Mum is dying and I've only recently realised she js a narcissist

[Spoonweather]

I know the advice will be to get some psychotherapy and counselling and I will do but this past few months I've realised my mum is a narcissist and it is very tough.

Had a difficult childhood with a fair amount of emotional neglect from mum in particular, made to feel that I was never enough, there was no interest at all in me on a personal level only what she could use to show off about me (was often told by other people that she had been talking about my achievements etc). Felt very lonely and would burst into tears if adult teachers tor example showed any personal interest in me as didn't have that at home. Constant feeling of not meeting approval, always taking others sides over mine. Not enough medication for my chronic health condition kept in house. Disappointed I didn't go to oxbridge and become a doctor etc.

Have always been a bit vulnerable because all of the above, am a major people pleaser really wanted love etc. I feel sadness I didn't have the sort of relationship so many others have with their parents. If I call home even now - not v often - am told I should have emailed instead. Constantly feeling I should back off and mum has more important things to do. Dad is gentle soul but always under mum's authority. He did show some love to me when growing up.

A conversation with a good friend a month or so ago flagged up that perhaps mum is a kind of narcissist. I've been thinking about and researching this ever since and there are many ways in which mum fits the profile of a narcissist.

Mum now has parkinsons is 14 years or so in and is now becoming quite unwell. Obviously we don't have the sort of close relationship where I go and see her often or call. She has never wanted one to one time with me or to go anywhere together.

Mum is now physically very weak but is the same way towards me she has always been

Has anyone else been in this situation? I have accepted the relationship has never been and would never be what I would want. Her passing away won't make a huge difference to my life as we have never been close. But it still feels so so strange. I feel sad for the girl who wanted a mum but has never had one. I feel that really my whole life when I look back has just been one big search for love. Thankfully I have found this with my own family but this situation with mum will always hurt I think in her life and her death. Xx

Thank you yes my mum's mum was a dreadful mother. I have always tried to give her the love she didn't have. I will continue to do the best I can xx

Just remember, your friend who has armchair diagnosed your mother will be very biased. She has only got 1 side of events in your life. By all means arrange some counselling if you think that will help you. It concerns me that you mention that she would praise your achievements and those of your DC as if that’s a bad thing. Don’t most parents / grandparents talk about their DCs achievements? I often say ‘oh, she got her talent for maths from me’ or ‘she got her musical talents from her dad’ about our children. We’re not being narcissistic, we’re being proud.

My mum was narcissistic and very abusive. I thought I was doing the right thing by going and nursing her. I wish I hadn't. There were no Disney moments. She didn't mellow. There was no resolution of any kind. In fact, she was more spiteful and nasty than ever. I was traumatised for a long time afterwards. Be very careful

My mum has spoken badly about me too many times to count! I heard about another instance of it recently from one or her sisters. It still hurts to hear it has happened. Sorry to hear you have been through it too it's v hard xx

Yep recognise this - MIL had a video of DSes singing and showed it to all her friends with a ‘they said that the boys must take after me because I’ve got such a wonderful voice’ comment 🙄

It helps me to think of the way she operates as a communication-interaction disorder. She feels bad about herself and doesn’t have the toolkit to sit with those feelings and not project them onto everyone else. This is where it’s helpful to think of behaviour as a manifestation/presentation of difficulties, it’s easier to feel more sympathetic towards this (although completely understand why this might be tricky!).

My dh has recently been through this, only realised a few years ago that his mother had a lot of narcissistic traits and wasn’t like other mothers. He did visit her in the hospice and went through the motions of a dutiful son and supported his father. I had a friend who was a macmillian nurse and she gave me sound advice not to expect any kind of acknowledgment from her before her death, she said she has seen many people hoping for some kind of deathbed acknowledgment of wrongs and it almost never happens.
At the funeral no one was sad, it was a very ,very weird experience. The sadness there was came from feeling pity for someone who had missed out on so much potential happiness rather than missing her. We have enjoyed spending more time with dh’s dad since and he has said he regrets that dh didn’t have a mother who showed them love. She was particularly unpleasant to me and I find it very odd to think that all the unpleasantness is just gone and in the past.

Yes agreed. I think when mum does pass away it will be a feeling of sadness but relief in a way and an end to in many ways what has been a frustrating chapter. I will be sad for myself and my dad too. Xx

The wake for my dm was very odd - it was a nice sociable occasion and no one mentioned her at all!! I think everyone just felt really relaxed without her.

Wow this strikes so many chords this is exactly what I am going through already now. I know my dad has started to see things from my pov more-- better late than never- and I can tell from.the way he words things that he feels very sad I didn't have that relationship with my mother that many - not all - people have. I think he and I will be much closer in the future. He also loves my children but for them! For who they are he always has but mum has limited how much time he has spent with us over the years.

I hope your dh feels better knowing that his father can see the reality now? X

I found therapy amazing for managing, understanding and confirming that my mum is a narcissistic and that I will never get the love, praise and compassion a child should get from their parent.

Therapy gave me peace from a tormented childhood and allowed the anger to go. The amazing thing is it's given me strength not to be hurt by her anymore. When the cruel evil comments come now - I just laugh.

My lovely grown up children have nothing to do their granny due to her being cruel to them.

I often feel guilty, as when my mum dies it will be a relief and I'll be free. People with loving parents nothing get it.

Wow but hope you are okay now. How has it been post funeral?

Thanks for.commenting I think therapy will help us all otherwise I think because it is a parent and a primary caregiver we just end up internalising their behaviour and blaming ourselves. Well done for getting through it.

My mum is nasty in strange ways she always makes out I used to be promiscuous (subconsciously as a young woman I was searching for love as hadn't felt love as a young person) I've also heard her tell people I'm a lesbian?? With no grounds whatsoever. Just spreading rumours about me. Mean comments, trying to shame me, that kind of thing. Also putting herself above me in terms of intellectual capacity etc. That I find draining when we visit.

I am not sure that putting a label on your mum is helpful or productive.
She failed you in many ways, as did mine ... similar ways really. There was no label ... she was just a product of her upbringing.
Mine faded away similarly with PD/Lewy Body Disease. She died many years ago now. I am sure her influence on me as a child was not helpful, but I just accept this as part of life in this imperfect world. You will find tha few people had perfect parents and we all bear scars of varying sizes. Please try and move on ... seek help if needs be ... but dwelling on this eats up a lot of time when you could be having fun in this one life you have.

Thank you I do agree with you. Life is precious so is time. Thank you. Sometimes I don't know what to do with my feelings so that's why I came here! I would rather not care tbh that would be easier. I don't want to dwell on this and also don't have the time to! X

I think you’ll be feeling the same as a lot of us who have a troubled relationship with a woman who shouldn’t have had a child. Well done for recognising it, others are right the label doesn’t matter but we do look for a label a reason. Whatever it was she couldn’t be the mother a child needed and you are right to be angry and upset about that or whatever you want to feel. The most important thing is you have not repeated the pattern so massive well done.

Hi OP
I just wanted to flag a good support thread on Mumsnet, I think it's called stately homes - 'but we took you to stately homes' - that's for adult children who experienced some form of neglect growing up.

I haven't had the chance to read your thread properly but hope you are giving yourself space to experience all your different feelings, and you are looking after yourself well. Therapy, journalling, mindfulness and the support of good people got me through Hugs x

Yes angry upset and also sad that some people can't love their children. That I wasn't loved. Not sure I will ever be okay with that but I have accepted it. It's just that with the imminent decline it all comes to the fore doesn't it and hard to speak about these sorts of very deep feelings in real life xx

Yes I've heard of the stately home thread and they did take us to stately homes lols. I think that's it it's all the different and various feelings that come up pre death.

The narcissism label is sort of neither here nor there i agree and we are not going to get a medical diagnosis anyway it's just that many of the traits do fit. I suppose the narcissism label helps to separate the situation further from me because you do tend to blame yourself- eg what was unlovable about me - in these situations.

This exactly. I'm so sorry you've had this experienceSunshine - it was pretty much my experience too.

Ina Garten, the American cook, recently brought out her autobiography and she had difficult parents but especially her mother.

Ina said, in terms of her late mother's care, she did what she could for her mother - ensured that she had a good care home etc and visited. However it was so that Ina could have the mental peace of having done the right thing. Apparently there was no real relationship there at all.

So I'd say OP do whatever brings you peace mentally so that when you look back you are content.

I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position. I think it's more common than you think.

From Ina Garten's book OP:

'Back at her dining table, Ms. Garten grew
emotional. "It just occurred to me while you're
talking about this that I must have gotten
over the feeling of shame," she said, tears in
her eyes. "I don't want people to feel that their
childhood needs to be their life story. You can
write your own story. You are not who your
parents thought you were, or whatever bad
thing that happened to you." '

I agree with your analysis OP, the label is important in the sense that identifying mistreatment as someone else's personality structure and defenses helps make it less personal.

Children of these people often grow up feeling it was their fault, or that if only they were perfect/thinner/cleverer/of a different sex etc. they'd have been loved.

Having a "why" does create distance.

The "how" to go forward once you've identified it is another layer. I find that one good use of the anger is in not smiling at, or being understanding of, bad behaviour. So when they say something nasty, envious, mindgamey, harmfulto your kids? Poker face. Not giving them a free pass doesn't make you less of a good person.

Because they train us to not confront them. And usually it is pointless, given that they never take accountability.
So you can give yourself inner permission to stop giving her a free pass at least in your head. Anger helps us move on.

As for being loving towards her..I'd say only if you genuinely feel that way.

Ah thank you for typing that out so kind of you.

Yes I agree with this. It took me much longer than perhaps it would other people but I now have a young family of my own, a decent husband, our own business, friends. I no longer self medicate with alcohol, my weight is stable. I now just want to make the best of my life for myself and the others around me, want to be the best and most productive version of myself so I can be the best mum possible. The past is in the past. Thank you @MovingCrib xx

People who have narcissistic traits can't do boundaries and can't change.

At least you've spotted the pattern OP. It puts you in the driving seat.

No problem (I've just realised it was from an interview). I'll post a link

www.nytimes.com/2024/09/28/dining/ina-garten-book.html#