SAHM and divorce...any family lawyers?

[cookiesandcream24]

I know I won't be the only one in this situation...I will keep it brief

Absolutely not attracted to DH anymore, excuse after excuse to avoid anything intimate and just totally lost any romantic interest in him. Not something that will come back with counselling etc. Two kids primary age.

I have been a SAHM for ten years to allow my husband to continue his career, which takes him out of the country and always has done. For up to three weeks at a time. I've had a long long slog of a lot of single parenting during those ten years. He is a high earner so we chose to do it this way so I could be there for the kids 100pc whilst he's away.

My question is should I be now getting myself a job or should I wait ? As someone told me I should get proper legal advice before getting a job as it may look better if I don't? If we get to divorce point I mean...

Both kids (only as of this year) are now in school...

Anyone shed any light or been in same situation? My concerns are money as I don't have much back up. Huge mortgage.

🙏🏼

@YRGAM yes. Which is why I've turned to Mumsnet to get some advice before taking any action. I am totally aware of the huge impact this will have in every possible sense. Believe me, these thoughts have not come over night.

I don't have anyone I can talk to in RL which is why out of desperation I posted here

In my experience of men in this role, the ex wife has them or family gets the kids or the nanny steps up.

I’ve worked with hundreds of men in this situation, lots without SAHWs and childcare is never their problem.

In my experience of being a single parent for over ten yrs I would start looking for a job/career asap. Yes you might be entitled to spousal support, 50/50 if assets and things like universal credit but relying on an ex-partner for money and the benefit system can feel really dicey at times and has never made me feel as secure as my own salary which is also what my mortgage capability is based on.

@exprecis yes I understand. But I would 100pc rather have a happier home

@aCatCalledFawkes yes totally agree. I don't want to be reliant on him going forward not at all. But also aware I can't magic up a career earning 50k over night to be able to afford a mortgage alone. Which is why I wondered how it usually works in these cases so I can start to plan

I would start looking for a career type job now youngest at school anyway. Alot as roles are hybrid now you can do school run and clubs and work in the evening/weekend.

It might lead to changes in the dynamic between you and dh and you fall back in love anyway. Sounds like you currently resent him for progressing while you are stuck - and he sees you as housewife only

It took me 7yrs to step away from the benefit system going from 12k to 50k over 10yrs so planning is everything. Next year I lose my child maintenance for my daughter but I'm pretty sure my annual payrise will cover most of it although it won't cover the loss of child benefit or the increase in council tax.

@Halfemptyhalfling yes this was always the plan anyway as soon as they were both in school, regardless of anything else.

A little bit of resentment going on but at the same time I absolutely cannot fault my husband. I've just fallen out of love with him.

But that was your choice. You could have said “no, I’m also going to be working full time to continue with my career”.
This is the 21st Century. Women have been able to have a career and have children for years - please don’t use the excuse of supporting his career at the expense of your own.
The best thing you can do is explore your options career wise asap.

Did you not read the parts where her DH has been abroad for weeks at a time, regularly? He’s been able to advance quickly as though he has no children because she’s taken 100% of the responsibility. If he’d had 50% of the responsibility for kids, he would have had to say no to quite a bit of what he’s done. OP has definitely made a difference to her h’a career.

FFS it’s not an ‘excuse’.

Some families have to make that decision - we had to. He earned a little more than me but my hours and his meant wrap around childcare was unaffordable.
Then what happens is his career continues without the stress of running a home, pick ups drop offs and really flourishes, while hers is stone dead. Then she has to contend with a loss of identity, no career prospects, a husband who has really ‘leaned in’ to traditional gender roles and the approbation that she has somehow chosen this to be lazy.

Women really are shite to each other sometimes.

Was HER choice or was it THEIR choice, aka a choice taken together as husband and wife?

Why is it that women are entirely responsible for taking decision when those decisions uniquely affect the children but somehow men don’t?

Of course women can have work and have children.
But who says it’s the model every woman should work towards when they are effectively functioning as a single parent?

And who actually believes the idea you can have a CAREER (like her DH has) a AND raise children?

The fact many women have to work doesn’t mean that it’s always the best set up. Either for the woman or for the children.
And beating up someone because they made what was the best choice in their circumstances is crap.

Can I ask - how do you think two-career families work? How do you think women with careers manage?

It baffles me that so many women clearly cannot fathom that there are women doing the kind of jobs these men do……..

We really do exist.

@Wn38475 thank you.

My DH couldn't do his job full stop without me. He is also aware of this. He's been able to reach his full potential and go for every opportunity over the years to further his career.

Me. I have such a career. Women with these careers who are also raising children are basically the reason your kid can get health care.

the OP must have been very young when she had children if her career would have taken off but had not already done so. She’s got years of working ahead of her to flourish in a career if she wishes now.

Do you both travel for work?

@CountFucula absolutely this!

If baffles me sometimes Mumsnet..you see it all the time. Come on here for some support from fellow mums and end up getting a bashing for merely stating your situation.

hindsight is a wonderful thing!

BeckyBloom, it's very relevant your case was 16 years ago as much has changed and there is now established case law, as mentioned by the previous poster. "Get a job" and "hardship maybe unavoidable" judgements.

It maybe best to focus on enhanced CMS payments as CMS places a cap on very high earners so it never increases even if he earned a £1m a year. Look at the calculator and play with the figures.

Don't worry about house move, dc will cope and it's better that you reduce running costs of a larger house (utilities, council tax, maintenance etc).

However there is likely to be a disparity in lifestyle once you do divorce unless you can increase your earnings so focus on what is realistic. So much depends on your ex deciding if he wants to help you and the DC in the future though.

Um - yeah. Including me. I work, DH works. I worked very little when our first child was small, so I have been a SAHM before switching up.

No one is doubting that families with two working parents manage (let alone single parent families). But it isn’t controversial to say that when one parent is working and the other is at home, the working parent has less compromises on their work time. Unexpected child illness, needing to work late, needing to travel or extend travel time away, demanding project that takes up lots of headspace but may leas to a promotion down the line, half terms, inset days - the SAHM generally covers it so that the WOHM can get on.

In families with two working parents this is rarely as straightforward, especially if there aren’t able grandparents nearby. Who takes time off work when a kid is sick? Or manages inset days? Or books all the holiday clubs? Or comes home early when the other needs to work late? Does one person work fewer days? Or everyone works FT but pays £££ for care? Of course they (we) manage, but it would be disingenuous to pretend that it wouldn’t be easier with someone at home, or that it doesn’t potentially impact one or both parties’ careers.

I'm a single parent family and I work full time. Whilst I'm really happy in my job and I have progressed in to roles that I really wanted, it has been stressful at times, the buck stops with me for taking leave to cover sick days and my latest role often has me away overnight which is only manageable as my daughter is now 17yrs. Whilst I would never give up my salary again and I always worked part time even when I lived with my ex I wouldn't say it's been an easy road, there was never a choice for me though to take a step back and I won't get that time back again ever. I don't think that we should ever over simplify working and parenting.

We all make a huge assumption that wrap-around care is a good quality option - often it’s v poor and equates to being a holding pen for a huge no of kids in a single hall with high noise levels, few staff, and v little activity options. This is not a suitable environment for all children - other options such as child minders or after school nannies are v few and far-between especially in the SE. And that’s the situation IF you can afford the care in the first place.

It is horrendously difficult being a part-time working mum of 2 little ones, in a senior corporate job. The stress levels are high and not great for managing my chronic health condition. Reducing to part time gives greater flexibility to manage childcare, but you still have to do a full-time workload while getting paid for part time arrangement - be in 2,3,or 4 working days a week. The days you’re working are intense and long and you still use the non-working days to complete work and need to remain ‘switched on’ to follow what’s happening in your absence so u can hit the ground running on the days you’re officially working.

With 1 child in nursery and the other at primary all my earnings go into fees, holiday clubs, and a cleaner. Majority of childcare falls on me - kids sick days, medical appointments, school performances, play dates, cooking, groceries etc etc. FYI we don’t have family help, my husband helps but he has long days in the city too and isn’t back home until 8pm most days and sometimes has to work on the weekend too. I do question on a weekly basis how long I can mentally and physically take it…

Just sharing this to give you the other side of the coin in the sahm and working mum debate - neither is easy, women still pay a huge price in either option. Until the workplace is re-framed from the perspective of both genders - not just men- things are unlikely to improve for females.

If I were to stop working even for 1-2 years, to make family life easier, while kids are young, I would not be able to return to the same kind of job at the same grade earning the same salary.

But I understood from your OP that your mind is made up and that you aren't willing to try relationship counselling? I don't want you to feel like you are being piled onto, and nobody knows your situation like you do, but it can be easy to downplay the impact of a split on children like some posters have done here. It's also easy to feel like you have fallen out of love when you are at home with your thoughts and resentment with nobody to share with, which ironically re-entering the workforce will help with a lot

100% agree - we shouldn’t oversimplify working and parenting.

Well said; ‘it would be disingenuous to pretend that it wouldn’t be easier with someone at home, or that it doesn’t potentially impact one or both parties’ careers.’