SAHM and divorce...any family lawyers?

[cookiesandcream24]

I know I won't be the only one in this situation...I will keep it brief

Absolutely not attracted to DH anymore, excuse after excuse to avoid anything intimate and just totally lost any romantic interest in him. Not something that will come back with counselling etc. Two kids primary age.

I have been a SAHM for ten years to allow my husband to continue his career, which takes him out of the country and always has done. For up to three weeks at a time. I've had a long long slog of a lot of single parenting during those ten years. He is a high earner so we chose to do it this way so I could be there for the kids 100pc whilst he's away.

My question is should I be now getting myself a job or should I wait ? As someone told me I should get proper legal advice before getting a job as it may look better if I don't? If we get to divorce point I mean...

Both kids (only as of this year) are now in school...

Anyone shed any light or been in same situation? My concerns are money as I don't have much back up. Huge mortgage.

🙏🏼

Why wouldn't you get a job? How old are your dc?
Is their no wrap round care near you?
I.never understand the "oh I couldn't possibly work, I need to be a sahm because my dh earns so much money working hard'
How do you think single parents cope with working?!

Her question was more around the strategy for divorce I believe, ie. Not should I get a job but when should I get one? Would it be better to go through the divorce still a SAHM as she has been to this point.

I don’t know the answer I’m afraid OP but you are right not to rush into anything until you understand the consequences.

I used to be a family law solicitor. Essentially it makes no real difference. Either way the settlement will be made on the assumption that you will find work.

I would recommend using this time to think about positioning yourself for a career, not just a job.

@Icanttakethisanymore yes exactly this!

I am just aware every factor matters when it comes down to it..

@exprecis thank you yes sensible advice

@exprecis also aware I have lost ten years in terms of my career therefore my earning capacity has reduced significantly because I have supported his career all this time

What was your career trajectory up till you became a sahm? Could you look at ex colleagues have same qualifications and were at your level when you left work and where they are now?

Absolutely and you should receive more than 50:50 of the total assets as a result. But unless he is an extremely high earner, you are unlikely to get spousal maintenance and your standard of living will drop.

Best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to think about what you can do to get a decent career

@DoreenonTill8 my career would have taken off for sure. I'm back to putting the feelers out and salary would be starting from the bottom again really

@exprecis yes I don't think I'd get spousal either, I hear it's pretty rare these days.

I hate the thought of selling the house as this would just add so much stress for everyone, the children mainly.

I won't be doing anything drastic just yet for sure, you are right I need to make use of this time to have a plan in place.

The other thing about having a plan is that it makes you look much more reasonable in court and you could argue for some time limited spousal maintenance. Say, for example, you plan to do a masters degree after which you could earn more, the judge might order spousal to tide you through

@exprecis ah right yes I understand. Thats really sound advice thank you. Yes I mean my earning potential will undoubtedly be low right now.

I wouldn’t even consider getting spousal to be honest, unless he’s a millionaire it’s not happening.

If I was you I’d be getting a job purely because you will need one to support yourself as a newly single mum and I’d rather have get my bearings in a new job now so that if it’s quickly clear it’s not the right fit I have time to look for something else before you are actually dependent on that money to pay bills.

I suggest you make an appointment with a solicitor, phone round to find out which one sounds the most sympathetic towards you without your DH knowing. Find out what courses are available to bring you up to career level for the workplace, maybe you will have to study, to be able to earn a higher salary.

Absolutely get a job/ career
Why on earth did you give your job up

@Motheranddaughter it's not unusual or weird to be a SAHM you know!

Former solicitor here. You will be expected to work but if your H is a high earner and is away with work or works long hours and is unlikely to be able to share care equally with you then you should consider career options that are going to work for your family.

It isn't unreasonable , if you are not in the SE, to ask for time limited spousal maintenance while you retrain for a new career or until you can work full time - but the sooner you are in work the better as then you will have a mortgage capacity etc.

If retraining is likely to get you a better job or one that is child friendly then do the retraining now as you don't get the chance if you are working when you split as your H snd the court won't say stop work to retrain.

You may get loads of OPs saying your H should equally share the care of the children whether he is the higher earner or not but then you won't get as much in child support or potentially as much of the equity in the family home.

If you know the plan is to split then try to save as much as you can and encourage your H to do so - plenty of people go on hols, build extensions and take out car leases etc when they need to be planning for their future.

I would not worry about having to uproot the children and selling the family home as the children will be happy if you are and hopefully if you do have to downsize you won't have to change the children's schools.

It is a good idea to see a solicitor but get a good idea of the equity in the FMH, pension transfer values and income before you do so

I am a family lawyer (currently) and I find the responses upthread to be inaccurate (sorry!).

if your DH is a high earner and you have enough capital and assets to split 50:50 with both parties’ needs met, that will be the starting point. In other words this is likely to be a ‘sharing’ case rather than a ‘needs’ case. You can then make arguments to depart from the principle of equality. For example your housing needs are greater as you have primary care of the children. Your income capacity is lower etc. You could also make arguments that some assets are separate property (such as inheritance that was never mingled with family finances) but that wouldn’t matter if there wasn’t enough otherwise to meet both parties’ needs. Ultimately though if there is enough to go around it will be a 50:50 split.

income is different. The sharing principle does not apply, it’s all about needs. I actually think as a SAHM for ten years you would have a a good case for spousal maintenance. In high income / value cases this will be more about standard of living during the marriage alongside the other s.25 factors, otherwise it is designed to limit ‘undue hardship’. Hardship during a period of adjustment back to independence is acceptable and may be unavoidable. SS v NS (spousal maintenance) [2014] is the leading case.

It will be term limited assuming you are young enough to retrain and work in the future, but particularly if you have young children, I can see a judge awarding this if it got that far. If there is enough capital and assets otherwise to award you more of that instead of ongoing maintenance to allow for a clean break, that is another option. At the very least though I would be arguing for nominal spousal maintenance, in case you hit hard times later down the line, and it can be varied up. It’s well recognised that child maintenance is usually not enough and SM is a kind of safety net to top it up where necessary.

The only reason SM has fallen out of favour in recent years is because of the obsession with courts trying to award a clean break, but that is often not appropriate when there are young children.

tactically, yes it is better to wait before getting a job. In reality though you may want to do so if the security is more important. And your H could always apply for any SM award to be varied if you started earning significantly.

I hope this helps - really, a lot depends on what all the financials are as a whole, but these are the principles.

I have been a SAHM for ten years to allow my husband to continue his career

No....he would have had the career with or without you. You could have worked and used childcare like lots of people do. You being a STAHM has absolutely no bearing on how good he is at his job and how well he has done.

But that was your choice. An unwise one for many IMHO. I think you need to consider where you will live. If the mortgage is huge who will pay it if you remain in the house.

Omg - legally, it was decision made by both parties as part of the marriage. So yes OP may be entitled to spousal maintenance and also the law does not distinguish between homemaker and breadwinner.

what a nasty misogynistic comment. Of course she has helped further his career because he most likely has had to do very little of the domestic drudgery that comes with child rearing.

“Hey Bob, can you do a three week trip to China tomorrow to finalise our deal with XYZ Corp?”

”No, sorry, I need to collect Molly at 3.15 and then drop Mandy at Cubs at 4.30, and Mrs Bob is working.”

Sorry but that's a load of rubbish.

It's the sort of thing single working mums say, 'Oh well I have to work full time AND do all the parenting'. They probably don't work away though do they?
In this case the OP's DH works abroad/away, hence he can't exactly drop everything to pick little Jimmy up at 3:20.

Of course she has helped him build his career by dropping work. If she did work, she'd have to try and work around school pick ups while trying to build a career, no easy feat and I understand why many drop it all together, so she's asking sensible advice.

As usual these threads turn into SAHM bashing threads.

@Reginald123 thank you that is super helpful. This is exactly what I am looking to find out, some bits of info to help me understand better my position and what I should be doing now so I'm covered. Nothing is going to happen imminently but ultimately I know this is what the future holds.

@Piggled thank you for your solid advice. This is all helping me sort out the muddle in my brain. I will use this time wisely and get my ducks in a row then and start looking for a career that could work around my children I guess.

And yes thank you for point out, my husband absolutely could not have continued in his job without me taking on the majority of the child care. When he is at work he is out of the country anything between 10-14 days every rotation. And it has been like for ten years. And this is unlikely to change even if we split as he is pigeon holed in his career. So he will always do less of the child care

@HohohoGreenGiant @TheWayTheLightFalls

Yes thank you for saying. So much hatred for SAHM on here I don't get it. We didn't chose to do it because we were loaded we chose to do it because it was the only way we could see it working given the circumstances. People have no idea how incredibly hard it is. Every single thing is down to me, with no else there to do the odd pick up or have dinner ready, make a packed lunch, do parents evening, take kids for medical appointments. I carry it all