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Original poster

DH kissed his best friend (female)..

301 replies

boriso · 25/04/2008 11:34

One of Dh's best friends is female - they have been close for 20 years and met at Uni before I met dh.

Recently she has been going through some major marital diffuculties (she fell in love with somoone else and had an affair) and my dh has been a shoulder for her to cry on. Recently I have started to feel a bit uncomfortable about this. Nothing I could really put my finger on, I have never felt threatened by this woman.

Anyway, I checked his phone this morning (due to feeling not quite right about all of this) and it seems that when they last met up they kissed. The text from her read - "It was only a kiss don't stress about it too much, it was lovely though".

What would you do??!!

OP posts:
PosieParker · 27/04/2008 15:20

If you read MN often enough, most men are incapable of self control.

morningpaper · 27/04/2008 15:22

DH takes the children away quite a bit for weekends and has stayed with female friends, so I can work

I tend to assume that he has SOME self-control and also the children might mention it if they were naked on the sofa shagging all weekend

policywonk · 27/04/2008 15:22

I honestly wouldn't mind Posey. As far as I'm concerned, if he wants to have an affair, he'll have one. And, if he wants an affair and has one, he'll be out of the house within seconds of my finding out about it. I don't believe you can achieve a happy relationship by imposing those sort of constraints on your partner's freedom.

morningpaper · 27/04/2008 15:23

I agree with PW

and PERSONALLY, if I wanted to have an affair I would just lock one of my colleagues in the stationery cupboard - a whole weekend away is quite unecessary, life provides opportunities aplenty

policywonk · 27/04/2008 15:25

Although I do think that boriso is more than justified in putting her DH in leg-irons at the moment.

Carmenere · 27/04/2008 15:26

If a man wants to have an affair he doesn't need to be away with another woman to conduct it. You can't and should not want to 'protect' your partner from temptation. If he is going to shag/kiss/fall in love with someone else he will do it anyway. you may even say that being over protective is a not very appealing quality in a partner and for my dp anyway, would irritate the shit out of him and be divisive in our relationship.

morningpaper · 27/04/2008 15:27

oh quite PW

nkf · 27/04/2008 15:38

No it doesn't assume that. It recognises that often between men and women there is an element of the erotic. Whether slight or unacknowledged, dismissed or never acted on, it's still there. And if a situation is tempting, the attraction might be acted on. The husband and the best friend have been doing what's usually called "playing with fire" and they've been found out. All this "she's after my man" stuff is just silly.

PosieParker · 27/04/2008 15:39

mmm... well I'm of the mind that yes if they're going to they will, but sometimes without looking for it there arises an opportunity and being cosy at another woman's house is one of those.

PosieParker · 27/04/2008 15:40

Besides why would a dh want to spend the weekend with another woman?

nkf · 27/04/2008 15:43

He wants to spend the weekend with her because he likes her, she makes him feel good and he fancies her. That would be my guess.

beaniesteve · 27/04/2008 15:43

Posie - My BF has a huge group of friends he knows from schooldays and he views them all, male and female, in the same way - as very good friends with whom he has a shared history. I have a lot of male friends and my BF would trust me to go and stay with them, even the ones he's not met.

My bf's ex girlfriend now goes out with his brother - it was a long time ago and I'm sure it's weirder for them than it is for me. I like his ex and I like the fact that he's able to stay friends with the people he used to be with.

littlelapin · 27/04/2008 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

policywonk · 27/04/2008 15:47

I have several very good male friends. There is not the slightest spark of attraction between us. Their wives/partners know beyond a doubt that they could spend weeks at my house without being molested. If someone is trustworthy, nothing will happen. If someone is minded to stray, they will. I suppose you can close down their opportunities, but a) it's tremendously undignified, b) why would you want to stay with someone who wants to have affairs anyway, and c) short of locking them up, they'll find an opportunity sooner or later.

morningpaper · 27/04/2008 15:53

Besides why would a dh want to spend the weekend with another woman?

For the same reason he might want to spend time with men? Or just, you know, other people in general?

Do you really think that once you are married, your DH should have his fill of socialising with women for the rest of his life?

JeremyVile · 27/04/2008 15:54

Yes, the 'Minimizing Opportunities' thing, I have never understood.
If DP ever wants to stray, I would really much rather that he did. He would then be gone and that's that.
I would absolutely hate to think the only thing stopping him was the restrictions I placed on him.
Where would be the faith in that?

littlelapin · 27/04/2008 15:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nkf · 27/04/2008 15:59

I bet the Marine fancies you though. If he's straight that is.

beaniesteve · 27/04/2008 15:59

Yes, Boriso you do have reason to
hope you're ok.

littlelapin · 27/04/2008 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morningpaper · 27/04/2008 16:07

Lapin what red-blooded man wouldn't want to give you a pop, eh?

nkf · 27/04/2008 16:08

Okay LL, I believe you. But if you and he weren't happy with your spouses and were being very kind and confiding with each other and, of course, very drunk, you might be able to get over the weirdness. Not saying you would and when you're in love, then such behaviour does seem unlikely. But this OP's husband says he's not happy and the best friend clearly isn't. And what was once a best friend situation has shifted. Which is very grim for her.

littlelapin · 27/04/2008 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
boriso · 27/04/2008 16:16

I absolutely agree it takes two to tango and my dh has been absolutely pathetic, as I have said in previous posts. But in the situation I am dealing with here the OW has been giving my dh 'marital advice' from a not exactly neutral stand point, to say the least.

FWIW I have no problem with dh spending time or staying over with female friends. I have been naive about his one, but I am not about to stop him having contact with his other female friends in the future.

OP posts:
nkf · 27/04/2008 16:17

Boriso, I have to say "respect." You seem to dealing with this incredibly well.