Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH kissed his best friend (female)..

301 replies

boriso · 25/04/2008 11:34

One of Dh's best friends is female - they have been close for 20 years and met at Uni before I met dh.

Recently she has been going through some major marital diffuculties (she fell in love with somoone else and had an affair) and my dh has been a shoulder for her to cry on. Recently I have started to feel a bit uncomfortable about this. Nothing I could really put my finger on, I have never felt threatened by this woman.

Anyway, I checked his phone this morning (due to feeling not quite right about all of this) and it seems that when they last met up they kissed. The text from her read - "It was only a kiss don't stress about it too much, it was lovely though".

What would you do??!!

OP posts:
KatieScarlett2833 · 26/04/2008 11:41

Does he/she actually think that they can go back to being just "friends" after this?

Is he expecting you to just accept this and act as though it never happened?

A line has been crossed and he'd better jump quickly back to your side of it. How would he feel if it was you kissing your oldest friend and saying it was lovely and you just got carried away?

Pair of prats the two of them.

Lauriefairycake · 26/04/2008 11:50

The saddest part of this is that he is emotionally with her conspiring against you just like she has done with her husband. He was planning to see her after he betrayed your relationship and wants to stay friends with her He is being led astray or sucked in to how she does relationships. If she was 14 I would be saying she's a "bad influence"

How about you say you want everything out in the open including telling her husband that they kissed each other - also saying to her that you won't be telling her husband that she has cheated before but that you're not having this kiss hidden because that's not what you want in your marriage.

I'm so sorry all this has happened to you, he should be concentrating on supporting you, in sickness and in health eh

bearmama · 26/04/2008 12:31

I hope you are doing OK Boriso.
Agree with the post about DP showing you the post-kiss emails - he should no longer have anything to hide if it was just a one-off.

beaniesteve · 26/04/2008 13:09

Sorry to hear your troubles Boriso. You sound like you have your head screwed on. Don't let him make thiss your fault. He knows he is in the wrong and should basically do everything to make you feel secure and part of that would be not seeing this woman again. I don't know what's best to do RE her husband but maybe it's better to let them sort it out. On the other hand how well do you know this woman? Maybe it would be worth approaching her in a very adult way and explaining that you know what happened and that you are very angry and upset by it but that it will not happen again and if you ever find out that it has then she will be responsible for breaking up your marriage and her own.

skidoodle · 26/04/2008 13:35

I really would caution against telling her husband. It will probably just make you look ridiculous - ratting them out for a snog.

Not that you shouldn't be angry about the kiss, you should and I totally agree that he should cut contact with her. I just think calling up her husband to tell him what she's been up to will make you seem silly.

Neither do I think you should contact her or threaten her in any way. Your husband must tell her that there will be no further contact. Anything you do plays into her hands because they've been friends for so long. If it comes from you it puts you on one side and her on another and it's not clear where you husband stands.

I'm also not sure threats to end her marriage are going to be effective, particularly not when there is any suggestion of also ending yours. It looks very much like she's looking for a way out of her marriage and as someone said already, she's looking drag someone else into her own problems. This threat could sound more like a promise to her.

This is best dealt with in a curt and businesslike manner. "Sorry, but that kiss crossed a line and now I'll have to step away from our friendship" - no mention of you or your demands just a clear statement of intent from your DH followed up by a lack of contact.

MissGelly · 26/04/2008 13:47

Good post, skidoodle. Agree that telling the other husband is not the best way forward...

kerryk · 26/04/2008 14:04

"Sorry, but that kiss crossed a line and now I'll have to step away from our friendship"

totally agree with that, the frienship can not continue with you as his wife after this has happened, he either gives up her or you.

Original poster
boriso · 26/04/2008 14:44

You are all so wonderfully wise. Thanks for such great support - it has made the WORLD of difference to me to read your posts over the last two days.

DH has just gone to the shop to buy some fags (stressed out at all dear?).

He has not gone to visit her today and nor will he be in the future. He is going to cut all contact with her now.

I made him text her last night saying that he was not coming and why. I have been in possession of his mobile phone ever since. She texted back to him the following "OK. I hope you two are now talking. It was only a kiss. Maybe this will help you two start talking. Maybe its a good thing. I'm trying to be positive here. xxx"

I texted her back and made it perfectly clear what my take on her marital advice was. At this point I was absolutely raging. It was a very primal - get the fuck off my territory - feeling.

The more the day has gone on and the more we have talked it is becoming clear that he has been having an emotional affair with her. And the kiss on Wed night was the start of it developing into something more. Although he claims nothing more would have happeened - yeah right. He has obviously shared all kinds of emotional and intimate details with her. Which feels like a total betrayal. He says that he has wanted to be around her for the "positive regard" she gives him (that he doesn't get from me) and that he has enjoyed feeling "needed" and having his ego stoked basically. What an arse. He says that he is not happy in our relationship and hasn't been for a while - wasn't happy with it long before my mum died. So me being miserable and withdrawn at the moment has not had anything to do with it apparently ....

He says he does love me and very much wants to make our marriage work. He says he feels terrible that I am having to deal with all of this on top of my grief. And so he should.

Dh pulling up in the car outside now. Better go.

OP posts:
NotABanana · 26/04/2008 14:45

Take care.

Heated · 26/04/2008 14:57

Sorry for the tough time you're having B. You're instincts have been right on this from the outset so keep trusting them.

You are totally right to excise her from your marriage. Your dh says he's been unhappy but I imagine her malign influence has been at work for a while.

It's time he nurtured his own marriage. Maybe Relate? So far it's all about his feelings of unhappiness. Stay in the driving seat and think about what changes do you want to make to your relationship?

MissGelly · 26/04/2008 14:58

Sorry to hear what you're going thru. You can't be blamed for going mental at that patronising text she sent... I guess she's been offering him a shoulder to confide on as well... at least it's out in the open and you two can start talking without him running off to her for advice. The best of wishes and thoughts for you.

WillyWonka · 26/04/2008 14:58

boriso - have been following your thread with a heavy heart. Your self-control is beyond admirable and as for reply to the ow's text - good for you. I truly hope that you and dh are able to work through this and that this "friend" makes no attempt at a reappearance in your lives.

kerryk · 26/04/2008 15:10

you are coping so well with this boriso i hope he is being straight with you about everything now.

Original poster
boriso · 26/04/2008 15:12

I have asked him to show me the emails he exchanged with her - good idea CD. They are work ones and he says he will forward them to me - he can edit them first though right?

OP posts:
MissGelly · 26/04/2008 15:37

Yes, he can edit them when they're forwarded.

ScoobyDoo · 26/04/2008 15:43

I am very sorry you are having to go through this

With the emails can he not sign into his work email from home then?

nkf · 26/04/2008 15:52

Is he still intending to go and stay there for the weekend?

youknownothingofthecrunch · 26/04/2008 16:01

I am so pleased that he has not insisted he keep in contact with her. With her out of the picture you have the chance to really build on your relationship without all his attention being elsewhere.

It sounds like they have been behaving atrociously, but that is over now. Would it be worth going to something like relate to really put this behind you and work through it constructively?

MarshaBrady · 26/04/2008 16:03

That text is enraging.
I can understand why you would feel get the fuck off my territory after that..

Her 'sympathy' is not wanted. At least now you can feel black and white about ending contact between them, if that is what you intend to do...

nooka · 26/04/2008 16:41

I think that you want to take things one step at a time. From having been there (my husband had an affair in similar circumstances a few years ago) actually I think that your husband's responses are very encouraging. OK you had the initial denial, but now he is being pretty open re the e-mails and stuff (my dh was busy being furious about me looking at his e-mails for months and months, and I didn't really get him to talk honestly about how he felt for a year or two).

See if you can follow up with some councelling. I think that you may both find it really helpful, and it would probably help you with your grieving too.

For what it's worth I think I now have a much better relationship with dh (although we've have a few very rocky years, including two living seperately) and there are a few other people on MN who have also made things work "after the affair". Of couse there are also a few people who have made things work out for them much better but with someone else

Good luck with it all, I think you have a lot of working out of things ahead of you and I hope it goes well.

Blueskythinker · 26/04/2008 16:55

What a condescending and patronising cow!!!

So she is trying to turn this around and suggest she has somehow done you both a favour!

I am so angry for you. I an totally understand how betrayed you feel. Stay foused on the end-game, and I hope things work out for you.

Fllight · 26/04/2008 17:30

Oh Boriso. I'm glad he's admitted it. I can't help but wonder though about going out for fags, I think the guy I used to know would say that kind of thing and then go and meet the OW.
Just be very careful before you allow yourself fully to trust him again.

beaniesteve · 26/04/2008 17:35

Good for you. I would have been severely pissed off by her text back, it seems to imply that he has confided in her RE your relationship and that would really upset me

Original poster
boriso · 26/04/2008 17:37

Fllight - I thought he might have gone out to ring her too actually. He can not have gone to meet her as thankfully she lives 70 miles away. They used to meet after work in London. So no contact should mean no contact due to the distance.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 26/04/2008 17:53

i'm so sorry, boriso.

an emotional affair is just that, and he needs to own up to that. he is the one who needs to win back your trust.

and that would have to mean NO more contact with her, regardless of what his feelings are for her.

have you considered counselling?

you're a much stronger person than i am.

if i even thought for one instant that he was out right now ringing her book ass after all that he'd be wearing his balls for earrings as i booted him out the door.