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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH and I are foul to one another

285 replies

tiredsince2020 · 28/10/2024 07:42

I don’t know if anyone else experiences this, but far from being the best version of myself around DH I become irritable, snappy, defensive, sarcastic and passive aggressive, and I feel he’s much the same to me.

We have a lot of pressures on us as a family. We have two very young children (young toddler and preschool stage), I work three days a week, DH is full time but because his job does take him away sometimes and is a long commute he isn’t around much during the week. I feel he isn’t very supportive. For example yesterday I took both children out of the house in the morning to a church event, when I came home the house was still a tip. I didn’t expect a deep clean or anything but just a quick tidy of toys would have been good. I feel all the house stuff falls on me and it’s impossible to keep on top of. As a result the state of the house is a factor in everyone’s stress levels. But no sooner is it immaculate and gleaming than it is trashed.

I don’t feel he’s very supportive with the children - he does love them, but he’s happy to leave the kind of day to day mechanics to me and if we ever disagree on something it often doesn’t get addressed properly, meaning it just kind of festers.

I am sure there’s things he isn’t happy about with me too. But it comes out in these horrible ways. I know people will say to talk it out but I am not sure how. Mostly it I try to talk to him about something serious it ends up being my fault somehow or he just dismisses it.

I know I’ve painted him in a bad light here and honestly I was ready to tell him I wanted to end the marriage yesterday, and that might still happen but I really, really don’t want it to. Not for me but the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredsince2020 · 28/10/2024 09:04

It really isn’t just the toys. I genuinely don’t need advice on cleaning, I know how to clean, I just need time to do it and I have no time and as soon as I’ve cleaned it’s a shit tip within days.

OP posts:
LittleHangleton · 28/10/2024 09:05

Could you lower your tidiness expectations @tiredsince2020?

Original poster
tiredsince2020 · 28/10/2024 09:05

But thank you for the solidarity. I wish I had easy answers here. I wish I felt respected and cared about and cherished I suppose. As it is I’m a cleaner, nanny and whore and not very good at any of them Sad

OP posts:
Nettleskeins · 28/10/2024 09:06

Also, and this sounds a bit random .....check your bloods at GP if you are feeling tired and overwhelmed. It wasn't just my husband or the kids
I had vitamin D deficiency. A loading dose and regular weekly dose prescribed made enormous difference to my energy levels and irritability. As did sunshine and fresh air.
Vital.
Could be folates or B12 or iron deficiency. There can be physical reasons why you feel so fed up. And his bloods too

Original poster
tiredsince2020 · 28/10/2024 09:06

LittleHangleton · 28/10/2024 09:05

Could you lower your tidiness expectations @tiredsince2020?

It really honestly isn’t just the cleaning although I know the threads has focused on that. It is bad for stress levels though when food is everywhere in the kitchen and toys and dirty clothes strewn throughout the house and surfaces piled high. But even if I say okay … doesn’t matter, everyone needs to eat (well the children do) they need clean clothes.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredsince2020 · 28/10/2024 09:07

I’m tired because the younger one sleeps badly and that all falls on me too. I make stupid mistakes and I lose stuff constantly. But DH sits up late watching stuff on TV. He hears her cry and ignores it and leaves it to me. Because he doesn’t care.

OP posts:
Nettleskeins · 28/10/2024 09:16

Start at the beginning. Cook one less proper meal a week, make something nutritious but which requires little washing up or reheat something doubled up.
Sort one drawer, get rid of a few things
Go for one brisk walk every day without kids could be five mins whilst he is in charge
Say one nice thing every day to him without fail and mean it
Write down feelings of rage and resentment if are in extremis but don't say them just yet. See if patternforming of grudges /misunderstanding. Later when you have time to reflect not in heat of moment .
Look at something beautiful for one min every day ...could be an apple could be your children's foot. Stop.
Go to gp for blood tests

Runsyd · 28/10/2024 09:17

Laptoppie · 28/10/2024 08:05

My ex was like this, it isn't easy leaving so not saying it's the only option, but realistically these are grown men; they know stuff around the house needs doing, and although perhaps they don't comprehend the extent of doing everything for the children they know it's hard work. They don't care. They don't care that you're run ragged, they care more about not having to bother themselves. You shouldn't have to tell an adult who cares for you - I do everything around the house and with the children, whilst I'm out with said children can you please clean the house you also live in. It's pathetic- not you, but he is pathetic.

I was scared to leave but life is much better. Sure enough he can't really be bothered to have much contact with DS which is sad for DS' sake, but I feel so much less stressed and resentful. It feels like less work. The stress of it all at the time was making my physically ill, I had phases where I physically couldn't breathe properly and I had all sorts of tests, doctors ruled everything out and said stress/anxiety and I couldn't wrap my head around it leaving me frequently that unwell- but since leaving I haven't had it at all.

Kudos that you left. I wish I could find the strength.

Original poster
tiredsince2020 · 28/10/2024 09:18

@Nettleskeins i don’t want to sound argumentative but - no. It is no less work for me to make chicken nuggets than it is to make home made spaghetti bolognaise, it’s just a chopped onion. It’s my marriage that’s a problem, not my cooking. I don’t know why you’re acting as if I am locked in the house doing nothing but snarling at DH and cleaning, we do a lot. I know it was meant supportively but my god that was patronising.

OP posts:
3within3 · 28/10/2024 09:21

But it’s not about the mess. It’s about the support and feeling like a team. OP I recognise this feeling well, my Exh would tell me my expectations were too high, I’d feel so stressed, overwhelmed and lonely. Now I have a DH who will say to me “let’s spend ten mins doing a quick tidy together and then sit down and watch a new show” and honestly it’s a different world, I don’t care about the mess.
So it’s not about your ‘standards’ it’s about your support. If you think you might be able to get there with your DH then go for it and work it through, there’s some good advice on this thread (except those suggesting delegating or asking for ‘help’) but if you don’t, then leave I’m so glad I did

ThatWarmJadeSeal · 28/10/2024 09:21

tiredsince2020 · 28/10/2024 09:18

@Nettleskeins i don’t want to sound argumentative but - no. It is no less work for me to make chicken nuggets than it is to make home made spaghetti bolognaise, it’s just a chopped onion. It’s my marriage that’s a problem, not my cooking. I don’t know why you’re acting as if I am locked in the house doing nothing but snarling at DH and cleaning, we do a lot. I know it was meant supportively but my god that was patronising.

Sorry but it sounds like you need that level of support. You don't seem to truly understand your own situation past the fact it hurts your feelings.

WellHelloScottie · 28/10/2024 09:22

tiredsince2020 · 28/10/2024 09:07

I’m tired because the younger one sleeps badly and that all falls on me too. I make stupid mistakes and I lose stuff constantly. But DH sits up late watching stuff on TV. He hears her cry and ignores it and leaves it to me. Because he doesn’t care.

TBF to pps. That's a very different story to your original op.

3within3 · 28/10/2024 09:23

But it’s not about the mess. It’s about the support and feeling like a team. OP I recognise this feeling well, my Exh would tell me my expectations were too high, I’d feel so stressed, overwhelmed and lonely. Now I have a DH who will say to me “let’s spend ten mins doing a quick tidy together and then sit down and watch a new show” and honestly it’s a different world, I don’t care about the mess.
So it’s not about your ‘standards’ it’s about your support. If you think you might be able to get there with your DH then go for it and work it through, there’s some good advice on this thread (except those suggesting delegating or asking for ‘help’) but if you don’t, then don’t stay

Nettleskeins · 28/10/2024 09:25

You arent making stupid mistakes and you are allowed to lose things. Everyone makes mistakes and loses things. It's how it is. You are not failing in any way. You are a devoted mum working flat out. Your children are growing andearning. Good things from your love. What I'm hearing now is how unloved and unsupported you feel. Maybe it isnt possible for a partner to give us all we need at this unbelievably stressful and demanding point in our lives. You have to have compassion for Yourself first. He is not the only source of love and support.

DeepRoseFish · 28/10/2024 09:25

This is misogyny. Of course he doesn’t see it as his job he’s a man! We live in a patriarchal society and he is stealing your time because he believes he is entitled to it. All the communication in the world will get you nowhere.

He won’t change. The only thing that can change is you or your kids growing older so it gets easier.

Original poster
tiredsince2020 · 28/10/2024 09:29

@DeepRoseFish i know, believe me. It’s getting through and surviving but it’s so hard. I remember my own mum always being snappy and overreacting to stupid stuff and I really understand why now!

OP posts:
Flixon · 28/10/2024 09:32

I'm very sorry for your situation. It really hard to be in this place and I sympathise. The things that really hit me was that you feel he doesn't love you any longer and that, deep down you no longer love him.

In my experience, couples who do still under all the stress love each other and care fr each other will get trough this because they will be able to listen and try to support the other. In your place, honestly I would lose all respect for him ( and that is what happened to me) and I realised that with the loss of respect, loss of love was inevitable. And I divorced
There is still the same amount of work to do on your own, but its a lot easier when there isn't another able bodies adult sitting down and doing fuck all.
I think its worth one last try - seriously blunt conversation, "Im considering separation and divorce. Is that what you want. if not how can we make it better."

Original poster
tiredsince2020 · 28/10/2024 09:35

I know. The problem is I’m not sure I am. If it was just us it would obviously be different but the impact on our children would be too great.

OP posts:
DeepRoseFish · 28/10/2024 09:35

tiredsince2020 · 28/10/2024 09:29

@DeepRoseFish i know, believe me. It’s getting through and surviving but it’s so hard. I remember my own mum always being snappy and overreacting to stupid stuff and I really understand why now!

So the only thing question you need to answer then is do you want this for your children?

Flixon · 28/10/2024 09:40

What impact on your children are you afraid of ? I mean most afraid of ?

KTSl1964 · 28/10/2024 09:42

Hi op - it sounds dire for you. Do you have any time to yourself? could you do with some treats for you ie massage, facial - your not asking for much from him and he’s not stepping up - he wants spoon feeding - no initiative- can you leave him with the children to go out for a break?
Im fully aware of the drudgery - I did put my son in nursery the odd extra day so I could have a break - ex was useless - he couldn’t cope - yours seems selfish - in gerneral I moan but he didn’t change - you maybe better going solo but that’s easier said than done.
Maybe try and focus on yourself - ways for you that make your life better.

Boobygravy · 28/10/2024 09:45

At this stage @tiredsince2020 you would lose nothing and may gain something by getting a cleaner in even temporarily for a few months.
At the moment you can’t see the wood for the trees.

I remember years ago a previous mnetter arranged to go away for a week without telling her dh until the day of. She primed family not to help her dh and she left him with the dc.
She didn’t leave any meals or do the washing.
When she returned he finally realised just how much she had been doing.
It’s a tough thing to go ahead with but it saved her marriage.

ComingBackHome · 28/10/2024 09:48

I don’t think he loves me and that makes me sad.

If that is the case, then whatever you do will get you nowhere.

I don’t want to be too harsh but
He isn’t going to take on more work to lighten your load if he doesn’t care about you. 😢😢
(The reality bring that he sees HW and childcare stuff as your responsibility, not his)

ComingBackHome · 28/10/2024 09:49

@Boobygravy i did something similar but in my case, it was weekends.

I was working every other weekends and just left dh to it.
It didn’t take him long to learn how much work it was and how it was to actually do all that by yourself.

It did help.

tantrummingterrors · 28/10/2024 09:52

Honestly it’s so hard. I feel that those years have had such a long term impact on my marriage that I’m still fighting down the resentment of it all years on. It does get easier and better but I’ve found I almost had to reset my thoughts in respect of DP otherwise I think he’d be under the patio!
the house is definitely the biggest bone of contention. Getting a cleaner definitely helps, organising storage and letting less stuff in through the door (this is easier as they get older).