Disappointed by DH's reaction to bereavement

[Twistingcaravan]

Hi all. 3 weeks ago I lost my sister to cancer. It wasn’t unexpected but sudden at the end. I was very close to her: we lost our mum during Covid and our dad died when we were little. My DH and I have 2 DSs (sorry - just background).

DH has always been a bit thoughtless. Not in a malicious way but self centered. He’s self employed. Went straight back to work the morning after our first DS was born. Leaves me to cope. He is a little helpful around the house but in a very short cutty way (will do some laundry but leave piles of it around for weeks - it never makes it away. Takes weeks to do a job he’s promised IYSWIM).

Since my sister died, he’s had a terrible cold and honestly I have not heard the end of it. I feel sorry for him but it’s got to the point where I want to scream “I don’t care about your f cold!!! My Neice had her birthday a week ago and he just sat there looking sour faced cos I didn’t want to go to the bar to order a drink. He’s been making the odd inquisitive remark about how much the funeral will cost (“ it won’t pay for itself - you need to think about it”: I’ve told him I don’t care. I’ll use savings or her dH will pay or I’ll use the funeral home loan. I just don’t want to think about it. I certainly didn’t 3 days after the death!!!!)

anyway - I’ve just had this niggling feeling that I’m done since my sister died. I know I’m grieving but there’s a voice in my head (that’s now taken on my sisters voice) telling me: nah - F this.

it’s made all the worse by my sister’s husband being the sweetest most lovely man I think I’ve ever met: he loved her so much and looked after her all the way to the end and even now is considerate and kind. And me? I’m left with some ‘meh’ man who is a self centered pig.

Is re evaluating your relationship a common thing in grief or have I just realised I’m married to someone I don’t want to be?

I’m sorry op for your loss. I’m not sure what is standard. However I would consider therapy to help you process everything. Some people can’t cope with death maybe he is one of them. Have you told him how you feel? Communicating your feelings even about his cold compared to your sisters illness may give him a kick. I was married to someone self centred and in situations that affected him I was expected to hold him up it was never returned though.

I am so very sorry for your loss

I would be asking myself what the relationship was like before your sister died? Do you love him and feel loved and valued? I mean the way you have described him makes him sound like a selfish prick, I suspect this may be the straw that broke the camels back?

I'm sorry for your loss, it must be so hard to be navigating these big feelings and reflecting on your position at this time.

It reads to me like your sisters passing has given you the wake up call you need to realise life is too short to put up with the bullshit.

Probably not ideal to jump feet first into a separation whilst planning a funeral but definitely something to seriously consider once the dust has settled.

If he has always been a bit shit as a partner then it really isn't a kneejerk reaction is it, more a realisation of what was always infront of you.

Thanks for the replies.

I think the reality is I’ve always just made excuses for less than perfect behaviour or covered for carelessness. But everything seems in sharp focus now.

Sounds like you’re absolutely right OP.

I’m so sorry about your sister.

Why don’t you leave the Pig to focus on himself this weekend (not) for a change, and go spend some time with your lovely BIL and niece?

Even if he is shit with death, if this man actually loved you he would be thinking 'how can I make her life easier while she's going through such a horrible time' and he's just not doing that, is he. It's an awful realisation to have, I'm sorry. Getting the hump on because you wouldn't go to the bar to order a drink, at the birthday of someone whose just lost their mum? Absolutely no excuses for that.

It sounds really hard, but some of his point are valid. My (late) DH could be a bit like that, he didn't really know how to be an emotional support, so he tried to show he cared by thinking of practical things and sometimes getting the timing completely wrong.

Be very very careful that this isn't all because BIL is now "available", even in your subconscious.

I am so sorry you lost your sister. That must have been devastating.

I think your sister has given you the gift of a new life. She's shone a light on her own relationship and you know now that yours doesn't match up at all.

Your husband sounds cold and unfeeling. Leaving you with a new baby was very cruel, particularly as he's self employed so could plan and manage his diary. The way he's behaving now shows he puts himself first.

It's time for you to put yourself first and feel your sister right by your side as you do so.

he tried to show he cared by thinking of practical things

But her husband isn't like that at all. He went to work the morning after she'd given birth, leaving her to cope alone.

Oh no - NOTHING like that! I don’t think of him remotely like that. It’s just I see how fantastic they were to each other and I want that too.

Ime death certainly is telling of a relationship.. When my dgm died we were very close and she probably cared more than my dm. . Dh drove me to hospital several times a week when she was in for 6 weeks pre dying.. A few days later he enquired when I was asking her dd for some fuel money as it has cost him loads to take me in. Divorced 4 months later....
Take stock op. Your dsis would want you to be happy.

The death of someone in your peer age group forces you to realise that life is short - you don’t get another go, so you need to fully embrace this one. That is what you are realising.

Really tough times like a family death show you who a person truly is. When my Dad was very ill and subsequently died my DH showed a strength and level of support and compassion for me and my family that even I didn’t know he had. He truly stepped up without me even having to ask and I will be forever grateful for that. If he’d been an arse at the toughest point in my life I don’t think I could have ever forgiven him.

@Twistingcaravan sorry for you recent loss. are you paying for the funeral for your husband to be worried about the cost?? why are you paying it you are???

I think you should confront him with your feelings. Tell him with no uncertainty that his cold pales in comparison to the loss of your sister and you have had enough of his selfish attitude. Just tell him. He needs to hear it. It sounds to me like he has always been an inconsiderate pr&ck and he deserves to be told. Plus, it will likely be cathartic for you to get it all off your chest. Once the dust has settled you can make plans to leave or have him removed from the home. It’s awful that you’ve had such a terrible loss but with every loss there is a gain and yours might be the clarity to see your husband for who he really is and bring what you want from your life, sharply into focus.

Well - I might be : simply because I want to share some of the financial burden. Whether I am or not- struck me as a rather insensitive thing to ask about 3 days after death…!

I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. I think grief can cause you to reevaluate things. Losing someone close is a big punctuation point in our lives. So, although there are feelings to process, there is also a new perspective. Personally, losing my DF led in time to me changing my job a few months later. It wasn't the trigger but it possibly caused me to give fewer fucks about the risks.

You need to look after yourself and work through this, then invest in your chosen version of the future.

Ten years + after my my Mum died I can still recall the advise given in a leaflet. The another advise was not to make any big decisions in the immediate aftermath of a bereavement.

Your husband does seem like a self serving piece of shit, and the very least I'd ask you to hold onto these feelings so when your grief is less raw, you can examine them more and decide to what extent, if at all, your sister's death influenced them.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the fact you are with such an unsupportive arsehole.

I’m sorry you’ve lost your sister. 💐 It must be particularly hard when you’ve also lost your parents.

One of my friends lost her mum earlier this year, then separated from her husband a few months later. I don’t know the full story, but I do know that she felt really let down by her husband’s lack of support.

So, I’m not surprised that you’re re-evaluating your relationship. Life is short. But I think some people would advise you to avoid making any big decisions soon after a bereavement (if possible). Might counselling help in the meantime?

Ending your marriage because your husband complained about having a cold seems a bit extreme. I would say wait until you've finished grieving and see how you feel then.

I think I'd lose my shit at him a bit and tell him some harsh truths about his personality. Couldn't be doing with that from someone who is supposed to love me.

That’s simplifying what the OP said so much that I’m not sure what to say tbh.

I think your husband is entitled to be concerned about you taking on the funeral expenses (depending on what your own family finances are like) and there's no point talking about it after you've agreed to do something.

If a spouse can't meaningfully be there for us in these kind of rough times then literally what is the point of them. It would be much easier to be alone and know where you stand and easier to lean into the support of friends and others. People are less likely to provide that support when you have a spouse who is notionally supposed to do so. There is no rush OP but I think combined with everything else you say, this would be hard to come back from.

Sorry for your loss.
I couldn't listen to someone moaning about a cold after having a close bereavement due to cancer.He would be told.. just shut the FUCK UP!!!!.