Disappointed by DH's reaction to bereavement

[Twistingcaravan]

Hi all. 3 weeks ago I lost my sister to cancer. It wasn’t unexpected but sudden at the end. I was very close to her: we lost our mum during Covid and our dad died when we were little. My DH and I have 2 DSs (sorry - just background).

DH has always been a bit thoughtless. Not in a malicious way but self centered. He’s self employed. Went straight back to work the morning after our first DS was born. Leaves me to cope. He is a little helpful around the house but in a very short cutty way (will do some laundry but leave piles of it around for weeks - it never makes it away. Takes weeks to do a job he’s promised IYSWIM).

Since my sister died, he’s had a terrible cold and honestly I have not heard the end of it. I feel sorry for him but it’s got to the point where I want to scream “I don’t care about your f cold!!! My Neice had her birthday a week ago and he just sat there looking sour faced cos I didn’t want to go to the bar to order a drink. He’s been making the odd inquisitive remark about how much the funeral will cost (“ it won’t pay for itself - you need to think about it”: I’ve told him I don’t care. I’ll use savings or her dH will pay or I’ll use the funeral home loan. I just don’t want to think about it. I certainly didn’t 3 days after the death!!!!)

anyway - I’ve just had this niggling feeling that I’m done since my sister died. I know I’m grieving but there’s a voice in my head (that’s now taken on my sisters voice) telling me: nah - F this.

it’s made all the worse by my sister’s husband being the sweetest most lovely man I think I’ve ever met: he loved her so much and looked after her all the way to the end and even now is considerate and kind. And me? I’m left with some ‘meh’ man who is a self centered pig.

Is re evaluating your relationship a common thing in grief or have I just realised I’m married to someone I don’t want to be?

Grief can be utterly devastating. It can also affect our sense of perspective.

The general consensus of advice is not to make any big decisions while in the throes of grief. However, this does not prevent you from taking stock of your marriage and considering whether it is what you want for your own future.

So tread carefully. You might also consider finding a good counsellor / therapist who can help you untangle and navigate your thoughts and feelings.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself.

Several things to unpack here op. Him going back to work straight after birth, either a bit shit or (being self employed) necessary due to income. No paternity pay for self employed. Only you know the answer to that one. He is definitely being self centred whinging about a cold when you're grieving, no excuses for that one. Funeral costs? That's the only area where actually he a has a point. Presuming your finances are joint, that affects your family unit . Your sister had a dh, the funeral is his to arrange and fund. If you want to help arrange, that's up to you as long as her dh wishes it, but as far as undertaker loans ect that is not for you to do, that's her dh's responsibility. If any financial contribution towards costs would come out of joint money then he absolutely should expect a discussion about it. And although within 3 days of the death felt unreasonable to you, funeral decisions do have to be made quickly. As others have said taking big emotional decisions during times of extreme grief is never recommended. Give yourself time to decide.

OP, I am very sorry for your loss. I think you should pause while you get through the early stages of grief and then reflect on your marriage i.e. don’t rush into decisions at the moment. However, it does sound as if you are married to a very selfish man who does not have much, if any, care for your welfare and that will need addressing one way or another. Sending you all good wishes.

Hi Op, my heart goes out to you with your sister dying and losing your parents too. This will all bring your relationship into focus and it's only natural that you feel he should be supportive and caring of you at this time. His self centred approach and lack of empathy must be incredibly hard and magnified at this time. As you explained, he went back to work the day after your baby was born.
I think this is the wrong time to think about the longer term. I'm not excusing his behaviour but it seems that he has always had these traits.
You are in the early stages of grief right now, please take care of yourself. Don't waste your emotional reserves on expecting and hoping for a caring approach from your husband, that will exhaust you more. May your sister RIP

While I agree with this in part, for me my mum’s death was a trigger to deal with things in my life that made me unhappy and so I sold my house and switched jobs in that year. No regrets. I think PPs have it right in that if he was generally a good partner, generous and caring etc, I’d not make any major decisions in the immediate aftermath of losing a family member. However that doesn’t seem to be the case here and sometimes it’s a big event like this that makes the scales fall from your eyes.

You need support and comfort, not someone who makes life harder. I dumped my ex for similar reasons - it was always me helping him, but when I needed help he was too busy/tired/couldn’t be arsed. When someone shows you who they are…

All the love to you @Twistingcaravan

I’d start listening to the voice in your head if I were you.

sorry for your loss

i wouldn’t make any rash decisions just yet, have some therapy, and sit with it until the new year. Then reassess how you feel and what you want to do next

It is very common to re evaluate after grief. I think it really puts a spotlight on what is important. Therapy would probably be useful to help you through your grief and your feelings in your marriage.

Yes. When my Mum died, I dumped my partner of four years.

I 'saw him' I saw through him. It was like I had had layers of brain peeled away and I knew I could never stand an ounce of his shit ever again.

Never regretted it.

I’m in a similar situation over a year on. I’m still considering divorce but we are in therapy. Sorry you are going through this. They say don’t make big decisions in the first year but a bereavement certainly highlights some things and can prompt a massive re-evaluation. In some really positive ways and some very difficult ways.

Yes. That’s it. I have ‘seen’ and now can’t ‘unsee’.

Golden rule: No major life decisions until at least twelve months has passed since your loss.

I'm so sorry about your sister, OP.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I've been married for nearly twenty years to a terrific man; despite this, there have been ups and downs and moments over the last few years - long moments - when I've thought, really? Is this it?

Then, earlier this year a man I had loved, who was very impactful in my emotional life, died unexpectedly. I am still grieving. It's so hard. And yes, the loss of him has put my relationship under the spotlight. So I can understand why you feel less tolerant now of your DH, wanting to chuck things up in the air.

And while you might have good reason, and your sister's death is a portal into other feelings, I do urge you to have therapy (like I am) and sort out loss from reality, without projecting stuff onto your relationship. I'm not saying it's not all real and justified, I just think grief is so huge and shattering, that you need to let it ebb before making any big decisions.

He’s a thoughtless pig and it usually takes an event / an intervention to bring that into sharp focus. For me it was an accident and my ex’s callous indifference to my injury and greater concern with how it would mess up his day. In your case it’s the death of a much loved sister and he should be supporting you and taking load away from you, not the opposite.

if you cut your losses you’ll either:
a) remain single but with that loser off you’re back sucking life and energy from you, or
b) you could find someone wonderful

from what you describe either sound better than maintaining the status quo. He won’t change

I'm so sorry for your loss. Having just gone through my first major loss of a family member and knowing how much my DH was there to support me, I'd defo reconsider the relationship BUT not right now, when you are in the early days of grieving. You have enough going on and to deal with and the last thing you need is extra added on. Do tell him to shut the fuck up about his bastarding cold to you and how inconsiderate is when you just lost your sister.

Some good advice on here. Nothing to add , I'm to grieving for a very recent loss. Just wanted to say how very very sorry I am for the loss of your darling sister and mum. Take good care 💐

I would agree with those saying not to make a big decision too quickly. Give yourself time to process this awful loss you have experienced. I’m so sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister, Op.

I lost my younger sister earlier in the year at the age of 33 to a devastating brain tumour.

I was already checked out from my “relationship” but the death of my sister and the months leading up to her passing showed me that my ex is a selfish bastard, who only thinks of himself. He couldn’t even look after our toddler the night my sister died when I was trying to protect my child from seeing her auntie pass away.

I’ve made impulsive decisions after previous bereavements so I’ve sat on it and even gave him the benefit of the doubt as the whole situation was really traumatic for everybody. And as a “man”, you know obviously he’s not good with his emotions or dealing with stress.

After he made a shitty comment about me and my mum projecting our grief onto my baby by showing her pictures of her beloved auntie, I am absolutely 100% done.

I would take time to mull it over, your grief will be raw but from experience he sounds like a shitty self absorbed prick and you deserve better. Your sister would want you to have better. I know mine did.

I am also so very sorry for your losses.
@OhshutupSimonyounobhead has a very valid point. You need to remember how you were before your sister passed away. I think this final loss, your lovely sister, has been the catalyst for you to take a moment and look at your own life to work out if this is the life you saw yourself leading or not.

If these last few years have shown you anything it is that time is precious and you don't want to waste it on someone who is ungrateful, self centred and oblivious to your emotional needs.

At this point in time I would focus on you and the kids. Let your adult husband fend for himself. It will give you an idea of how easy/difficult things would be to manage (schools/doctors/dentists/whatever) if you left your husband.

Your late sister's husband is grieving and remember you are only seeing one or two facets of the type of man he is. Things can be very different behind closed doors - you are your own example of that. You must have loved your husband at some point to decide to marry him, to have kids with him.

So now you have to decide, if your relationship with your husband has run its course. Do you think you would be happier separately than miserable together?

Again I am so sorry for your losses.

They say not to make any big decisions when you are grieving, and I do agree with that. However... it sounds like you might have half made a decision previously, and his behaviour is just crossing the Ts and dotting the Is for you?

Re the previous comments on BIL - no, I don't think you're secretly in love with him or anything like that. I went out for dinner with an old friend the other night who I hadn't seen in many years, and I left thinking how nice he was. Not in a 'I want him' way, but in a 'actually, I do feel quite envious of what he and his wife have, as they seem to be the sweetest couple, and it makes me think that kind of love is actually possible' way.

Spending time with someone who is a good romantic partner to the love of their life doesn't make you want to chase after that person - it makes you want to chase after an unknown person who is as decent and lovely as that. When you spend time being jaded and miserable, you sometimes forget that other alternatives are available.

I wouldn't rush to leave your DH but I'd stay open to the possibility that your grief isn't clouding your judgement and I'd possibly think about leaving him when I was feeling more emotionally stable and I was 100% sure.

In my experience a lack of empathy and indifference will eventually kill off any relationship. As you have found in your time of greatest need your other half is thinking of himself and money! There's also the slow drip, drip drip of having to look after everyone and everything on your own. Eventually you think f**k it, I'm alone in this marriage, what's the point of you?

However, I agree that parking this for a while until you have dealt with your grief would be kinder to yourself. Perhaps some counseling would put your thoughts in order before you make any decisions anyway.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Self care is so important to help you deal with this, take your time 💐

Dear OP I am so sorry for this devastating loss of your sister, and for losing your parents too. Yes, your H's shortcomings are sharply in focus now because at the very time when it was most important that he step and be a decent human being and partner for you, instead he is being a selfish, insensitive clod. You may have found it easier to overlook these characteristics when things were not in crisis in your life. But take notice now - this is your inner wisdom speaking to you loud and clear that you deserve better.💐

@Foreversad40 , wow! Just wow! Methinks you had absolutely no choice but to get rid of the piece of work you lived with. Sorry for your loss and wishing you peace and happiness in future 💓

Thank you everyone for your wise words. I think I need to listen to this voice but prioritise the grief and getting through the next few months.

(Just a small point re the money - there’s no “should” with funerals - I absolutely can pay for hers entirely or at least offer to if that’s what feels right. I own my own house outright, have a stable job and frankly care not a jot about the money. My BIL and family are not as well off - not that I’m “well off” - but it feels right to offer to help and contribute/pay for the wake. DHs finances and mine are separate - I purchased my house before I met him so it makes it even more garing that he should say that).

In my experience the’F this, I’m done’ feeling is definitely associated with grief. I dumped my bf quite shortly after my mum died. I just couldn’t overlook things anymore, that previously had only niggled me. I also made a couple of other big life changes.

I lost my Dad recently, and it’s my job I’m now getting the same feeling with.

I am dealing with it differently this time though. I remember someone telling me not to jump into big decisions after my mum died, and ignoring the advice. She was right, this time I will definitely take my time to decide what’s right and to process more before jumping in.

Much sympathy for the loss of your sister 💐