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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Are most men shit or is it just how Mumsnet portrays them?

123 replies

loveyoutothemoon · 31/10/2024 20:24

Is Mumsnet enough to put you off men for life? All you see on here is cheating men. Think I'm just damaged from an abusive marriage!

OP posts:
RayeCyst · 31/10/2024 20:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CleanShirt · 31/10/2024 20:28

I used to be in the "not my Dave" camp on MN. But xh left me out of the blue in this year and my 2 best friends are also getting divorced through no fault of their own, so my perception is a little skewed right now. Definitely out of that camp. Fuck Dave.

username7891 · 31/10/2024 20:28

I've never known anything like it. The men seem to be complete and utter shits who don't lift a finger and their wives wait on them hand and foot. It's like the advice page from Stepford.

ohyesido · 31/10/2024 20:28

My DH is a decent man, works hard looks after me and doesn't subject me to subtle put downs. I come on MN to remind myself that there are far worse husbands and it makes me appreciate him more

FlippyFloppyShoe · 31/10/2024 20:29

Men put me off men, not MN 😁

Edingril · 31/10/2024 20:30

As said a million times no they are not but I presume you think your father brother, cousins, nephews etc. Are are bad terrible people just the fact they are male?

My husband isn't or I wouldn't be with him, nor is my father etc.

Mrsttcno1 · 31/10/2024 20:30

I suppose the thing to remember is that people only really come on here to post when they need advice or to vent because something bad has happened. Nobody comes on here to write a post because their husband ran them a bath, made their tea and gave them flowers.

LlynTegid · 31/10/2024 20:31

I think it's a bit like the comment someone made about customer service a few years ago. Happy, you'll tell three people, unhappy thirty three.

IstillloveKingThistle · 31/10/2024 20:35

I think some are lovely. Some are arseholes.
My husband is somewhere in the middle.

He hasn’t been the best the past few years. He’s incredibly selfish and that is hard to digest.

A few years ago I also believe he had an emotional attachment with a female. I caught him speaking on the phone to her in our garage. He denied it of course but the gut never lies does it?
It may possibly have been something bigger; sexual even. And I will never know . He works abroad a lot and this was just after he had been abroad for a few months. There are lots of things that are wrong in my marriage but now is not the time to be stealing your thread and derailing it.

So in answer to your question op: I think some are some aren’t. Most are shit in my experience though.

bitesthedust · 31/10/2024 20:37

most humans are shit

Errolwasahero · 31/10/2024 20:46

Most of the women I know have been abused by a man, in some way. That’s family, friends and colleagues; from emotional to seriously physical and sexual. By more than one man (per woman, not at a time). I’ve had 3 serious relationships, two of those men abused me. I think mn is about right.

ComingBackHome · 31/10/2024 20:48

I have to say, so far the men I’ve met haven’t been …. great.
Not just partners either but watching friends, family etc….

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/10/2024 20:50

Mrsttcno1 · 31/10/2024 20:30

I suppose the thing to remember is that people only really come on here to post when they need advice or to vent because something bad has happened. Nobody comes on here to write a post because their husband ran them a bath, made their tea and gave them flowers.

Exactly what I was coming on to say, @Mrsttcno1. Great minds…..

DrizzleMySwizzle · 31/10/2024 20:51

'Nobody comes on here to write a post because their husband ran them a bath, made their tea and gave them flowers.'

lol.

the bar is so low.

StarDolphins · 31/10/2024 20:54

I honestly think men generally are more shit than women. It’s much harder to find a decent guy than a decent woman.

I know some really lovely men, great morals, decent beings. I just had a good think about all the men I know though & I can honestly say, 30% tops are really good guys.

SuperGinger · 31/10/2024 20:55

Some men are dreadful, some are wonderful, some women are dreadful too.

ComingBackHome · 31/10/2024 20:55

Edingril · 31/10/2024 20:30

As said a million times no they are not but I presume you think your father brother, cousins, nephews etc. Are are bad terrible people just the fact they are male?

My husband isn't or I wouldn't be with him, nor is my father etc.

You see, I look at my dad and …. Yep not good.
Ex Partners? Me, me ,me
Dh? ND makes the relationship hard work tbh but I’d put him in the nicer category. Still a lot of selfishness though.
Friends or friends partners? Again, a lot of selfishness, no EQ/emotional maturity

I agree with @bitesthedust that it’s also probably a ‘being human’ thing.
Just more pronounced with males because patriarchy etc….

Iwantabrightsunnyday · 31/10/2024 20:55

well, this is why I waited and waited in order to catch someone sensible , also got long list with boxed to tick off. If I went with just any man, it could be me asking advice

Iwantabrightsunnyday · 31/10/2024 20:56

boxes ~~

newyearsresolurion · 31/10/2024 20:59

That's why am staying single lol left one of mumsnet idiots almost a year ago. Life is good

Opentooffers · 31/10/2024 21:02

I think, the time you might find a decent man is probably early 20's. Unfortunately, as a woman in your early 20's at the time, you don't know enough, read all the signs. I doubt the young women who found good ones were any better at it, just luckier really.
By the time you get in your 30's, the good ones have gone as no woman with sense is going to let a good one go. The ones left are the ones who either keep getting dumped, do the dumping because they have FOMO on others so can't commit to anyone, or have behavioural issues from poor childhood experiences - drugs, alcohol, violence, abusive etc.
I do consede, that on a rare occasion a decent man may find themselves single at an older age, because they maybe made a poor choice in their 20's. However, they are in the minority as, being decent men, most are still likely to stick with a partner who is not ideal if children are involved. Like most women, decent men will put up with a lot that's not right for the sake of their kids.
Hopefully, this means that there may be a few more decent men around in their late 40's/50's who stuck it out until their DC's became independent. They are hard to tell from the same age guys who got dumped by their wives for being shit partners though and likewise stuck it out till then for the DC's.
So maybe, it would be reasonable to ask an older man you date, who has come out of a long term relationship, who ended it? If it was their ex, she was getting rid of a substandard male, so perhaps be wary , there were probably good reasons for her to dump.

ThatGutsyHedgehog · 31/10/2024 21:04

I’ve got to say I’ve got one of the good ones, he’s not perfect, who is?
But hes kind, hardworking and always puts me and our son first. I’m very lucky.
But a lot of my friends have had really terrible partners- becomes so much worse when they’ve had kids with them.

PancakesForElephants · 31/10/2024 21:05

I'm with @CleanShirt . Fuck you, Dave.

My ex did more than most of my friend's DHs, so approx half, but I still disadvantaged myself when our DC was small, and I was in "not my Dave" land until he morphed in middle age into a resentful selfish twat who often guilted me into sex, then one day announced he was out of our relationship and quel surprise, turned out he's been knocking off his (married) ex from when he was a teenager after they'd reconnected on social media. Oh, the romance!

Still have some wonderful male friends, but never underestimate the lure of patriarchy & entitlement to sad middle aged men.

Fuck you, Dave.

Ponderingwindow · 31/10/2024 21:06

I didn’t post that this week DH did the morning school run for me just because I was tired. I didn’t post that since ASD DC strongly prefers me helping her with her homework, he has taken over doing the dishes every night. I don’t post about how I was craving a treat last week and he stopped and picked one up for me, even though I didn’t ask.

If I posted about him too often, I would get raked over the coals. It’s not just that people don’t tend to post the mundane. It’s that the mundane, happy posts to invite animosity from people who are struggling. Sometimes it is better to just say nothing.

CleanShirt · 31/10/2024 21:06

PancakesForElephants · 31/10/2024 21:05

I'm with @CleanShirt . Fuck you, Dave.

My ex did more than most of my friend's DHs, so approx half, but I still disadvantaged myself when our DC was small, and I was in "not my Dave" land until he morphed in middle age into a resentful selfish twat who often guilted me into sex, then one day announced he was out of our relationship and quel surprise, turned out he's been knocking off his (married) ex from when he was a teenager after they'd reconnected on social media. Oh, the romance!

Still have some wonderful male friends, but never underestimate the lure of patriarchy & entitlement to sad middle aged men.

Fuck you, Dave.

Edited

MNetters against Dave.

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