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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH kissed his best friend (female)..

301 replies

boriso · 25/04/2008 11:34

One of Dh's best friends is female - they have been close for 20 years and met at Uni before I met dh.

Recently she has been going through some major marital diffuculties (she fell in love with somoone else and had an affair) and my dh has been a shoulder for her to cry on. Recently I have started to feel a bit uncomfortable about this. Nothing I could really put my finger on, I have never felt threatened by this woman.

Anyway, I checked his phone this morning (due to feeling not quite right about all of this) and it seems that when they last met up they kissed. The text from her read - "It was only a kiss don't stress about it too much, it was lovely though".

What would you do??!!

OP posts:

cheesesarnie · 26/04/2008 09:42

ggggrr at your dh!what a idiot.i agree id want him to cut all ties with her.so angry for you!my dh kissed someone else in front of me last year-he claimed he was very drunk and didnt know what he was doing.

Divastrop · 26/04/2008 09:59

i hope he has also deleted her number from his phone and will be cutting all ties with her.personally,it would be too much for me and in that situation my marriage would be over,but whatever you decide i hope it all works out for you.

PosieParker · 26/04/2008 10:05

TBH, I think men staying with women without recent infidelities is a no no. Perhaps by letting him have so much freedom with his relationship is a mistake, not that you are to blame but maybe a little too trusting. Your dh wouldn't be the first to get carried away with a female friend.
I would be asking him to end the friendship, the best of luck to you both.

CountessDracula · 26/04/2008 10:15

Is he going to show you the emails that he exchanged with her after the event?
That might put your mind at rest that they had both agreed it was a mistake and were not planning to take things further

Flowernat · 26/04/2008 10:17

Couldn't help but come and look to see how things are going for you Boriso...Yes you've handled it really well.Its so hard to sort stuff like this out when you want to protect kids but still need to have things out.Plenty to say to him,however you handle it!I know what thats like...But its worth it and you deserve not to have that sinking feeling that there's something not quite right going on...thinking of you.

AitchTwoCiao · 26/04/2008 10:19

oh dear. he does see that as a show of faith he'll have to get her out of your lives, doesn't he?

QuintessentialShadows · 26/04/2008 10:28

They have put it behind them and will continue their friendship? What planet is he on?

To be honest, it is pretty unlikely that a woman who has had an affair and is in emotional turmoil and regrets the affair, is jumping on the next man she sees. I would say she has learnt already that this is not the way to go. I am sorry, but isnt it more likely that Borisos dh was taking advantage of the cheating woman? After all, it is easy to prey on a vulnerable woman, and if she is already a cheater, he knows her "morals" (for lack of a better word) is not that great so it would be like one big flashing green light.
Why make her the predator, I reckon he is as much to blame as her.

And what on earth was he doing making himself available to support another mans cheating wife rather than his own bereaved wife?

Sorry for the loss of your mother Boriso, and sorry you are going throug this?

QuintessentialShadows · 26/04/2008 10:29

sorry, that question mark should have been an exclamation mark.

... so sorry you are going through this!

Carmenere · 26/04/2008 10:38

The huge red flag for me here is the fact that she is going to relate with her dh and yet hasn't told him about the affair.
She is not emotionally attached to her husband anymore, but she is to yours.
If your relationship is to recover she has to be totally out of your lives. So what if she is only with her dh because of the children, that is her decision, she is an adult, she is choosing to be with a man she doesn't love. why does she need support from your husband?
As has been pointed out before, wtf was he doing supporting her when you needed him?

I am very sorry for you boriso, you sound like you have had a really rough time.

CountessDracula · 26/04/2008 10:39

yes that is ridiculous
what a waste of time and money going to relationship counselling and telling lies

PosieParker · 26/04/2008 10:40

B....I would phone her husband and tell him. If this drives a wedge between you and your DH then he makes his choice quite clear, if he supports you then you can move forward. If he can't finish his friendship then he's not willing to do anything for you and this will persecute you everytime he's with her.
Pick up the phone and tell her dh that they kissed.

PosieParker · 26/04/2008 10:41

Or phone her and tell her that she is wrecking your marriage, give her the responsibility too.

QuintessentialShadows · 26/04/2008 10:42

I actually agree with Posie on this one... It is not in your place to mention her affair, but the fact that she and your husband kissed, is something I would tell her dh.

spicemonster · 26/04/2008 10:44

I agree with you carmenere - I think that's dodgy

Heated · 26/04/2008 10:49

Really admire how clear-sighted and strong you are being; hope your dh is freaked by it too.

Must admit the nastier part of me would be tempted to shake up her marriage; but I would settle for dh ending this friendship.

His priority is you and HIS marriage now. His loyalties are with you.

If the boot were on the other foot and you had kissed a male friend, what would he want you to do for his happiness and peace of mind?

Flowernat · 26/04/2008 10:50

and without being repetative, i agree with QS and Posie!

rubles · 26/04/2008 11:04

That 'lovely though' bit bugs me. If it had been left at the first bit it would sound like she was trying to put it behind them. But why add 'lovely though'. I would not do that if I wanted to bury something I regretted, it doesn't quite ring true. It is almost inviting him to respond 'yes it was lovely'.

I would ask to see the emails and even then would not believe she was sincere about forgetting about it.

Flynnie · 26/04/2008 11:05

B. Sorry that you are going through this.
Your Dh may well feel guilty about the kiss and regret it but to me his actions after the kiss are worse. He has made it a 'them and you' thing which imo is more damaging.

Keep strong. He has to let his friendship with her go. Wives come before friends so it should be a no brainer.

Freckle · 26/04/2008 11:20

How does boriso know that the OW hasn't told her husband of the affair? Why does he think they are going to relate?

Perhaps boriso's dh only knows what the OW is prepared to tell him. And, tbh, if a woman who had cheated on her husband had made any sort of move on mine, I wouldn't be sitting there saying "Oh it isn't my place to tell her dh of the affair." I would probably call her and tell her that if she had any sort of contact with my dh ever again, I would be contacting her dh to inform him of the affair.

I don't think boriso's dh is entirely blameless in all this, but the OW has form and knows that her actions are likely to wreck lives, but it's not stopping her. She has not tried to accept that the kiss was wrong; she even admits to enjoying it, which isn't the sign of someone who regrets overstepping the line.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 26/04/2008 11:25

I would definitely tell her husband about the kiss, you'll probably be doing him a huge favour, giving him a glimpse of the person she really is. He might do a bit of snooping of his own, and find out the whole truth.

Hope you have some good real life support boriso, this must be a very hard time for you. x

arfishy · 26/04/2008 11:25

Boriso, sorry to hear about your mum.

Having had an adulterous partner I really don't think your DH is up to no good/to blame here. It sounds like she pounced on him. If he's stressed about it then clearly he isn't comfortable with what happened.

He is obviously going to hide this from you, he doesn't want to hurt you - because I think she jumped on him and he immediately regretted/hated it. I think give him the benefit of the doubt.

I do think you need to get him to terminate the relationship though, she's definitely overstepped the mark. If I had 'accidentally' snogged an old married friend of 20 years I'd be mortified and apologise, not send leading texts.

SheWillBeLoved · 26/04/2008 11:32

I don't think that what he said about them trying to put it all behind them now will work. They have had 20 years of platonic friendship, and are fools to believe that after what has happened - it can carry on as just that. That kiss will always be in the back, possibly front, of their minds now whenever they are together. It won't just magically vanish from their memory.

I find it hard to understand why he is even so close with someone who thinks nothing of wrecking peoples marriages. And just how naive he really is to think he would come out of this friendship untouched by her claws.

If he respected you and your marriage, he would stay well away from her until things have calmed down. Infact, for as long as you wish for him to stay away. He owes you that.

KerryMum · 26/04/2008 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youknownothingofthecrunch · 26/04/2008 11:38

I am so sorry Boriso.

He has got to stop contact with her for your sake. You may not feel like it at the moment but you are the one with all the power in this situation. Her lies have given you an enormous hold over her. So if your DH is not willing to give up the relationship I would be getting in touch with her to end their friendship - knowing that if she does not you have more than enough info to give her dh.

I would also want to tell her dh about the kiss, but you sound a lot more together than I would be in that situation. He would not thank you for the information, but he would then be leaning on her to cut contact too.

What a mess. I hope you are able to talk today (he has cancelled the trip hasn't he?). I hope it all gets better for you.

spicemonster · 26/04/2008 11:39

I am going to confess something which I'd sort of forgotten about (well put to the back of my mind because I'm ashamed). A few years ago I had a drunken snog at a wedding with a very old friend of mine who is married with kids. I have never met his wife or his kids as they live on the other side of the world. It all came out that he'd always been attracted to me etc. The next time we saw one another, it happened again. We have now decided that we will never meet again because it's too unfair on his family (I'm single). My point is that I suspect that if there is an attraction between old friends, it might be difficult to extinguish the flame once it's been ignited.

I don't think he can see her again. And if that means her DH has to know the reason why, then so be it.

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