedly ignoring your boundaries abd trying to coerce you into doing what’s right FOR HIM. Please don’t move your DC into this man’s home.

Tell him that the answer is no and you’re not going to discuss it any more and seriously consider if this is a relationship you want to continue.

So many red flags with this.
Keep your house and your independence, really.

I have been there. Definitely questioned if I was ‘too independent’ and whether it was the problem.

But since meeting Dp, who is the first man to not feel threatened by my independence, the first man to not want to try and take it away, the first man to not make me feel bad for being independent, I have never been happier.

and what’s amazing is the rest of my life has got better too. My career has taken off. I have more hobbies. Do things just because they make me happy even if others think they are silly. For the first time I feel like I can be me. And don’t have to be ashamed and hide it or question it. And my kids are mid teens and an adult. They think dp is great, though we don’t spend lots of time as a 4, but they are more confident, happier and content.

This man is no good for you and he is trying take away from you. Not just financially. But emotionally. He wants to knock you down for his own benefit.

Whoa - following your updates, why on earth are you with him? He's a prize for someone else to win!

So dump him. He sounds horrible. Don’t worry he’ll find some other poor fool to torture.

im guessing you’re in your 40s? Do you need this hassle in your life.

Then stay living in your own house. Why would you make yourself (and your children) worse off?