Disappointed by DH's reaction to bereavement

[Twistingcaravan]

Hi all. 3 weeks ago I lost my sister to cancer. It wasn’t unexpected but sudden at the end. I was very close to her: we lost our mum during Covid and our dad died when we were little. My DH and I have 2 DSs (sorry - just background).

DH has always been a bit thoughtless. Not in a malicious way but self centered. He’s self employed. Went straight back to work the morning after our first DS was born. Leaves me to cope. He is a little helpful around the house but in a very short cutty way (will do some laundry but leave piles of it around for weeks - it never makes it away. Takes weeks to do a job he’s promised IYSWIM).

Since my sister died, he’s had a terrible cold and honestly I have not heard the end of it. I feel sorry for him but it’s got to the point where I want to scream “I don’t care about your f cold!!! My Neice had her birthday a week ago and he just sat there looking sour faced cos I didn’t want to go to the bar to order a drink. He’s been making the odd inquisitive remark about how much the funeral will cost (“ it won’t pay for itself - you need to think about it”: I’ve told him I don’t care. I’ll use savings or her dH will pay or I’ll use the funeral home loan. I just don’t want to think about it. I certainly didn’t 3 days after the death!!!!)

anyway - I’ve just had this niggling feeling that I’m done since my sister died. I know I’m grieving but there’s a voice in my head (that’s now taken on my sisters voice) telling me: nah - F this.

it’s made all the worse by my sister’s husband being the sweetest most lovely man I think I’ve ever met: he loved her so much and looked after her all the way to the end and even now is considerate and kind. And me? I’m left with some ‘meh’ man who is a self centered pig.

Is re evaluating your relationship a common thing in grief or have I just realised I’m married to someone I don’t want to be?

So sorry for your loss OP. It sounds like he is awful but I agree with PPs, do not make any decisions now. You are too raw and emotional. Reevaluate in a few months time, maybe the seeds have been sewn now and in time if you separate you will cite this as the last straw. Or maybe things will change and you will realise that you are taking anger out on the wrong person. Some people are really awful in a crisis and bad at emotional support. Right now it's really crap for you and he seems really selfish but try to just plod on for a while until you have perspective.

Your husband does seem like a self serving piece of shit

And then some.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Echoing the advice not to make any big decisions just yet, but adding that it's fine to pull back a bit. Protect yourself, focus on your own journey.

Support takes many forms. My H is not the most demonstrative of people, but when I lost my DM, he was immediately there. He held me when I sobbed, listen to me talk about her, kept the house running when I was away sorting out the aftermath. He didn't blink when I said we needed to pay for her funeral.

If you don't feel that your H has your back, then it would be natural to question why you're investing any of your time and energy on him.

I think you’re just realising you’re married to a selfish, thoughtless, possibly narcissistic man - as you’re still young I’d seriously consider if you want to stay with such a man. So sorry about your sister 😢😢x

They're married

Sadly, unless there is legal ringfencing, their finances are joint

I am so sorry for your loss. Your OH is being a selfish twat. They do say that you should not make any major changes for the first year after the passing of someone so close. But if I were you I’d just focus on getting through the funeral, then Christmas and see if you still feel the same in the new year.

I'm sorry for your loss. Don't make any rash decisions but from experience, it's hard to let things like this go and it does build up resentment.
My mum phoned me to tell me my dad had passed away. My partner pulled a sad face and went back to scrolling on Facebook. He made the funeral about his mum and dad not being able to come (they didn't even know my dad well) and spent the wake on his phone. We limped along for a while after this but I'd lost a lot of respect for him and we broke up eventually. It opens your eyes to other selfish things they do.

Im so sorry for the loss of your precious sister.
Re your partner - some people for various reasons are unable to understand or acknowledge or respond to the emotions of others (often to do with their own upbringing). It is unlikely that a conversation is likely to change his emotional response. There are two options as I see it. Option 1 - find a way to have your emotional needs met elsewhere through others in your support network and remain with him for other reasons (working out the pros and cons of his contribution to the relationship may help). Option 2 - conclude that his lack of support is no longer acceptable to you and that your relationship is over.
I guess the third potential option is couples counselling and talking to him to see if that would make a difference but ultimately you would then be back to the above 2 options. It may be wise to take a little time before making the decision and maybe speak to him about it in the meantime. Give yourself time to grieve your sister. Maybe literally spell out to him what you need from him. Wishing you all the best ! x

I’m sorry for your losses.

When something like this happens it can crystallise things in your mind. My feelings about my ex and his behaviour came into sharp focus during the covid lockdown. I couldn’t get over the way he’d put his feet up and watch me cook for the children while I was sick and he wasn’t. Shortly after lockdown lifted I had to have some urgent investigations for a lump in my breast; it was a 2-week wait and by the time my appointment rolled around he’d forgotten about it and casually asked me what I was going to be up to that day.

I saw a psychologist who very gently helped open my eyes to what I hadn’t seen before. It was really the best thing I ever did. I can really recommend having some counselling or therapy to help support you through all od this.

My exh was also exactly like yours. Rearing our lovely daughters came down to me in the main and he was no emotional support at all. I made excuses for him for 20 years before I finally knew life was too short and I wanted a divorce.

7 years on I’m in the most loving relationship with a man who is my equal and adores me. He is kind, thoughtful and generous and made me realise I deserved so much more than I put up with previously.

i came to accept that some people are inherently selfish, it’s just the way they are and they will always come first. The best relationships are between two ‘givers’.

sorry about your sister. Take care of yourself x

OP, so very sorry for such a devastating loss.
Heartbreaking.

Your husband sounds like a selfish pig.
Suit yourself completely in the coming months, and when you have the bandwidth get shot of him.

The death of a loved one definitely makes you reevaluate your life.

In the meantime stop doing ANYTHING for him.
Focus completely on yourself and looking after yourself and your children if you have them.
Take this time to invest in yourself and your grieving and then get rid of him.

So so sorry to read of your loss but sometimes life changing events show people for their good and their bad. My husband was the same after I lost my parents and we are now no longer together as it sort of magnified what I already knew. I also knew if it had been the other way round I would have cared and supported and that is why is often so disappointing.

Be kind to yourself and take time to grieve but you will find out which people are there for you and who isn’t. It’s hard sometimes to get over the disappointment

I think that it is time that you have ' that ' conversation with dh. You'll understandably be feeling quite distant and emotionless towards him, which could open up a very matter of fact conversation about how you feel towards him particularly because of your recent loss, but also how he has conducted himself overall in your relationship. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to shape up or it's done between you. Give him the chance to make a change. Self absorbed people need a firm kick up the arse, because other people's feelings just aren't on their radar. If he values you he will wake up, if not, it's time to move on. I hope your dh realises what he could be losing.

Perhaps you’ve just realised that life is short and therefore you don’t have an eternity to rectify the mistake you’ve made when you decided to not separate from a man who went straight back to work the day after his child was born. I would have left him at my earliest possible convenience shortly after that event.

I’m very sorry for your loss. 💙

You have a lot going on right now. I want to echo other posters and really suggest therapy, or talking things through with a trusted friend. You’re about to make a big life changing decision, consider all, leave now stone unturned, so you never feel you acted hastily. Therapy will help you work though your feelings, and to make a plan to exit, if that’s what you wish to do.