Disappointed by DH's reaction to bereavement

[Twistingcaravan]

Hi all. 3 weeks ago I lost my sister to cancer. It wasn’t unexpected but sudden at the end. I was very close to her: we lost our mum during Covid and our dad died when we were little. My DH and I have 2 DSs (sorry - just background).

DH has always been a bit thoughtless. Not in a malicious way but self centered. He’s self employed. Went straight back to work the morning after our first DS was born. Leaves me to cope. He is a little helpful around the house but in a very short cutty way (will do some laundry but leave piles of it around for weeks - it never makes it away. Takes weeks to do a job he’s promised IYSWIM).

Since my sister died, he’s had a terrible cold and honestly I have not heard the end of it. I feel sorry for him but it’s got to the point where I want to scream “I don’t care about your f cold!!! My Neice had her birthday a week ago and he just sat there looking sour faced cos I didn’t want to go to the bar to order a drink. He’s been making the odd inquisitive remark about how much the funeral will cost (“ it won’t pay for itself - you need to think about it”: I’ve told him I don’t care. I’ll use savings or her dH will pay or I’ll use the funeral home loan. I just don’t want to think about it. I certainly didn’t 3 days after the death!!!!)

anyway - I’ve just had this niggling feeling that I’m done since my sister died. I know I’m grieving but there’s a voice in my head (that’s now taken on my sisters voice) telling me: nah - F this.

it’s made all the worse by my sister’s husband being the sweetest most lovely man I think I’ve ever met: he loved her so much and looked after her all the way to the end and even now is considerate and kind. And me? I’m left with some ‘meh’ man who is a self centered pig.

Is re evaluating your relationship a common thing in grief or have I just realised I’m married to someone I don’t want to be?

Even if he was worried sick about it, there is a way to raise.

Saying ‘well you realise it will expensive don’t you?’ Is quite different from ‘I know it’s really soon but do you know what’s the plan for the funeral? If or when you want, we can look at options together. It can be so expensive 😢’

A bit like your answer. You couldn’t have weirded in such away it didn’t come aggressive really.

Death and money bring out the worst in people and unfortunately your H has shown himself, with his overly dramatic man flu, that you are not as important as he is to himself.

I can totally understand how you look at BIL and think "why can't I have an H like him".

Now is not the time to do anything rash, however. As useless as your H is, your emotions are significantly heightened at the moment and you need time to let your feelings settle.

That's not to say, however, that you shouldn't shout "I don't give a fuck about your cold - my SISTER just died". I'm impressed you've had the willpower to not do it already! You have more patience than I do, that's for sure.

So, call him out when he's being a dick, ask him to step up while you navigate your loss, then revisit it all in a few months time.

Some people are just self centred. We were told my father had days to live and I was by his bedside. My brother in law messaged my husband to see if he fancied meeting up. My husband said no I was spending my days at my dad's death bed and he was doing everything else ( happily) and he needed to be available for me if I needed anything.

Anyway my brother in law messaged him every day to say oh can we meet up today. My husband continued to repeat his previous answer.
My dad died on the 5 th day and once my brother in law had messaged my husband and been told that my dad had passed away , his unbelievable reply was, well he's dead now so surely you can meet me now!
Prior to that we'd got on ok but that damaged our relationship permanently, I was civil but that was all I could manage. Needless to say no my husband didn't immediately go off and meet his brother as there were a million death related stuff that needed doing and he was right by me doing them too.
!

And that's exactly how it should be during the tough time's life throw at us.

I am sorry for your loss and understand your grief.

To provide some context, DH and I have been married for 33 years. We have lost four loved grandparents to whom we were close, a tiny baby, and both our fathers. Every death and its circumstances was different.

Part of living in a long term relationship is also about learning how the other copes and deals with a crisis and learning to understand how each suffers differently. It's part of your mutual growth and there is no magic wand or book on response to grief or another's feelings. Also your DH and your BIL will have had different family experiences and will have grown up against different moorings and this also shapes an individual's response.

Be kind to yourself and keep an open mind about your DH's response. He possibly doesn't know how to handle it best and there will need to be love and forgiveness on each side, not necessarily in equal measure. It isn't made easier by the fact that society still deals with death quite secretively and it has become the exception outside of old age so fewer of us are touched by it as we grown up.

Take care. With love.

I am so sorry for the loss of your sister. My brother died in an accident abroad a year ago and my (then) partner really showed his true colours. He sent me all kinds of nasty messages because he no longer had my full attention whilst I was trying to sort everything out, told me I was using my (heartbroken) mum as an excuse not to see him, told me life goes on and was basically jealous of a dead man (there is much more but you get the gist). There had been some red flags prior but I'd kind of excused them away.

There is a lot to be said for not making any knee-jerk reactions in the depths of grief, however I think you should also trust you gut, something is making you reassess your relationship, listen to it.

Take care of yourself and do what is right for you

I would be careful about ending the marriage / thinking along those lines when your grief is so raw and horrendous.

That said, he is behaving like an utter pig. I’m wondering if he doesn’t realise this? I think with someone like him, he doesn’t seem very emotionally switched on, so I would lay it out for him:

My family unit was just me, mum and sis, as dad died when I was a child. Mum died not so long ago and now sis has died young, tragically, and I am the only one left. I need you to care for me and be an instrumental part of our family unit with dses. Not leave me to head the unit up alone. Complaining about your cold, whilst I feel that my soul has been torn apart is completely unacceptable. Mentioning funeral costs 3 days after sis’s death is also so such terrible selfishness. I need you to support me at this time.

because the fact is, if he fails to support you now, it’ll be something unforgivable that never goes away.

Bereavement is a huge upheaval. It throws everything up in the air. I would definitely go and have some therapy before deciding you are done with a major part of your life right now. I'm not for a minute defending him behaving like this, but all the more reason for you to focus on YOUR needs and to get external support in doing that. For whatever reason he is not stepping up in a way that you need, but the devastation you have experienced is genuinely challenging for anyone to meet. In my 50s I think now that post-bereavement-inadequacy (PBI) is a huge factor in relationships breaking down, I have seen it again and again. I personally think that bereavement is so huge that it is sometimes not even possible for your partner to be what you need, because what you really need is to have your loved one back. Focus on you, and as abd when you feel a bit more stable, you may need a whole reset of your relationship, with greater understanding of whether it is still important to be together.

Firstly, OP I am so very loss for your loss, I can’t imagine what you must be going through.
But yes, It is absolutely normal to re-evaluate everything and anything during times of extreme grief. So it’s entirely understandable that this is what’s led you to question your marriage.
Its one of two things really, either the shock (because whether it’s something you knew was coming or not, it’s still a shock to lose someone so close) has made you see the reality of things much clearer, or your grief is putting a negative slant on everything.
He does sound like a bit of a tosser, but we only know the information in your post, we don’t know the ins and outs of your life and marriage, and nor should we.
I would implore you to not make any snap decisions while your grief is so fresh, give yourself time and space

Whilst I think it's right to not be making any life-changing decisions right now, the test of a strong and supportive relationship is what happens when things get tough. Some men are pretty crappy at emotional support but they shouldn't be let off because of that.

Tell him how you are feeling and how his actions, words and attitudes are making you feel.

Your bereavement has opened your eyes and probably made you wonder how your husband would treat you if you were seriously ill, considering your description of him and him returning to work a day after you've given birth doesn't make it sound like you would be (or ever have been) his priority.
When my mother has ill with cancer I moved 2 hours back home to help care for her, even at that distance my husband, also self employed, was totally supportive, he'd drive to see us, if I went home to him for a weekend he made sure I rested and regained strength, I have a chronic illness and was running on adrenaline.
But it wasn't just my husband who showed me support, two ex boyfriends who lived near my parents were fantastic too, both checked in daily, one offering to drop food to the hospital when he realised I was staying there almost full time, both checking if I needed anything and just making sure that I felt supported, if I was driving from the hospital late at night one would ask me to call him and we'd chat until I was home safe, when one realised I wasn't getting sleep because I'd only get home during the day for a few hours and we had builders in making alterations for my mother to get home he left the key of his house out, spare room ready and a tray prepared, he was never there during these times and I know that was so I'd feel totally comfortable and sleep. I felt the love of all three held me up during does awful months in different ways but it shows that good men know how to be good people. Those boyfriends, one was my first from teenage years, the second was the last guy I'd a relationship with before meeting my husband (he introduced us but that's another story).

When my mother died my husband was incredible, he listened to me talk about her continuously and just made me feel safe. If your husband isn't making you and your needs his priority during such a sad time I fear you'll never get the love and support you deserve. Don't rush into a decision but I'd suggest thinking seriously about how your life would be without him in it and that may help you decide on your future.

General advice is don't make drastic decisions while grieving. I'm sorry for your loss.
Sounds morbid but one thing I've always thought about relationships is how will this person support me in the absolute most difficult times. You're now finding out the answer.
Asking about the funeral could be out of concern that you don't overspend in your grief, but if you're just not feeling support from him, that's not good.

This is my take on it. Your husband's behaviour has got nothing to do with how he copes with loss. It's just that your sister's passing has really shown you what a selfish man he is. He's always been like this. Just life gave you a break from lemons for a couple of years and you forgot.

I'm so sorry that you've lost both your mum and sister and in such a short space of time.

I think that the recent aftermath of bereavement is not a good time to objectively assess your life and marriage.
You're in the midst of one of the most traumatic of lifes events and a lot of things go on internally. One of which is sometimes to distract ourselves from the big issue by inflating smaller ones, so your Hs inadequacies might be getting blown up as easier to focus on than your sisters death. You feel a strong kinship with your BiL because you're the two people sharing this, so are seeing him through the lens of that and your sympathy for him, which may be slightly rose tinted.
You have had your world rocked and been brought face to face with mortality and that often comes with a feeling that you need to change your life, which is sometimes temporary.
Now I'm not saying for a moment that your marriage is great and you should ignore your inner voice. You're in that situation. All I'm saying is that what that voice is saying now may not be what it's saying when you've had more time to adjust to your loss, so I'd not be hasty. Be kind to yourself and grieve your lovely sister, then see how you feel.

Op I’m so very sorry for your loss. It does sounds like your dh is competing for sympathy, it’s breathtakingly selfish behaviour. My dh doesn’t have a strong empathy and he doesn’t react with deep emotion himself. I’ll be honest he had some pretty stark conversations about inheritance with me whilst I was still in very early stages of grief, along the lines of wondering whether we should invest in a caravan with the money I’d inherit. I forgave him because it was his way of processing the loss of my mother - very factual. Shutting down on the emotional side is his coping strategy, thinking forward past this awkward intense bit with the weeping wife and all the feelings. I think he felt that focusing on practical things might relieve me of some of the pain of the bereavement.

But he would absolutely not have moaned about a cold at that stage.

Anyway I strongly encourage you not to
lash out at him over this. Park it. You do not have the bandwidth to be dealing with selfish thoughtless dh now, so just avoid him if you can. And spend whatever you need to on the funeral.

You are far better off relying on yourself than turning to him for emotional support.

Yes, big life events bring aspects of your relationship into focus. They reveal a lot about people that you would never see in normal times. When I was having post-natal stress (not depression, I realise that is much more serious) and BIL and SIL were visiting us, my dH laughing and joking downstairs about going to a concert despite being in the very early days of new parenthood, me crying in the bathroom, BIL came upstairs and just hugged me tight. No words, just a hug. It was exactly what I needed, and he knew that, and I knew that dH wouldn't have done that in a million years. Don't make any big decisions at this time, but take notice of what you see. Sorry for your loss OP.

Nah, he's a selfish prick. He's demonstrated it at every turn and is trying to be the centre of attention even in your most raw grief. Store these feelings and make a note for later, this is who he is and he won't improve.

It should be against the law to lose a sister, I'm so very sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry you have lost your sister and can only imagine how sad you're feeling at the moment. Your husband certainly sounds pretty heartless and self-centred, to say the least. I think you need to tell him exactly how you feel and that this is his time to properly step up to be the supportive partner you need at the moment. Having a cold is no excuse to ignore your grief and heartbreak. This is one situation he can's make about himself and his usual acts of weaponised incompetence simply aren't going to do!

Don't make any hasty decisions at the moment but see how you feel after the funeral, when you have had time to properly process and get used to life without your sister. I hope you get the support you deserve and every goes well for you xxx

I'm really sorry about the loss of your sister, OP. That's my worst nightmare

As for your husband, it all sounded very familiar. The straw that broke the camel's back of my marriage was the way my exH behaved after my dad died. My dad had always been very good to him and loved him like a son, however you'd never think it from the way exH behaved. He hardly seemed to register it and certainly wasn't there to support me emotionally. In fact a few hours after his death, he asked me whether I was over it yet. From then on he behaved as though any expressions of grief from me were a personal slight on him, and he behaved very badly at the funeral. It was over after that. I have since found out that with men who are essentially selfish this is not uncommon.

Take time to have a think and don't rush anything. Only you can decide whether this is behaviour you can accept. Personally I found it easier relying on myself and my other family/friends for support rather than trying to rely on him, and constantly feeling furious and let down.

I think you're seeing his true colours. I also think this will be the end for your marriage as there's no coming back from the loss of respect you feel towards someone that can't even put you first during a devastating bereavement.

In fact a few hours after his death, he asked me whether I was over it yet.

This actually made me gasp. I had a bereavement over a year ago and I'm still very far from over it. Hours after you're in deep shock and not even starting to process.

He afterwards tried to make out that it was just clumsy wording and he didn't mean it. He thought I should be glad that my dad's suffering was over.

In my 50s I think now that post-bereavement-inadequacy (PBI) is a huge factor in relationships breaking down, I have seen it again and again. I personally think that bereavement is so huge that it is sometimes not even possible for your partner to be what you need, because what you really need is to have your loved one back.

This is so wise and so true.

Very sorry for your loss. Some people can just have a ''mental block'' when it comes to death and disasters - they can't deal with it and deflect in bad / strange behaviour. Regarding paying for funeral the decease's estate is generally liable for the cost. Best wishes.

I don't think it's a good idea to make any big permanent decisions at the worst of times. With anything really. But once you are through the sharpest end of your grief and you can trust that your perspective isn't clouded by bereavement, then I'd be ready to call it a day with the lack of care that you've described.