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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SAHM and divorce...any family lawyers?

110 replies

cookiesandcream24 · 27/10/2024 19:54

I know I won't be the only one in this situation...I will keep it brief

Absolutely not attracted to DH anymore, excuse after excuse to avoid anything intimate and just totally lost any romantic interest in him. Not something that will come back with counselling etc. Two kids primary age.

I have been a SAHM for ten years to allow my husband to continue his career, which takes him out of the country and always has done. For up to three weeks at a time. I've had a long long slog of a lot of single parenting during those ten years. He is a high earner so we chose to do it this way so I could be there for the kids 100pc whilst he's away.

My question is should I be now getting myself a job or should I wait ? As someone told me I should get proper legal advice before getting a job as it may look better if I don't? If we get to divorce point I mean...

Both kids (only as of this year) are now in school...

Anyone shed any light or been in same situation? My concerns are money as I don't have much back up. Huge mortgage.

🙏🏼

OP posts:
Motheranddaughter · 28/10/2024 07:28

cookiesandcream24 · 27/10/2024 21:08

@Motheranddaughter it's not unusual or weird to be a SAHM you know!

I didn't say it was weird or unusual
But it is very risky

exprecis · 28/10/2024 07:30

Ha, you get three lawyers together, you get three slightly different opinions, always the way! To be fair, I think a lot of it is that we may have made different assumptions on how high an earner your husband is. On Mumsnet, people seem to use the term for anything from 50k up, I wasn't sure if this would get into the high net worth bracket.

I do agree with @Piggled on the possibility of time limited spousal maintenance - but the mistake I have often seen clients make is not making the most of it and just putting their head in the sand, not making any changes and not having a plan for when it goes away.

I really recommend making a plan to get your career back on track and if there is something specific like restraining you want to do, you could definitely argue for time limited maintenance to get time to do it.

It sounds like whatever you do, you will have primary care of the children and will need to work around them but I would urge you not to, as I know a lot of former SAHMs do (apologies if I am making an unfair assumption as you haven't said this), restrict yourself only to term time 10-2 work, you will earn a lot more if you use some childcare and expand your options to 9-5 roles too.

Nottodaythankyou123 · 28/10/2024 07:31

I’m sorry, I haven’t RTFT my bad, but a friend of mine was a SAHM to school age children (v similar situation actually) and the judge felt she should be getting a job now the kids are at school. Had the kids been pre-school that wouldn’t have been the case but once they start school the expectation was that she found a job.

Original poster
cookiesandcream24 · 28/10/2024 07:36

@exprecis yes good reminder for me thank you. Mostly those part time term time only jobs are not far off minimum wage so you're right I will make sure I expand from this to give myself the best chance.

Ha yes all solicitors will have their own view based on their experiences I guess. But it's fine, I'm finding all this very useful

OP posts:
anxioussister · 28/10/2024 07:37

Motheranddaughter · 27/10/2024 21:04

Absolutely get a job/ career
Why on earth did you give your job up

ifs not helpful to be outraged - there are a million reasons why someone might put their job down for a period raising children

exprecis · 28/10/2024 07:37

Washingupdone · 27/10/2024 20:49

I suggest you make an appointment with a solicitor, phone round to find out which one sounds the most sympathetic towards you without your DH knowing. Find out what courses are available to bring you up to career level for the workplace, maybe you will have to study, to be able to earn a higher salary.

So the thing I would say about choosing a solicitor is - absolutely it's important to get someone you feel you can work with and these days it's normal for them not to be local, you can shop around.

But solicitors vary in how rounded a view they will give you - some will encourage you to fight for every penny, some will be more pragmatic about the trade off between that and legal costs, some will tell you want you want to hear, some will try to change your mind if they disagree with your approach.

You sort of see it on this thread with three of us giving slightly different vibes.

What I would say is it's worth meeting a few - at least 3, if not 4-5, to give a sense of these sorts of differences and to help get a sense of what you want in a lawyer.

CrispieCake · 28/10/2024 07:38

amothersinstinct · 28/10/2024 05:54

I have been a SAHM for ten years to allow my husband to continue his career

No....he would have had the career with or without you. You could have worked and used childcare like lots of people do. You being a STAHM has absolutely no bearing on how good he is at his job and how well he has done.

Why not go away for a few weeks, OP and see how long your husband's present career lasts without you providing 24/7 free childcare and household management?

I imagine he'd have to change his job pretty quick unless he can find a boarding school that takes 4yos.

Icanttakethisanymore · 28/10/2024 07:47

amothersinstinct · 28/10/2024 05:54

I have been a SAHM for ten years to allow my husband to continue his career

No....he would have had the career with or without you. You could have worked and used childcare like lots of people do. You being a STAHM has absolutely no bearing on how good he is at his job and how well he has done.

I don’t think it necessarily matters if ‘he’d have had the career anyway’ though. They wanted children, they decided between them that someone was going to stay home and look after them and they both agreed it would be her. She has obviously been disadvantaged financially as a consequence of a joint decision so he should go find way to compensate her for that when they go their separate ways. Obviously she could have worked, they could have got a nanny, but they BOTH agreed she would be the one to look after them.

Original poster
cookiesandcream24 · 28/10/2024 07:48

@CrispieCake absolutely! Thanks for the perspective 😊

@exprecis would you recommend just booking a few of these free 30 mins consultations a lot seem to offer then? Yes I can imagine they can vary wildly in their approach

OP posts:
exprecis · 28/10/2024 07:51

Yes book in for a few - you won't get that much actual advice from the consultations but it will give you a sense of what they are like.

Original poster
cookiesandcream24 · 28/10/2024 07:55

@exprecis ok yes. Important to be on the same page and be able to work with this person to get the best result. It's simply all about the children for me, that they don't end up worse off. But already I can hear this might be unavoidable 😔

OP posts:
BeckyBloom · 28/10/2024 07:55

I was in this exact position 16 years ago. My solicitor told me it didn't matter if I got a job or not. I got the lions share of the equity in our home, one year of spousal support and obviously maintenance for the children until they reached 18. It was enough for me to buy a house outright and take a year to retrain.

Original poster
cookiesandcream24 · 28/10/2024 07:56

@BeckyBloom really that's interesting. Sounds like you came out ok? Any regrets? Thanks for sharing

OP posts:
BeckyBloom · 28/10/2024 08:00

No regrets from my side but plenty from his! He was having an affair which didn't work out well for him but I'm still in my lovely divorce settlement house, not as lovely as the previous family home but safe and peaceful.

Greentreesandbushes · 28/10/2024 08:01

Quietly get your ducks in a row. Check pension, income, savings, shares etc. Then give your self some time.

BeckyBloom · 28/10/2024 08:01

My solicitor was a family friend who was very experienced in family law and I felt I deserved every penny after what ex had put me through!

Original poster
cookiesandcream24 · 28/10/2024 08:01

@BeckyBloom That is great so nice it turned out ok for you. Just got to that point where I feel like life is too short to be unhappy

OP posts:
BeckyBloom · 28/10/2024 08:02

Oh I also got half his pension too. He now wishes he could turn back time.

Original poster
cookiesandcream24 · 28/10/2024 08:04

@Greentreesandbushes this is pretty much what I've taken from all this. I mean my youngest has only just started school, which is think has finally given me a little head space to realise what's going on.

@BeckyBloom ohh you were lucky you had someone to get outcome for you. Good for you

OP posts:
premierleague · 28/10/2024 08:08

cookiesandcream24 · 28/10/2024 07:08

@HohohoGreenGiant @TheWayTheLightFalls

Yes thank you for saying. So much hatred for SAHM on here I don't get it. We didn't chose to do it because we were loaded we chose to do it because it was the only way we could see it working given the circumstances. People have no idea how incredibly hard it is. Every single thing is down to me, with no else there to do the odd pick up or have dinner ready, make a packed lunch, do parents evening, take kids for medical appointments. I carry it all

It's not hatred, it's just that it's usually a very bad decision for women in the long-term, as you have discovered.

YRGAM · 28/10/2024 08:11

cookiesandcream24 · 28/10/2024 07:55

@exprecis ok yes. Important to be on the same page and be able to work with this person to get the best result. It's simply all about the children for me, that they don't end up worse off. But already I can hear this might be unavoidable 😔

I'm sorry to be harsh, but if you're leaving your DH because you're not attracted to him anymore (as opposed to leaving for abuse reasons or because of a volatile/violent home environment) the kids will obviously be worse off because they're losing a stable two parent set up. So you might as well admit that to yourself and focus on the financial side

77Fee · 28/10/2024 08:13

What happens if your ex loses his job though?

I'm in a position of receiving spousal, well, was, but now my ex has announced he is no longer working - he's being vague on the details as to whether he or his employer made that choice. I'm in a horrid place now because although I work FT, I can't meet my bills.

Sorry, don't mean to hijack your thread.

YRGAM · 28/10/2024 08:14

Reginald123 · 27/10/2024 21:55

Former solicitor here. You will be expected to work but if your H is a high earner and is away with work or works long hours and is unlikely to be able to share care equally with you then you should consider career options that are going to work for your family.

It isn't unreasonable , if you are not in the SE, to ask for time limited spousal maintenance while you retrain for a new career or until you can work full time - but the sooner you are in work the better as then you will have a mortgage capacity etc.

If retraining is likely to get you a better job or one that is child friendly then do the retraining now as you don't get the chance if you are working when you split as your H snd the court won't say stop work to retrain.

You may get loads of OPs saying your H should equally share the care of the children whether he is the higher earner or not but then you won't get as much in child support or potentially as much of the equity in the family home.

If you know the plan is to split then try to save as much as you can and encourage your H to do so - plenty of people go on hols, build extensions and take out car leases etc when they need to be planning for their future.

I would not worry about having to uproot the children and selling the family home as the children will be happy if you are and hopefully if you do have to downsize you won't have to change the children's schools.

It is a good idea to see a solicitor but get a good idea of the equity in the FMH, pension transfer values and income before you do so

Sorry but this is not accurate and a bit of self delusion IMO. In what way are the children going to be happy having their non-abusive family unit broken up, with the additional stresses and factors this brings to children?

Original poster
cookiesandcream24 · 28/10/2024 08:17

@77Fee that's ok! Sorry to hear that. No its useful to hear others experiences and possible future problems. Thanks for sharing

OP posts:
exprecis · 28/10/2024 08:21

77Fee · 28/10/2024 08:13

What happens if your ex loses his job though?

I'm in a position of receiving spousal, well, was, but now my ex has announced he is no longer working - he's being vague on the details as to whether he or his employer made that choice. I'm in a horrid place now because although I work FT, I can't meet my bills.

Sorry, don't mean to hijack your thread.

This is one of the reasons why I didn't encourage my clients to go for spousal even when they could get it. It is long term dependency on someone who doesn't love you any more and that often will go wrong.

The sad truth is that unless there are a lot of assets to go round, the standard of living goes down for both parties and especially for the lower earning party if they have children. Doesn't necessarily mean it's the wrong thing to do but it is what it is.

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