Mum is dying and I've only recently realised she js a narcissist

[Spoonweather]

I know the advice will be to get some psychotherapy and counselling and I will do but this past few months I've realised my mum is a narcissist and it is very tough.

Had a difficult childhood with a fair amount of emotional neglect from mum in particular, made to feel that I was never enough, there was no interest at all in me on a personal level only what she could use to show off about me (was often told by other people that she had been talking about my achievements etc). Felt very lonely and would burst into tears if adult teachers tor example showed any personal interest in me as didn't have that at home. Constant feeling of not meeting approval, always taking others sides over mine. Not enough medication for my chronic health condition kept in house. Disappointed I didn't go to oxbridge and become a doctor etc.

Have always been a bit vulnerable because all of the above, am a major people pleaser really wanted love etc. I feel sadness I didn't have the sort of relationship so many others have with their parents. If I call home even now - not v often - am told I should have emailed instead. Constantly feeling I should back off and mum has more important things to do. Dad is gentle soul but always under mum's authority. He did show some love to me when growing up.

A conversation with a good friend a month or so ago flagged up that perhaps mum is a kind of narcissist. I've been thinking about and researching this ever since and there are many ways in which mum fits the profile of a narcissist.

Mum now has parkinsons is 14 years or so in and is now becoming quite unwell. Obviously we don't have the sort of close relationship where I go and see her often or call. She has never wanted one to one time with me or to go anywhere together.

Mum is now physically very weak but is the same way towards me she has always been

Has anyone else been in this situation? I have accepted the relationship has never been and would never be what I would want. Her passing away won't make a huge difference to my life as we have never been close. But it still feels so so strange. I feel sad for the girl who wanted a mum but has never had one. I feel that really my whole life when I look back has just been one big search for love. Thankfully I have found this with my own family but this situation with mum will always hurt I think in her life and her death. Xx

Ps I know mum is struggling now and is not finding life easy at all and I dofeel for her it can't be easy being so weak.

But I'm sharing here my feelings about realising about the Narcissistic traits and that side of things is heartbreaking for me as all makes sense.

Doesn't sound particularly narcisstic, but emotionally unavailable. I had a far from ideal mother but I don't dwell on what she was/wasn't. Just make sure you don't repeat her mistakes.

Thanks for commenting. The traits are she thinks she is superior to others, is always talking about how intellectual she is, if my children do well at school its genuinely in her eyes because they get whatever skill or talent they have from her. When you talk she changes the subject as not really interested in what you are saying. Those are just a few examples of the Narcissistic traits but obviously hasn't been officially diagnosed.

Definitely have gone out of my way not to repeat these behaviours with my own children.

I would be wary of friends diagnosing her on your behalf.

If she's dying, you won't have long left with her and after it won't matter.

Ignore friend, look after your mum and live your life to the full afterwards.

Very kind story short my dad was physically violent and abusive

never had any kind of relationship when it came to end of life at home it was down to me to nurse him

honestly I’m glad I did it drew a line under everything
I realised you can love someone but not like them at the end of the day it was my dad

like you it left no hole in my life
and all the past history can’t be changed it was what it was
I felt like a great weight lifted and calmness
no desire to throw myself self on him and any reconciliation but full acceptance all the bitterness and anger disappeared

Honestly, so what at this point?

She's dying. She'll soon be gone. Then go and live your life in the future, not the past.

That's very powerful thank you xx

I think the point is that I've realised that there is something like narcissim there ant tbh it feels on one hand better to know there was / is nothing more I could have done because her behaviour wasn't about me it was about her.

So it's the realisation things could never have been any different really. Helps to find some sort of peace when the relationship through life was so disconnected I suppose.

Obviously I don't talk about this stuff in real life! But sharing private feelings here as a safe space.

Take this with a pinch of salt. My mother is an abusive malignant narcissist who caused all sorts of ongoing trauma for me. I am currently very low contact. She missed an appointment several days ago and the clinic phoned me. It occurred to me that mum could be lying dead at home and I wouldn’t have had time to heal my relationship with her. I was surprised how sad this made me.
If your mother is a narcissist she is utterly incapable of showing love for you BUT you can decide to love her. I say take this advice with a pinch of salt because i personally have no clue how to achieve this given my current angry state. Your mother won’t take accountability for the abuse, she will never see the damage she has done or let you explain the impact she had on your life.
I would say, be kind and loving to your mum, and work through the anger once she has gone. Because it’s easier to live with misplaced kindness than misplaced anger.
But I’m not an expert, just a fellow citizen on a similar journey

Sorry OP, this sounds hard.
While I'm wary of armchair diagnoses, it definitely sounds like she wasn't the mother you needed and didn't provide you with the emotional support, love and encouragement that a parent should have. It's not unreasonable that you have mixed feelings regarding her situation right now, compassion for her illness but also lots of negative feelings around how she treated/continues to treat you. There is no correct advice - she's not going to morph into the mum she should have been and that you needed, nor can we re-write the past. It's up to you how much time and energy you give her now, but you don't owe her more than you can give.

Thank you for.commentimg and I'm so sorry you are going through something similar. I've always been kind and generous with both of my parents and will continue to.be. I'm not about to start making life difficult for mum! She is struggling as it is and I genuinely have no idea how long she may have left. However there is something.about the finality of death that draws everything into focus.

I am not perfect by any stretch but I will continue to be kind and loving when I do see mum and will see dad as know he needs quite a lot of support atm. It's just quite a difficult situation not only for mum but in the wider context. Sadness for what never was.

Thank you yes this is my approach. My husband and I have a business we have young children and live about an hour away. I give what time we can. Yes it is hard and I do have so many mixed feelings.

Yes fellow citizen (nicely put) travelling the same path. Just sending solidarity but no easy answers. I have long ago given up hope of meaningful connection with DM but have found a way to be occasionally present, though at massive personal cost and need for space afterwards, but giving practical and phone support from a distance.

It is very hard that you are told not to phone and it’s sad your DF has just gone along with her selfish ways. But OP you have done something amazing in your life, broken through to making your own family, loving and being loved. That to me is absolute treasure. I wish you peace as your mother enters the last stages of her life and hope you stay strong.

Just sending a hug 🫂 and, although I have no experience of what you have been through, I feel you should be proud and grateful you have turned out so differently and are a loving mother yourself. Best wishes

Thank you that made me cry! So many of us going through something similar. Agree ew needing time after visits. It's exhaustng. Agree dad went along with many selfish ways he is possibly waking up to things a little more now. Well done for doing likewise it's a big achievement xx

Thank you xxx

I had a very abusive narc mother , who currently has cancer and I wouldn't take care of her. She's treated me like dirt my whole life, I won't even go to her funeral.

That's awful I'm so sorry. Completely understand where you are coming from. I don't think I could do it either. Xx

Re the funeral I will be there but I don't think I'll be feeling as people usually feel sadly.

It’s difficult to have unresolved negative feelings about an important relationship when that person dies. I found counselling helpful with a specialist in the ‘mother wound’ and I wonder if this might also benefit you?

Hi OP, sorry you’re struggling with this

Your DM might have a personality disorder, but I note she has Parkinson’s. I recently read some research suggesting that Parkinson’s might in fact be a lifelong neurodevelopmental condition linked to ADHD in childhood. So it’s actually possible that your mum is ND and has developed maladaptive coping mechanisms (hence her narcissistic traits).

My MIL is the same as your mum. Everything has to be an extension of her, or it doesn’t exist. She once coloured in with DS1 for a bit; this has turned into ‘I taught him how to write’. She only repeats stories where she’s the focus, it’s like she puts herself on a pedestal. I’m fairly sure she’s autistic (there are MANY other traits).

Its hard

I know how you feel as I had a similar childhood but when I zoom out of the picture further I can see my mother also didn’t have an ideal mother figure. I now like to see it as she was doing the best she could with the emotional and mental tools she had. I have to remind myself of the positives, e.g. my dinner was always ready after school and clothes ironed for me.

Try and show your mum the love she probably never had from her mum if you can. It’ll give you some peace. Love her the best you can despite her being far from the perfect mother. X

I really feel for you. It feels very traumatic when you understand the negative impact your mother has had on you. Especially as a child.
I’m going through the same thing. My mum has the same narcissistic tendencies you describe.
I’ve cut her off recently as I heard her talking about me in a derogatory way when she didn’t realise I could hear. She was also lying about something I’d done.
I’m constantly struggling with if I’ve done the right thing and I’m usually kind and tolerant.

Another one on your path, sad solidarity with everyone. I too think my mother may be a narcissist. But she may just be a selfish mean and stubborn individual, perhaps damaged from her own past.
Your mother may have been treated the same way by her own parents and not have the emotional intelligence to recognise that it was not right or fair to do that to you. Not making excuses for her, but just be proud that you have done better for yourself and your family. Breaking the cycle takes strength and courage so congratulations.

I have become quite detached with mine so treat her as an old lady that I have to put up with, I don’t run around after her but support from a distance by phone.. When her time comes my sadness will be for me and my sister more. She told me the other day that she’ll take a load of pills if we try to put her in a home and my first thought was ‘get on with it then!’
The Stately Homes thread may be a place to vent, it’s a safe space for people like us 🪷

This behaviour sounds so familiar! Sorry you are going through this too with your MIL. It makes conversations re the children and visits so much like hard work! Long story short but one of our children recently was on social media for something I was worried about them becoming overexposed so didn't want them to repeat what they did... mum keeps asking them if they have plans to do the same thing again / so they can be on social media again and she can send the link about it to absolutely everyone she knows again its not about the safety and impact on my child it's about her having something to show off about which she thinks will reflect well on her. This is only one example!!

So interesting thank you re the research into parkinsons comment. There could be autism there js definitely something but it presents as narcissism.