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Original poster

DH kissed his best friend (female)..

301 replies

boriso · 25/04/2008 11:34

One of Dh's best friends is female - they have been close for 20 years and met at Uni before I met dh.

Recently she has been going through some major marital diffuculties (she fell in love with somoone else and had an affair) and my dh has been a shoulder for her to cry on. Recently I have started to feel a bit uncomfortable about this. Nothing I could really put my finger on, I have never felt threatened by this woman.

Anyway, I checked his phone this morning (due to feeling not quite right about all of this) and it seems that when they last met up they kissed. The text from her read - "It was only a kiss don't stress about it too much, it was lovely though".

What would you do??!!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 26/04/2008 17:54

he's got a loooonnngg way to go to win back your trust.

if he is late from work in london or says he's going someplace after work, what has he done to assure you you can trust him?

Fllight · 26/04/2008 18:47

Well Boriso it would make sense...seeing as you have his mobile.
But I guess he wouldn't own up to that. See how you go, if he does lots of mystery outings you might need to look at it again.
The trouble is I am unsure if an emotional investment going back that far might be even possible for him to stop...there are times when people try and try to stop it but just can't bear to, and that to me would indicate a serious problem in the marriage - not your afult but something in him that stops him being able fully to communicate to someone he is with, perhaps having a strange need for someone he isn't committed to...of course, it would all fall apart were this the case and they actually got together, but you need to really delve into him to find out why he has needed to do this.
The instance I was talking about before, the man had some serious issues as he had had rather distant parents and been sent to boarding school young, so had a sort of split personality - needed one woman to represent the mother, another to represent the school side I think.
He would never admit it though.

expatinscotland · 26/04/2008 18:52

Flight speaks sense.

On the other hand, if he's willing to risk his marriage and family for a woman who cheats around you might do well to see a counsellor and figure out what you want and need from all this.

It's corny, but I always think of a couple of lines from an old Country Western song:

'If she wants a man,
who'll take the ring off of his hand
and then turn around and say that he'll be true
She deserves you.'

expatinscotland · 26/04/2008 18:52

he could be using a phone box.

he should be home grovelling.

Fllight · 26/04/2008 18:56

Expat speaks sense, Flight just rambles inanely
I like that quote Expat.

expatinscotland · 26/04/2008 19:02

and the other thing, she is staying with him for the kids.

unless this husband of hers is a serious twat, that's a shit thing to do to someone.

to basically use them when you don't even love them instead of letting them get on with their lives and maybe meet someone who's not going to continually cheat on them - emotionally as well as physically.

what kind of person does that?

i mean, i wouldn't want someone doing that to my kids. would you?

so yeah, i think i'd give it some more thought, but i'd consider telling her husband.

i mean, i'd want to know if my spouse were screwing around on me - and again i take emotional affairs on the same level as the physical - i'd want to know, particularly if it had happened already in the past and i'd forgiven her. so that i could make a better decision about what to do in the relationship.

nappyaddict · 27/04/2008 11:00

Thinking of you this morning

Beetroot · 27/04/2008 11:21

was the 'affair' that she talked of the one with your dh? was this an excuse for them to get together?

Sorry this is happening

us it as a time to talk and heal (bleugh hate that word)

Original poster
boriso · 27/04/2008 13:24

The 'affair' she talked of was with her best friends husband. Mutual friends can confirm that. Was all a proper mess, they both came clean with her about it and needless to say she has lost her as a friend. And she has now lost dh as well.

Dh has revealed today that she told him last week that she had always loved him (my dh). That when she married her dh she was thinking of my dh. And that when dh and I got married she was really jealous. And that the bloke she had the recent affair with reminded her of him. What a predatory bitch. Why the f* would she come clean about all of that if she did not want more from him now?! My dh like a total bastard listened to all this and then snogged her. And then planned to go and stay with her this weekend. He is even more to blame. What a mess.

OP posts:
ajandjjmum · 27/04/2008 13:35

She sounds like a great friend - has an affair with the dh of one, then tries it on with the other.

Hope you can sort things out.

beaniesteve · 27/04/2008 13:36

Oh Boriso
Not comparable at all but I once had a very predatory woman try to go after my now ex. She would get her friends to talk to me when we were out and distract me so that she could get her claws into my boyfriend. It all came to a head at a party when I overheard her asking a good female friend of ours why the hell he was with me when he could be with her. I was grateful that the friend told her to stop what she was doing and to accept that he loved me and not her. It was really hard when I realised what she had been doing and I remembered all sorts of dodgy things like the time a glass of red wine was 'accidentally' tipped all over a new dress I was wearing, forcing me into the toilets to sort it out whils presumably she was all over my boyfriend.

Some people (men and women) are like this, and then they try to explain it all away by claiming they have done you a good deed and strengthened your relationship

It sounds like your husband is now trying to be honest with you so I hope you can work it out and that he realises she has played this game with other people and messed up not just her life but that of her husband and her best friend.

collision · 27/04/2008 13:41

how is DH today then? Apologetic and attentive or moody and defensive?

What the hell was he thinking?

How do you feel about it all? Why did DH tell you all this stuff today?

What are you going to do?

Mum1369 · 27/04/2008 13:53

She sounds very controlling and very manipulative.
I think it is very likely she will end up a very lonely lady.
Quite right too.

MissGelly · 27/04/2008 14:00

Sounds as if hubby and best friend should have got together 20 years ago and got it out of their system, one way or another. I suppose the "what would have happened" has been a questionmark over their heads all their adult lives...(funnily enough, it reminds me of a musical I saw on Broadway years ago...same exactly situation. But they decided to resist temptation.)

Although she has no right to bring this up now, I expect it's been brewing for years now, just unbeknownst to you....I guess you need to ask hubby what he wants to do... either he wants to save his marriage or pursue this relationship of 20 years. Horrible situation for you, boriso! If he wants to stay with you, you need to get some type of reassurance that he's not going to sit around for the next 20 years wondering "what could have been..." and living out some stupid fantasy situ in his head whenever he gets restless.... Because the scene that they shared last week sounds like very romantic, ego stroking stuff for your hubby!

Sending lots of support your way...

morningpaper · 27/04/2008 14:51

I've been thinking about this thread and you have my sympathies

It sounds to me as though her marriage has broken down and now your DH is thinking about her being single and that is making him question his relationship with you. Perhaps the thought of her hooking up with other people is arousing feelings in him that he hadn't given much thought to before. So he is starting to call into question his relationship with you. I think that's quite natural to be honest, but I think he needs to sit down and think about his feelings in a grown-up way and make some grown-up decisions that he will take responsibility for.

Good luck

morningpaper · 27/04/2008 14:55

And all this "predatory" woman talk is rubbish

It is obviously totally mutual - She was in a vulnerable situation and her marriage was breaking down - and he clearly started telling her about his unhappy marriage and the lack of communication between you! Why isn't HE the predatory one?

They are both grown-ups and they are both responsible. Don't do him the favour of taking responsibility away from him by fooling yourself that she is 'predatory' and 'a snake'. They are both equally responsible for the relationship between them, and only HE is responsible for breaking his promises to YOU.

josta · 27/04/2008 14:57

Blimey she sounds quite a madam and it looks like she's had design's on your dh for a while.

I think as horrible for you that they kissed, at least you found out before things went further, now you and your dh can sort things out between you, maybe counselling and put her out of your lives.

I think the way you have acted has been commendable and so brave, you sound like a strong woman and I wish you lots of happiness for the future.

Take care.

JeremyVile · 27/04/2008 14:58

You're being too harsh there MP.
Boriso said in her last post that she holds him more responsible than the other woman.

Beetroot · 27/04/2008 15:00

MP - harsh but true

Flowernat · 27/04/2008 15:02

oh...its horrible listening to stuff like that.On the one hand you I think you want to hear it all.Absolutely everything (I rung my now ex dh dry coz I wanted to know it all).Strange because it all made me feel physically sick and like killing them both.I think its because I was pissed off and completely gutted to find I was the only one who didn't know.On the other hand you really don't want to hear any of it!You've definately seen what your working with now.Whatever you decide to do I'd rely on your close friends and yourself for time being and be wise to what he's saying/not saying.Hopefully, sometime reflecting outside the ego flattering bubble he's been living in, will mean he realises with a shock just how stupid he's been,what he's risking and how you obviously deserve better.(phew big sentence...)oh and you get lots of advice at these times(ahem)but do what you feels right.Take good care

PosieParker · 27/04/2008 15:04

boriso, you dh is an idiot and silly to, willingly, put himself in the line of temptation. Staying with a woman for a weekend unless it's with your wife is never never acceptable, except if she's your sister. One might think he was anticipating a kiss at some point.

I hope you are slowly sorting things out it does sound as if he's truthful now at least.
Relate, relate, relate... they are worth every penny.

policywonk · 27/04/2008 15:14

'Staying with a woman for a weekend unless it's with your wife is never never acceptable, except if she's your sister.' - eh? That's barmy.

beaniesteve · 27/04/2008 15:19

I agree Policywonk.

I have no problem with my BF staying with female friends. I would in this case but as a general rule I accept that my BF has close female friends, and that it is possible to have friends of the opposite sex who are just that.

morningpaper · 27/04/2008 15:19

I agree PW, it assumes that men are totally untrustworthy and incapable of self-control

PosieParker · 27/04/2008 15:19

Why? Would you like your dh staying with a female friend without you? That's barmy... why would they need to? It's not like husbands don't have affairs.