Most men working in Finance or Law in city of London are narcissists?

[PoliteEagle]

I am dating with an intent to find a serious relationship. I live in Kensington in West London and most of my local dates are finance or law guys. While they are very successful, their personalities are let's say ... difficult. All of them either had full blown narcs traits or at least being very selfish. A friend of mine says they are all like that and I should skip any guy working in Finance or Law and dont waste time with them. I will remove lots of people from my pool by doing so, but my experience so far confirms her words.. Would you agree that most men working in Finance / Law in city of London are narcissists and not really suitable for a relationship?

Whilst I know plenty of decent and normal men in finance and law, they all got married young. So yes I think you are left with quite a few players and narcissists past age 30-35. I have dated a few of them- all in law or finance- mainly divorced and in their late 30s/40s and I am probably now an expert on narcissism and sociopaths.

Honestly I came on here all ready to be indignant (as a lawyer with many friends working in law or finance). But actually I think you have a bit of a point.

I trained at a City law firm ('Silver Circle' rather than Magic but still a massive, successful international firm with a focus on M&A and banking etc). Thinking about it, the people I remain friends with from my trainee days (I was part of an intake of around 50) are almost entirely those that either went inhouse or went into areas of law like property, IP, commercial etc. The trainees (both male and female) who qualified into the corporate and banking teams were almost universally egotistical twats 🤣. Not sure narcissist is the right term but definitely very full of themselves and 'big personalities' (not in a good way!).

I actually think the OP has a point too (and yes, the nicer, more family minded ones are more likely to be partnered up). I do have a lot of lawyer friends, but as pp said, mostly those who have gone in-house, smaller firm etc. I actually had dinner recently with a man who was still in City Law (amongst a group) and as the night wore on he did start to get more opinionated, full of himself etc…gave me flashbacks! The men are used to having a high status dating wise and I think it affects them (together with the money-orientated cut-throat environment). I am surrounded by STEM men these days and I find them much less obnoxious as a whole.

I was thinking the same too about age. In any given pool, whether it's lawyers or engineers, residents of Kensington or of western Sheffield, the ones who don't have obvious problem traits are liable to be snapped up quicker than the ones who do. OP mentions looking for a wide age range of 30-45, but even then it's not a representative sample of the group she's looking at. It's a representative sample of the single ones.

So I think all she can do in that situation is widen the net. Hell, maybe even move area? I partnered young, but I think if you're finding you can't meet the people you want to meet where you live, maybe it's time to think about whether it still suits you.

OP sorry for the harsh responses you have gotten, I think you sound lovely and haven’t taken the bait and responded in like.

Personally I am married to a man in IT and he is absolutely a lovely partner but NOT ‘alpha’ whatsoever. I had to pursue him but once I did he very much responded back and then became much more active as the pursuer (this pursuer language sounds odd, but you get what I mean). I think perhaps you should adjust your thinking around men needing to be more aggressive in approaching you, and try being the one doing the approaching. I know that’s easier said than done but considering you aren’t finding success currently, nothing to lose by trying? You don’t need to totally change your personality type, just done hold back if you fancy someone.

These people are probably attracted to ambition and success too. This may be your problem.

lol

I mainly know those working in insurance, they are generally slightly geeky very clever sort of men, with the odd jock type underwriter.

It is much more difficult to do than say. I don’t think I will be able to be aggressive in dating. I know that British born ladies are go after they want and heard many relationships started with ons where a girl initiated. I will try to do what I can but I don’t think I will be able to be full on

How did you make it clear? Did you ask him out yourself?

You don’t have to be full on. Compliment something about him. Men don’t tend to compliment women they aren’t interested in so when a woman does it, they tend to assume you’re interested in them. ‘That shirt looks really nice on you’. ‘Your cologne smells nice, what is it?’. ‘I like your hairstyle, it really suits you’. Etc. That opens the door and you are initiating but it isn’t OTT. Btw I’m not British-born, I’m quite shy and quiet but this works and is more natural for me to do than ‘Hey here’s my number’ or ‘Want to get a drink?’, which I’ve never done.

You seem able to be quite aggressive on here, OP, with anyone who doesn't tell. you want you want to hear.

It's actually kind of fascinating. You're talking about men putting on a face at work that will hide their real (narcissistic selves) so women who work with them won't know. I would imagine if what we're seeing here is your 'real self' you'll be hiding that, both with your colleagues and on dates?

I have to say, I'm a bit confused - in your other thread, which we're not supposed to bring up, you were wanting an investment banker. In this one, you seem to be saying it's all you attract and they want to date by geography? I agree with the PP who says you might be finding the ones looking for a hookup rather than the ones who are looking for relationships. As I said, my DH is in city law and most of our friends are in law or finance and live scattered all around London.

I wonder if you would do better meeting someone more organically. Is your consulting law or finance-adjacent? Do you go to professional events or conferences?

not gonna engage with you, i think i was clear in my previous post, I am not interested in your opinion. Thanks

OP - I was in consulting myself. Did a brief stint in investment banking. And in my experience - most of my female colleagues ended up with someone in the same field, or met partners while doing MBAs.

If you are in one of the big consulting firms - I’d not dismiss dating colleagues. Its not the same as dating a colleague when you work in an office 9-5. You probably spend very little time in the actual office.
I think consultants are a good mix of smart/ambitious people while being less obviously alphas.

I’ll qualify my earlier post by saying - I still don't agree with judging all men in hedge funds, PE and ibanking as narcissists.

However - I think the ones in that field that are not paired up by mid-30s are rarely looking for women in similarly demanding careers. Even in consulting, most of my male colleagues were dating women with less pressured careers.

Well educated, ambitious and hard working professional women are not necessarily the first choice of men with the same CV. And intimidating to many men outside of professional circles.

So - your best bet is to meet someone organically - through work, professional circles or at alumni events.

@jsku - you offer very solid advice but I genuinely think it is helpful and works if you are in your late 20s. My friends are early 30s to 35-36 and haven’t met anyone through work/professional organisation or alumni events in the last three-five years. The only men they were able to meet to date were either through hobbies or OLD (none ultimately successful for a long term relationship). I only know one person who met their SO at work after 35 and she has had to settle in a lot of ways. As well documented on another thread on MN, professional women need to look beyond those in finance/law/consulting if they didn’t get paired up at university or the early years of working in the City.

Yikes, that's a feature of their personality to make poor choices and use people so they ruin relationships long term.

There are lists with the most professions that the personality disordered are attracted to, law and finance appear.

I see no reason whatsoever to date locally. London is easy to travel across. You’re giving yourself a huge headache and an unnecessary problem.

Bluntly most men (and women) who are wealthy and aren’t married or in a serious relationship leading to marriage by 30 have something wrong with them. You will often need to pick through the trash sometimes but as someone who works in Finance I can confirm that there are some extremely wealthy and nice guys in the industry but ‘their something wrong with them’ often manifests in an intense fear of online dating / attracting gold diggers / external issues with family or self-esteem. If you want to meet them you need to go to the right City of London gyms / make the right connections.

Yes, I know. You asked a question and anyone who doesn't fall instantly into line with answers you like is not to be engaged with.

Like I said, you might look closer to home for narcissistic tendencies.

Adding: why bother asking a question if you aren't interested in opinions and/or advice from both sides?

Wow. You paint them all with the same brush? Maybe you just aren't great at picking men.

Sorry but IT guys are rarely in the same league... :).

They tend to have very different personalities so aren't really comparable.

I work in the city and IT guys aren't really the same as CF, traders etc.

And there are banks and there are banks.

IT is so broad anyway and those people are rarely under the same pressures or have the same drive.