DH and I are foul to one another

[tiredsince2020]

I don’t know if anyone else experiences this, but far from being the best version of myself around DH I become irritable, snappy, defensive, sarcastic and passive aggressive, and I feel he’s much the same to me.

We have a lot of pressures on us as a family. We have two very young children (young toddler and preschool stage), I work three days a week, DH is full time but because his job does take him away sometimes and is a long commute he isn’t around much during the week. I feel he isn’t very supportive. For example yesterday I took both children out of the house in the morning to a church event, when I came home the house was still a tip. I didn’t expect a deep clean or anything but just a quick tidy of toys would have been good. I feel all the house stuff falls on me and it’s impossible to keep on top of. As a result the state of the house is a factor in everyone’s stress levels. But no sooner is it immaculate and gleaming than it is trashed.

I don’t feel he’s very supportive with the children - he does love them, but he’s happy to leave the kind of day to day mechanics to me and if we ever disagree on something it often doesn’t get addressed properly, meaning it just kind of festers.

I am sure there’s things he isn’t happy about with me too. But it comes out in these horrible ways. I know people will say to talk it out but I am not sure how. Mostly it I try to talk to him about something serious it ends up being my fault somehow or he just dismisses it.

I know I’ve painted him in a bad light here and honestly I was ready to tell him I wanted to end the marriage yesterday, and that might still happen but I really, really don’t want it to. Not for me but the children.

It’s hard to talk and not point out all of his faults, so it looks like criticism. Have you tried asking him to do things, pointing out what you actually want doing?

If he recognises things are not working then get some could
selling together. If he doesn’t get some solo counselling. You are at a brutal stage with preschoolers and both working, pulling together will make life much easier.

I try sometimes Dusty but it can be so difficult, he often needs so many instructions to do something that the time and the level of intervention needed means it’s so much speedier to do it myself and also can lead to further sniping, so a few days ago I asked for a change of clothes for DD and he brought some that were too small and I said this and then it was ‘well why does she have clothes that are too small in her wardrobe?’ and I bite back that I’ve had no time to go through and sort her wardrobe …

I think we both think the other has the easier life.

He’s never go for that @olderbutwiser and I can’t afford it and don’t have any free time. I really genuinely don’t.

You are describing my life currently too. It is like DH can't see anything. I am really fed up of working full time organising the shopping, cooking all medical appointments of which we have a lot.
I tried to down tools but he still does nothing, and I find the mess, dirty clothes etc so stressful that I just do it.
Some days we are barely talking. My dh has lots of medical problems but does nothing to help himself, like order prescriptions, contact drs even take his medication on time.
My dd (16) has MH problems that I am also managing. I just want to run away from it all.
I don't have advice for you as I feel like you, completely trapped and overwhelmed.💐

I literally could’ve written this myself! I love my DH and my family and I know we really want to be together but it’s really difficult. He says I need to ‘let things go’ more but it’s difficult when he’s constantly not pulling his weight in my opinion. He thinks he does enough which makes it harder?! As you say he is by no means a bad dad, but leaves the mechanics of family life to me!

Are you getting equal time off? So if he goes to the gym for 2 hours twice a week, are you getting 4 hours off elsewhere? You need to sort this to prevent resentment

My ex was like this, it isn't easy leaving so not saying it's the only option, but realistically these are grown men; they know stuff around the house needs doing, and although perhaps they don't comprehend the extent of doing everything for the children they know it's hard work. They don't care. They don't care that you're run ragged, they care more about not having to bother themselves. You shouldn't have to tell an adult who cares for you - I do everything around the house and with the children, whilst I'm out with said children can you please clean the house you also live in. It's pathetic- not you, but he is pathetic.

I was scared to leave but life is much better. Sure enough he can't really be bothered to have much contact with DS which is sad for DS' sake, but I feel so much less stressed and resentful. It feels like less work. The stress of it all at the time was making my physically ill, I had phases where I physically couldn't breathe properly and I had all sorts of tests, doctors ruled everything out and said stress/anxiety and I couldn't wrap my head around it leaving me frequently that unwell- but since leaving I haven't had it at all.

I think if you still have any love for him you need to sit him down one evening and tell him. Literally say ‘I hate how we speak to each other and I’m worried I’m going to end up asking for a divorce if you don’t help me more’ and leave that with him to think about.

As you say he is by no means a bad dad, but leaves the mechanics of family life to me!

I find this quite interesting, in what way is he a decent dad if he can't be bothered to support his family by partaking in the 'mechanics'? Do you mean the small amount of time he spends with them is inevitably largely stress free and the nicer bits so he can have more fun with them?

Has he always been like this or is it a recent thing ie is he just completely knackered too?

With the toys thing, I guess he may have thought “well they’ll be back soon and get them all out again” but equally I understand why it was so annoying. Do either of you get any time to yourselves? It sounds like leaving him with the kids for an evening or a morning and giving yourself a break would probably help. He may need a break too (though sounds like he got one yesterday).

On a general note I think it’s so much better to just say if you’re hoping things get done while you’re out. I will just say to DP now “we’ll be back at 1 so it’d be great if you would give this room a tidy and sort the kids’ lunch while we’re out”. I think esp when everyone is tired it’s easy to let any kid free time just slip by if you don’t think you’ve got specific “jobs”. He will do the same btw - say “the washing will be done in twenty mins so can you hang that up while we’re out? Thanks”.

I don’t want anyone else to have these stresses but it’s a relief to know we’re not alone! Dusty, it’s really hard to answer that because it isn’t even and it can’t be. So I work three days a week so have two days ‘off’ bit as everyone knows with two little children it’s anything but. On the other hand DH is working on those days so it isn’t time off: does a commute count as time off? Then I have school holidays (now) where I have a couple of days a week off. Often we divide and conquer so one parent has one child and one has the other.

@WitcheryDivine i know and it didn’t bother me as such it’s more than fact I clear that lounge about seven times a day. I don’t think he loves me and that makes me sad.

Whilst you’re dealing with the children is he doing other things like house repairs, laundry, gardening etc? Or is it that he literally leaves everything to you? If it’s the first then I would try and agree to a change in responsibilities so you get some time away from the children. If it’s the latter, so he does nothing and you do everything, then you need to explain to him that you’re essentially dealing with three children and it’s not your job to direct him as to what needs doing. I had friends in a similar position and it had arisen because he worked long hours and so she did everything whilst on maternity leave and when she went back to work the roles didn’t adapt. Eventually they did split things more fairly. Another couple I know, she said she felt like his manager constantly having to tell him what to do and they divorced. However my take on it was that she only ever felt things done her way was the right way and nothing he did ever met those standards and he felt it wasn’t worth trying as she complained about all he did and re-did it. These scenarios may not apply here but I hope they help you think about why this may be happening in your relationship so you can find a solution. Good luck.

Did you live together before you conceived? Did he ever properly perform housework tasks or initiate and plan any sort of labour then? Or was it all on you?

He leaves everything to me @PestoPastaChaChaCha but I genuinely don’t see how this can be addressed because honestly we have talked about it before and it just doesn’t get us anywhere and I would say trying to bring it up is actually more detrimental to the marriage at this stage as it turns to petty bickering and point scoring and defensiveness on both sides.

I know once both children are at school it will be easier so part of me thinks i just need to hold out until then. Or alternatively have an extra half day to sort the house. But that’s at a literal financial cost to me which also feels unfair.

@ThatWarmJadeSeal it can be hard to interpret tone on here but that came across as both scathing and sarcastic. Yes we lived together but since neither of us are nursery age we didn’t make much of a mess. And any mess that did happen could be dealt with rapidly and it just wasn’t a source of stress.

We have also moved house since having the children and I think DH does have moving regret … not sure. It’s yet another thing we can’t talk about. But this house is admittedly harder to keep clean and tidy with limited storage and lots of small rooms.

Houses need to be deep cleaned. Did he ever suggest pulling out the fridge and cleaning behind it? Would be ever do any sort of household labour totally off his own back? Would he ever crack on with something that he noticed needed to be done?

How does he treat his family? How did he treat other kids in his family? Did you ever see anyone who knows him longer than you ask him to babysit or petsit?

Honestly, if you and your partner are foul to each other and your kids witness this, it's abusive to them. You're teaching them this is what love looks like.

While you were out yesterday, what DID he do?! Because that's how I woukd address it. You had yet another weekend (and week) where you were wither working or dealing with the children or other chores. But he.... sat around watching sport on Sunday morning? Or went to the gym on Tuesday night?

The issue is thatbso often men thunk that childcare and household tasks are optional for them, but weody, that they are also NOT tasks for women - we like.doing them or something. So he's tired from working so why should he do these things but if you point out you are also tired you can't possibly be as tired because your life is easier because you work part time sns child care and house car isn't that big a deal.

If your marriage is to survive then you have to be able to talk constructively together, even if talking doesn't immediately change everything. Would you consider marriage guidance? If not, maybe solo counselling for you to help you decide what you want to do.

The problem with that is that it focuses on one very specific incident and that’s when the bickering starts. I don’t actually care one jot if he had a lazy morning: I do care that I’m literally the only person ever doing anything in the house.

I wish it was possible for us to have a proper conversation about it where he agrees that he’s not helpful but unfortunately I know from experience it isn’t. It really is a put up or leave situation.

In your reply you said you’re not sure he loves you - I’m really sorry that’s how you’re feeling. Is there anyone you could leave the kids with for the day (or could you both take a morning off work while both kids are occupied) and really have a heart to heart about this underlying sadness in your marriage. No one deserves to live in a partnership where they feel unloved. What do your friends think of him/the situation?

There’s absolutely no one and honestly u fs t stress enough that even if there was it wouldn’t help. It would just turn into bickering, passive aggressive digs and sullen silence.

I agree with this.
I think this is a very common situation. I felt this way on occasion towards DH , when the children were very small. I wasn’t working while he was, which made me feel as though my responsibility was the home and children, plus he is actually someone who has always done a lot with the children, and who also cooks the evening meal. Yet still on occasion I would feel fried and exhausted from the boredom and drudgery of never-ending housework, the energy and focus it took to look after two tiny children on badly broken sleep.I was snappy and resentful, I would feel furious if he did things like walk downstairs without taking down the dirty laundry down that was waiting at the top, just small things but sometimes each small thing felt like the last straw. It’s a really tough time and as pps said you need to pull together.
The only way to stop the resentment eating away at you is to talk to him and explain your feelings, and ask for him to pull his weight with the house and children. In his head he is working full time and these things are your job, so you need to work out a fair and equal division of labour. I know that for me it never felt equal because housework is so thankless and generally unenjoyable, whereas DH enjoys his job and finds it fulfilling. So that does need to be factored in, the quality of life for each of you.

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He is probably quite exhausted after full time work and a long commute. I think you need to instigate tidying hour together eg
Sunday afternoon 4pm
Also a half hour every evening after dc in bed.
If insufficient he can take DC to park /soft play/supermarket for an hour at weekend and you clean

Could you afford a cleaner until DC in school? Then it's just tidying